10 Things I've Noticed about Emotionally Abusive People

Here are things I've noticed about the problem (emotionally abusive) people in my life. I don't know if they all have the same personality disorders, but it makes me leery of these traits. It's not that any of these are horrible on their own, but combined seem to make trouble for me personally.

1. Very enthusiastically friendly and charming on first meeting. 
It's almost like walking into someone's house with an undisciplined dog. They are in your face and you will like them. It can cause a feeling like you are being glamoured, like they want something, or you feel like a wall goes up instinctively as if they are forcing an impression on you. Kinda like a car salesman, but they're selling themselves. There ARE kind, happy people you meet that are interested in you, but this feels different, because they are making themselves the main focus.

2. Obsessive phone callers.
This is why I hate talking on the phone unless necessary. When I tried to leave my ex-husband, he literally called me every 15 minutes. Every single problem person would call for something that could be handled in one sentence in an email, and consume your time talking about themselves. Someone calls you on the phone, it interrupts life, while messages wait till you're ready to respond. It's a way of demanding attention, and these obsessive callers are always miffed when people don't answer. One commented that they could see people commenting on Facebook and how dare they not respond. When I put my foot down with one in chat who was telling me my own mind, and I told her she was wrong, she called for 2 hours lamenting how mean I was for that and how horrible. I never got a word in edgewise, so I put the phone down and walked away... she never stopped talking.  The thing with phones is that you have no record of what was said  unless recording it, which most people don't, so they can say whatever they like off record and there's no proof. The same people will display a completely different personality in text for this very reason. They use excuses like "you can't understand the tone", etc... which is not something I have really seen to be the case, except by people who read things into text that isn't there.

3. Controls the conversation.
Even when the conversation is about someone else, they tend to make it somehow about themselves. When angered, it's hard to get a word in edgewise. They tend to be controlling in general, and by controlling the conversation it can never go where they don't want it. When I would meet my ex-husband for lunch, he would talk about himself, usually while he was eating all my french fries and exclaiming how bad they are, and the moment I started to speak, he would decide it was time to go.

4. Is a snob.
"This is the way it's done", "You don't understand because this is the way it works", or "I know what I'm talking about (and you don't)".  What they like is what's right, and what others like isn't. Everyone does this to a certain extent. We all have our preferences. But they will speak like their preference and agenda is the only way to go and look down on others for not going along with it... even if they have very good reasons.  Because that's the principle of it, an excuse to look down on others.

5. They are extremely sensitive to feelings, unless they're yours.
My ex-husband would claim to be a feminist and criticize the husband of one woman who was obviously controlled by her husband, and yet was the same to me. But if I dared to fight back, I was mean and horrible. With all these similar people, they did not seem to have any guilt about hurting my feelings, but if I stepped a toe out of line in any way that displeased them in the least, there was drama to pay. While I was expected to tolerate unreasonable behavior, they were allowed to do whatever. Any feigned interest in my feelings was used to spin it to make them look caring in the midst of them railing against being called out. One used other people's circumstances to garner sympathy and attention for herself by displaying how much she "cared". When at the heart of it, she cared about what she got out of it.


6. They hate to be ignored and have to be the center of attention.
I was watching Riverdance with my ex and said something about how I liked the dancing and wished I could take it. "I can do that" he proclaimed like a 5 year old and proceeded to get up and dance like an idiot who didn't know what he was doing, because he didn't. It was a moment of "hey look at me." Another was visibly put out when someone gave me a sincere compliment even though she complimented me, but it was insincere flattery and she wanted the attention. One threw such a fit when I got hit on more than her that she sold her Renfest costume, because she was obviously prettier and smarter than me and was pissed when reality didn't support her assertions. Which leads us to...

7. They are jealous.
My ex-husband was so jealous that he hated people who had more than him. He didn't want me even being friends with other guys and tormented me if I was. Another was terribly jealous of another woman out of fear that she might be prettier than her, because that's how she manipulated people into giving her what she wanted. This jealousy usually manifested in severe criticism of the other person but not for actual wrongs, hunting for reasons to dislike someone and then trying to diminish them to make themselves look better.

8. Making themselves seem much bigger and more important than they actually are.
I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm not that important. It rather worries me when people compliment me, because of the insincere flattery and the setting on a pedestal to tear me down. These people do not have that problem and are all too eager to tell you how big and bad they are, even if when it's time to put their money where their mouth is,  and they can't. One seemed far more successful because her gentleman caller had given her lots of equipment. The guys tended to do martial arts moves to seem more knowledgeable or intimidating than they were. One told me how smart she was and was mad that in this house with Trenton, she was far from the top of the list. She was mad that I beat her constantly at board games. Another girl told me she was so much better than me as an artist and fencer, meanwhile I beat her in tournaments and was offered art deals when she wasn't. It didn't mean she was bad, but she just was not as good as she touted. I perceived us to be on the same level, but she could not have that.

