Sleepless

I cannot sleep next to you at night
because you give old wounds New life
but it has nothing, my love, to do with you,
but the man who, my soul he tried to slew
What gives a man the right to posess another
by excuse of an unloving mother?
He swore to never let me love another
and put my whole world and life asunder.

Tis his memory I wrestle nightly
of this man who didn't treat me rightly
and to prove to himself he was mighty
had to crush my spirit and humanity nightly

In my sleep, your arm becomes his
replaying a gruesome battle of wits
still bound at ankles and wrists
as my soul and my clothes he rips.

My screams again go unheard,
as he rapes body, he rapes mind with words.
yelling "there is no God" when I try to pray,
and hurting me worse for attempts to get away.

They say I'm lucky to be alive,
he intended to kill me that night
But the waking dead I feel some days
though I have few scars to display.

Though he sits in an iron cage,
and the law says the debt is paid
in my own prison I remain,
in shifting walls of revisiting pain.

So I lie sleepless in my invisible cell,
for sleep revisits my personal hell,
Your gesture a part of me longs for
serves as key to an unpleasant door.

Deja Fu

Deja fu

I'm ready to fight

I've been here before

I know what you will do next

I see the pattern of words you weave

I know what you will do next

I've been here before

I'm ready to fight

Deja fu

Absentee Love

It's hard to imagine summer

when winter is chilling you to the bone.

Though surrounded by people,

I could not be more alone.

I've given my love to men

with hearts of stone,

returning my gifts with

an unwelcome cold groan.

When love came,

it was I who fell,

but isn't love supposed to

lift you up, as well?

The absence of love

is the essence of hell,

with or without

this earthly shell.

Forgiveness

I can forgive the man who kills me, but I will still be dead
I can forgive the one who lies to me, but distrust will still be bred.
I can forgive the one who cuts me, but I will still bleed.
I can forgive the one who takes from me but I will still be in need.

I can forgive the one who hurts me, but it does not erase the pain.
To forgive the unrepentant heart, means they'll only do it again.
"I'm sorry" does not stop the blood nor tears that freely flow.
How can one cause such an effect and claim they did not know?

To cause a wound in heart or flesh, may heal but it takes time.
Forgiveness does not erase the fact that there was ever a crime.
Forgiveness does the soul much good, and letting go helps for sure
But there are consequences for every deed that its victims must endure.

Seer

I saw you. I saw you plainly and you shook. Who knew I had such power in a look? I, the rooted one stood still, while you trembled like a leaf blown by a force unseen - truth? guilt? fear of being caught? Would your world crumble should I shine a light on your dry and withered self? I knew what you had done, and despite all the history you tried to rewrite, deep down you knew too, and because of it, you trembled. Not the mighty oak you would have them believe, but just a trembling dead leaf, clinging to a branch. I see you plainly. Do they?

Clearing Up the Pop Culture References

It's sad how much film and pop culture can have an influence on society's perceptions of psychology.  Most infamously was the mixing up of the term schizophrenic and multiple personality disorder, otherwise known as dissociative disorder.  "Schizophrenia is a mental disorder that makes it hard to: Tell the difference between what is real and not real; Think clearly; Have normal emotional responses; Act normally in social situations."  It has nothing to do with the splitting of the personality, but thanks to modern entertainment, the definitions were confused. "Dissociative disorders are conditions that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity or perception. People with dissociative disorders use dissociation, a defense mechanism, pathologically and involuntarily."  Although the two are similar in their deviations from the real world, you would never see a schizophrenic with multiple personalities.  Although perceptions are unstable for schizophrenics, the self is unstable for the dissociative.

Media has a profound impact on how we perceive the things that are outside the realm of our daily life. For many, it is their only window, into what some of us have actually lived.  Therefore it becomes the baseline of expectations when those things actually occur, such as criminal behavior. Serial killers are a favorite for police dramas, and solving crimes a large section of our daily programming.  However the technology and equipment available to CSI are not often found in small or rural communities.  We've all seen the kidnappings where the cops are at the house, waiting for the kidnapper to call. But that's Hollywood. In my experience, it was being dragged in to report the crime, then the rape kit, the photos, the videoing of my testimony, then our interactions were mostly done unless something new came up.  There were patrols, and they finally caught my ex driving slow on the interstate in Kansas, where he tried to plead insanity. I suppose that doesn't make good television though, so Hollywood mixes things up.  Rarely do people consider that when watching a show. Perhaps America has media induced schizophrenia where most don't know what is real or unreal until they've experienced it for themselves.

