Hell's Kitchen

Recently a friend of mine has returned to the dating scene after ending a long marriage, and is perplexed because he is a good guy and women keep turning him down in favor of jerks.  Meanwhile he remains friends with them and hears all their woes about the bad boys, thinking wtf, I would never do that, so WHY?

Being a good person can often position you to the back burner.  This is a reference to the stove when you have multiple things on multiple burners.  The back burner is where you set the dishes that require the least amount of attention.  They may need a little stirring now and then, or simply to just be heated up.  Regardless they don't scream for your attention like the front burner dishes.  These demand your attention NOW or everything will be ruined.  Meanwhile the back burner dish sits patiently, and sometimes gets forgotten, unstirred until it's burned and ruined because it didn't get the small amount of attention it needed to turn out successful because of the demanding dishes on the front burners.

In general, the back burner is someone who is lower maintenance, they need less, but what they do need is important. However by being low maintenance and not demanding, they are the most likely to get burned in their patience.  In this you become that expendable, patient, forgiving friend who is actually the only staple one would need, but in their patience are forgotten.

Mixing metaphors, the squeaky wheel gets the oil.  So when the back burner person finally does ask for something, it seems strange and unnatural.  They've been burned waiting on the back burner, and so the cook often decides they're ruined and throws them out.  Meanwhile the front burners could be every flavor of asshole, but because they are constantly demanding, it is not as strange as a back burner asking for something.  So somehow the back burner person is labeled an asshole even if they ask for far less, and do more good.

All of this can make life into Hell's Kitchen for a back burner person.  You don't understand as you see that you actually offer more nourishment, more things that are actually needed.  Meanwhile that flashy dish up front will give the person heart burn and clog their arteries.

There are many reasons for this. It's been biologically proven that women are attracted to "danger" and often breed with the dangerous bad boys, passing on the genetics before they grow up enough to realize that's not what they really want.  Also you've got the girls trying to solve parental issues through dating someone just like the difficult parent.  Although mentally aware that's not what they want, they still "fall for" the guy just like their mom or dad because it was programmed into them from childhood that this is the complementary role to them.

To those who have resolved all this and moved passed it to an aware state, it can be a bit bewildering to watch, wondering why you are on the back burner when you have more to offer than the person causing drama.  But those people do so, because it works, at least for now, in the short term.  Eventually when those flashes in the pan are nothing but charred memories, the back burner will still be there, simmering, and offering everything needed.  Maybe they are just waiting on you to add a little spice and make it that favorite dish, the comfort food that gives the energy to keep going.  The world is full of empty calories, empty words, and empty hearts.  Take another look.  Sometimes what you need is right there in front of you, and just needs a little stirring.