Grappling with Depression

When I was in highschool, I was very depressed. For years, I did not know why I was so adverse to school.  There were reasons of course. I didn't fit in. My brother had gone before me, and my only identity was "Alan's sister" and he had rarely mentioned me in a positive light. Our relationship had been one of rivlary, delaying his jealousy (I was not allowed to wear my class ring because it might make him jealous since he was a drop-out), and walking on eggshells to not wake the dragon.

But there was one lurking secret in the back of my mind, a repressed memory that one day unlocked and bathed me in reliving the experience. The next day I turned and realized that the fellow I was sitting next to in French class had drowned me on a church trip.  When I say drowned, I mean out of body experience, waking up staring open eyed into the sun, floating on top of the water, and seeing my attacker who had held me under until I had breathed in the lake, fleeing to the shore. I should not have been alive. Consciousness returned and I coughed up the lake. No one saved me.  There was no one giving me mouth to mouth... I just came back.

My mother had unlocked the memory by mentioning it one day, years later. I had buried it in order to function, but it came flooding back when she mentioned it and I staggered where I stood. His parents were lawyers, and threatened us, but we had not the financial means to defend me.  I learned that day that money determines guilt or innocence, more than truth. The result was entering a new school where my attacker was to become the popular star quarterback, and I had a reputation as a liar for telling on him.  What was worse, we not only went to the same school, but the same church, and I was supposed to carry on as if nothing had happened.  But it had, and as Ayn Rand said, "you can ignore reality, but you cannot ignore the consequences of reality."

Without memory of the incident, I found a lot of the memories of that time also suppressed, as was my joy, my desire to live, and my tolerance for being called a liar, especially when I had been working pretty hard to be the best person I could be, before and after that point. I was post traumatic and villainized especially for the ensuing depression. I remember taking the SATs and thinking... what does it matter, I'm going to kill myself tomorrow. Rarely did I study, and rarely did I care.  Life felt brief and cruel, separate from those around me, and I became even more introverted than I had been before. I went from a straight A student to not caring much about my studies, doing homework either before school or during home room.  After all, when you don't feel like you have much of a bright future, who wants to work toward one. I was just going through the motions of what was expected of me.  To make it worse, I ended up getting braces before school pictures in 7th grade, which only added to my growing unpopularity.

Truly the only healing came when at 15, a life long dream was realized. At 3, my parents told me that I could have a horse when I could afford to pay for it myself. I took this to heart, and by 15 I had the money and we had a place to keep it. She was my shelter in the storm of youth, and of course not all things were bad. This was when I was happy, on a horse.

Still I was gripped in depression. Added to this were the expectations of others, and the other stresses of high school. Repeatedly I was told, "You would be so pretty if your legs weren't so big". Mostly it was my brother who said this, and took delight in criticizing my body, but I became anorexic, hoping that maybe if I was pretty or thin enough, someone would love me. My grandfather, whom I adored, told me I needed to lose weight when I was already anorexic, comparing me to cousins with higher metabolisms. However it was never good enough. I had big legs, because they were strong legs from horseback riding.  Whatever I did, it wasn't good enough, and by the time I entered college I was fully anorexic, bulimic, and binging and purging.  Meanwhile I was working out to insane levels. I would do aerobics, bike 10 miles to the gym, lift weights, and bike back, often adding horseback riding, martial arts, and fencing to the list.  But I was doing too much on too little fuel, and in essence killing myself to be loved.  One day it took it's toll and I found myself utterly depleted. It was then that the next attack occurred.

In a weakened state, multiple "NOs" were ignored by my best friend's boyfriend, and I once again found myself in the grips of dealing with trauma that only magnified the previous depression.  My brain told me to "give him what he wants and he'll leave you alone" ... so I did, and it was not worth it. I didn't have the energy to fight at the time, but the guilt that followed was overwhelming and destructive.  The tenuous thread that made me want to keep breathing, was cut and panic attacks increased. All the while instead of help, or the sympathy people thought that I was doing it for, I mostly got disdain.  When I cut myself, it was not for the reactions, it was me trying to get the nerve to end it, and with that end, to stop the pain that I found myself in constantly. It was a form of penance for the horrible person that I felt I was, and that I did not deserve to live. I felt I could never be perfect, the person that I was expected to be, so I wanted to end the pain and die, in hopes that I could go to heaven forgiven before I screwed up again. I did not see any hope for me or my soul, which felt under constant scrutiny.

