Neverland

People have a lot of misconceptions about narcissism and tend to think that it's the same as vanity. Although that can coexist with narcissism, it can be any quality that a person thinks makes them entitled to special treatment. Although I've seen many a supposed beauty who could measure their narcissism in selfies/hr, I have seen many narcissists who think their intelligence entitles them to special treatment and the world should just bow to them. They live to be told how brilliant they are while other people do the work. I have even seen narcissistic mothers who live to be told what a wonderful mother they are or how special their children are.

Narcissism's main indicator is a need for narcissistic supply, to have their specialness constantly reinforced by others to attain an illusion of superiority. That feeling of superiority then creates a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy for others. But there's one source of narcissism that doesn't get talked about. It's the kind that creates the Brock Turners of the world... and that the sheer fact that they are a man.

Unfortunately there are plenty of world religions providing this narcissistic supply, saying men are made in God's image and women are to serve men. The result is it churns out narcissistic males who feel entitled to sex, entitled to women, entitled to special treatment for being male, and a lack of empathy for women which explains why the medical profession takes women's pain, issues, and concerns so lightly. It's why we have a double standard and women's emotions and suffering are treated so unempathetically. But while other forms of narcissism may fade like beauty, intelligence might lessen with aging mental capacity, and a narcissist (who themselves are the only people who can cure a narcissist) might take new stock at their life and reform, a man will always be a man and there will always be an endless supply of rhetoric and a network of enablers and womanizers feeding that narcissistic supply through religion, media, and judges offering lighter sentences for violent crimes against women.

While not all men are narcissistic, there is a structure in place that has created an epidemic of narcissistic men who feel more entitled than ever to sex and women. The media encourages it. Being a womanizer is met with fist bumps for exploiting women while being a responsible mate is regarded as being "whipped". Peter Pan complex (which is the same as narcissism) has created a generation of man-children who never want to grow up. They want their codependent Wendy playing mom and taking care of things while they have their Tinkerbell mistresses. 

Narcissism is a serious disorder that destroys one's capacity for making meaningful relationships. It can compound other disorders and make them even more destructive. But therapy doesn't often work for narcissists because they often enjoy it and just manipulate therapists instead of dealing with their issues, because that would mean admitting they aren't as awesome as they think they are and they tend to withdraw or quit in situations where they don't have control or narcissistic supply. Emotional vulnerability, self awareness, compassion, and nurturing are all weaknesses to a narcissist, or in other words, considered "unmanly" and qualities they exploit in they're victims i.e. Women. Instead they collect their jars of hearts and continue being Lost Boys. 

The problem is they have created a Neverland here full of double standards, male privilege, and lamentations of women where women are blamed when men make bad choices and can be hurt without empathy using phrases like "20 minutes of action", as they destroy a woman's life. We need more men like the two who had empathy that pulled Brock Turner off his victim. So please don't feed the narcissists. It's like feeding bears. They stop searching for healthy relationships and start expecting others to give them things or go through the garbage until they become a nuisance to everyone. Hold them accountable and stop using phrases like "boys will be boys". You are perpetuating male entitlement which leads to worse things. It's more than just teaching consent and empathy. If you tell boys they are special for being boys, they become entitled and lack the empathy to respect consent. 

If anyone should be entitled to anything, it is respect, and that is earned by giving it, by acting responsibly, through caring and self discipline. Entitlements are just excuses for people to act like overgrown 3 year olds. Respect has to be earned, but its foundation is stronger and not as fragile as a narcissistic ego that needs supply. It's unshakable as it is strengthened every day in action through strong character. That's what makes a man instead of a Lost Boy.

Neverland

People have a lot of misconceptions about narcissism and tend to think that it's the same as vanity. Although that can coexist with narcissism, it can be any quality that a person thinks makes them entitled to special treatment. Although I've seen many a supposed beauty who could measure their narcissism in selfies/hr, I have seen many narcissists who think their intelligence entitles them to special treatment and the world should just bow to them. They live to be told how brilliant they are while other people do the work. I have even seen narcissistic mothers who live to be told what a wonderful mother they are or how special their children are.

Narcissism's main indicator is a need for narcissistic supply, to have their specialness constantly reinforced by others to attain an illusion of superiority. That feeling of superiority then creates a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy for others. But there's one source of narcissism that doesn't get talked about. It's the kind that creates the Brock Turners of the world... and that the sheer fact that they are a man.

Unfortunately there are plenty of world religions providing this narcissistic supply, saying men are made in God's image and women are to serve men. The result is it churns out narcissistic males who feel entitled to sex, entitled to women, entitled to special treatment for being male, and a lack of empathy for women which explains why the medical profession takes women's pain, issues, and concerns so lightly. It's why we have a double standard and women's emotions and suffering are treated so unempathetically. But while other forms of narcissism may fade like beauty, intelligence might lessen with aging mental capacity, and a narcissist (who themselves are the only people who can cure a narcissist) might take new stock at their life and reform, a man will always be a man and there will always be an endless supply of rhetoric and a network of enablers and womanizers feeding that narcissistic supply through religion, media, and judges offering lighter sentences for violent crimes against women.

While not all men are narcissistic, there is a structure in place that has created an epidemic of narcissistic men who feel more entitled than ever to sex and women. The media encourages it. Being a womanizer is met with fist bumps for exploiting women while being a responsible mate is regarded as being "whipped". Peter Pan complex (which is the same as narcissism) has created a generation of man-children who never want to grow up. They want their codependent Wendy playing mom and taking care of things while they have their Tinkerbell mistresses. 

Narcissism is a serious disorder that destroys one's capacity for making meaningful relationships. It can compound other disorders and make them even more destructive. But therapy doesn't often work for narcissists because they often enjoy it and just manipulate therapists instead of dealing with their issues, because that would mean admitting they aren't as awesome as they think they are and they tend to withdraw or quit in situations where they don't have control or narcissistic supply. Emotional vulnerability, self awareness, compassion, and nurturing are all weaknesses to a narcissist, or in other words, considered "unmanly" and qualities they exploit in they're victims i.e. Women. Instead they collect their jars of hearts and continue being Lost Boys. 

The problem is they have created a Neverland here full of double standards, male privilege, and lamentations of women where women are blamed when men make bad choices and can be hurt without empathy using phrases like "20 minutes of action", as they destroy a woman's life. We need more men like the two who had empathy that pulled Brock Turner off his victim. So please don't feed the narcissists. It's like feeding bears. They stop searching for healthy relationships and start expecting others to give them things or go through the garbage until they become a nuisance to everyone. Hold them accountable and stop using phrases like "boys will be boys". You are perpetuating male entitlement which leads to worse things. It's more than just teaching consent and empathy. If you tell boys they are special for being boys, they become entitled and lack the empathy to respect consent. 