This blog is mainly on the differences between psychopaths and sociopaths.  Media has used them interchangeably, and in many ways they are the same condition.  The big difference is that psychopaths are born, and sociopaths are made, nature versus nurture, if you will. Otherwise they are virtually the same thing.

Psychopaths' brains literally do not function in a normal way, from birth. This is one of the reasons that there is no cure for psychopaths.  Their brains show low activity in certain areas of the frontal and temporal lobes linked to empathy, morality and self-control.  The expression of this and the behaviors are the same in sociopathy, the only difference being that sociopaths were not born, they were made. Sociopathy became used in reference to the violation of social norms and antisocial behavior inherent in the pathology.

Antisocial is another term that is widely misused in association with introverted or avoidant people as well as others less likely to socialize in a typically extroverted way.  However Antisocial at its meaning, means against society and antisocial personality disorder  is a personality disorder characterized by a pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others.  This may be expressed through lying, manipulation, and abuse, both mental and physical.  Antisocial Personality Disorder is classified under Dramatic personality disorders, alongside narcissistic and histrionic and can express similar qualities. Just in case you were wondering what's wrong with drama queens, you'll probably find it under dramatic personality disorders.

These antisocial behaviors are what separate the psycho/sociopath from what can often seem like narcissistic personality disorder.  The lack of empathy is the same, but the psychopath causes far more destruction through antisocial behavior which can be easily observed in psychopaths from the characteristics expressed below.

Psychopathy Checklist-Revised: Factors, Facets, and Items^[1]

Factor 1	Factor 2	Other items
Facet 1: Interpersonal Glibness/superficial charm Grandiose sense of self-worth Pathological lying Conning/manipulative Facet 2: Affective Lack of remorse or guilt Emotionally shallow Callous/lack of empathy Failure to accept responsibility for own actions	Facet 3: Lifestyle Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom Parasitic lifestyle Lack of realistic, long-term goals Impulsivity Irresponsibility Facet 4: Antisocial Poor behavioral controls Early behavioral problems Juvenile delinquency Revocation of conditional release Criminal versatility	Many short-term marital relationships Promiscuous sexual behavior

Compared to a control brain (top), neuroscientist James Fallon’s brain (bottom)
shows significantly decreased activity in areas of the frontal lobe linked to
empathy and morality—anatomical patterns that have been linked
with psychopathic behavior. Image via James Fallon

Another misconception about psychopaths is that they must be violent criminals or serial killers, but the fact is that there are many psycho/sociopaths surrounding us on a daily basis. I've seen the percentage of society being as low as 4% and as high as 10%.  That means that you probably know one in your life and both of you probably don't know it. You might even really like them, and that is par for the course. Because of the psychopath's superficial charm and lack of inhibition socially, he/she is usually well received socially. Despite their antisocial behaviors, they are the kings and queens of first impressions.  They can lie without compunction, which does not set off the normal red flags found in people with healthy brains attempting to lie.  Unless you found them standing over a body when you first met them, most people don't think, "What a nice psychopath".

Their true nature takes time to reveal, but just because they are a psychopath doesn't mean they are physically dominating the people around them. Neuroscientist, James Fallon was researching serial killers, when he discovered that he was a psychopath by accident. Instead of concealing the knowledge, he applied what he knew of himself to further untangling the mystery of psychopathy. His domination of others was more emotional than physical, but the signs are there.

“I’m obnoxiously competitive. I won’t let my grandchildren win games. I’m kind of an asshole, and I do jerky things that piss people off,” he says. “But while I’m aggressive, my aggression is sublimated. I’d rather beat someone in an argument than beat them up.” - James Fallon

After reading that, the percentage of psychopaths doesn't seem quite as foreign or unrealistic.  Fallon never killed or raped anyone, but it was in his blood lines. Read the full article.