9. Professing to be deep, but being shallow.
For all I've been told by these people how spiritual or what not they were... it was hard to ascertain a spirituality that was more than them getting what they want... They seemed very focused on the physical and being perceived as physically attractive. Now I confess, I was there too. I pretty much had affirmed to me in my youth, by my misogynistic upbringing, that it was the only thing that made me worth anything to men. And I darn near killed myself trying to be perfect. These people however already felt they were perfect and entitled to admiration, and it was other people's bodies that had to live up to what they wanted, not their own. This was marked by comments on other people's bodies like "she shouldn't be wearing that", "eating all that mayo is why your kid is fat", and other comments that degraded people based on their bodies. Or they projected their own shallowness onto others. When I left one boyfriend because he was a lazy butt who would not get a job and wanted to live off me and my parents, in his shallow brain (that only looked at me like a pretty prize), it was because he wasn't as thin or built as Trenton. When he showed up all buff at my booth like I was going to ditch Trenton and go back to him, I lit into him because he had documents from my company that I needed and he would not give back. Ultimately I had to threaten him with legal action to get him to comply because my needs were not important and he disregarded what I had to say. It took him off guard that looks wasn't what I was interested in at all. I noticed and it made me madder that he projected his own shallowness onto me. We had broken up before and my best friend Richard, when he first met me, had been asked to help us get back together at a gaming group by my ex-boyfriend. When Richard met me, he realized this was not the dim bimbo that had been described. Something Richard could see that I was not on first meeting, but my ex-boyfriend could not see after years.

10. They make you wait.

Part of not having respect for you, is wasting your time. I would go to meet my ex-husband at work for lunch and he would make me wait, sometimes for hours, but the moment I talked to someone, he would up and be ready to go right then, proving he could have left, but he chose not to. Others tended to call and tell me they were leaving at the time they were supposed to be there. They were always late by an hour or two, and it wasn't an occasional, I honest to goodness got stuck in traffic, but a pattern. Meanwhile the same people would be mad if you did not respond quickly to them when they were ready. Or sometimes making me cut out hours of my day for something, when I really didn't need to be involved.

All of this combined makes people who are self centered. They often did other worse things that they have in common, but I wanted to focus on things that were common interactions. Not everyone gets to the intimate level with these people to get into the really abusive natures. But these are the things that an acquaintance might pick up on interacting with them, before getting involved and getting hurt. Again, one of these things by itself is not so bad, but if it sounds like a checklist for someone, then you might want to keep your eyes open and your boundaries firm.

Edit:
Just so you know that I'm not blowing smoke. I do attract narcissists, but extreme egotism is also central to psychopaths as well (usually diagnosed Antisocial - the lack of guilt being the main tell for them ). I left out the lying and such for antisocial personality disorder, because they didn't all fit it, even if many did. Some just lied to themselves a lot. But these were common behaviors across all the abusers I've had. At least one definitely had severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one was a true hard core psychopath (the ex-husband who kidnapped and raped me), and a few were diagnosed with Dissociative, which I question as that often takes several years to diagnose, usually committed in a mental facility. One of them I believe because he did check out often, even if he had some narcissistic traits. But one is incredibly manipulative and fit borderline/antisocial far more, probably manipulating her therapist like everyone else for something more dramatic. The rest also fit in the dramatic personality disorder category on some level. Regardless there were some things that fit most of them and seemed to be universal tells that something is off that stretched across the board.

Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)
Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, lack of empathy, bloated self-image, manipulative and impulsive behavior.

Borderline personality disorder: pervasive pattern of instability in relationships, self-image, identity, behavior and affects often leading to self-harm and impulsivity.

Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive pattern of attention-seeking behavior and excessive emotions.

Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

Two Wolves

Recently a woman was beat to death in Cherokee County in a fit of domestic violence. This is why I keep talking about this, keep presenting it, because it is real and present in our world. At its core is emotional abuse, which escalates into physical abuse. I will continue to try to educate myself and others, so we can fight this. It's an insidious problem that creeps up, even when you think you have a handle on it.

The difference between insanity and evil is that insanity doesn't know what they are doing is wrong. They don't understand good and evil. They are pitiable creatures who walk over others obliviously, lost in their own world. Their brains literally cannot function normally. However more often than not, those who mistreat others seemingly unconsciously, do realize what they are doing, because it's how they have always maintained control and taken from others to amplify themselves. Because at the end of the day, they are parasites, takers, users, who know how to manipulate others to get their way. In fact they often pride themselves on it. Everything is fluid for the abuser and ever changing, including themselves (often depending on who they are around and want to influence), and they are the one in charge of which way the chaos turns. The only constant is that they are the one who is always right, the victim, and in charge. No matter what they have done to incur the wrath of another with their behaviors, if the other makes a stand, the abuser will turn it to make themselves the victim, gas-lighting, blame shifting, excuses, threats, anything to manipulate things in their favor and not address or confess to the issues caused by their abusive/unhealthy behavior. This constantly keeping things off balance is not only unstable, but makes it hard for the victim to gain a foothold. It's all at the whim of the abuser.