If anyone should be entitled to anything, it is respect and that is earned by giving it, by acting responsibly, through caring and self discipline. Entitlements are just excuses for people to act like overgrown 3 year olds. Respect has to be earned, but its foundation is stronger and not as fragile as a narcissistic ego that needs supply. It's unshakable as it is strengthened every day in action through strong character. That's what makes a man instead of a Lost Boy.

Is It the Way He Walks...

The song goes, "Is it the way he walks? Oh no that's not the way," however I think that there actually is a red flag there that is a predictor for emotionally unavailable men.  While I haven't done extensive amounts of dating, the majority of those I have dated were narcissist, psychopaths, or other brands of emotionally unavailable. I'm codependent, and like moths to a flame, I attract the dark triad, but I also am wise to them, which they find terribly upsetting. I'm good at deciphering patterns and I've noticed one in the emotionally unavailable men that I've known. It really is in the way they walk. 

An alpha male protects the herd. He doesn't prey on it.

In a ways it has a lot to do with herd mentality. I'm a protector, a nurturer, a caregiver, so when I am in a group, I tend to walk at the back of the group. This way I can keep an eye on everyone in front of me and be there if they need help. I started doing this while horseback riding on trails, because the trail leader could not see everyone and I was often as much or more experienced than the guide. Occasionally I have been known to jump off my horses and pull a rock out of a hoof, or pull off a loose shoe that the trail leader would have been oblivious to, being in the front. It truly is the guardian position.  It's also the most vulnerable position in a herd, as those who linger behind the pack are often picked off by predators. The sick and the weak can't keep up with the herd.  To leave one behind is to leave them to die, to not care for them anymore. This is why the stallion in a herd of horses takes up the rear most position. He leads from the rear, where he can safeguard the whole herd and not lose anyone because as alpha male, his job is not to lord over everyone and be served, but to serve and protect. Being the most likely to be targeted by a predator, as well as the strongest of the herd, the stallion is the most likely to be successful in fighting off a predator and defending the herd. He makes himself vulnerable to attack because he is strong and confident, having won the position of alpha in many duels with other stallions. Meanwhile emotionally unavailable men are immensely afraid of being vulnerable.

The emotionally unavailable man does the opposite. They avoid the vulnerable position in many ways, but also in walking together. The day after I married my first husband, the psychopath, I found him walking off in front of me, rarely stopping for me to keep up or even looking back to see where I was. All he was thinking of was himself, charging forward with no regard for companions. This has been a consistent behavior among every abusive boyfriend I've had. Sometimes they'll stop and wait up, knowing that this is wrong, catching themselves, but by their very nature, their first impulse is to move forward regardless of the herd. It's about them and their needs, which is consistent with several malevolent personality disorders.

As an example, I had broken my leg and was on crutches as I hobbled into the building to have surgery on my ankle. My husband would not slow down, and in trying to keep up, I ended up falling and breaking my leg worse, which earned an irritated and bewildered look, but no acknowledgement of his own need to be aware of others. When we went to Disney, I paid for the trip, had all the money and provisions in a backpack, but my husband again would dart off leaving me behind almost like I was supposed to chase him, leaving me to weave in and out of crowds that swallowed up the path in his wake. Even after I told him about it, he continued to do it. It was just in his nature. 

Meanwhile, I know another alpha male that he leads from behind. I know several men who are extremely jealous of him, because women throw themselves at him. If you are falling behind, he puts his hand in the small of the woman's back to keep her with him and safe. The protector of the herd... and women flock to it, because he has the herd mentality. He thinks of the groups as we, instead of only thinking of himself.

Recently a friend wanted to see what I thought of a man she was interested in, and when he walked ahead of us, it bothered me. He stopped and looked back, and there was something just wrong about that simple little action. It turned out that he was also emotionally unavailable and suddenly I started to piece together why that bothered me. I'd seen it before, time and time again. So if you really want to know if he loves you so... it's not in his kiss. It's in his walk. Can your significant other walk the walk or are they leaving you behind in more ways than one? 

Logic Time

Atrocities are the byproduct of a need for control and so is the aftermath. Shootings are very emotional events, and like with anyone who has been exposed to violence, they want to make sure it never happens again. Most people want someone to blame. They want punishment of anyone who might ever do such a thing, and to control the situation. Ironic since the person committing the crime seems the least blamed, and that the event happened out of their need for control.

 If people are willing to break the law to kill innocent people, what makes you think a law will stop them? This is not how you stop these people, because they are already seeking to break the law by killing people! Only people who don't understand psychology think laws are preventative with people who have no regard for boundaries. They only help you prosecute after the crime has been committed. 

Shooters are predators, and predators choose "weak" prey that are least likely to fight back, which is why MOST shootings happen in gun free zones.  Armed citizens have proven to reduce casualties in an active shooter situation, as does fighting back. California has the strictest gun laws in the country and they did not help. Shooters attempt to do the most damage with the least amount of risk to themselves. Anyone who wants to hurt you, will try to weaken you to prevent you from fighting back.  In abusive situations, they will try to remove a support group of outside people that they view as a threat or tear down your confidence to keep you from leaving.  They use rules, laws, and guilt to keep you from fighting back, while they feel above such things. They keep you dependent. Dependent is seen as weak, because it means you cannot defend yourself. The moment you have to depend on someone else for your safety, you are vulnerable.

All the psychopaths I have known, leaned
politically toward liberal Democrat. Though they
themselves did not care much about obeying laws,
they were keen on controlling everyone else's rights.

In most violent situations, you are going to be on your own, and your own response time is going to make the difference. It's time to stop expecting the government to protect you and make everything okay. The police are not psychic superheroes that jump in to save you before you get hurt. They cannot do anything until after a crime has already been committed, which means, damage has already been done, and damage can be done in seconds instead of the minutes it takes for help to arrive. So it is essential to have some knowledge to defend yourself. Just the sheer act of practicing self defense will make you more capable in a situation. When my ex threw a punch at me, my muscle memory acted on reflex before my brain could kick in or freak out. My reflexes could respond then, when in less prepared situations, I froze. When something happens so outside your normal world, it is very natural to freeze or hesitate as your brain has never encountered such a situation. Only preparing can overcome that resistance to accept something outside the norm. Your best defense is to learn to defend yourself, because even if something does happen, the sheer act of fighting back will help you deal with being a victim better. Get your own gun or take martial arts. And always be aware of your surroundings and exits. This is not just for shooters but muggers, rapists, and violent exes. I've had some scary and painful first dates. You just never know who is going to be antisocial. 