In much of psychology, especially with emotional abuse, there are personalities that attract and repel each other like magnets. Codependents and Narcissists have an instantaneous gravitational pull toward each other.  Nature abhors a vacuum, and the empty parts of one attracts what appears to be filled in another.  The same holds true for psychopaths.

Empathic people are natural targets for sociopaths. - "Empaths are ordinary people who are highly perceptive and insightful and belong to the 40% of human beings who sense when something’s not right, who respond to their gut instinct ... empaths have the ability to understand their own emotions, to listen to other people and empathise with their emotions, to express emotions productively and to handle their emotions in such a way as to improve their personal power." Because of this perceptive quality, empaths are the first to detect that something is wrong, and therefore they are a threat to the sociopath's power base, nestled firmly in their dominance and manipulation of others.

Although I was not as well schooled in this before my marriage to a psychopath, I knew one of the reasons my exhusband could not let me go and attacked me was because I had figured him out. I knew when he was lying. I called him out on his crap, and he could no longer get away with things like he had at first.  His power over me was broken. His true face was revealed, and I saw through the mask of his Clark Kent persona that so many believed. To him, this was a punishable offense, because he had woven a network of lies and caught many in his glamour. If I were to point that out, it would all fall apart. His attack started out with gas lighting, and making me feel like I was crazy.  But I am not schizophrenic, I know what is real and what isn't.  So that failed.  His next onslaught was projection. He would tell others that I did to him what he did to me. He would channel all his darker impulses onto me.  He billed me as a liar to negate anything I might say about him.  In the end I felt like I was screaming into the wind and no one would listen, as he even turned my own family against me.  It wasn't until the physical evidence of the attack that people began to take me and my complaints seriously, but the lies of him and other sociopaths that I've attracted still circulate and have done horrible damage to me personally and professionally over the years.

These mean girls on TV who destroy people from the shadows are displaying psychopathic tendencies. This manipulation of others, getting intermediaries to do their work for them, is what is called the SOCIOPATH-EMPATH-APATH TRIAD

"The usual set-up goes like this: the empath is forced to make a stand on seeing the sociopath say or do something underhand. The empath challenges the sociopath, who straight away throws others off the scent and shifts the blame on to the empath. The empath becomes an object of abuse when the apath corroborates the sociopath’s perspective.

The situation usually ends badly for the empath and sometimes also for the apath, if their conscience returns to haunt them or they later become an object of abuse themselves. But, frustratingly, the sociopath often goes scot free.

Sociopaths rarely vary this tried-and-tested formula because it virtually guarantees them success.
Sociopaths draw in apaths by various means: flattery, bribery, disorienting them with lies. A sociopath will go to any lengths to win her game. "

This is the key to the sociopath's success, and while it doesn't involve rape and murder, it's a very affective way to destroy the empath socially.  Unfortunately therapy does not work on psycho/sociopaths and those who have ended up in therapy only use the knowledge to cause more damage and learn to manipulate others more effectively. It may not be as dramatic as crime drama, or as cinematic, but it's from the same destructive source, which leaves many bewildered empaths in its wake whose lives will never be the same. Although psychopaths can lead relatively normal lives with marriages and jobs, people need to be aware that running into a psychopath will not be some obvious thing.  Pathological lying, promiscuity, and multiple failed marriages are tells that often the psychopath will keep covert through information control - i.e. secrets, limiting people who one can talk to, attacking people for "talking-about-them", and diminishing the validity of naysayers.  Most of their friends will be relatively new, superficial, or over great distances, because those close to them are more likely to tire over time of mistreatment and lies.

One of the times that Hollywood got a sociopath right was in an episode of Monk. An actor killed his wife, but was playing the victim. Everyone around Monk was sucked in by the murderer, and adored him as they were bribed and invited to parties.  However Monk was onto him, the Empath, while his friends had become Apaths. He seemed the oddball for not rallying to this charismatic actor like everyone else, but he had seen that the actor was a sociopath.  Monk watched the actor lie nonchalantly while on a treadmill. The heart monitor showed no response, and Monk knew he was a sociopath.  Monk's protests were marginalized and minimized more and more.  Others turned against him and toward the charismatic liar.  But being Hollywood,  Monk obviously came out on top in the end.  But in real life, that's not always the case.  But I suppose that's the difference between reality and fiction.