This of course was not the time to end up in a relationship, when I was self-destructive, depressed, and unstable, but of course who could resist someone holding the carrot of love, when you had been literally dying for it until then.  Honestly I am not proud of who I was during that time, but it was a mutually unhealthy relationship in many ways. I didn't know what a healthy relationship was, because I'd never had one. So instead I did what I always did, tried to be the person that I thought he wanted me to be, instead of being myself and finding someone who appreciated that person.  I thought it was love at the time, but it took me a long time to figure out what that was.

Afterward, I picked myself up, and losing that relationship was a huge turning point. I only wish it had happened much sooner, when I had tried to break it off the first time. We both would have been much happier and honestly should have never been more than friends.  There were other relationships, flashes in the pan, but the next traumatic relationship was the exhusband.  I was 23 when we met and he was 32.  At first I was trying to just be friends with him, but he had only one thing on his mind, and every No I threw his way, was a new challenge to overcome. It seemed that he had not been told No very often and it was something that he just couldn't have.

He was a psychopath, not the flippant term psycho given to difficult exes, but a true pathology. As a child, he had pulled the legs off frogs for fun. He lied without compunction, and I found out later that the majority of what he had told me was in fact lies.  The manipulations ran deep, and his glamour of charisma enfolded many in its snare.  Women were jealous that he chose me.  Many had their eye on him, but I was that unattainable one and the chase was on... He contacted my friends to learn more about me, and they happily aided him in his stalking, because it was true love after all...

Although there were red flags, he knew that I considered intercourse to be for marriage. I had been guilt tripped into dating people with a kiss, and being guilt-ridden already, he manipulated that, and me into losing my virginity... another No that he ignored.  At the time he was the most romantic person that I had ever dated, and all warning signs were shrouded in excuses and glossed over with lies.

He proposed and when I was not happy about it, he bullied me into telling everyone, and to pretending to be happy about it. I did not want to say yes, but I was already afraid of him.  The fear continued, but he still made an attempt to wear the mask until the day we were married, and everything changed.  He was being himself for the first time, and that person was cruel and cold.  When I asked him what happened to the things he used to say, as everything he said after marriage was contrary, his only comment was "I was just trying to get into your pants." The next 11 months, lasting longer than the previous 2 wives (partially by manipulation of my family) were torture, pure and simple, culminating in his attack a month after the divorce papers were signed, where he kidnapped me, raped me repeatedly, and then got derailed on his way to dump my body in a swamp.

This is how I arrived at C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Disorder) which I still have though lesser today. With it there has been depression. People would tell me how lucky I am to be alive, and then push me to live the life they wanted me to live, but that's how I ended up there in the first place.  In response, I aimed different. All my life I'd been following the guidance of others when my gut response was screaming not to.  I had been taught to obey others, not myself, and that time was ending. It was not until I started to listen to my gut more and others less that depression began to melt away some.  Also I began to see later in life that as a middle-aged woman there are far more people to relate to me now than there were when I was in high-school.  More time had exposed more women to similar experiences.

I won't say that I don't experience depression, but I have worked to understand the human psyche, to understand how people can go so wrong, and that has helped.  Understanding helps, but being understood helps too.  Also being true to myself. I know that I am most depressed under the weight of what others want of me more than I ever am when I go my own way. It is not popular, but I would rather stay true to myself than a slave to another's will.

Also I had to examine my spirituality and the people who wielded it as a weapon against me.  Those who were the most intent on telling me how to be a good person and holding me to some high standard, often had a double standard and could not get as close to meeting it as I already was.  In so many hands religion is a tool for domination, defining expectations, but not keeping to them.  It took studying and determining my own faith to conquer that as well.

Much of my depression over the years came from seeing abuse, double standards, unfairness, manipulation, emotional abuse, and knowing deep down that it was inherently wrong. But at the time I had no words to express what I perceived as wrong in the world, and when I tried, I was often silenced and my concerns minimized.  The patterns that I saw around me were there and bright as day. I would say things and people would scoff, then a month later return and say I was right about this or that. But in my earlier social circles I was often pushed down the pecking order and my concerns were a source of disdain rather than regard.

Through research and personal education, I have found those things to reinforce what I already knew to be true, and those things within myself that were wrong.  It's a constant battle, not a war to be won. Life is like the 100 years war but more like 72 years.  Within it are little advances and retreats, wins and losses. We can tire of the fighting and think of surrender, but learning of ourselves and our enemies provides us with the insight to win more battles until the fight is over. The real enemy is the behaviors more than the individuals, unless it's a psychopath, and then there is no cure for them.

People often rarely take me seriously. Some in the worst situations refuse to believe emotional abuse is a real thing, preferring to color me as someone who thinks everyone is abusive.  This is usually because they are only carrying out what they learned in their own families, so it seems normal, even if it's destructive. I've had conversations with people when I talk about emotional abuse and then use the word unhealthy instead, and suddenly the same topic becomes acceptable, and the person more willing to admit to those same behaviors as long as the tag of abuse is not attached. Which means that they know it is wrong on some level, but are willing to accept it as a bad habit more than as something they are doing that is harmful to others.

The struggle to open my own eyes, as well as those around me is a fight against the darkness. It's never ending, rarely rewarded, rarely appreciated, and rarely validated.  However when it does happen, when we turn away from those things that destroy ourselves and those around us from within, you can't help but be happy.  For it has always been the lies, the denial, the coverups, the manipulations that make me depressed, moreso when pointing out those destructive behaviors and being the villain for not ignoring the elephant in the room, and having the gall to ask people to stop feeding the elephant peanuts.

It's truth ... and finding people living in truth that is the best remedy for depression.  Watching people make poor decisions that you can not help but see the future outcome of, is terribly depressing, but watching someone make a good decision and set their life in a more positive direction, is cause for joy.  I only hope that I can help people evade those pitfalls that I fell into, climbing fool's hill. We all stumble, but it's important that we get back up and avoid making the same mistakes again.

Drama that Should Not Continue Post High School

I've shared before saying that two-thirds of people never reach the final stages of mental development, including abstract thought, which involves looking beyond yourself.  This means that many people... actually most, two-thirds, are not fully mentally developed.  Welcome to high school reactions.  It feels like you're back in high school or college because often these people stopped developing mentally on that level, and so they behave out of that same mentality.

Some indications might be living in such a way congruent to life at the point in time that they stopped developing.  Most obviously they might be living with or off their parents, or refuse to actually venture out into completely taking care of themselves. Some might even put their parents in a subservient role of care-taking them. Or they might be seeking intimate relationships with people who are much younger than them, but at the same place they are mentally.  Regardless of the expression of this undeveloped mentality, the themes are for immediate satisfaction and ignorant of long term goals or consequences.  They live in the moment and are often prone to impulses.

By reacting on impulse, this negates a search for the growth for those final stages of mental development, and keeps their mind in the general state it had been.  This is most often seen in responses to difficult situations with which they try to apply their undeveloped notions. Although they might be able to skate by nonchalantly, when things get tough, no matter how deep they might proclaim, they tackle it "old school".

Because romantic relationships are complex and require higher levels of development, it is often one of those places that lack of development begins to become apparent. As previously stated, the seeking of a mental equal, often means seeking younger companionship, often this person will grow past the undeveloped one, and you will see the undeveloped person again fishing for someone of the original age.  Because mates of their own age will certainly be exasperated by their behavior, while younger mates will not have matured enough or not had enough experience to know that there is a problem.

Love becomes an excuse for many horrible things. This comes into play with emotional reasoning, and justifying something emotionally, means you can justify just about any behavior on the grounds of feeling the heat of the moment. This can span from stalking to rape, because the only limitations are the undeveloped emotions of the perpetrator. When receiving literature after my rape about domestic abuse, one of the main causes listed was immaturity of the abusive partner.