The people who will attack you in any of these situations are not normal people gone bad. They are what are known as antisocial, which is NOT introverted. Antisocial means against society, also known as sociopaths or psychopaths, who have no respect for the rules of society and pride themselves in getting around those rules. They have no guilt or empathy and in the case of psychopaths will actually draw pleasure from hurting you, which is very aberrant brain activity, making up a single digit percentage of the population. These same people steal, lie, and manipulate for a feeling of power and control. They are NOT normal law-abiding gun owners. If you want to blame a "group" that is responsible, blame psychopaths, and realize that they do not respond to the normal constraints of normal people and are incurable, unreasonable, and capable of anything. Antisocial personalities can be any sex, religion, or culture. They look just like everybody else, which makes quick judgments difficult for media and other head hunters looking for someone to blame. You can only tell them by their behavior or a brain scan. But chances are, this is a pattern and not a one time instance. Even if they aren't overtly breaking laws... or at least getting caught breaking the law, they are likely parasitic in their relationships and there are signs of their disregard for boundaries. 

Owning a gun does not instantly make someone antisocial. It has been proven that people with their conceal carry are some of the most trustworthy law-abiding citizens. Much gun crime is done by repeat offenders, who are not allowed weapons anyhow, while shooters often have little gun experience. So the dude going down to the range to shoot once a week is more likely to be the one you want at your back if something does go down than the person you should be afraid of committing the crime. He's already law abiding. Meanwhile the thug with the rap sheet as long as his arm who should still be in jail, probably stole said gun or got it illegally. A thug is not going to let on that he owns one. The real threats to society are those who are already antisocial / anti-society. It is more difficult to outlaw a personality disorder that belongs to many CEOs and politicians running this country, because they expressed their need for power over others differently.

Gun control has not improved the situation. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. We have more gun control and more shooters. They are increasing at the same rate. It's not working, because that is not the root of the problem. I live near Kennesaw, Ga which began to require all it's citizens to be armed, in opposition to the increasing gun control. The result was that crime all but evaporated and criminals started targeting the surrounding "weaker" cities instead. The one shooter incident that happened in Kennesaw was in the one gun free zone, the Post Office. Someone tried to carjack in Kennesaw and was instantly taken down by an armed citizen. 

Part of the mentality that is the growing problem is thinking of the government as a god that can alter the universe with a vote.  You are not entitled to be taken care of, and you cannot outlaw a mental condition that has been around since the dawn of time. While psychopaths show up with brain scans, sociopathy, or learned anti-social behavior does not. So we have to do something that we should have been doing from the start, judging people on their own personal actions and not their attributes or accoutrements. The government is not a god, not your parents there to take care of you, because you don't want to grow up and take responsibility. It is our country and our responsibility to care for it and our neighbors. We have become complacent and need to get actively involved with our own protection. We need to be able to identify those with antisocial psychiatric risks and stop letting antisocial violent criminals out of prison to make room for non-violent victimless drug users. Stop targeting innocent people and looking for blame. If you want to control something. Take control of yourself, and prepare for emergencies. In all of history, our generation has been blessed to live in a time of relative peace that has allowed us to grow and progress at an abnormal rate. However, that is not the norm. It is a fragile state and must be maintained by us. We can't just delegate our security to someone else and expect them to take it as seriously. You are a statistic to the government. It's up to you, what kind of statistic you are. 

Money and the Dark Triad

Before we get started, I'll let Wikipedia define the Dark Triad. As I seem to attract all three and they have traits that overlap and make it hard to distinguish between a self centered narcissist and a self obsessed sociopath or psychopath. Due to this overlap I'm going to refer to my observations about the malignant personality types as the triad though some may apply more to narcissists and some more to psychopaths. However they each qualify under malevolent qualities. All three of these are self-absorbed liars and manipulators, who lack empathy and exploit others. While they may be different flavors of crap, they're still all steaming piles of crap.

The dark triad ^[1] is a group of three personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.^[2][3][4] Use of the term "dark" implies that these traits have malevolent qualities:^[5][6][7][8]

• Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy.^[9]
• Machiavellianism is characterized by manipulation and exploitation of others, a cynical disregard for morality, and a focus on self-interest and deception.^[10]
• Psychopathy is characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, impulsivity, selfishness, callousness, and remorselessness.^[11]

The Dark Triad tends to be attracted to a certain type of person, whether you want to call it empathetic, empaths, codependent, care giver, or just kind or caring people, the triad considers these people to be ripe pickings for their dramas, because the caring and empathy they lack or only pretend to have is seen as a weakness that is easy to manipulate. You'll often find more than one empath around one of the triad, as they tend to use their poison on multiple people. However you may notice that the triad will cycle through these people, and once they've used one up, another one is already waiting in the wings to be manipulated. There's a high turn over rate for those close to one of the triad, and those who stay are either being manipulated through fear, guilt, and false hope or abundantly patient, waiting on the person to change into the act they first met. 

They will not change. The problem is that there is absolutely no cure for psychopathy, as their brain is literally wired wrong to enjoy causing pain. The prognosis for the rest of the triad is not so good either. Machs are often proud of what they are, and narcissists enjoy their malevolent behavior as well. The only person who can cure a narcissist is themselves, but as they lack the empathy to care about how they hurt others, they aren't often interested in changing. Besides, there's another person waiting to be their bitch, especially if they are attractive. So if you love one of the triad, you either need to have some seriously strong boundaries and know how to keep them from violating yours (which takes more energy than most people have). If not, you need to get out and accept that a relationship is only as healthy as its only unhealthiest member, and they are pretty much as unhealthy as it gets, with no hope of improvement. This is why I find it necessary to attempt to help educate people, so they won't have to suffer through the same things I have, time and again as I tried to reason with the unreasonable. Unfortunately if you are someone who has been abused, you attract and are often attracted to abusers. Victims will repeat the cycle until dealing with the core of the original abuse, understanding yourself and your motivations, and learning to spot red flags early on. So maybe this will help highlight some red flags.

Money is Power, and they are all about power. As the Dark Triad is all about power and control, you can expect money to be one of the big focuses of a malignant triad. They are wheelers and dealers, concerned with seeing how much they can get, while giving the least. This is more than the simple pleasures of finding something on sale or saving money, because they are often impulsive spendthrifts on themselves.  Instead it's about manipulating people. It's a power rush for a triad to control something. So you can count on them to attempt to "mojo" others into giving them something for nothing or at least less. The name of the game is (and I've heard this exact phrase out of a few) "I want to see how much money I can get out of them" or "Let me mojo them, I bet I can make them to give it to me". This is often a point of pride to a triad to be able to not just get a good deal but to "talk them into it". The more they can get out of someone, the more powerful and reaffirmed in their specialness they feel. 

