Grief

Dragon Con 2004

With the blustery month of March come many memories in tandem with the changing season. It was the month in which I gave birth to my daughter, both happy and tumultuous as I spent almost a month in the hospital afterward. Although it was traumatic, eventually I got better, and got out of the hospital to enjoy my daughter, which softened the blow. But there was another event in March that stings much worse. To this day, the loss can be felt.

On March 18, 2007, I lost my best friend and one of the best people that I had ever known. If you know me, I don't let a lot of people get very close to me, but Richard was literally the closest friend I have ever had. We bonded as I have with few people in my life.

Our friendship seemed to stretch back in time, when my mother discovered in our genealogy that the Wilhites came over on the same ship as my relatives. They were betrayed by the captain who they had paid for passage, and then detoured South and sold the passengers into servitude. Hundreds of years later, Richard and I forged a friendship, having shared many strange correlations that seemed to be serendipity. We lived in Indiana at the same time. We had both been to the Philippines. Our senses of humor were so on par that we spent a lot of time feeding the flames and laughing to where the most simple task became fun when we were together. Like anyone you are close to, we had our spats, but we valued the friendship more than anything and worked to improve our relationship, becoming better friends and closer afterward.

The night he died, he had called me not more than an hour before. Previously he had moved to NC for a new job, and his life seemed to be on an upswing. Because of his heart condition and the expectation of a shortened life span, he told me that he rarely made an effort to connect to people, much less keep in contact with them, because he felt that everything was temporary. Previously there seemed no point to staying in contact and that it would ultimately protect and insulate them. However he told me that he loved me and wanted to stay connected. At the culmination of everything two people with difficulty making attachments had defied the odds and attached to each other in a unique and strong platonic friendship that became very important to both of us. Little did I know that was the last time that I would ever hear his voice.

Drawing of Richard to commemorate him.

We were playing World of Warcraft and Richard had been playing his dwarven hunter killing ooze monsters. He had told me ironically that he was tired of dying. I made some stupid joke about green ooze and mutant turtles. It was a pretty bad joke, but then he never responded. Little did I know that at that moment he had turned to say something to his room mate and died mid sentence of a stroke.

It was sudden and unexpected when the call came from Tom (his room mate). We rushed to NC, but Richard was gone by the time we got there. I was devastated by his loss. I had lost family members that I was not as upset about losing as him, because they were not close. He was one of the most important people in my life, and a part of me died with him, as did the laughter.

To pour salt in wounds, people liked to speculate that maybe more was going on, but it was simply the truest of friendships. The best of friends. He was that person who we were so in sync that we almost didn't need words. We could make silly hand motions and the other person would know what we meant. Sure it was love, but it wasn't romantic. Just like you could love a family member and it not be romantic and the loss be tragic and heart breaking.

Grief is a process, and it never really goes away, because some people in your life can never be replaced. A little part of you dies with them. You can look for someone else to fill the void, but it's not the same, especially when someone is so close as we were.

Recently some friends of mine lost family members and friends. Certain people have been callous while others are compassionate. Truly you discover who are your true friends are in times like these, and it is hard to know how to respond.  Even having lost someone so close to me, I am lost in what to do for my friends. It's not like a car that needs to go to the shop and be fixed. As Kaylee said in Firefly "Sometimes a thing is broke and can't be fixed," even when you really wish that you could.

Grief comes in stages, and people go through these stages at their own pace, sometimes revisiting one stage more than once. However people on the outside often want you to just be okay so they don't have to worry about you, and don't understand if they have not experienced such a loss. Even if they have, everyone deals with things differently and it's hard to compare one relationship to another. Some have unresolved issues that now that the person is gone, can never truly be resolved. While others may not have been as attached and seem to be unaffected.

Although Richard and I were open with our feelings and had nothing really unresolved, the sudden shock of his loss and the huge hole it left behind were tremendously difficult to cope with, and really you never get over it.  There are things in this life that get better with time, but the damage always leaves a mark, like breaking a leg. It may heal, but it will hurt when the weather is cold. Others may not heal correctly and be left with a limp. Some may break so badly that it can never heal correctly without help. If they don't seek that help, they could be lame for the rest of their life, effecting everything that they do. Although emotional pain is not as visible or easy to explain as physical pain, it works larger the same way.

The world may not stop for broken hearts, but hearts can break further if not handled correctly in such situations. Though grief is not a free pass to abuse people, if you are dealing with someone who is grieving it helps to understand and expect emotional outbursts. Anger and depression are part of the package.  This is all normal and part of the process. To expect differently may stunt the process and the ability to heal.

I still think of Richard and miss him. That never goes away, especially near his birthday and the day he died, it's hard to ignore. There is still a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I doubt that I will ever meet another that can fill his shoes. But at the end of the day, I am glad that he was in my life. I cannot imagine how dull and different my life would be had I never known him. I guess it's true that the good die young. In that case, guess it will be a long time till I see him again ;)