That immaturity comes from a large child who was used to being the center of attention, and is used to receiving more than they give, as they did with their parents. Most people in their teens go through a stage of narcissism as they try to work out who they are, and to establish their own independence. However many stalemate in this process and become narcissistic for an elongated period, possibly developing narcissistic personality disorder as a response to extreme disappointment from their parents.  This creates an entitled nature where they believe that they have some quality that makes them deserve special treatment.  If you have met a teenager, then you have probably encountered narcissism and can see the underlying undeveloped nature of the mentality. The biggest problem with narcissism is that only a narcissist can cure themselves, and for the most part they enjoy being a narcissist, so it is a rare case to overcome when it sets in for extraneous amounts of time.

Another undeveloped notion that is very high school is that when you break up with someone, the retaining of a sense of ownership over that person.  This can often be seen in them being overly involved, jealous, or angry that the other person has moved on without them, even if they were the one that ended the relationship in the first place.  That thought process is only a demented step from "If I can't have you no one will". A mature mind understands that their time together is over and that they have no say in the future relationships of the individual. If they had wanted a relationship to continue, it should have been dealt with from within the relationship when it was still active. Any guilt trips or other such responsibility laid on the individual for moving on, are simply control mechanisms from an undeveloped mind who cannot cope.  Sure it may hurt to see someone you love be with someone else, but it is not your place to have a say, since your time with them has ended. That jealousy and pain is yours and not something that the other should be responsible for, or have to walk on eggshells about.

The worst and most high school of the undeveloped mind is the intent to meddle or "teach someone a lesson". This is emotionally abusive and usually a reaction to feeling out of control of the situation by trying to initiate some measure of strings that they might pull to influence the target.  This is again emotional reasoning and not abstract. It lashes out because it is hurt and wants to hurt the target in whatever way they can.  This emotional reaction is often justified through shaky logic like, "they talked about me"... and therefore they feel free to trash talk the person to everyone they know, when the target they are character assassinating might have been talking to a friend, while being tight-lipped in professional spheres. However the undeveloped person will not afford them the same restraint because they are riding the tide of an excuse. In the end it's just an excuse to do what they really want in the first place, which is make the other person pay for upsetting them, because their emotions are the end all be all of what is to be obeyed in their world.

Often in high school mean girls or the jocks will establish dominance through these tactics in an atmosphere of similar undeveloped minds where it will be quite affective and even skyrocket their popularity. They learn to manipulate people, and turn the tide for or against others.  So when they enter the real world, they have no inclination to deviate from behavior that worked so far to their advantage in order to acquire a higher mental development.  On the opposite end of the spectrum, if they were underdeveloped mentally in high school, they might be slowly developing and not reach those stages until later, however that does not mean that they cannot keep developing, and may in the end surpass those refusing to develop.  However there is always the trap of trying to recapture what they felt that they missed out on when everyone else seemed to be enjoying life.  So instead of moving forward, they are always looking back and trying to relive glory days.

All of these behaviors are destructive and emotionally abusive, because they come from the same core, a lack of empathy and understanding from a brain that has not reached the final stages of mental development.  This is two-thirds of the population, content to not seek much past their childhood. However some of these undeveloped individuals perceive themselves as having acquired a higher state of awareness, depth, or spiritual capacity, they can rest on their perceived laurels instead of developing. It creates a kind of narcissism that uses that feeling of spiritual height as a source of their entitlement, and at times an excuse to employ it as a weapon.  This again is not highly developed, but a show from a mind that hasn't reached the final stages of development.

 Personally I believe that this is partially the result of a system that keeps us kids too long, because impulse buying is economically beneficial to many people.  When a person becomes an "adult" at 18 they have not been allowed any of the responsibilities that come from being an adult.  It's not like they woke up one day and everything changed.  Maturation is not a numerical field to be entered, it is a process that forms over many years mentally as it does physically.  This leaves many behind by the time they reach their early to mid twenties when the human growth hormone shuts down. At this time, your brain is fully developed and begins to set into who you will be for the rest of your life.  This is why the military prefers people between the ages of 18-25 because they are the most malleable at that age, and can be shaped into who and what they want.  After that, people truly become set in their ways and it takes massive amounts of effort to change that.

My husband, Trenton, went to college at 16.  He is 2 years younger than the intelligent fellow I was dating before him, but he has his life together so much more than the other.  I think a big part of this is that he had a head start on moving forward into adulthood.  Not perfect by a long shot, he has continued to develop and grow, course it helps that he's a certified genius.  My grandfather was too, and he began working at an early age. He married my grandmother when they were teenagers, but neither stopped growing. He raised 5 kids, buried one, flew a bomber in WW2, became a successful architect, and was an amazing artist.  They came from humble beginnings and did amazing things, but they got an early start on it all, making it through a depression and building a solid life.  They were part of what has been referred to as the greatest generation. Although I doubt that, I do believe that having an earlier start on building a life of their own, might have had something to do with it.

In my humble opinion, we cannot be surprised at a generation that is kept children, kept from real responsibility, kept from all the things that they will have to do for themselves, and the majority don't reach the final stages of mental development.  The expectations are too low, and the lines of what it means to be mentally developed and truly mature have frayed. One does not have to lose the loves and passions of youth to take on the yoke of responsibility to be emotionally and mentally conscientious.  It does society no favors to keep people children longer, and in fact only encourages emotionally abusive behaviors that could turn into physically abusive or delinquent behaviors.  Tired of bored teens playing knock out games? Perhaps if they had a job and were contributing to society, they wouldn't have the time to do them, and would be developing in mentally healthier ways.

What Frozen Got Right!

Although when I first heard the Frozen story line I was a little rocked... thinking healing trolls and princesses with other than romantic love... did they grab the story that I was working on a while back?  I guess it's a good thing we went back and started rewriting it.  But the reason we had been incorporating the theme of other forms of love was because it had been sorely missing in the realm of Fantasy films.  Historically it had been about romantic love, and that's not the end all, be all, only way to love someone.  In Greek there are multiple words for love.

"There are 7 Greek words for love and they are all slightly different. Agape love is love without any payment in return. This refers to love in the purest sense of the word. Philos refers to the love of a friendship. Eunoia is love out of kindness, while eros is a sexual love. Hetairos is a brotherhood type of love and aphrodisios refers to the goddess of love. Storgy is the love a mother has for her kids, or in more general terms, the love one has for their dependents."

Unfortunately our modern terminology leaves us lacking, where love can mean anything from liking an ice cream cone to matrimony, with little differentiating factors in language while there's a full unexpressed spectrum emotionally. It's no wonder that so many young people have come to confuse love and sex as the same thing. This is a component of many poor decisions based on an un-evolved perception of love formed through modern media and lack of experience.

This was one of the things that I loved about the movie, Frozen, and that it got right where Disney had failed so often in the past. Anna having little socialization was starved for love and affection, made worse by the loss of her parents and the abandonment by her sister.  When Hans appears on the scene and gives her attention she had not received in such a long time, she forgot herself and clung to what seemed like true love, because he was being nice to her. It was different, so it had to be love...  But Hans was playing her all along, in an excellent depiction of a sociopath.  Disney got that right too.

Abusers don't start off abusive, and sociopaths are actually quite charming and often popular, because they do just what Hans did... they tell people what they want to hear in order to get what they want.  The fact that he did it so flawlessly, uncomplicated by guilt, is also a cue of the sociopath or psychopath, because they in fact don't care and are truly unaffected by guilt.  This lack of social complication often soars them past the radars of most people and has them often being very likable to the average joe. Sociopaths are the most likely of real life bad guys. They are rarely overt and obvious but more likely to sneak past defenses and destroy from within.  It's a good lesson for girls to learn... even if it might take them a few years to learn it.

On top of that, Disney went for the fairy tale act of "true love", which is one of those elements required for a good fairy tale. When it came down to it, they didn't cop out for the easy answer of true love's kiss.  Instead they went for something just as real or maybe moreso, it was about the sacrifice of love as sisters.  This was beautifully done and didn't leave out a little eros for Anna after all.  However its truly special quality was that it showed that love was more than just boy meets girl, it's about caring for others and sacrifice, even if sometimes it's just your pride.  Disney got that right too, and even the comedic relief, Olaf was there to help Anna understand love, by demonstration, which covers philial love between friends.  Elsa finds love for herself by exploring her own talents and decides to be herself instead of hiding who she is.  The emotional development of all the characters leaves them all in a better place than they started... except maybe Olaf who is a self proclaimed love expert.

