This NEEDS to be a Thing...

In 2001 I was kidnapped and raped by my ex-husband who has served a "life sentence" for the crime, but what people don't understand is that "life in prison" means about 12 years, which means that this year he will be released back into the general population in October.

Now this has me in a general state of OMFG, because although I have taken measures to increase security... I really have nothing to protect me but an admonition from the court, and well, if a criminal were keen on following those type things, they would not be a criminals in the first place.  

So here's the thing that should be a THING, and all the groundwork is already laid out for this.  The technology wasn't there when he was prosecuted, but it's there now, and it's time that the justice system caught up with the times.

Right now my iphone alerts me to impending tornados, amber alerts, and other things, so why then can there not be a gps tracker implanted in released felons, and then have victim protection software that notifies you when they are close, giving the victim a heads up to vacate the area, avoiding any potential opportunity for violence.  Makes sense.  It's only for people who have already committed violent crimes, so it's not a tracking of the general populace, just violent criminals, just those who have proven to be threats.  Obviously it won't protect against those who have no record, but there are the usual suspects.  If nothing else it would be peace of mind for those in a similar situation to mind.  If the government really wants a Victim Protection Act, then this is the way to go about it.

As violent sex offenders are more likely to repeat offend than any other form of criminal, it would be a way for law enforcement to GPS local felons when they visit a crime scene and track whether or not a convicted and released felon were in the area at the time of the crime. Think how many return to the scene of the crime, how many cold cases could be solved, and how many repeat victims could be saved additional trauma from a vengeful felon.

Right now we have a violent sex offender list where the offenders have to register where they live, and can't live close to schools.  However the monitoring on this must be lax, because we have seen this not matter much, being that we live near a couple schools.  If violent sex offenders were also tagged, you could be on the playground and get a warning that there was one in the area, and reduce risks to your kids.  Schools could have alerts to let them know these people were on school grounds and send security to handle it.  Perhaps even limiting school shootings.

When it comes down to it, I am probably more worried about my attacker coming after my daughter than me, and if schools had such a setup, alerting them if my attacker were nearby, I know that I would have far more peace of mind dropping her off at school and not worrying that might show and try to snatch her.

With the prevalence of domestic abuse in the US, I know that I am not alone in this situation.  I know there are other women who have suffered similar situations, and could benefit from such a program.  I know that these resources would be very valuable to law enforcement in crime prevention and solving.

The only thing is that the legislation needs to be passed and implemented.   For all my tax dollars being used on things I don't want, it would be nice if they would spend them on a program that would benefit victims of violent crimes.

Extremism

I consider myself a realist, and I consider balance to be of utmost importance to maintaining a realistic approach to things. To pessimists I may sound like an optimist and to optimists I may sound like a pessimist, because I aim to temper claims with a realistic perspective and avoid extremist notions. Likewise, democrats often think I'm conservative, and republicans think I'm liberal, because THEIR beliefs are extreme, they often attribute a corresponding extreme to me, which is just not the case.

Balance is therefore very important in looking at things realistically and rationally. This is why people who are mentally ill are often called unstable or unbalanced. Their perceptions are skewed to some extreme, which prevents them from seeing things as they truly are. People like to view things as all good or all evil, but in the end they are just people, and everyone is a mix of both. Although the divine forces of the universe may achieve perfect blacks and whites, we are mortals prone to greys. Good people can mess up every now and then and make bad choices, but that does not make them wholly bad. Similarly bad people might do something good, but that does not make them good, especially if that good deed is meant to control someone. This is why I like the concept of the yin yang. There's a little bit of good in all evil and a little bit of evil in all good.

To me, the straight and narrow is less like a path and more like a tightrope walker holding a beam with a bucket on each end of the pole. Meanwhile the world dumps things into your buckets everyday, and you choose what to take out and leave in the buckets. It doesn't really matter which side gets too heavy, because either side will throw you off balance and topple you into the abyss. Therefore it is obsession and extremism, which can so easily spill you into the darkness. The moment that one side gets too heavy you start to lean in that direction, more and more until balance is overwhelmed and you fall.
As I've said before, you can not have sex and still be obsessed with it, by worrying about stopping people from having sex. At that point your mind is so focused on it, and you begin to see it everywhere. Likewise, you can not eat and your every thought be on food, constantly obsessing about every calorie, every pound, until it consumes your thoughts.

