Reflections on Rape Culture

Drawn the night before being kidnapped,
and the last time that I ever felt pretty.

Ever since the rape case came out in the media, highlighting the rape culture that exists, well, it's brought up a lot of emotions and memories. Probably combined with the almost getting in a wreck the other day, I've just been ... off, and I feel the need to speak up and speak out. This is a terribly unpopular thing for a woman to do, and so that probably means it needs to be done all the more.

Rape Culture is all around us. You can see it in the media with more sympathy for the football players, than the poor girl whose life will never be the same. You can see it in the people surrounding the event with general apathy for the victim, and more concern in covering it up, or making jokes about it. But that's not where it starts. It starts with a general lack of empathy, a sense of male privilege, and a need for control. Control is a big motivator of rape. It is about destruction, not sex, controlling the victim's life, humiliation, and about a sense of power for the rapist. This need for control is big in many personality disorders, and any other area that is sliding the slippery slope of morality such as churches and government. The person being controlled is devalued, looked down upon, and it is simply to ensure the power of the attacker while decreasing the power of the victim.

The way things develop to this level, start small and at home. I was often told, "You can't do that, you're a girl." When my daughter cries and someone says, "She's just being a girl." These statements say so much more in subtext. First of all it devalues the abilities of a girl. It says that emotions are weakness and to not be valued. It breeds a lack of empathy for females, and sets them apart as a lesser section of humanity. Now this is not to say that men and women aren't different. We are, very much! But we should be valued the same, instead of just simply invalidating any emotion a woman has by "being a girl". Males have plenty of emotions too, but when their anger is out of control, do we just say, oh they are just being male, and it's okay that he hit her, or well, his blood was up and this justifies him raping someone because they can't help themselves.

I remember my grandfather telling me in highschool that it is up to the girl to say no, "because men can't help themselves." Bullshit... If men are that dangerous then how can society expect to function at all? I loved my grandfather fiercely, but he also told me that I needed to lose weight when I was anorexic. Such a statement from someone you adore and admire can be crushing to a young girl's spirit. It says so many things like "you're physical form is your entire worth, and thus your sexual appeal and viability". The same people obsessed with me not having sex before marriage were also the ones pushing for me to have children and be a good little brood mare as if that was my only contribution to society. The problem is that many people, both men and women, feel like they have the right to say what a woman does with her body. The same people will turn a blind eye to a man sleeping around, and be horrified at a woman exhibiting similar behavior. This division of expectations is the start of male privilege and rape culture. A man and a woman both have multiple partners, he is seen in a positive light as a "Stud" while she is labeled a "Whore".

And let me make this clear. If you are obsessed with people not having sex... you are still OBSESSED WITH SEX, just as much as the person intent on finding it. The sheer constant focus on it, the policing of it, who is doing it, is all the same thing. It's the same as alcoholism. If you can't be around alcohol and say no, you are an alcoholic. If you can't take a sip and stop... then YOU have a problem. And perhaps this obsession with it in our culture, the haves and have nots of sex, is what makes it become a social weapon. I've had to cope with sexual harassment in the work place, where work was constantly dangled before me, but given to whoever my female boss was sleeping with this week, while I was encouraged to partake.

There are so many things wrong with this world, and it seems that the insidious succeed, while the good just get stepped on repeatedly. I can intellectually KNOW that it is not always the case, but my brain is at war with my feelings which are presently overwhelming in response to these events. Welcome to C-PTSD, a by-product of my violent history, the consequences of molestation, rape, and mortal danger.

Throughout my life I have had multiple"attackers" both sexually and mortally threatening, starting from a very young age. I've even been completely drowned for telling the truth (part of why I hate lies). I've had a knife pulled on me on a date and move to jump from a moving vehicle. I've been threatened if I didn't go on dates with people that they would kill my horse. My ex-husband was the worst, but that's why he's in jail. I've been put down, beat up, and just generally treated like crap for having the audacity to be female and not worship at the altar of some man's penis. The scary thing is that half the time, the women are giving you just as much crap out of jealousy, or whatever, and in doing so just seem to reinforce a growing sense of misogyny and "she deserved it" syndrome.

As a business owner, I've had to learn to take guys to shows with me half the time, because people would prefer to talk to him and look at me. I walked into an Ace Hardware with my friend Richard and told the man what we were looking for, who promptly turned to Richard, ignoring me. Richard repeated what I had said, and THEN the man went and got it. Forgetting something, I told the man what he had forgot, and again he looked at Richard who again repeated what I said followed with "like she said".

Over the years I've gotten heavier, partially from loss of thyroid and perhaps psychologically as a protective layer against unwanted male interest.

So yes... although I'm mostly functional most days, I do have issues. I've worked very hard to overcome them, but this internal war is very exhausting. One side of me desperately wants to just give up. The other side wants to keep going and see the fruits of my labors. However the years have been chipping away at me, finances draining my hope, complications strangling my dreams, and October is Coming, when my ex gets out of prison. It hangs in the periphery like a clicking clock, and every time someone wastes my time, it's particularly infuriating because I feel like I have so little time left.

Perhaps the thought of rape culture highlights this, where society likes to lay responsibility on the female. After my own experiences with it surrounding those events, I'm very sensitive to these things, and it seems to be perpetuating in society. When he gets out, >I< am the one who has to be prepared. His freedom means my loss of it, or at least the feeling free to live my life un-harassed, without worry for damages both to my character and my way of life.

It was bad enough dealing with his bullshit (lies, character assassination, and various coverups for his own crap) following me all these years later. It was bad enough that where we used to live he had a doppleganger that was involved in politics and I saw him everywhere, constantly battling flashbacks and wondering if he had broken out of prison or sweet talked his way out (he tried and almost succeeded - yes he was THAT charming). Bad enough that the majority of the psychological damage has not healed, without worrying about reoccurrence. And though we have taken precautions, I have to be the one to be on the look out, as this violent sex offender with a grudge against me holding him accountable - roams mostly free... and I have a little girl to worry about now too. It falls on me. How is this a "life" sentence?

All this crap you see about kidnapping, where the cops are at the house waiting for the kidnapper to call... that's Hollywood. In reality you report the crime, they pat you on the head saying, don't get kidnapped again. They do their job, but they can't do anything till a crime has been committed, and by then it's too late. That's the way of things though, and it protects us from being bullied for things we "might" do. So society trying to CONTROL things and prevent things from happening again then places it on the woman for HER to not encourage rape. I was in my house, in torn up jeans, painting, when I was grabbed from behind and tied up. So understand this... rape is not sex... it's about control, and as he seemed to live to destroy me in every way humanly possible... that was just another way to do it.

It's hard to expect and prepare for things out of people when you can't conceive of someone being evil enough to do those things. The blame is on those evil enough to do them... end of story.

If you want to support rape victims, try understanding what the effects are going to be and be patient with them. They aren't going to act normal. Of course you shouldn't let them abuse you. You still have to maintain your own boundaries, but just understand that a lot of the anger, has little to do with you. Research the psychological effects of rape, so you know it when you see it, and that way you can be prepared to respond when it arises. If you want to try and stop rape from happening, stop excusing your boys from feelings, and start teaching them to treat women with equal value. Start teaching your boys self control.

"Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent." - Ayn Rand