They probably have bad credit. This is more common among antisocial behavior (antisocial equates to sociopathic NOT introverted), but still holds true across the board for the more malignant exploitive sides of the disorders. While one of the triad may try to control their partner's spending, psychopaths especially are very impulsive and can't seem to budget or control their own spending, so they control the one person with control, you. Often debts are ignored, including any contributions that the triad feels entitled to in order to dig them out of their financial hole. This hand up is often treated with ungratefulness or entitlement, as if they were deserving of it. Work done for them will often go unpaid or bills ignored unless there is some sort of penalty to keep them in check. They hate these penalties and any repercussions for their late payments, because accountability is foreign and unfair to them. If someone has haggled you on getting work cheap, they tend to also be the ones less likely to pay up or not have it when the time comes. They rarely hold up their end of the bargain. This disregard for others and entitlement means that student loans get evaded, taxes don't get filed, and workers go unpaid, while the triad lines their own coffers. 

Gifts come with strings attached. If they do spend money on you, they want something. This is the guy who feels entitled to sex, because he bought you dinner. Also it is the person who bought you a present and now thinks they have the right to tell you what to do with it. Or it is the person who now uses a gift as power over you in some way. This is more than someone who gives and gives and then feels unappreciated and explodes. That's usually the victim who is a giver while the triad often a taker or parasite. The triad simply will use what they can to elicit the responses they want out of people, and while they seem unconcerned with what they owe, they also are the first to say "you owe me". They tend to ignore thousands of dollars spent on them, but if they spend a dollar, you should be grateful, and look at what they do for you. When they give, often they don't give you what you want/need, but what they think you should have. My ex, knowing I hate anything on my wrists, bought me a watch and then got mad that I didn't wear it, and well, my dad did the same damn thing. Both knew from the start that I hated watches, and though I tended to be on time or early, they still insisted not only on buying me one, but griping that I never wore it.
If they find out you have money, they'll find a way to spend it... on them. Controlling the money means controlling people and debasing the power of others. The triad wants to be in control and believes they are the only ones worthy of being in control or wielding power. So they want to control the money and how it is spent to make sure their victim is without power, in some cases the power to leave. They will always make their need seem greater than yours. My ex didn't want me to work, because he wanted to keep me financially dependent. Then when I did work, he would spend my entire paycheck so I couldn't. Once, my mother gave me some money, just for me, and the moment he discovered I had it, he repurposed it immediately. This is the same person that one day ran off without a word, emptied the bank account, leaving me $40 to my name. He then "lost" $700... about the running rate for cocaine and whores, I've been told. He then, as psychopaths cannot conceive cause and effect, could not understand why I got a separate bank account. Meanwhile I was forbidden to spend money on myself, and if I bought anything, I would be reamed for it. At the same time he was constantly bringing home things from Belks where he was a manager. For my birthday, he invited me to the store he worked at and made me pick out and buy my own present with my own damned money, but it had to be what he wanted me to have, lingerie.
They are both nicer to people with money and jealous of them. The way to control money is to manipulate people who have it. Almost every member of the triad I've known was far nicer to people with money but could be a down right bastard to people without... even if they themselves happen to be poor due to mismanagement of their own money. That's because they only care about people as far as they can use them and view most people as there to serve their needs like some disinherited royalty. At the same time I saw many of them kissing ass in public, when we were alone there was often a great deal of jealousy and resentment that the triad somehow thought they deserved the wealth, fame, attention, or influence more. This is in spite of any hard work or savvy the powerful person needed to attain said power. But the triad moreso narcissists/psychopaths are too busy being jealous and entitled to take note of the work it took to get there, not understanding cause and affect as well as they think. Meanwhile Machs tend to take notes and learn more than wasting time being jealous. The more egocentric of the triad want to not only be in control, but sole control, and don't want anyone else to have more than them, so they can live by their own rules and not have to answer to anyone. Seeing people who possess what they want, burns these extreme egos. They are rarely happy for other people's success unless they are actively using those people to reach their own to be center stage.

Materialism. Possessions are about Power. If the dark triad have any love languages, it's gifts and words of affirmation, receiving both, not actually giving like people who actually are capable of genuine love. They are groomers of their own image, because they know that image is how they manipulate people, so they use things to enhance that image. It translates into power. Whether it's a spiffy wardrobe, a fancy car, a big house, or the newest gadget, they are not only keeping up with the Joneses, they want to be the Joneses. Narcissists' big tell is a need for narcissistic supply, or people to inflate their ego. This narcissistic supply comes from people telling them how awesome they are, whether it's beauty, intelligence, or some other facet which they believe entitles them to special treatment. They chafe at the "negativity" and feelings of others, also known as "reality", but they themselves are very negative and extremely harsh critics, when it comes judging others. They use this to make psychopathic fiction of their specialness and superiority in order to contrast and make themselves look better. Triads surround themselves with caring people who constantly tell them what they want to hear and revile those who poke holes in their bubbles with honesty or logic. This double standard ensures that they are receiving, not giving, because they feel above even their own rules. Their obsession with possessions is just an extension of their obsession with power and control. While they often have no concern for how they treat your stuff, in a relationship they tend to be "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine". This is the ignoring of boundaries at play. And antisocial triads have no qualms about just taking things to prove they can, and find the power play an amusing game. The bigger problem is that when it comes to acquiring "things"... YOU may be considered one of these acquisitions. I had one person who I was engaged to, treat me like a tool and offer me to someone else to do art for them without asking me in the least, while I was sitting right there. "Oh, Lindsay will do that for you." "Excuse me?" Psychopaths' proto-emotion of caring is often with the person they care about as a form of property. My exhusband who had 3 short-lived marriages before me, often referred to me as "my wife", dehumanizing me and indicating that I was little more than property. The operative word to them is "MY", which is all that matters to them. The triad acquire things and people to help them meet their goals to attain power, even if they go about it in different ways. While those objectified people may be expendable and interchangeable, it's the power attached to them that carries actual meaning to a triad, such as having an attractive mate, but who is inside that mate doesn't matter. One poster child for narcissism, and admitted Peter Pan complex (which is the same thing) used to attempt to devalue his exes by sending them chocolates to make them fat after a break up. Because at their core, the triad cares most about looks and controlling the perception of others. It couldn't be the break up had anything to do with him being a giant prick. He had to make it seem like she was no longer worthy of him, and make sure everyone else felt that way too by devaluing her, instead of looking too closely at him.
All the world's a stage. If anything, the triad are good actors. Psychopaths and sociopaths, though actually lacking in empathy are mimics who can put on a good show of being an empath, but it's all empty and surface level. It's merely part of how they draw victims in and never lasts once they get you where they want you. Ted Bundy pretended to be injured to get kind people to help him so he could lure them away to be killed. He set the stage and drew them in. Narcissists and Machs too, are about setting the stage for their intrigues, as well.  Narcissists make big entrances, soaking up as much of the spotlight as possible, while Machs are often pulling strings back stage. They all wear masks while hiding their true selves, and ruining anyone who tries to reveal the truth about them. Once, my ex told me to "act nice" if you get pulled over and they'll let you off. He often advised me how to "act", because he couldn't BE or even conceive of BEING nice. If you turned your back, you'd see how ugly he truly was. He told me how he learned to make himself cry on stage by staring into the light to make his eyes water, and then I caught him doing it while trying to make me feel sorry for him. But a good actor, needs a set, a stage, and that's where money comes in. One of the reasons I have come to loathe Christmas, was because of my ex's obsession with making everything LOOK perfect. Meanwhile I was in a torturously abusive relationship inside that house. He cared more about how strangers perceived how happy we must be from the outside, than the atrocities inside, and he treated his own body the same way. He was always a sharp dresser and loved the attention. He spent more on clothes and hair product than I ever did, and people responded to him more than they ever did me. I guess when you don't care about people just perception, there's no need for social anxiety. With the stage set, he played the good Christian in front of my folks for Christmas, forcing them to watch Jesus of Nazereth, when in truth he was the leader of a wiccan coven. It was just a shell game. He used his purchases to play the pristine soul and cover the stench of the rotting corpse that lay within. These performances helped him turn people against me time and time again to where I was not only being victimized by him, but by everyone else forcing him on me as well. They always bought the act, which is all he ever had to give. And most people don't take the time to look very deep past their glamours.