"The difference between reality and fiction? 

Fiction has to make sense." - Tom Clancy

I have another blog on psychopaths with more detailed information that I collected. Read it here.

The Domineering Dependent

When we are born, we are fully and completely dependent on our parents.  While other animals like horses, learn to walk and run within hours of their birth, humans cannot.  We must be carried, fed, and cannot fend for ourselves in any way.  Everything we have comes from someone else, and the only way we can get what we need is by crying and hoping that someone comes to feed, clean, or even burp us.  As we get older and grow up, it is natural to seek out independence, which is the next step in maturity, learning to take care of ourselves.  It is easy to see that independence is a more mature and developed way in which to behave, and key to becoming a successful adult.  Ultimately though, According to Stephen Covey and the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, this is not the final step which is Interdependence, in no way the same thing as dependence (which many mix up). It is the point of maturity where you are completely responsible for yourself, but choose to join with others in cooperation to accomplish higher goals, take personal responsibility as well as social responsibility for those in your life.

However not all people reach interdependence, or independence for that matter.  They are stuck in an eternal cycle of dependence. This lack of emotional or physical independence can be the source of many personality disorders. People with Dependent Personality Disorder in many ways resemble the children they were, stuck in the past at an unchanging point of development.

"Dependent individuals avoid situations that require them to accept responsibility for themselves; they look to others to take the lead and provide continuous support. DPD judgment of others is distorted by their inclination to see others as they wish they were, rather than as they are. These individuals are fixated in the past. They maintain youthful impressions; they retain unsophisticated ideas and childlike views of the people toward whom they remain totally submissive. Individuals with DPD view strong caretakers, in particular, in an idealized manner; they believe they will be all right as long as the strong figure upon whom they depend is accessible."

These lost children in a fully mature body seek caretakers to replace the parents that they were dependent upon to avoid taking care of themselves. Often this person can be a lover and the weight of responsibility for the Dependent's physical and emotional needs fall fully on the shoulders of the caretaker.  These demands go far beyond that of a normal relationship, because the dependent person cannot take care of themselves in the most simple ways.  As opposed to someone grappling with grief or PTSD in which their ability to handle things has been damaged, the dependent person has convinced themselves they can't before they even try, and usually has someone willing to help, which ultimately enables the dependent to not change or learn to handle things on their own. Holding a crying baby is a lot harder when the baby is a fully grown human. It can suck the resources and energy of the one being leaned on, when the person leaning is actually capable of taking care of themselves, but as long as someone is willing to do it for them, they never grow, they never learn, and they never change.  This is called enabling, and the caretaker might not always be the most healthy person emotionally themselves.

A need to caretake to an extreme is one of the signs of a codependent.  Much like the dependent, the Codependent really wants someone to take care of them, but they go about it in a round about manner or are more domineering about it.  They do for others what they expect to be done for them, and if it is not done, they can fall to depression or lash out to try to get what they feel they earned.  In some ways letting the codependent assume the care-taking position is allowing them control and it begins to look a lot like being in debt to the mob.

"Codependency describes behaviors, thoughts and feelings that go beyond normal kinds of self-sacrifice or care-taking... Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent."

There is a subclass of codependents known as inverted or covert narcissists. The inverted narcissist is not the flashy Peter Pan, but his boon companion and counter-part.  Instead of the crowing and bragging of an open narcissist, the co-narcissist is more subtle in its means."

"Inverted or "covert" narcissists are people who are "intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to [their] own need to perform the requisite sacrifice"—an "inverted narcissist, who ensures that with compulsive care-giving, supplies of gratitude, love and attention will always be readily available ... [pseudo-]saintly." Vaknin considered that "the inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent... the child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality. In everyday life, the inverted narcissist "demands anonymity ... uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him ... [with] praise that cannot be deflected." Recovery means the ability to recognize the self-destructive elements in one's character structure, and to "develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself."

