Male Privilege and Religion

Recently I was reading an article about Penn State and its fraternity's proliferation of revenge porn.  The article focuses on the fraternities.  It states that male privilege and organizations that promote male privilege lead to this devaluation of females.

"Intimate-partner violence is a display of power — moderated by individual character and characteristics, sure, but also incubated by cultures that privilege men."

“Male-only organizations like fraternities reinforce the idea that women are objects designed for male consumption,” said Mary Anne Franks, the legislative director at the Cyber Civil Rights Initiative. “Cases like this one make this painfully obvious.”

When I read things like this, what's not being said is screaming in the back of my head.  It's something that I've witnessed in my own family, from childhood throughout my entire life.  There's one community that has always been a source of the male privilege mentality, and that's religion.

Abrahamic based religions all stem from a similar root that from the beginning of time blames women and privileges men.  Not all are extreme enough to make a woman subhuman, but one only has to read the scripture to see a monetary value placed on women in the Old Testament that is less than a man.  God, himself is considered male and above all else, and an immature male mind takes that kind of information to put himself above all else as well.

All my life I've witnessed the "golden boy" scenario, where the first born male has special privileges not afforded to females of the same genetic makeup with the same or better capability.  But they are not treated the same.  My brother would lord it over me that he was the man of the house when my father was gone, and to him that meant he could boss me around and abuse me however he wished.  In fact it made him think he was above my mother as well, when it was just her and us kids. 

Many devout believers, even women, cling to that perception as right and holy, but I'm here to challenge it with the scripture itself and other information that I've read. 

I suppose that it is only right and proper to start at the very beginning.  Ever notice how when Eve eats the fruit that nothing happens?  That's because the covenant was not between Eve and God, but Adam and God.  That's why everything fell apart when Adam took a bite. Only THEN were both their eyes opened.  Sure Eve may have tempted Adam, but ultimately it was Adam who made the decision to break with God.  How familiar does that sound, to blame the woman for a man's lack of self control?  

Even if you still hold to the mindset that Eve is the source of all evil (even the word evil seems to have her name in it) she and Adam were equally guilty in the exact same way, being that they were both misguided by another and made a bad decision.  So why then, does Eve get all the blame? If you read it, Adam even tries to shift the blame to God by saying "the woman that YOU gave me."  It's easy for us to not stick the blame to God for that one, but as God curses Eve to desire her husband and him to rule over her, somehow people have it set that this is the way of things and how it should be. WRONG! This is what happens when things are wrong and evil reigns. It was never God's intention for that to be the ways of things.  If you follow the command to love, throughout the rest of the book, that is not the case. In fact when Jesus (not Paul selectively quoting Jesus) lays out the responsibilities for men and women, you'll find that he commands the men to do even harder things than women to submit. Not only that, but there's a lot of responsibility laid on the man. He has twice as many commands plus one over that of the women, but those get lost and swept aside, because they aren't as useful in power plays for control as telling your wife to submit. They just ignore that part about giving themselves up for her, sacrificing their ego and pride. 

The Old Testament itself, interestingly omits Asherah, the wife of God, who was apparently written out, when Israel was captured by Babylon and the Hebrew text was written down by a conquered people for the first time.  Did women once again take the blame?  History shows that many religions favored female deities during times of peace and commerce, but when war ruled the day, they turned to male deities for strength and vigor to conquer their neighbors. Constantine, who was one of the more influential people on Christianity after Jesus' time, claimed to have seen a symbol of the cross in the sky, "he saw with his own eyes in the heavens a trophy of the cross arising from the light of the sun, carrying the message, In Hoc Signo Vinces or "with this sign, you will conquer". Constantine did not become a Christian to love his neighbor like himself.  He became a Christian because he wanted to conquer his neighbor. But even with this adoption of a stronger "war deity", he took it to heart in some ways, toward women.  At the time of Constantine, Christianity was surprisingly freeing for women, when it came about.  The Romans were hideous to their wives. If a wife displeased her Roman husband she could be sold to a brothel. Violent sex crimes were treated more like damaging someone's (the husband's) property.  It was Constantine who made Christianity not only legal but the Roman religion and really improved things for women. The difference was, that this was not seen as male privilege so much as male responsibility. 

I believe that is where our male centric organizations are falling short. It's not that they deserve special treatment and women are merely objects for consumption. That's entitlement, which leads to narcissism, and narcissism leads to destructive and abusive behaviors.  It should be more like Boy Scouts, which teach stewardship, self discipline, accountability, and responsibility.  Once, men were taught to respect women, and somehow that fell by the wayside and has given way to gang misogyny with males thinking they are still "good guys" though they do atrocious things to women.  Where's the apple now for them to see the difference between good and evil?

Men and women may not be equal, as in not being the "same", but both have equal value.  Each is a piece of a bigger picture of humanity.  Our world would not function if we were all artists or all engineers, and it certainly wouldn't function with all men or all women.  Both are important. We all have our parts to play, and none of those parts is to be the victim of another. 

'Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.' - 

Albert Einstein 

Build Anyway

When I was a little girl playing with blocks, my brother delighted in destroying what I built. It didn't matter if I told on him, or he was forced to give me an insincere apology, because ultimately what I built was gone, and I would have to start over. Apologies, forgiveness, and accountability are all important responses to destruction but they do not bring back what is lost. I can forgive the man who cuts me, but I will still bleed, and possibly die. None of that negates the consequences of one destructive act.

It's easy to forget and forgive a block castle that would have to be cleaned up later anyway, but it's harder when there are things destroyed with more put into it, more time, more investment, more heart. One labor of love or life long labor is destroyed and it effects multiple facets of life, and often stems to effect other people as well. Whether it's your body, career, relationships, connections, strength, or a life in general, there will always be people who delight in destroying or tearing down what you have worked hard to build. And it's more insidious when the destruction is on the inside, where people can deny damage was done at all.

Regardless of what it is, the destroyer's mentality is little more than the child, who thinks he's better because he is bigger or older or more entitled to something than you. Somehow, in his immature mind, that gives him the right to delight in hurting you.

When I went through my ordeal and was given a handful of pamphlets on abuse, by victim services, one of the things cited was that abuse is a byproduct of immaturity. In some ways it's more complex than that, but in essence it is the same mentality. Kids learn from an early age how to get what they want, and as long as no one corrects them, parents give in, or they don't have the discipline or motivation to grow beyond it, they just invest their energy into developing those techniques of abuse instead of healthy behaviors. With that, they continue thinking they are beyond the reproach of authority figures, which expands over time to thinking they are immune to or above the law. It doesn't help when statistically only around 1% of crimes ever make it through the court system to actual prosecution. Most are just covered by insurance, and cops have either bigger fish to fry or more profitable ventures, like ticketing speeders, or which is the case with sexual assault, only about 10% of the crimes are reported.  This lack of accountability through prosecution, feeds the mentality of being above the law.

My mother told me of a young boy when she was growing up. His parents were both psychologists who believed in only loving and supporting him, never disciplining their son. They supported every decision he made, even the dangerous ones like riding his tricycle in nothing but a diaper near the rims (rimrock is basically a plateau with about a 300 ft drop in Montana). This boy eventually grew up in this "ever positive" environment... and what happened? Eventually someone said "NO" to him and he could not handle it. The result was that he ended up in jail. The parents didn't understand, and still only offered him their love and support. The problem is that they thought that love and support are one in the same. That saying "No" was not love. But how can you teach one to deal with the boundaries of others if they have no boundaries? They never grow up, or learn to cope with the world. And these overgrown children cannot handle not getting their way, so they act out, like children do, but with dangerous, full grown bodies capable of far more damage.

Eventually my brother grew up and out of most of those bad behaviors, by experiencing the consequences of them, he learned better. He matured, but the older I get, the more I realize that some people reach a certain age and just stop growing. And the longer they hold onto that immaturity the harder it is for them to let go of it. Seems like the older the bully, the better they are at bullying and the less likely they are to change.

Despite all the bullies out there ready to "knock your block off" the only real weapon against them is to keep building and surround yourself with creators instead of destroyers. I feel like I am constantly rebuilding instead of adding to what is built. But what's the alternative? Stop learning and growing?

And I have this to say about rebuilding... from each one that falls, if you pay attention, something can be learned and you can build it better than before. Learning to build more efficiently with less resources builds creativity, and that's something that can't be taken away.

Southern Gentleman, a Dying Breed

This morning, I was thinking that I have met very few "Southern Gentlemen" (they are still out there). I've met gentlemen. I've met Southerners, being in the South, but the Southern Gentleman, which at one point was a defining point of the South, seems a dying breed.

I've met many a redneck trying to pass themselves off as a Southern Gentlemen, but were only truly respectful when they thought it would get them what they wanted. It's a lot like Cartman on South Park, sweet talking his mom when he wanted something, being a horrible person the rest of the time. To them it is all an act, often to get in someone's pants, that fades quickly once they get what they want. Soon they devolve into seriously crude and often very misogynistic individuals, seemingly ticked to have been "forced to act a certain way" though they chose to play a part that was a lie.

There is a big difference between someone who actually has respect and those who feign it for short term social gain. Those who have respect inside them demonstrate that respect as an outward projection of their inner selves. Those who feign for gain, can't wait to drop the mask and cannot grasp actual respect, because they see it as a performance instead of a core part of their own being. Many may delude themselves into thinking they have respect, but the truth always shows itself in little unconscious ways and passive power plays. All of which are the antithesis of what a true Southern Gentleman is supposed to be. In fact, Robert E. Lee, who epitomizes much of what we consider the classic Southern Gentleman , defines it as someone who restrains them-self with self control and respect for others, especially when in a position of power. It is a cruel corruption of its original intent to use it as a means for manipulation.

Definition of a Gentleman
Robert. Edward Lee

The forbearing use of power does not only form a touchstone, but the manner in which an individual enjoys certain advantages over others is a test of a true gentleman.

The power which the strong have over the weak, the employer over the employed, the educated over the unlettered, the experienced over the confiding, even the clever over the silly--the forbearing or inoffensive use of all this power or authority, or a total abstinence from it when the case admits it, will show the gentleman in a plain light

The gentleman does not needlessly and unnecessarily remind an offender of a wrong he may have committed against him. He cannot only forgive, he can forget; and he strives for that nobleness of self and mildness of character which impart sufficient strength to let the past be but the past. A true man of honor feels humbled himself when he cannot help humbling others.

Though Lee was far from perfect (we're all human), and a byproduct of his own day, it is not a reason to throw out all the wisdom that the man possessed. He had many powerful points that still hold true today, while the ones that don't are fairly obvious.

Today we have a culture that thinks only of the venire. Somehow putting on a suit and tie, while brandishing a huge ego that deigns to open a door now and again, is what passes for the modern definition of gentleman, Southern or not. But a gentleman is a noble heart first and foremost, possessed of humility and strength of character. This is something that is developed through work on one's self, and much harder to achieve than fancy clothes and an act. At the core of the matter, this is why true gentleman are so rare these days. Few want to tackle the self discipline it takes to become a man of honor instead of ego. But when you find one, you will not recognize a gentleman by how they look or how they speak. It will be evident in the consistent demonstration of integrity, character, and self restraint. The world needs more of them.

Quality Takes Time

Quality takes time. Over time I have become a slower artist than I used to be, but I am also a better artist than I used to be. I've worked hard to grow my talents, and as they grow, I see things that I didn't see before. I pick up the things I missed, and with every new work, I learn more and grow more.

This is one reason why I started posting pics online as I work on them. Sometimes 4 hours of work creates very subtle differences, as I focus on one color or highlights. Inevitably my husband will ask me "is it done?", and I will answer "no". He will say "it looks done to me. It's done enough for what you are getting paid." But quality takes time and I don't want to sign my name to it if it's not quality. There have been deadlines I've powered through to get done in time, and it shows, in a bad way. If it's meant to be quick and sketchy like storyboards, that's different. It's meant to be quick and tell a story in small frames and it's an art unto itself. However Leonardo da Vinci took 10 years to finish the last supper. A masterpiece takes time. 

"You can have it fast, cheap, or good ... but you can't have all three at the same time."

I fear that our "I want it now" society of fast food and shows on demand has lost sight of what it takes to make something of quality, because to them, they just get what they ask for and never see the prep work that went into making it happen. Unless it's in their face, they don't think it's happening. They think because they don't see you working, that you aren't working. This seems to especially apply when you are self employed and your work days are very different from the norm. Even though they've never done anything like it themselves and have no concept of the amount of work it entails, if they don't see it happening, then it doesn't exist to them. In similar fashion this same mentality of "I want it and it appears", doesn't seem to grasp working toward goals. They see success and wealth and are jealous. Instead of thinking "how did they do that?", they think that the person is just lucky, because they don't see the sacrifice and tears that came before the success. It is fundamentally short sighted.

All this is to say that anything in life that is quality takes time to make it that way. Relationships don't just happen and are perfect, they require time and work. If that isn't there, you're going to end up with poor quality, even if it started out great. All these talents that you see in other people and admire, they rarely just happen. Often they are a byproduct of a lot of work, trying and failing, lots of frustrated sketches in the trash bin, and full sketch books dating back years. Other talented people take years of training, research, and work to break boards, pirouette, write a novel, put together an event, fix a car, perform in film, or make anything that can be considered quality. 

Too many people today want a short cut, and want it now. They don't want to hear that there is no short cut, only hard work. Look at George RR Martin who has been writing the Song of Ice and Fire series since the 90s. Now that it's become a hit show, people demand the next book NOW, to the point that the actor who plays John Snow spoke out against the harassment the writer is now receiving. Those first books that everyone loves now, have been around for years and were made with all the quality that makes us fans. And suddenly he is being pushed to write faster than he ever has before, while he's added show consultant to his job load, which can only extend the time to make another book. 

"George R.R. Martin is not your bitch!"

Yeah, it's work, but when it's your passion, most artisans and creative people are workaholics concerning that passion. There's really very little else they would rather do, and are rarely happy when prevented from pursuing it. So the extra work is welcome because it's what we love! Perhaps as kids writing fanfic, it doesn't seem like work or practice writing, but it is. Just because it's fun doesn't mean it's not work or practice. With every new work, there's an opportunity to learn and grow and try something new. Every failure is a learning experience and an opportunity to start new or change your approach. It's a chance to make something better and have something better, when so much is expendable in the "want it now" society. And it's that passion for creating that creates the things we love. It applies to life on many levels. That happy couple in their 60s is the byproduct of lots of work over lots of years. People build careers, skills, relationships, and talents one step at a time. No one starts at the top, not even "naturals". 

Ultimately, I think that old adage of "anything worth having is worth waiting for" is wrong. "Anything worth having is worth working for" ... and quality takes time!