It's all about them. There was a story once of a man who found a credit card in the parking lot. Instead of turning it in, he used it to buy a meal with his buddies. This same man had $250 cash on him, and was a millionaire. I guarantee he was one of the dark triad. They don't do this out of any need. They aren't Aladdin stealing bread because they are starving. At the end of the day it's all about them, and what they get out of it. They aren't concerned with paying people what they're worth, because they aren't really concerned with other people outside of how it affects them and what they can get out of it. Funny how someone who treats you like crap and makes you feel horrible about yourself, only does so, so you will sell yourself short and give them the milk for free. At the end of the day, they know you're worth... They just don't want to have to pay for it. 

If you have one of the dark triad breaking you down, odds are that while they are tearing you down telling you what's wrong with you, they are doing so because of what's right with you. They've found something good and they know it. And all the vile things spill out of what is wrong with them far more than what is wrong with you. Healthy people don't go around destroying others and stomping all over their boundaries. If any of this sounds familiar, please seek counseling, because of the inevitable emotional damage they will wreak upon you, but know that counseling will not help a member of the dark triad. These malignant personalities will just use therapy to either become better at manipulating people, or manipulate the therapist into another way to control you. Mine wrapped one therapist around his finger and was using her to try and make me come back to him, till I informed her how he tried to kill me. This is after he had groomed another therapist onto his side with ease, spinning things to be the victim. At the end of the day, they will just lie and manipulate and continue to do what they do. It is simply in their nature. Of all the lies of dealing with the dark triad. The worst ones are the ones we tell ourselves about who they are. They have already told you who they are with their actions. Stop listening to what they say. 

Pawns and Patrons

One of the reasons it is hard to recognize the abuse by a psychopath/sociopath is that they don't treat everyone the same. Their masks are carefully maintained, and like predators, they prey on those they see as weak or least likely to defend themselves. This includes people who are sensitive and empathetic, because those sensitivities make them easy to manipulate. Also as it says in much literature about bullies, they pick on those who are not as socially savvy, which means they have less of a support system. Meanwhile the rest of the people in their life merit different treatment, sometimes very good treatment ... depending on how useful they are.

Narcissists tend to thrive on narcissistic supply, keeping near them people who feed their ego and fragile sense of self. To protect that self they eliminate and avoid those who might damage that ego with pesky things like reality. This goes deeper than vanity, and those who cause a narcissistic injury to their fabricated reality, will suffer an explosive reaction or feigned indifference. There are no middle grounds with a narcissist.

However a psychopath/sociopath, though steeped in their own esteem, is more about their agenda than their ego, though it also is important. For them, it is about gaining power and influence either over an individual or in the case of work, gaining a position that will grant them the most influence and power. While they may seem like an ambitious ladder climber, they will do so on the backs of those around them. And they will be drawn to fields that offer the most influence and chances to exercise their power and manipulation over others. Those professions in order are: CEO, Lawyer, Media (TV/radio), Salesperson, Surgeon, Journalist, Police officer, Clergy, Chef, and Civil servant. It's not that power corrupts, but that it attracts the corruptible.

The psychopath/sociopath does more than just keep their flatterers close like the narcissist. Everyone is sorted into pawns or patrons and that is usually due to the individual's perceived power. "Workplace psychopaths are often charming to staff above their level in the workplace hierarchy but abusive to staff below their level." The only reason they are really nice to anyone is because they want something, and their charm is only a superficial mechanism to attain what they want and covers their general disregard for people who can do nothing for them. In studies on empathy, what appears to be empathetic giving to those on the outside can in fact be a manipulation to gain ground that is motivated by self interest within the group. This is usually done only for the Psychopath/Sociopath's inner circle or people they wish to control or use.

Media, ironically the 3rd highest proponent of psychopaths/sociopaths, has shaped our view on what psychopaths and sociopaths are. They are seen as killers like Dexter, but in fact there are plenty of psychopaths and sociopaths that live relatively normal lives free of crime. However they are never free from behaviors that are manipulative and controlling. They lie without compunction. They manipulate people for their own gain, and they have no remorse about it. When they hurt someone, there is no guilt, only their agenda. They may be only verbal bullies, playing mind games, or just getting the job done in their own mind. The ones raised in a privileged environment often become corporate ladder climbers with less risk of legal penalties, while the less privileged are higher risks for legal penalties. 

Separating people into patrons and pawns is more than just treating those with less rank as inferior or being a diva. It goes deeper than that. On first impression it is hard to tell who is a psychopath or a sociopath. They are charming and have highly developed social skills, which tend to bypass internal warnings. Most people like them on contact and that is by design, as they are also known for being good at manipulating their appearance through clothes and makeup. They are seen as above average intelligent and attractive. They may even appear to be an empath but this is mimicry, designed to smoke out other empaths who are easier to manipulate. Their proclamations in that area are nothing more than words and it is an act. This is why it is said that when a psychopath or sociopath smiles, it doesn't reach their eyes, because the genuine emotion in the eyes is not there. It's just an act. This is one reason they make such good actors and it's the 3rd highest field for them. They're the magpies of emotions.

The character, Amy Burly, on TrueBlood is a very good example of this hidden psychopath. When she first meets Jason, she lies, to keep them from getting caught, looking for V, which is illegal. No rules here, and a decreased sense of fear, which points to psychopathy. However, in her mind, she performs acts which society deems as good, so she views herself as good and by her condescension, better than others. But then she has no actual empathy for those around her, manipulating and controlling to get what she wants, which is another hit of "V" and Jason's support. Meanwhile she takes the lead setting herself up as the mentor spiritually with Jason, seeing his desires and playing on them. All the while she is in control, dictating everything in the relationship, setting herself up as the authority. The vampire that sees through her is ultimately killed by her, and her only concern is containing the situation and manipulating Jason. There is no remorse, only control, and the only person who saw her as the psychopath she actually was, was dead.

When a psychopath/sociopath enters a situation with new people, they begin assessing those people as pawns and patrons, weighed up according to a person's usefulness. This may make the psychopath seem opportunistic at most, but also positively seen as driven and ambitious. While a pawn has some influence or talent and is easy to manipulate, a patron has formal power and will be used to protect against attacks. They will manipulate pawns, but they will be far more interested in playing nice in manipulating their patrons. The more the power or prestige a person has, the nicer they will be to that person whether they have money or happen to be capable of including the psychopath/sociopath on projects that might have potential for power. This is when carefully crafted tales will be spun. The ... "psychopath will create a scenario of “psychopathic fiction” where positive information about themselves and negative disinformation about others will be created, where one's role as a part of a network of pawns or patrons will be utilized and will be groomed into accepting the psychopath's agenda." This agenda often includes advancement, and once a person has served their purpose in elevating the psychopath, they are discarded while the psychopath/sociopath takes that position for themselves. 

Those who oppose them will be character assassinated to maintain power, using others known as apaths to either discredit the person or torment them. This is the byproduct of the before mentioned psychopathic fiction, which if believed, makes the psychopath look like a saint and projects onto the victim all the darker aspects. One of the more insidious ways of this is when they seem to be taking the moral high ground. The psychopath/sociopath will drum up sympathy by seeming to be sympathetic to their victim, "the other person just doesn't understand" and makes it seem like they are compassionate in order to enlist others to try and push the victim into falling in line with the agenda, or simply to promote themselves in the eyes of others. This is often not helped by the individual who was singled out, usually being very angry and hurt at being abused by a psychopath, and thus the lie becomes easier to believe in the face of the victims hurt anger. This is by design, because although the person singled out may see the psychopath/sociopath's true colors, the saintly performance is still fully employed with others. This is workplace bullying at its darkest. The psychopath/sociopath is not some spiritual guru to maintain such calm, they simply don't have remorse for their actions, which they deem completely acceptable on the way to their goal.

This justifying of their own actions is often a double standard, if someone were to do the same to them, they would not spare criticism.  Psychopaths/Sociopaths will not take responsibility for these actions which they deemed necessary, because to do so might weaken their position and that's all they really care about. This ruthlessness is part of their general disregard for rules and the boundaries of others. Pawns and patrons may be used in other ways to gain power, as psychopaths and sociopaths tend to have no problem sleeping their way to the top, or using their power to have relations with those lower in the ranks. Regardless, those around them are not as important as the power they wish to attain, and are only objects to manipulate. I could go on, or I could share the list from the Wikipedia article on Psychopaths in the Workplace.

• Public humiliation of others (high propensity of having temper tantrums or ridiculing work performance)
• Malicious spreading of lies (intentionally deceitful)
• Remorseless or devoid of guilt
• Frequently lies to push his/her point
• Rapidly shifts between emotions – used to manipulate people or cause high anxiety
• Intentionally isolates persons from organizational resources
• Quick to blame others for mistakes or for incomplete work even though he/she is guilty
• Encourages co-workers to torment, alienate, harass and/or humiliate other peers
• Takes credit for other people's accomplishments
• Steals and/or sabotages other persons' works
• Refuses to take responsibility for misjudgments and/or errors
• Threatens any perceived enemy with job loss and/or discipline in order to taint employee file
• Sets unrealistic and unachievable job expectations to set employees up for failure
• Refuses or is reluctant to attend meetings with more than one person
• Refuses to provide adequate training and/or instructions to singled out victim
• Invades personal privacy of others
• Has multiple sexual encounters with junior and/or senior employees
• Develops new ideas without real follow through
• Very self-centered and extremely egotistical (often conversation revolves around them – great deal of self-importance)
• Often borrows money and/or other material objects without any intentions of giving it back
• Will do whatever it takes to close the deal (no regards for ethics or legality)

To understand more about how psychopaths work, check out the Wikipedia article.
Below is an episode of Monk that is one of the best illustrations I've seen on being singled out by a psychopath/sociopath. It's more than just simple bullying, and they pick the person most likely to see through them to tear down. This person is usually an empath, sensitive, and less socially adept. If there is a question, which one is the empath and which is the psychopath, the empath is usually the one with fewer people skills. The empath is the giver and the psychopath/sociopath is the taker. Who's taking the lead, dominating conversations, and in the spotlight? Because it's all about the psychopath/sociopath and their power. The problem is that it's a lot easier to control people by directing their hate, and by doing so deflecting criticism. This is how they work and this is why it works.

"Let me tell you something about the people. Lock ten of them in a room and they may not pick a leader but I guarantee you, they will pick someone to hate." - Dennis Hopper
The estimates in the population for psychopaths and sociopaths goes as low as 4% but I've seen as high as 10%. That means that you probably do know more than one. You probably like them, and they seem fun and care free. Probably because they are, by definition, lacking in concern for many of the areas that other people have. They are ambitious and opportunistic. While these by themselves don't make someone a psychopath/sociopath, they are symptoms along with a propensity for lying, jealousy, self-centeredness, and a disregard for boundaries. If you encounter one casually, you probably won't notice anything amiss. It's when you get closer that the trap springs. You may not even know you're trapped till you try to get out. These darker personalities can do a lot of damage, and it can take an immense amount of time to heal.