These are learned tactics that have gotten the abuser their way in the past with people often too polite to say anything or get a word in edgewise while they are bulldozed over. What makes these behaviors evil is that they are by design with only the thought of the abuser's gain in mind. It's about control. Secrets, editing what the victim says, making the rules of interaction, etc., all of these are taking over by inches, and slowly tighten the noose. It happens slowly lest the victim get wise and leave. Though the heart of the abuser might in fact be good, their choice to abuse over and over can overshadow that, when it is a core component of their personality. The good heart keeps the victim hoping, but the only thing the victim will attain in this relationship is more emotional abuse. After all, what incentive does the abuser have to change, when they are getting what they want? Leaving is often the answer, however, it also comes with its own dangers. This is where you see stalking, using others to intervene (because they are excellent manipulators), preying on sympathies of others or the victim, or sometimes outright attempting to destroy the other in some facet. This is more than just talking to friends about issues, which is a healthy reaction to loss and damage, but has an underlying goal of regaining control or damaging the other person, under the guise of resolution. Often it comes with the mantra "If I could just talk to them", because if they can talk, they can manipulate, and maybe gain some control. This is because the abuser has never been good at boundaries to begin with, and when a victim leaves, it sets a boundary, a boundary that an abuser will often ignore just like the others.

When you are with a manipulative abuser it's almost like being glamoured, things seem to make sense when you are with them and then when you think about it later, things don't add up. Things will fall apart because they were done the abuser's way, and the abuser will always have an excuse irrelevant to the direct consequences of their choice, such as, well that's just how these things work. Or blame it on the victim that they just don't understand. It's part of the failure to accept consequences.

Abusers and manipulators can be impressively talented people with keen minds. They have to have sharp minds to keep track of their chaos, because no one else can. And often they just have a goal and barrel through to it. But their tunnel vision can leave wreckage in their wake. However because they are so good at manipulating people, there's always someone else there in the wings, eager to accept what the abuser says and take on the role left open by the leaving victim. But while the abuser is good at pulling people in, they often aren't good at keeping them.  They can play the part for a while, but while most people love them at first, eventually even the most tolerant weary of the behavior. This is marked by a high turn over rate in their love life, friendships, work, or room mates. Only the most patient of people stick it out long term, either because they are soundly fooled, or are aware and have learned to manage it.

Everyone blows up now and then. Everyone has moods and bad days. Some people sincerely just clash. This is not emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a consistent prevalent pattern across multiple relationships through the years. It's a cycle marked with red flags, because this is how they have learned to cope with the world. More often than not, smart children learn how to manipulate parents to get what they want and just never stop, or they have never had a good role model for healthy relationships and are simply acting out what they grew up with. Much of abuse comes from immaturity. So much of who we are is genetic and programming from our families, but even with all that programming, at some point you have a choice.  Even if you have a personality disorder, you have a choice whether or not to accept it as something you need to work on, or deny it and hide it from others.  Abusive Personality disorders run a gamut from Narcissism's entitlement and ego to Antisocial Personality Disorder marked by deceitfulness, irresponsibility, impulsiveness/ failure to plan, and lack of remorse. At some point if people are telling you the same things, eventually a healthy person will ask, maybe it's me? Maybe they're right? ... but that won't happen with a narcissist or an abuser. They'll rewrite history to be the victim or some personality disorders will cause holes in memories, even forgetting things in certain states.

So here's your call to action. If any of this sounds familiar, then seek help, even if it's just talking to a close friend or family member. Talk to people. Speak out, because abusers thrive in the silence of their victims. If you think maybe you might be abusing, then do some soul searching. Abusers are usually the last to seek psychological help, and when they do, they are too busy manipulating their image to the therapist to be able to get actual help. The only person who can change an abuser is themselves. Be honest with yourself and others, talk to friends who will be honest with you and tell you hard truths. Let it hurt and listen. Be more aware of what and why you do things. What are your motivations? Could those motivations be riding rough shod over someone else? Work on your empathy, which may be less than you think. All the social problems in the world start within the heart of the individual, and only the individual can control how that is expressed. It's like learning another language, a truer language to learn to be healthy. Sometimes feelings don't have the words or are hard to express, and people without experience may do it as they learned when they were young or have always done, when it doesn't actually apply. All you can do is be the best person you can be, and aim to be as healthy as you can, surround yourself with healthy people, and try to overcome. Because we are all 2 wolves...

One evening, an elderly Cherokee Brave told is grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed."