Before we get started, I'll let Wikipedia define the Dark Triad. As I seem to attract all three and they have traits that overlap and make it hard to distinguish between a self centered narcissist and a self obsessed sociopath or psychopath. Due to this overlap I'm going to refer to my observations about the malignant personality types as the triad though some may apply more to narcissists and some more to psychopaths. However they each qualify under malevolent qualities. All three of these are self-absorbed liars and manipulators, who lack empathy and exploit others. While they may be different flavors of crap, they're still all steaming piles of crap.
The dark triad [1] is a group of three personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.[2][3][4] Use of the term "dark" implies that these traits have malevolent qualities:[5][6][7][8]
- Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy.[9]
- Machiavellianism is characterized by manipulation and exploitation of others, a cynical disregard for morality, and a focus on self-interest and deception.[10]
- Psychopathy is characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, impulsivity, selfishness, callousness, and remorselessness.[11]
The Dark Triad tends to be attracted to a certain type of person, whether you want to call it empathetic, empaths, codependent, care giver, or just kind or caring people, the triad considers these people to be ripe pickings for their dramas, because the caring and empathy they lack or only pretend to have is seen as a weakness that is easy to manipulate. You'll often find more than one empath around one of the triad, as they tend to use their poison on multiple people. However you may notice that the triad will cycle through these people, and once they've used one up, another one is already waiting in the wings to be manipulated. There's a high turn over rate for those close to one of the triad, and those who stay are either being manipulated through fear, guilt, and false hope or abundantly patient, waiting on the person to change into the act they first met.
They will not change. The problem is that there is absolutely no cure for psychopathy, as their brain is literally wired wrong to enjoy causing pain. The prognosis for the rest of the triad is not so good either. Machs are often proud of what they are, and narcissists enjoy their malevolent behavior as well. The only person who can cure a narcissist is themselves, but as they lack the empathy to care about how they hurt others, they aren't often interested in changing. Besides, there's another person waiting to be their bitch, especially if they are attractive. So if you love one of the triad, you either need to have some seriously strong boundaries and know how to keep them from violating yours (which takes more energy than most people have). If not, you need to get out and accept that a relationship is only as healthy as its only unhealthiest member, and they are pretty much as unhealthy as it gets, with no hope of improvement. This is why I find it necessary to attempt to help educate people, so they won't have to suffer through the same things I have, time and again as I tried to reason with the unreasonable. Unfortunately if you are someone who has been abused, you attract and are often attracted to abusers. Victims will repeat the cycle until dealing with the core of the original abuse, understanding yourself and your motivations, and learning to spot red flags early on. So maybe this will help highlight some red flags.
Money is Power, and they are all about power. As the Dark Triad is all about power and control, you can expect money to be one of the big focuses of a malignant triad. They are wheelers and dealers, concerned with seeing how much they can get, while giving the least. This is more than the simple pleasures of finding something on sale or saving money, because they are often impulsive spendthrifts on themselves. Instead it's about manipulating people. It's a power rush for a triad to control something. So you can count on them to attempt to "mojo" others into giving them something for nothing or at least less. The name of the game is (and I've heard this exact phrase out of a few) "I want to see how much money I can get out of them" or "Let me mojo them, I bet I can make them to give it to me". This is often a point of pride to a triad to be able to not just get a good deal but to "talk them into it". The more they can get out of someone, the more powerful and reaffirmed in their specialness they feel.
They probably have bad credit. This is more common among antisocial behavior (antisocial equates to sociopathic NOT introverted), but still holds true across the board for the more malignant exploitive sides of the disorders. While one of the triad may try to control their partner's spending, psychopaths especially are very impulsive and can't seem to budget or control their own spending, so they control the one person with control, you. Often debts are ignored, including any contributions that the triad feels entitled to in order to dig them out of their financial hole. This hand up is often treated with ungratefulness or entitlement, as if they were deserving of it. Work done for them will often go unpaid or bills ignored unless there is some sort of penalty to keep them in check. They hate these penalties and any repercussions for their late payments, because accountability is foreign and unfair to them. If someone has haggled you on getting work cheap, they tend to also be the ones less likely to pay up or not have it when the time comes. They rarely hold up their end of the bargain. This disregard for others and entitlement means that student loans get evaded, taxes don't get filed, and workers go unpaid, while the triad lines their own coffers.