Narcissists too are heavily dependent on others, but their dependence is not physical, in fact they can appear very independent and often powerful which appeals to the codependent as what they aspire to be.  However the dependence of those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is of a more subtle and psychological nature.  Peter Pan needs his lost boys to make him look powerful.  In order to make a show of power, one has to have power over another.  Moreso the main quality of a narcissist is a need for narcissistic supply.  When a narcissist creates his own fiction for the world he wishes to be real, where he is the great and powerful, omnipotent Pan of Neverland, he has to have it affirmed regularly to quiet the noise within himself of reality trying to sneak in and take away Neverland where he is king. His spell only lasts so long as people are willing to believe and therefore non-belief is a punishable offense.  To avoid this, the narcissist delves into magical thinking as an excuse for his actions, also he surrounds himself with people to support those notions and give them validity.  Sycophants tell him what he wants to hear, feeding his ego that he is the person he dreams himself to be, and lashing out or rejection of those who do not support his fiction.  This is oft called the Peter Pan complex for a reason, because they are the boys who never grow up, and as we know the independence physically may not be the maturity of independence emotionally.

The theory of immaturity leading to abuse, is not a new one. It was in the literature given to me after my attack by my ex.  But the immaturity link is that stage of dependence specifically that creates these monsters.  The longer I was with my ex, the more I thought that he was an overgrown 3 year old, and after having a 3 year old, it only confirmed the notion.  The leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, was compared in the same way in a biography by one of his children, that he was less a father and more like an overgrown spoiled child that got what he wanted because he was bigger.  I'd said almost the same exact thing about my ex who seemed to follow a similar personality. In the biography, he was dependent on his wife and so demanding that she had to sneak away just to feed and care for their children.

Over the years, I had to overcome my own battle with care-taking, tipping into codependence.  I was the one to nurture the wounded, and my favorite stuffed animal was the one that was damaged and rescued from the trash. I hated the idea of those vestiges of love being discarded.  With that, I had my own issues, mainly with my authoritarian father. It's taken a lot of work and learning to overcome, and I still have tendencies that I must guard against. From stray cats to stray people I wanted to take them in and heal them, give them a chance to get on their feet, which is where I broke from normal codependence. I was trying to help people work toward their independence, getting their life together and moving on to the next stage. I did not want to care for them forever. Even parents don't want that for their children. The goal is to raise them to be responsible healthy adults both physically and mentally.  It's not to keep them dependent all their lives, but to teach them how to take care of themselves.  This is what I was trying to do, give them a leg up in a time of need, when they needed a break. I wanted for them success and growth, but more often than not, they were dependents looking for another person to leech off of before moving on to the next mark. They had no interest in every becoming self sufficient. There were a few exceptions who actually got on their feet and got out and were actually grateful for the help to recover. But most were just using up one person and then moving on to the next, always living off others without interest in getting a place of their own or moving forward with their life.  They weren't grateful but resentful when the patience and resources dried up.  Often this turned to a story of me being evil after having sacrificed MUCH to help them, and they used that pity to move in with the next mark.  One girl was so adept at burning bridges that the cycle was painfully obvious as she would last no more than 3 months before going on to the next mark.

Through helping these dependent personalities, incapable of taking responsibility for themselves, much less their actions, I started to see patterns emerge.  Emoting was the name of the game. If you've ever had a child, then you know that tears and emotions are high in children. This is no less different with their overgrown emotionally immature counterparts.  They cry and scream when they don't get what they want. They say purposefully hurtful and hateful things, whenever disciplined or held accountable. They are exceptionally moody when they are hungry or tired. They cry for many reasons that as an adult and a parent, a person should be able to reason through what is valid and what is simply a cry for attention and control.  Because make no mistake, if a child can get away with it, they will, and the same holds true for their bigger counterparts.  They learn to lie, manipulate, and use drama to control the person they want to give them something whether it's a roof over their heads or sex.  Emotions are their weapons, their tools, and they will put more energy into that than doing any form of work to further their own independence.

The inroad of overgrown children comes from playing on sympathies, which each becomes a master.  That's how they landed in your home, eating your food, using your internet, destroying your property, ignoring your rules, and basically wearing out their welcome. Most are masters of navigating the waters of emotions to get what they want.  After having my child, Morgan, I couldn't help but notice similarities in children trying to get what they want.  Crocodile tears became obvious to a mother's eyes, and so did the acts of these overgrown children.  It was the emotional drama of children, the emotional reasoning of "but I want it" or "I just don't feel like it" that garnered their control over their situation as a dependent. To stay dependent, to keep their cozy enabled life, they had to become adept in manipulating emotions.  When someone uses their preferences and feelings as a baseline for action, it makes them in charge, because there is no concrete or real reasoning to be contradicted. 