The natural next step of being obsessed with something is to be so consumed and filled with it yourself that it begins to spill out onto others. The obsessor then applies pressure for those around them to conform to their obsession as well. This is often seen in narcissism, where the person's heightened sense of importance gets pushed on those around them to comply with their perception, and any resistance to this is met with condemnation or narcissistic rage until the subject conforms. If someone is obsessed with a person, it can consume them and the outward push can become stalking or worse in an effort to control that person, but never mistake that need to control as love. Obsession is not love.

Extremism/Obsession of any kind can turn a normal healthy appetite or interest into a destructive cycle.  As I've said before, addictive (obsessive) personalities are far more destructive than the substances they choose to abuse. There was a story my biology teacher once told us of a woman obsessed with drinking water to the point that she killed herself by drinking too much and her cells began to burst. Too much of anything is a bad thing, and inversely too little can be bad too.

Extremism turns kind people into doormats, because they are afraid to say no. Extremism turns good workers into workaholics that burn out. Extremism turns a fit person into a bulimic. At its very core extremism/obsession turns positives into negatives.

The problem with extremism, is that in an attempt to counter the previous extreme, some people may go to the opposite extreme, which is referred to as the pendulum effect. However a pendulum swung to the other extreme, will inevitably swing back the other way and so on, because the balance is in the middle and when it finally settles in the middle that is where true stability can be found. For example, an alcoholic may quit cold turkey, then fall off the wagon, then binge drink, etc. It's not until the person can be able to take a drink and stop themselves, be in the room with it and not be obsessing over drinking or not drinking, that they truly won't be an alcoholic anymore. When that drink no longer becomes a part of their core identity, they are cured.

Often these obsessions are out of a shaky persona clinging to something to define them, make them happy, to make them lovable to someone, to justify them, or some other part of their identity which they value greatly to the point that peripheral things lose focus. They say "this is all I need", and in that they neglect many areas that need their attention. In that moment, they throw everything into one bucket, and it becomes only a matter of time as balance is lost, and a destructive cycle begins.

So if someone counters something said, it doesn't always mean that they believe the opposite extreme. If you assume that, you might want to examine your own views for extremist thought. Sometimes people are just giving a reality check, and trying to lighten a bucket that looks like it might be getting too heavy.

Here's to everyone walking the line. May your burdens be light. May your balance never falter. And may you always find your footing in truth.

Control and the Just World Theory

I get irritated with the philosophies that say you are in complete control of your life, and that everything is a byproduct of your decisions. Sure I would say the bulk of things, but not everything. To believe that EVERYTHING is within your control is a slippery slope to victim blame and the just world phenomenon, which is a sign of a personality disorder.

"The just-world hypothesis (or just-world fallacy) is the cognitive bias that human actions eventually yield morally fair and fitting consequences, so that, ultimately, noble actions are duly rewarded and evil actions are duly punished. In other words, the just-world hypothesis is the tendency to attribute consequences to, or expect consequences as the result of, an unspecified power that restores moral balance; the fallacy is that this implies (often unintentionally) the existence of such a power in terms of some cosmic force of justice, desert, stability, or order in the universe." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_world_phenomenon

Control is an illusion, and the very nature of this philosophy does not acknowledge the free will and decisions of others. It is in fact very narcissistic - as in problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism - and naive to believe that you have complete and utter control over everything that happens to you.

You can control yourself, your reactions, your choices, but it in this exaggerated perception that lays responsibility on the victim for every wrong thing that happens to them. In that over-assertion is what I have a problem with, because I am a big advocate of personal responsibility in general. However to say every bad thing that befalls you is your fault, negates the influence and will of any other person, whose own will should be just as far reaching, if you accept that premise. Tell that to the jews of the holocaust, the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting, or a child who was raped by their father. There are things that are truly beyond your control. You are not the center of the universe and there are limits to everyone's influence, even yours.