Counseling with one will not help because they will just manipulate the counselor too, making them another patron. They will not change, all they change is victims and methods to not get caught. Counseling just makes them better manipulators by revealing your weaknesses, or allowing them to excuse their inappropriate behavior as being mentally ill. They may even use that as a crutch for special treatment. My ex committed himself after he took his first swing at me and I kicked him out. He had the counselor called me, because I was avoiding all contact, and so it snuck past my radar. It was a conference call, and I heard this innocent psychologist, completely snowed by his victim act, try to pull me back in for him. She was appalled when I informed her that he had threatened to kill me and drove 90 miles an hour to a dead end into the interstate, for mentioning divorce. He had been billing me as the villain and him the victim, as many of these types project onto the victim. She had believed him as most do, and when he tried to backpedal or dismiss my claim, I'm not sure they ever grasped what he was. Even though this reworking things to fit, rewriting history and circumventing things they are guilty of without addressing them is all part of their controlling perception. Even my family was trying to push us back together, feeling sorry for him after committing himself. He had them believing that I was blowing things out of proportion, until he almost succeeded the next attempt on my life.

If you've been singled out, chances are you are not only a victim, but being made the villain as well through blame shifting, gas-lighting, and character assassination. This is to break any support that you might have, keep the victim silent, and to avoid alarming anyone else to their true nature. It is a deeply unsettling position to be abused and taking all the blame as well. It messes with your memory and reality and makes one question if they are crazy. Ironically that's a question they would never ask themselves due to a sever lack of self awareness, or because it was a planned manipulation which seems reasonable to them. They don't question themselves if they are the problem, or if called out on something, consider that maybe they might have done something and try to understand. This is why many people develop memory problems after abuse. When they play with your mind, they literally damage it, and you can develop PTSD. The traumatic moments are seared into your mind while becoming forgetful in other ways. Meanwhile your abuser tends to have a cast iron vault for memories. Liars tend to have excellent memories in order to keep track of their lies, while honest people do not need to expend such energy, but suddenly feel the need when dealing with the ever changing chaos just to keep up! Studies have also shown that those with great self control tend to have worse memories, while psychopaths tend to be impulsive.

Again, I could go on, list out all the horrible experiences I've had, all the situations that fell soundly into the psychopath/sociopath description, and relay how twisted their minds work. I could express the frustrations at being both victim and projected onto as the villain. I could tell you how it has ruined my life and how I stayed longer than I should have out of hope for a person that was not who I thought they were.  Feeling sorry for and reaching out to help people got me used and abused, while draining my resources financially and emotionally. The thought of leaving but knowing the fall out would be horrible, kept me tolerating and trying to slowly withdraw only to be pulled back in again and again. But the thing is, even with all this information, and all that I've learned, I still get blind sided by them. Looking back, I can see all the red flags, but as a certain cartoon commented, "when you look at people through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags". While posting about this, I want to help other people not end up like me, it's still hard to explain unless you've been there. So here's another article by someone who's been there called The Dance with the Devil and some excerpts of why being an empath or codependent makes you easy prey for these types. I encourage you to watch the episode of Monk at the bottom. Like I said before it's one of the better illustrations I've seen of how psychopaths and sociopaths work. You can see how they cover their tracks with pawns and patrons, and how Monk is singled out as a threat and people are turned against him, because he sees through the act. You can see how this tears apart Monk's support from people who could help him, and how the charm of a psychopath/sociopath seems to override all reason. And if anything else, it's a good show. But as Tom Clancy said, "the difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense." In reality, the psychopath/sociopath aren't so neatly wrapped up in the end.

"The Sociopath uses his or her intuition to find a person to take on a support role in the his/her life and to keep them happy in that role until that person is invested in the relationship. This is called The Hook. Empaths are great support people. We will listen to the Victim’s story, we will help him with his projects, and if we haven’t healed our dependency issues, we will do this in exchange for having material support or for having a sense of purpose and belonging in the world."

"Abusers of the Cluster B Personality Disorder Type are usually charming, attractive people. They know how to make the Empath feel special, but they are shut off from their hearts in order not to feel that worthlessness. They are also liars. He lies to himself, he believes his own lies, and then he tells those lies to the people around him without knowing he is lying.

The Empath starts thinking that she is the crazy one, when it is he who is actually ill. He is so focused on his outer image that he is willing to sacrifice reality (and the Empath). Unfortunately, the Sociopath has usually gathered enough people around him that are willing to go along with the facade. These people, unlike the Empath, do not get past the outer shell and fall for the facade. Or worse, these people catch glimpses of the unhealthy inner core, but do not call him out on his behavior. These people would rather live by appearances as well. As you can imagine, this living-by-appearances is crazy-making for the average Empath. She begins to doubt herself; the Empath can get stuck in a mental loop of analysis of the situation and the relationship without making the realisation that the Hero is happiest living a lie and wants it that way.

However, eventually the relationship disintegrates when the Empath either becomes so drained the Hero has to find another support person, or the Empath leaves the relationship out of desperation for her sanity. For many Empaths it can feel like an act of survival to leave this relationship while everyone else involved thinks the Empath is the crazy, over-reactive one. Most Empaths who have been through this scenario have been in the relationship for years."

10 Things I've Noticed about Emotionally Abusive People

Here are things I've noticed about the problem (emotionally abusive) people in my life. I don't know if they all have the same personality disorders, but it makes me leery of these traits. It's not that any of these are horrible on their own, but combined seem to make trouble for me personally.

1. Very enthusiastically friendly and charming on first meeting. 
It's almost like walking into someone's house with an undisciplined dog. They are in your face and you will like them. It can cause a feeling like you are being glamoured, like they want something, or you feel like a wall goes up instinctively as if they are forcing an impression on you. Kinda like a car salesman, but they're selling themselves. There ARE kind, happy people you meet that are interested in you, but this feels different, because they are making themselves the main focus.

2. Obsessive phone callers.
This is why I hate talking on the phone unless necessary. When I tried to leave my ex-husband, he literally called me every 15 minutes. Every single problem person would call for something that could be handled in one sentence in an email, and consume your time talking about themselves. Someone calls you on the phone, it interrupts life, while messages wait till you're ready to respond. It's a way of demanding attention, and these obsessive callers are always miffed when people don't answer. One commented that they could see people commenting on Facebook and how dare they not respond. When I put my foot down with one in chat who was telling me my own mind, and I told her she was wrong, she called for 2 hours lamenting how mean I was for that and how horrible. I never got a word in edgewise, so I put the phone down and walked away... she never stopped talking.  The thing with phones is that you have no record of what was said  unless recording it, which most people don't, so they can say whatever they like off record and there's no proof. The same people will display a completely different personality in text for this very reason. They use excuses like "you can't understand the tone", etc... which is not something I have really seen to be the case, except by people who read things into text that isn't there.

3. Controls the conversation.
Even when the conversation is about someone else, they tend to make it somehow about themselves. When angered, it's hard to get a word in edgewise. They tend to be controlling in general, and by controlling the conversation it can never go where they don't want it. When I would meet my ex-husband for lunch, he would talk about himself, usually while he was eating all my french fries and exclaiming how bad they are, and the moment I started to speak, he would decide it was time to go.