This is where I started to see another pattern emerging over several dependents, they wanted to be in charge.  They wanted to be in control, because their lives feel out of control, because THEY are out of control. They wanted to be the most important and subjugate or look down on the caretaker, while not working in a way to make forward momentum and be a valuable member of the group.  Universally they did not want any of the responsibility that came with being in charge.  You cannot be dominant and dependent at the same time.  They did not want to make money, but they wanted to have all the money and control how it was spent, usually disregarding things like bills.  And while some were aggressive if only emotionally in this way, more were likely to whine, guilt trip, or create other drama to stir up emotions so that the other person, wanting only peace would cave into their demands, much as a child will scream and cry to get something. If the parent caves, they learn that THAT is how to get what they want.  This is why it is so important as a parent to stand by your decisions and not cave, to make your Yeses always mean Yes and your Nos always mean No.

Obviously the best example is a child asking mom, and when mom says no, they run to dad who will say yes.  Kids and immature adults will go where they see results.  Although it will not create a healthy lifestyle it will attain them their immediate needs or more likely wants, as most children think anything they want is a need.  This impulsive nature is rooted in immaturity and the inability to prepare for the future or work toward long term goals.  Instead they dominate others to satisfy spontaneous desires that eat into long term goals. Like children who cannot see beyond the week, the immature dependent adult will squander what is given instead of save and work toward something that they need.  Often this can be seen in a lot of addictive personalities, who again are dependent and therefore attract care-takers.  They will spend money on drugs instead of their children, because they are not interdependently mature enough to accept social responsibility.

At the end of the day, when dealing with a domineering dependent, you have to learn to treat them like the mental children they are, because reason and logic usually will not penetrate the child-like and overly emotional mind. The most important thing is to establish boundaries, but like the parent with  No, you cannot cave, because the moment you do not hold to that boundary, you have told them that it doesn't really matter.  When you say No, mean it. When you say yes, mean it.  If you don't want to do it, then don't. Don't play games, for those too are for children.  Tell it like it is.  This does not mean flavoring it with emotions, villainizing anyone, it just means tell it like it is. "I can no longer afford to support you, you have got to get a job or move out."  "Although I like you as a person, I don't think it's wise to continue to party with you." "I need to tend to my own needs, and you need to tend to your own." Whatever boundary that you need to set, set it, and stand by it.  Don't let a dependent bleed you dry whether financially or just in exhausting your energy.  Lead by example and show them how by taking care of yourself.  

What most dependents do not comprehend is that it can be a very selfish act to always think about other people instead of yourself, because it leaves a hole in its wake for someone else to clean up.  It is selfish to not take responsibility and care for yourself, because you are unwilling to do it.  That means that the act of being dependent instantly becomes a social burden, because someone else will have to expend time, money, and energy to do it. Expecting someone else to care for you (when you are capable of caring for yourself), whether a friend, a parent, or the government is a terribly selfish and irresponsible act.  Even worse is to be dependent and want to be in charge.  If you can't take care of yourself, how are you supposed to tell other people what to do or care for someone else? If you cannot do it, then you have no authority or right to tell someone else how to do it. This can apply to family, friends, and voting.  Never accept the advice of someone who is not successful in the area which they are advising. Stop being so selfish and think about yourself - take care of yourself, take responsibility, and in the act, you will find maturity. Stop being a burden to others by not working if you can work. And then, when you can do for yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically, maybe then you have a platform to be interdependent, to work with others instead of to meddle or try to control others. One is healthy interaction and the other is toxic to everyone involved. When you truly become interdependent, you will know that most people, except a few genuine exceptions, CAN take care of themselves, and CAN make their own decisions for their lives.  Anything else is immature, and we don't need to enable the immature, but give them opportunities to further themselves at which point it is their responsibility to accept, and by accepting an opportunity with the responsibility it entails, they can't help but grow.