For example, there is a book that makes claims on your disposition causing certain ailments, but the problem is that it's not a diagnosis.  It's always hindsight, and never works the opposite. In these books is the claim that people who end up with multiple sclerosis get it because they are stubborn and closed minded. My aunt died of MS, and had a very severe case. She was extremely gullible and if there was anything stubborn about her, it was her faith in everything that came along to heal her. A faith that should have healed her, if that were the way of it. Therefore she was the antithesis of what the book claimed was the cause. This same book attributes whatever is ailing you to some personality flaw, which is ridiculous. If there is any sense of validity, perhaps that something might lead one to smoke and then get lung cancer. Therefore it is a byproduct of a destructive behavior, but to say that someone has breast cancer because they are too motherly is excessive. It leaves no room for actual scientific causes, which have been proven repeatedly, as opposed to this random assertion.

BAD THINGS HAPPEN, and sometimes they happen to good people. 

That does not mean that they deserved it. In fact I have seen more bad things happen to good people than bad people over the years. Often I have seen more people take the side of the abuser than the victim for this very reasoning.

It makes people comfortable to believe that someone deserved something bad, even if they are the ones doing the mistreating. In the Milgram experiment http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millgram_study they showed that 65% of participants "hurt" people under orders to the point of giving a final lethal shock. They were unaware that the other participant was acting. The descriptions of the subject before and after were shockingly different, attributing some deficiency in the person they "hurt" (ugly, stupid, etc) that was not there before. It's soothing to the soul to think that there's a reason such as that, because if bad things happen to good people... and they viewing themselves as good... anything could happen to them. It makes one feel vulnerable and insecure to recognize that someone might randomly target them.

The world is simple. People do make decisions and they are responsible for those decisions. They do produce reactions of equal and opposite natures, but to extrapolate from that to say you are responsible for ever single thing that happens to you, is extreme absurdity. The person doing it to you is responsible for their own actions, and you are responsible for yours.

Faith and Belief

Lately I have been pondering on the concepts of faith and belief, and I think that they are two entirely different creatures that often become intertwined to have the same meaning.  This simply is not the case, and I can only speculate on the core differences, but there is a difference.

Belief in something does not make it true.  I have heard many people say that if you believe it, then it will happen, but if that were true, when people who are high believe they can fly, we wouldn't find their bodies the next day splattered on concrete.  I have no doubt that they believe with all their hearts that they can fly.  We can believe a lie told to us all day long, but it does not make it true, nor change reality by enough people believing.  If it did, we would not have schizophrenics, who live in their own worlds, but it is only real to them, and does not make them true... it makes them sick.

So how is faith different?  You can invest your energy and faith into someone and still be betrayed, but I  believe (so this could be right or wrong) that faith does not come from us.  Faith is the connection between us and the divine.  Such was the lesson on the water with Jesus and Peter.  So long as Peter had his eyes on Christ, he could do it, but fear set in and he began to sink. Before he could walk on water, first Peter had to believe, but not in himself.  He had to have faith in the divine that all things were possibly through Christ who strengthens us, and all things work for good for those who serve the Lord.  And if you ask me, that's rather specific.

Throughout my life, I have been exposed to a variety of people, and in them a variety of beliefs, but the one resounding difference was what they believed in, more than what they believed.  Those who believed in the light, the good, and that it would carry them, those who actively worked to shine that light to the benefit of others, those were people who had faith.  Adversely I've seen many with a foolish belief in themselves only to be a disappoint to themselves and others time and time again when reality didn't measure up to their belief.  I've seen people more concerned and with more belief in a cause, using their belief as a crutch to support that cause than the other way around.  Personally I have seen and had faith in things to see mighty things happen, and I have believed in things that were unworthy of that belief and ended in bitter disappointment.  Honestly the result is indicative of that belief versus faith.  The seed was planted and you could tell by its fruit whether it was planted in faith or belief.

In conclusion, all I can say is that there is a distinct difference between the two.  Perhaps it seems simplistic, but if that were so, people would not be getting it wrong so much.  I leave you with the question:  What do you believe in?  What do you have faith in?  How often have you been disappointed by who or what you believed in?  All I ask is that you examine your intentions, your sources, and perhaps you might find the solution that is right for you.  In so doing, I hope you find the faith that you need, by letting the light lead.

The Flame

Being a creative usually starts with perception and sensitivity. Artists and writers translate the world around them into a transferable language that takes their viewer / reader into that place, that experience, and gives them for one brief moment a sight through the creative's eyes. Not everyone is capable of abstract thought, to see beyond themselves, but creatives transport others, opening doors and minds in the process. Not limited to what they see, creatives reveal that there is more, and therefore strip away the self imposed limits of the person intaking the work of the creatives' hearts and minds. Media is important for this reason.

However to be this sort of shaman of thought and imagination, is a taxing reality. It comes with a myriad of reactions by those who experience their work. Sometimes it manifests in jealousy or a lack of respect for these hours of creation as real work, when the very act taps resources of emotional and psychological depths that often are not used in the average profession. Sometimes it manifest in obsessors or destroyers of different shapes and breeds, people who either want to own the creative recognizing something special, and being lofty of mind, believe they deserve to have the creative all to themselves, and then rob them of their voice and in that their purpose and freedom to create. Often this is followed by the "if I can't have you, no one will" mentality and the general suffocation of the creative's light. The world is a little darker, every time one of these lights go out.

All the while that which makes a creative is sensitivity and perception, which makes these strikes all the more powerful, the wounds deeper, the hits more damaging, because of what they are. It is no wonder that many creatives suffer from depression or emotional disturbances, because of the yoke of being a creative. It often takes another creative to understand, and help fuel those flames that bring life to ideas. In that contact, there is a synergy, and they burn brighter by the mere presence of a kindred flame. Because to shine your light in the dark can be a lonely path.

A truly cultivated creative though, cannot stop creating, with what they are given. In this they can transform the negative into a positive, their experiences into a lesson, and their broken heart into an unbreakable tool for the protection of other hearts. Those negative experiences become fuel for inspiration and they can turn crap into gold, which I lovingly call the Midass touch.

Be what you are, illuminate the darkness, expose the shadows, feel the heights and depths of emotion, and be not afraid, because what you are is as beautiful as anything you create. In a world of destruction, you are the counter ... CREATE

Reflections on Rape Culture

Drawn the night before being kidnapped,
and the last time that I ever felt pretty.

Ever since the rape case came out in the media, highlighting the rape culture that exists, well, it's brought up a lot of emotions and memories. Probably combined with the almost getting in a wreck the other day, I've just been ... off, and I feel the need to speak up and speak out. This is a terribly unpopular thing for a woman to do, and so that probably means it needs to be done all the more.

Rape Culture is all around us. You can see it in the media with more sympathy for the football players, than the poor girl whose life will never be the same. You can see it in the people surrounding the event with general apathy for the victim, and more concern in covering it up, or making jokes about it. But that's not where it starts. It starts with a general lack of empathy, a sense of male privilege, and a need for control. Control is a big motivator of rape. It is about destruction, not sex, controlling the victim's life, humiliation, and about a sense of power for the rapist. This need for control is big in many personality disorders, and any other area that is sliding the slippery slope of morality such as churches and government. The person being controlled is devalued, looked down upon, and it is simply to ensure the power of the attacker while decreasing the power of the victim.

The way things develop to this level, start small and at home. I was often told, "You can't do that, you're a girl." When my daughter cries and someone says, "She's just being a girl." These statements say so much more in subtext. First of all it devalues the abilities of a girl. It says that emotions are weakness and to not be valued. It breeds a lack of empathy for females, and sets them apart as a lesser section of humanity. Now this is not to say that men and women aren't different. We are, very much! But we should be valued the same, instead of just simply invalidating any emotion a woman has by "being a girl". Males have plenty of emotions too, but when their anger is out of control, do we just say, oh they are just being male, and it's okay that he hit her, or well, his blood was up and this justifies him raping someone because they can't help themselves.

I remember my grandfather telling me in highschool that it is up to the girl to say no, "because men can't help themselves." Bullshit... If men are that dangerous then how can society expect to function at all? I loved my grandfather fiercely, but he also told me that I needed to lose weight when I was anorexic. Such a statement from someone you adore and admire can be crushing to a young girl's spirit. It says so many things like "you're physical form is your entire worth, and thus your sexual appeal and viability". The same people obsessed with me not having sex before marriage were also the ones pushing for me to have children and be a good little brood mare as if that was my only contribution to society. The problem is that many people, both men and women, feel like they have the right to say what a woman does with her body. The same people will turn a blind eye to a man sleeping around, and be horrified at a woman exhibiting similar behavior. This division of expectations is the start of male privilege and rape culture. A man and a woman both have multiple partners, he is seen in a positive light as a "Stud" while she is labeled a "Whore".

And let me make this clear. If you are obsessed with people not having sex... you are still OBSESSED WITH SEX, just as much as the person intent on finding it. The sheer constant focus on it, the policing of it, who is doing it, is all the same thing. It's the same as alcoholism. If you can't be around alcohol and say no, you are an alcoholic. If you can't take a sip and stop... then YOU have a problem. And perhaps this obsession with it in our culture, the haves and have nots of sex, is what makes it become a social weapon. I've had to cope with sexual harassment in the work place, where work was constantly dangled before me, but given to whoever my female boss was sleeping with this week, while I was encouraged to partake.

There are so many things wrong with this world, and it seems that the insidious succeed, while the good just get stepped on repeatedly. I can intellectually KNOW that it is not always the case, but my brain is at war with my feelings which are presently overwhelming in response to these events. Welcome to C-PTSD, a by-product of my violent history, the consequences of molestation, rape, and mortal danger.

Throughout my life I have had multiple"attackers" both sexually and mortally threatening, starting from a very young age. I've even been completely drowned for telling the truth (part of why I hate lies). I've had a knife pulled on me on a date and move to jump from a moving vehicle. I've been threatened if I didn't go on dates with people that they would kill my horse. My ex-husband was the worst, but that's why he's in jail. I've been put down, beat up, and just generally treated like crap for having the audacity to be female and not worship at the altar of some man's penis. The scary thing is that half the time, the women are giving you just as much crap out of jealousy, or whatever, and in doing so just seem to reinforce a growing sense of misogyny and "she deserved it" syndrome.

As a business owner, I've had to learn to take guys to shows with me half the time, because people would prefer to talk to him and look at me. I walked into an Ace Hardware with my friend Richard and told the man what we were looking for, who promptly turned to Richard, ignoring me. Richard repeated what I had said, and THEN the man went and got it. Forgetting something, I told the man what he had forgot, and again he looked at Richard who again repeated what I said followed with "like she said".

Over the years I've gotten heavier, partially from loss of thyroid and perhaps psychologically as a protective layer against unwanted male interest.

So yes... although I'm mostly functional most days, I do have issues. I've worked very hard to overcome them, but this internal war is very exhausting. One side of me desperately wants to just give up. The other side wants to keep going and see the fruits of my labors. However the years have been chipping away at me, finances draining my hope, complications strangling my dreams, and October is Coming, when my ex gets out of prison. It hangs in the periphery like a clicking clock, and every time someone wastes my time, it's particularly infuriating because I feel like I have so little time left.

Perhaps the thought of rape culture highlights this, where society likes to lay responsibility on the female. After my own experiences with it surrounding those events, I'm very sensitive to these things, and it seems to be perpetuating in society. When he gets out, >I< am the one who has to be prepared. His freedom means my loss of it, or at least the feeling free to live my life un-harassed, without worry for damages both to my character and my way of life.

It was bad enough dealing with his bullshit (lies, character assassination, and various coverups for his own crap) following me all these years later. It was bad enough that where we used to live he had a doppleganger that was involved in politics and I saw him everywhere, constantly battling flashbacks and wondering if he had broken out of prison or sweet talked his way out (he tried and almost succeeded - yes he was THAT charming). Bad enough that the majority of the psychological damage has not healed, without worrying about reoccurrence. And though we have taken precautions, I have to be the one to be on the look out, as this violent sex offender with a grudge against me holding him accountable - roams mostly free... and I have a little girl to worry about now too. It falls on me. How is this a "life" sentence?

All this crap you see about kidnapping, where the cops are at the house waiting for the kidnapper to call... that's Hollywood. In reality you report the crime, they pat you on the head saying, don't get kidnapped again. They do their job, but they can't do anything till a crime has been committed, and by then it's too late. That's the way of things though, and it protects us from being bullied for things we "might" do. So society trying to CONTROL things and prevent things from happening again then places it on the woman for HER to not encourage rape. I was in my house, in torn up jeans, painting, when I was grabbed from behind and tied up. So understand this... rape is not sex... it's about control, and as he seemed to live to destroy me in every way humanly possible... that was just another way to do it.

It's hard to expect and prepare for things out of people when you can't conceive of someone being evil enough to do those things. The blame is on those evil enough to do them... end of story.

If you want to support rape victims, try understanding what the effects are going to be and be patient with them. They aren't going to act normal. Of course you shouldn't let them abuse you. You still have to maintain your own boundaries, but just understand that a lot of the anger, has little to do with you. Research the psychological effects of rape, so you know it when you see it, and that way you can be prepared to respond when it arises. If you want to try and stop rape from happening, stop excusing your boys from feelings, and start teaching them to treat women with equal value. Start teaching your boys self control.

"Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent." - Ayn Rand

Psychopaths are Dangerous Animals

*puts down soap box and climbs on top of it*

Alright people, here's some abnormal psych 101.

I know it broke many hearts to watch the news about Connecticut, and as rational people shocked and appalled that a human could do such a thing, they feel the need to DO something to prevent it from happening again.  I have heard arguments against guns, violent video games, right down to what kids eat blamed for what happened... so let me make this clear... the ONLY person to blame is the person who did it!  He made a decision that NORMAL people do not make.

All these peripheral protections that people want to enact are out of fear that something will turn a good person into a walking time bomb.  This just isn't the case.  A violent video game or movie may numb people to violence, but so does being a trauma surgeon... does this mean we should outlaw them... that they are one day going to decide instead of helping the dying person get well that they are going to go on a murder spree through the ER?  Probably not...  And honestly, there were no video games or movies for Jack the Ripper to get ideas.  Serial killers, murders, rapists, or simply put - EVIL - people have always been here and will always be.  It's not the good people that we need protection from.

Now give that same video game to a psychopath... and that might be something to worry about. Psychopaths are BORN and make up about 5% of the population last time I checked the numbers.  You have a 1 in 20 chance of meeting them and they are often VERY charming and charismatic, unburdened with guilt they can lie and beguile without most people knowing the wiser.  It's usually the internal life, those closest that see their true self, and often the victim is so maligned by the charming psychopath, that they will have stadiums of supporters cheering them on as they abuse their victim.  There is a tale in New Orleans of a woman who was an extremely popular socialite but who had been performing horrible acts of mutilation and murder on her slaves.  Everyone loved her and had no idea... and this too was long before chemicals in food or television.  Perhaps the reason that it appears that these instances are increasing, is that as populations increase, so does the number of people included in that small percentage.  But also the sensationalism of the news may be to blame.  Some people especially psychopaths THRIVE off bad news and find it exciting.  But more importantly we are aware of things more than we used to be.  Who knows what happened in the days of homesteading when justice was as far away as the rest of civilization?

Most of the time a psychopath will not kill someone if they don't think they can get away with it.  What stops them are consequences, getting caught, punishment, or people knowing their secret darkness.  Psychopaths do not have a normal person's sense of empathy or compassion to keep them in check.  Laws mean little, because they tend to think they are above others and thus also the law.  However if they think their target benign enough and think they are smart enough, they will choose their victims carefully.  They don't pick people who they think will fight back.  They are predators and predators prey on those they deem "weak" : Analysis of gun ownership rates versus homicides http://t.co/MGpscVrY

Which means that by limiting guns, you widen the predator's hunting grounds.  Right now I know a stalker bitching about Georgia hicks and their guns, but by God, if he shows up, I will be glad of our castle laws.

These people are animals... and like animals they will not be swayed through means that control normal people such as logic, appealing to their compassion (though they may make a good show of it), or NORMAL means.  They are not normal people.  The only way is through the "threat" of deadly force, which has been shown repeatedly that when met with deadly force or being caught, the shooter often takes their own life.

If you were being charged by a bear how would you react?  IF there were the threat of bear attack, how would you react?  You do what you can not to encourage them to approach you, and if they do anyway, you better have a place to hide or a way to take them out.  If you want to find a kinder way to protect the populace, then fund research to find genetic markers that predispose people for psychopathy, and stop blaming other things.

An Armed Society is a Polite Society
*gets off soapbox*