Two Wolves

Recently a woman was beat to death in Cherokee County in a fit of domestic violence. This is why I keep talking about this, keep presenting it, because it is real and present in our world. At its core is emotional abuse, which escalates into physical abuse. I will continue to try to educate myself and others, so we can fight this. It's an insidious problem that creeps up, even when you think you have a handle on it.

The difference between insanity and evil is that insanity doesn't know what they are doing is wrong. They don't understand good and evil. They are pitiable creatures who walk over others obliviously, lost in their own world. Their brains literally cannot function normally. However more often than not, those who mistreat others seemingly unconsciously, do realize what they are doing, because it's how they have always maintained control and taken from others to amplify themselves. Because at the end of the day, they are parasites, takers, users, who know how to manipulate others to get their way. In fact they often pride themselves on it. Everything is fluid for the abuser and ever changing, including themselves (often depending on who they are around and want to influence), and they are the one in charge of which way the chaos turns. The only constant is that they are the one who is always right, the victim, and in charge. No matter what they have done to incur the wrath of another with their behaviors, if the other makes a stand, the abuser will turn it to make themselves the victim, gas-lighting, blame shifting, excuses, threats, anything to manipulate things in their favor and not address or confess to the issues caused by their abusive/unhealthy behavior. This constantly keeping things off balance is not only unstable, but makes it hard for the victim to gain a foothold. It's all at the whim of the abuser.

These are learned tactics that have gotten the abuser their way in the past with people often too polite to say anything or get a word in edgewise while they are bulldozed over. What makes these behaviors evil is that they are by design with only the thought of the abuser's gain in mind. It's about control. Secrets, editing what the victim says, making the rules of interaction, etc., all of these are taking over by inches, and slowly tighten the noose. It happens slowly lest the victim get wise and leave. Though the heart of the abuser might in fact be good, their choice to abuse over and over can overshadow that, when it is a core component of their personality. The good heart keeps the victim hoping, but the only thing the victim will attain in this relationship is more emotional abuse. After all, what incentive does the abuser have to change, when they are getting what they want? Leaving is often the answer, however, it also comes with its own dangers. This is where you see stalking, using others to intervene (because they are excellent manipulators), preying on sympathies of others or the victim, or sometimes outright attempting to destroy the other in some facet. This is more than just talking to friends about issues, which is a healthy reaction to loss and damage, but has an underlying goal of regaining control or damaging the other person, under the guise of resolution. Often it comes with the mantra "If I could just talk to them", because if they can talk, they can manipulate, and maybe gain some control. This is because the abuser has never been good at boundaries to begin with, and when a victim leaves, it sets a boundary, a boundary that an abuser will often ignore just like the others.

When you are with a manipulative abuser it's almost like being glamoured, things seem to make sense when you are with them and then when you think about it later, things don't add up. Things will fall apart because they were done the abuser's way, and the abuser will always have an excuse irrelevant to the direct consequences of their choice, such as, well that's just how these things work. Or blame it on the victim that they just don't understand. It's part of the failure to accept consequences.

Abusers and manipulators can be impressively talented people with keen minds. They have to have sharp minds to keep track of their chaos, because no one else can. And often they just have a goal and barrel through to it. But their tunnel vision can leave wreckage in their wake. However because they are so good at manipulating people, there's always someone else there in the wings, eager to accept what the abuser says and take on the role left open by the leaving victim. But while the abuser is good at pulling people in, they often aren't good at keeping them.  They can play the part for a while, but while most people love them at first, eventually even the most tolerant weary of the behavior. This is marked by a high turn over rate in their love life, friendships, work, or room mates. Only the most patient of people stick it out long term, either because they are soundly fooled, or are aware and have learned to manage it.

Everyone blows up now and then. Everyone has moods and bad days. Some people sincerely just clash. This is not emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a consistent prevalent pattern across multiple relationships through the years. It's a cycle marked with red flags, because this is how they have learned to cope with the world. More often than not, smart children learn how to manipulate parents to get what they want and just never stop, or they have never had a good role model for healthy relationships and are simply acting out what they grew up with. Much of abuse comes from immaturity. So much of who we are is genetic and programming from our families, but even with all that programming, at some point you have a choice.  Even if you have a personality disorder, you have a choice whether or not to accept it as something you need to work on, or deny it and hide it from others.  Abusive Personality disorders run a gamut from Narcissism's entitlement and ego to Antisocial Personality Disorder marked by deceitfulness, irresponsibility, impulsiveness/ failure to plan, and lack of remorse. At some point if people are telling you the same things, eventually a healthy person will ask, maybe it's me? Maybe they're right? ... but that won't happen with a narcissist or an abuser. They'll rewrite history to be the victim or some personality disorders will cause holes in memories, even forgetting things in certain states.

So here's your call to action. If any of this sounds familiar, then seek help, even if it's just talking to a close friend or family member. Talk to people. Speak out, because abusers thrive in the silence of their victims. If you think maybe you might be abusing, then do some soul searching. Abusers are usually the last to seek psychological help, and when they do, they are too busy manipulating their image to the therapist to be able to get actual help. The only person who can change an abuser is themselves. Be honest with yourself and others, talk to friends who will be honest with you and tell you hard truths. Let it hurt and listen. Be more aware of what and why you do things. What are your motivations? Could those motivations be riding rough shod over someone else? Work on your empathy, which may be less than you think. All the social problems in the world start within the heart of the individual, and only the individual can control how that is expressed. It's like learning another language, a truer language to learn to be healthy. Sometimes feelings don't have the words or are hard to express, and people without experience may do it as they learned when they were young or have always done, when it doesn't actually apply. All you can do is be the best person you can be, and aim to be as healthy as you can, surround yourself with healthy people, and try to overcome. Because we are all 2 wolves...

One evening, an elderly Cherokee Brave told is grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed."