Build Anyway

When I was a little girl playing with blocks, my brother delighted in destroying what I built. It didn't matter if I told on him, or he was forced to give me an insincere apology, because ultimately what I built was gone, and I would have to start over. Apologies, forgiveness, and accountability are all important responses to destruction but they do not bring back what is lost. I can forgive the man who cuts me, but I will still bleed, and possibly die. None of that negates the consequences of one destructive act.

It's easy to forget and forgive a block castle that would have to be cleaned up later anyway, but it's harder when there are things destroyed with more put into it, more time, more investment, more heart. One labor of love or life long labor is destroyed and it effects multiple facets of life, and often stems to effect other people as well. Whether it's your body, career, relationships, connections, strength, or a life in general, there will always be people who delight in destroying or tearing down what you have worked hard to build. And it's more insidious when the destruction is on the inside, where people can deny damage was done at all.

Regardless of what it is, the destroyer's mentality is little more than the child, who thinks he's better because he is bigger or older or more entitled to something than you. Somehow, in his immature mind, that gives him the right to delight in hurting you.

When I went through my ordeal and was given a handful of pamphlets on abuse, by victim services, one of the things cited was that abuse is a byproduct of immaturity. In some ways it's more complex than that, but in essence it is the same mentality. Kids learn from an early age how to get what they want, and as long as no one corrects them, parents give in, or they don't have the discipline or motivation to grow beyond it, they just invest their energy into developing those techniques of abuse instead of healthy behaviors. With that, they continue thinking they are beyond the reproach of authority figures, which expands over time to thinking they are immune to or above the law. It doesn't help when statistically only around 1% of crimes ever make it through the court system to actual prosecution. Most are just covered by insurance, and cops have either bigger fish to fry or more profitable ventures, like ticketing speeders, or which is the case with sexual assault, only about 10% of the crimes are reported.  This lack of accountability through prosecution, feeds the mentality of being above the law.

My mother told me of a young boy when she was growing up. His parents were both psychologists who believed in only loving and supporting him, never disciplining their son. They supported every decision he made, even the dangerous ones like riding his tricycle in nothing but a diaper near the rims (rimrock is basically a plateau with about a 300 ft drop in Montana). This boy eventually grew up in this "ever positive" environment... and what happened? Eventually someone said "NO" to him and he could not handle it. The result was that he ended up in jail. The parents didn't understand, and still only offered him their love and support. The problem is that they thought that love and support are one in the same. That saying "No" was not love. But how can you teach one to deal with the boundaries of others if they have no boundaries? They never grow up, or learn to cope with the world. And these overgrown children cannot handle not getting their way, so they act out, like children do, but with dangerous, full grown bodies capable of far more damage.

Eventually my brother grew up and out of most of those bad behaviors, by experiencing the consequences of them, he learned better. He matured, but the older I get, the more I realize that some people reach a certain age and just stop growing. And the longer they hold onto that immaturity the harder it is for them to let go of it. Seems like the older the bully, the better they are at bullying and the less likely they are to change.

Despite all the bullies out there ready to "knock your block off" the only real weapon against them is to keep building and surround yourself with creators instead of destroyers. I feel like I am constantly rebuilding instead of adding to what is built. But what's the alternative? Stop learning and growing?

And I have this to say about rebuilding... from each one that falls, if you pay attention, something can be learned and you can build it better than before. Learning to build more efficiently with less resources builds creativity, and that's something that can't be taken away.