4. Is a snob.
"This is the way it's done", "You don't understand because this is the way it works", or "I know what I'm talking about (and you don't)".  What they like is what's right, and what others like isn't. Everyone does this to a certain extent. We all have our preferences. But they will speak like their preference and agenda is the only way to go and look down on others for not going along with it... even if they have very good reasons.  Because that's the principle of it, an excuse to look down on others.

5. They are extremely sensitive to feelings, unless they're yours.
My ex-husband would claim to be a feminist and criticize the husband of one woman who was obviously controlled by her husband, and yet was the same to me. But if I dared to fight back, I was mean and horrible. With all these similar people, they did not seem to have any guilt about hurting my feelings, but if I stepped a toe out of line in any way that displeased them in the least, there was drama to pay. While I was expected to tolerate unreasonable behavior, they were allowed to do whatever. Any feigned interest in my feelings was used to spin it to make them look caring in the midst of them railing against being called out. One used other people's circumstances to garner sympathy and attention for herself by displaying how much she "cared". When at the heart of it, she cared about what she got out of it.


6. They hate to be ignored and have to be the center of attention.
I was watching Riverdance with my ex and said something about how I liked the dancing and wished I could take it. "I can do that" he proclaimed like a 5 year old and proceeded to get up and dance like an idiot who didn't know what he was doing, because he didn't. It was a moment of "hey look at me." Another was visibly put out when someone gave me a sincere compliment even though she complimented me, but it was insincere flattery and she wanted the attention. One threw such a fit when I got hit on more than her that she sold her Renfest costume, because she was obviously prettier and smarter than me and was pissed when reality didn't support her assertions. Which leads us to...

7. They are jealous.
My ex-husband was so jealous that he hated people who had more than him. He didn't want me even being friends with other guys and tormented me if I was. Another was terribly jealous of another woman out of fear that she might be prettier than her, because that's how she manipulated people into giving her what she wanted. This jealousy usually manifested in severe criticism of the other person but not for actual wrongs, hunting for reasons to dislike someone and then trying to diminish them to make themselves look better.

8. Making themselves seem much bigger and more important than they actually are.
I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm not that important. It rather worries me when people compliment me, because of the insincere flattery and the setting on a pedestal to tear me down. These people do not have that problem and are all too eager to tell you how big and bad they are, even if when it's time to put their money where their mouth is,  and they can't. One seemed far more successful because her gentleman caller had given her lots of equipment. The guys tended to do martial arts moves to seem more knowledgeable or intimidating than they were. One told me how smart she was and was mad that in this house with Trenton, she was far from the top of the list. She was mad that I beat her constantly at board games. Another girl told me she was so much better than me as an artist and fencer, meanwhile I beat her in tournaments and was offered art deals when she wasn't. It didn't mean she was bad, but she just was not as good as she touted. I perceived us to be on the same level, but she could not have that.

9. Professing to be deep, but being shallow.
For all I've been told by these people how spiritual or what not they were... it was hard to ascertain a spirituality that was more than them getting what they want... They seemed very focused on the physical and being perceived as physically attractive. Now I confess, I was there too. I pretty much had affirmed to me in my youth, by my misogynistic upbringing, that it was the only thing that made me worth anything to men. And I darn near killed myself trying to be perfect. These people however already felt they were perfect and entitled to admiration, and it was other people's bodies that had to live up to what they wanted, not their own. This was marked by comments on other people's bodies like "she shouldn't be wearing that", "eating all that mayo is why your kid is fat", and other comments that degraded people based on their bodies. Or they projected their own shallowness onto others. When I left one boyfriend because he was a lazy butt who would not get a job and wanted to live off me and my parents, in his shallow brain (that only looked at me like a pretty prize), it was because he wasn't as thin or built as Trenton. When he showed up all buff at my booth like I was going to ditch Trenton and go back to him, I lit into him because he had documents from my company that I needed and he would not give back. Ultimately I had to threaten him with legal action to get him to comply because my needs were not important and he disregarded what I had to say. It took him off guard that looks wasn't what I was interested in at all. I noticed and it made me madder that he projected his own shallowness onto me. We had broken up before and my best friend Richard, when he first met me, had been asked to help us get back together at a gaming group by my ex-boyfriend. When Richard met me, he realized this was not the dim bimbo that had been described. Something Richard could see that I was not on first meeting, but my ex-boyfriend could not see after years.

10. They make you wait.

Part of not having respect for you, is wasting your time. I would go to meet my ex-husband at work for lunch and he would make me wait, sometimes for hours, but the moment I talked to someone, he would up and be ready to go right then, proving he could have left, but he chose not to. Others tended to call and tell me they were leaving at the time they were supposed to be there. They were always late by an hour or two, and it wasn't an occasional, I honest to goodness got stuck in traffic, but a pattern. Meanwhile the same people would be mad if you did not respond quickly to them when they were ready. Or sometimes making me cut out hours of my day for something, when I really didn't need to be involved.

All of this combined makes people who are self centered. They often did other worse things that they have in common, but I wanted to focus on things that were common interactions. Not everyone gets to the intimate level with these people to get into the really abusive natures. But these are the things that an acquaintance might pick up on interacting with them, before getting involved and getting hurt. Again, one of these things by itself is not so bad, but if it sounds like a checklist for someone, then you might want to keep your eyes open and your boundaries firm.

Edit:
Just so you know that I'm not blowing smoke. I do attract narcissists, but extreme egotism is also central to psychopaths as well (usually diagnosed Antisocial - the lack of guilt being the main tell for them ). I left out the lying and such for antisocial personality disorder, because they didn't all fit it, even if many did. Some just lied to themselves a lot. But these were common behaviors across all the abusers I've had. At least one definitely had severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one was a true hard core psychopath (the ex-husband who kidnapped and raped me), and a few were diagnosed with Dissociative, which I question as that often takes several years to diagnose, usually committed in a mental facility. One of them I believe because he did check out often, even if he had some narcissistic traits. But one is incredibly manipulative and fit borderline/antisocial far more, probably manipulating her therapist like everyone else for something more dramatic. The rest also fit in the dramatic personality disorder category on some level. Regardless there were some things that fit most of them and seemed to be universal tells that something is off that stretched across the board.

Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)
Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, lack of empathy, bloated self-image, manipulative and impulsive behavior.

Borderline personality disorder: pervasive pattern of instability in relationships, self-image, identity, behavior and affects often leading to self-harm and impulsivity.

Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive pattern of attention-seeking behavior and excessive emotions.

Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.