Gifts come with strings attached. If they do spend money on you, they want something. This is the guy who feels entitled to sex, because he bought you dinner. Also it is the person who bought you a present and now thinks they have the right to tell you what to do with it. Or it is the person who now uses a gift as power over you in some way. This is more than someone who gives and gives and then feels unappreciated and explodes. That's usually the victim who is a giver while the triad often a taker or parasite. The triad simply will use what they can to elicit the responses they want out of people, and while they seem unconcerned with what they owe, they also are the first to say "you owe me". They tend to ignore thousands of dollars spent on them, but if they spend a dollar, you should be grateful, and look at what they do for you. When they give, often they don't give you what you want/need, but what they think you should have. My ex, knowing I hate anything on my wrists, bought me a watch and then got mad that I didn't wear it, and well, my dad did the same damn thing. Both knew from the start that I hated watches, and though I tended to be on time or early, they still insisted not only on buying me one, but griping that I never wore it.
If they find out you have money, they'll find a way to spend it... on them. Controlling the money means controlling people and debasing the power of others. The triad wants to be in control and believes they are the only ones worthy of being in control or wielding power. So they want to control the money and how it is spent to make sure their victim is without power, in some cases the power to leave. They will always make their need seem greater than yours. My ex didn't want me to work, because he wanted to keep me financially dependent. Then when I did work, he would spend my entire paycheck so I couldn't. Once, my mother gave me some money, just for me, and the moment he discovered I had it, he repurposed it immediately. This is the same person that one day ran off without a word, emptied the bank account, leaving me $40 to my name. He then "lost" $700... about the running rate for cocaine and whores, I've been told. He then, as psychopaths cannot conceive cause and effect, could not understand why I got a separate bank account. Meanwhile I was forbidden to spend money on myself, and if I bought anything, I would be reamed for it. At the same time he was constantly bringing home things from Belks where he was a manager. For my birthday, he invited me to the store he worked at and made me pick out and buy my own present with my own damned money, but it had to be what he wanted me to have, lingerie.
They are both nicer to people with money and jealous of them. The way to control money is to manipulate people who have it. Almost every member of the triad I've known was far nicer to people with money but could be a down right bastard to people without... even if they themselves happen to be poor due to mismanagement of their own money. That's because they only care about people as far as they can use them and view most people as there to serve their needs like some disinherited royalty. At the same time I saw many of them kissing ass in public, when we were alone there was often a great deal of jealousy and resentment that the triad somehow thought they deserved the wealth, fame, attention, or influence more. This is in spite of any hard work or savvy the powerful person needed to attain said power. But the triad moreso narcissists/psychopaths are too busy being jealous and entitled to take note of the work it took to get there, not understanding cause and affect as well as they think. Meanwhile Machs tend to take notes and learn more than wasting time being jealous. The more egocentric of the triad want to not only be in control, but sole control, and don't want anyone else to have more than them, so they can live by their own rules and not have to answer to anyone. Seeing people who possess what they want, burns these extreme egos. They are rarely happy for other people's success unless they are actively using those people to reach their own to be center stage.
If they find out you have money, they'll find a way to spend it... on them. Controlling the money means controlling people and debasing the power of others. The triad wants to be in control and believes they are the only ones worthy of being in control or wielding power. So they want to control the money and how it is spent to make sure their victim is without power, in some cases the power to leave. They will always make their need seem greater than yours. My ex didn't want me to work, because he wanted to keep me financially dependent. Then when I did work, he would spend my entire paycheck so I couldn't. Once, my mother gave me some money, just for me, and the moment he discovered I had it, he repurposed it immediately. This is the same person that one day ran off without a word, emptied the bank account, leaving me $40 to my name. He then "lost" $700... about the running rate for cocaine and whores, I've been told. He then, as psychopaths cannot conceive cause and effect, could not understand why I got a separate bank account. Meanwhile I was forbidden to spend money on myself, and if I bought anything, I would be reamed for it. At the same time he was constantly bringing home things from Belks where he was a manager. For my birthday, he invited me to the store he worked at and made me pick out and buy my own present with my own damned money, but it had to be what he wanted me to have, lingerie.
They are both nicer to people with money and jealous of them. The way to control money is to manipulate people who have it. Almost every member of the triad I've known was far nicer to people with money but could be a down right bastard to people without... even if they themselves happen to be poor due to mismanagement of their own money. That's because they only care about people as far as they can use them and view most people as there to serve their needs like some disinherited royalty. At the same time I saw many of them kissing ass in public, when we were alone there was often a great deal of jealousy and resentment that the triad somehow thought they deserved the wealth, fame, attention, or influence more. This is in spite of any hard work or savvy the powerful person needed to attain said power. But the triad moreso narcissists/psychopaths are too busy being jealous and entitled to take note of the work it took to get there, not understanding cause and affect as well as they think. Meanwhile Machs tend to take notes and learn more than wasting time being jealous. The more egocentric of the triad want to not only be in control, but sole control, and don't want anyone else to have more than them, so they can live by their own rules and not have to answer to anyone. Seeing people who possess what they want, burns these extreme egos. They are rarely happy for other people's success unless they are actively using those people to reach their own to be center stage.
Materialism. Possessions are about Power. If the dark triad have any love languages, it's gifts and words of affirmation, receiving both, not actually giving like people who actually are capable of genuine love. They are groomers of their own image, because they know that image is how they manipulate people, so they use things to enhance that image. It translates into power. Whether it's a spiffy wardrobe, a fancy car, a big house, or the newest gadget, they are not only keeping up with the Joneses, they want to be the Joneses. Narcissists' big tell is a need for narcissistic supply, or people to inflate their ego. This narcissistic supply comes from people telling them how awesome they are, whether it's beauty, intelligence, or some other facet which they believe entitles them to special treatment. They chafe at the "negativity" and feelings of others, also known as "reality", but they themselves are very negative and extremely harsh critics, when it comes judging others. They use this to make psychopathic fiction of their specialness and superiority in order to contrast and make themselves look better. Triads surround themselves with caring people who constantly tell them what they want to hear and revile those who poke holes in their bubbles with honesty or logic. This double standard ensures that they are receiving, not giving, because they feel above even their own rules. Their obsession with possessions is just an extension of their obsession with power and control. While they often have no concern for how they treat your stuff, in a relationship they tend to be "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine". This is the ignoring of boundaries at play. And antisocial triads have no qualms about just taking things to prove they can, and find the power play an amusing game. The bigger problem is that when it comes to acquiring "things"... YOU may be considered one of these acquisitions. I had one person who I was engaged to, treat me like a tool and offer me to someone else to do art for them without asking me in the least, while I was sitting right there. "Oh, Lindsay will do that for you." "Excuse me?" Psychopaths' proto-emotion of caring is often with the person they care about as a form of property. My exhusband who had 3 short-lived marriages before me, often referred to me as "my wife", dehumanizing me and indicating that I was little more than property. The operative word to them is "MY", which is all that matters to them. The triad acquire things and people to help them meet their goals to attain power, even if they go about it in different ways. While those objectified people may be expendable and interchangeable, it's the power attached to them that carries actual meaning to a triad, such as having an attractive mate, but who is inside that mate doesn't matter. One poster child for narcissism, and admitted Peter Pan complex (which is the same thing) used to attempt to devalue his exes by sending them chocolates to make them fat after a break up. Because at their core, the triad cares most about looks and controlling the perception of others. It couldn't be the break up had anything to do with him being a giant prick. He had to make it seem like she was no longer worthy of him, and make sure everyone else felt that way too by devaluing her, instead of looking too closely at him.
All the world's a stage. If anything, the triad are good actors. Psychopaths and sociopaths, though actually lacking in empathy are mimics who can put on a good show of being an empath, but it's all empty and surface level. It's merely part of how they draw victims in and never lasts once they get you where they want you. Ted Bundy pretended to be injured to get kind people to help him so he could lure them away to be killed. He set the stage and drew them in. Narcissists and Machs too, are about setting the stage for their intrigues, as well. Narcissists make big entrances, soaking up as much of the spotlight as possible, while Machs are often pulling strings back stage. They all wear masks while hiding their true selves, and ruining anyone who tries to reveal the truth about them. Once, my ex told me to "act nice" if you get pulled over and they'll let you off. He often advised me how to "act", because he couldn't BE or even conceive of BEING nice. If you turned your back, you'd see how ugly he truly was. He told me how he learned to make himself cry on stage by staring into the light to make his eyes water, and then I caught him doing it while trying to make me feel sorry for him. But a good actor, needs a set, a stage, and that's where money comes in. One of the reasons I have come to loathe Christmas, was because of my ex's obsession with making everything LOOK perfect. Meanwhile I was in a torturously abusive relationship inside that house. He cared more about how strangers perceived how happy we must be from the outside, than the atrocities inside, and he treated his own body the same way. He was always a sharp dresser and loved the attention. He spent more on clothes and hair product than I ever did, and people responded to him more than they ever did me. I guess when you don't care about people just perception, there's no need for social anxiety. With the stage set, he played the good Christian in front of my folks for Christmas, forcing them to watch Jesus of Nazereth, when in truth he was the leader of a wiccan coven. It was just a shell game. He used his purchases to play the pristine soul and cover the stench of the rotting corpse that lay within. These performances helped him turn people against me time and time again to where I was not only being victimized by him, but by everyone else forcing him on me as well. They always bought the act, which is all he ever had to give. And most people don't take the time to look very deep past their glamours.
All the world's a stage. If anything, the triad are good actors. Psychopaths and sociopaths, though actually lacking in empathy are mimics who can put on a good show of being an empath, but it's all empty and surface level. It's merely part of how they draw victims in and never lasts once they get you where they want you. Ted Bundy pretended to be injured to get kind people to help him so he could lure them away to be killed. He set the stage and drew them in. Narcissists and Machs too, are about setting the stage for their intrigues, as well. Narcissists make big entrances, soaking up as much of the spotlight as possible, while Machs are often pulling strings back stage. They all wear masks while hiding their true selves, and ruining anyone who tries to reveal the truth about them. Once, my ex told me to "act nice" if you get pulled over and they'll let you off. He often advised me how to "act", because he couldn't BE or even conceive of BEING nice. If you turned your back, you'd see how ugly he truly was. He told me how he learned to make himself cry on stage by staring into the light to make his eyes water, and then I caught him doing it while trying to make me feel sorry for him. But a good actor, needs a set, a stage, and that's where money comes in. One of the reasons I have come to loathe Christmas, was because of my ex's obsession with making everything LOOK perfect. Meanwhile I was in a torturously abusive relationship inside that house. He cared more about how strangers perceived how happy we must be from the outside, than the atrocities inside, and he treated his own body the same way. He was always a sharp dresser and loved the attention. He spent more on clothes and hair product than I ever did, and people responded to him more than they ever did me. I guess when you don't care about people just perception, there's no need for social anxiety. With the stage set, he played the good Christian in front of my folks for Christmas, forcing them to watch Jesus of Nazereth, when in truth he was the leader of a wiccan coven. It was just a shell game. He used his purchases to play the pristine soul and cover the stench of the rotting corpse that lay within. These performances helped him turn people against me time and time again to where I was not only being victimized by him, but by everyone else forcing him on me as well. They always bought the act, which is all he ever had to give. And most people don't take the time to look very deep past their glamours.
It's all about them. There was a story once of a man who found a credit card in the parking lot. Instead of turning it in, he used it to buy a meal with his buddies. This same man had $250 cash on him, and was a millionaire. I guarantee he was one of the dark triad. They don't do this out of any need. They aren't Aladdin stealing bread because they are starving. At the end of the day it's all about them, and what they get out of it. They aren't concerned with paying people what they're worth, because they aren't really concerned with other people outside of how it affects them and what they can get out of it. Funny how someone who treats you like crap and makes you feel horrible about yourself, only does so, so you will sell yourself short and give them the milk for free. At the end of the day, they know you're worth... They just don't want to have to pay for it.
If you have one of the dark triad breaking you down, odds are that while they are tearing you down telling you what's wrong with you, they are doing so because of what's right with you. They've found something good and they know it. And all the vile things spill out of what is wrong with them far more than what is wrong with you. Healthy people don't go around destroying others and stomping all over their boundaries. If any of this sounds familiar, please seek counseling, because of the inevitable emotional damage they will wreak upon you, but know that counseling will not help a member of the dark triad. These malignant personalities will just use therapy to either become better at manipulating people, or manipulate the therapist into another way to control you. Mine wrapped one therapist around his finger and was using her to try and make me come back to him, till I informed her how he tried to kill me. This is after he had groomed another therapist onto his side with ease, spinning things to be the victim. At the end of the day, they will just lie and manipulate and continue to do what they do. It is simply in their nature. Of all the lies of dealing with the dark triad. The worst ones are the ones we tell ourselves about who they are. They have already told you who they are with their actions. Stop listening to what they say.
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