So Kudos to Disney on Frozen.  Even Queen Elizabeth would have been pleased enough to melt her heart, should she have made a bet that no movie had ever shown true love.  Romeo and Juliet only has one form of love. And although Frozen is not a work of Shakespeare, it takes us deeper than Disney has gone before. It truly gets to the heart of love.

The 5 Biggest Pains of Carrying So Far

There are several inconveniences and awkward moments that come with your conceal carry permit, but here's the main ones that I've encountered.

People with their conceal carry are less likely to commit
murder than police officers.

1. Going to the Post Office 
Since I own my own business and often have to ship things, this is a frequent irritation.  You pull up to the Post Office and gather all your packages to ship. Then remember, crap I have to disarm.  So off comes the boot knife, and the gun gets left in the car.  It doesn't seem like much but when rushing around on errands theres, this hitch in progress.  However the more weird part is then rearming in the parking lot.  Lots of people get wide eyes as you have to then pull out your weapon to put it back in the holster.  However, with the crazy of my visit to the Post Office today, I can understand why they would want people unarmed. It's inefficiency is enough to make someone go postal.  Ah, the holidays.

2. Picking Up Your Kid from School
Once again we are entering government grounds.  Mind you that when my parents were kids, they had classes in shooting at schools, but now it's forbidden territory with all the school shootings... like a parent is going to open fire in a place that might harm their child... not likely.  Regardless, it's another place where you have to disarm, but some places get irritable even when it's left in the car of the parent.

3. Going to the Bathroom
I carry my wallet in my back pocket, which tends to fall out every time I disrobe to use the facilities. Luckily my crossbreed holster is pretty sturdy and it doesn't follow the wallet to the floor... that would suck.  But it does add an extra worry in the confined space of a public restroom.

4. Dressing Up
Not a big fan of dressing up in the first place, it adds another dimension to difficulty. My crossbreed holster is made to fit in pants, therefore as a woman, dressing up in a dress, makes this a rather difficult thing to maneuver. Perhaps a bra holster would be better for this.  It means that the gun goes into my purse, which is not nearly as accessible.

5. Going to the Movies
You think getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of a movie is awkward? I personally hate crawling over people, but then not only do you have your butt in a stranger's face, but your gun as well.  Cue weird responses and strange looks when you come back in from the bathroom... although sometimes the people are distinctly more polite. I guess it goes to show that an armed society is a polite society.

Although there are some inconveniences, it's been very much worth it, and not the big deal that people make it out to be. There's always the funny looks and guilt trips by others that you would dare carry a gun, but at the end of the day, mine and my family's safety are worth more than the weird looks of people.

Emotional Abuse in Politics

In the past I have said that Obama behaves like an emotionally abusive husband and America is his abused wife. He is charismatic and charming, and America loves him, so they let the abuse continue. All you have to do is look at some of the characteristics of emotionally abusive husbands and realize that he is in fact doing them to us.  The only thing missing from the list is pressure to have sex, but we have had to bend over and take it with taxes, and the TSA is good at the molesting without consent.

Checking your cell phone or email without permission

This is a big tell in a relationship, but you don't have to look far in our government either. Just look at this Daily Show episode with Jon Stewart.  "... no honey, I wouldn't ever do that... or tell you that I did that". This is an abuse of privacy, and expression of ownership over the individual. An abuser does not recognize your basic human rights. You are their possession. This is true in relationships and in politics.

This constant tracking can also fall under insecurity, by the sheer extreme of security that he has instituted to buffer his insecurity about the American people. That the NSA is abusing power to such an extent that it's stalking would be love interests is only along the same lines of the abusive qualities inherent in this personality. 

Constantly putting you down

Obama's famous quotation, "If you've got a business—you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen." This is bullshit, because government has done more to limit the growth and development of business than aid it.  It minimizes the efforts of the business owner while taking all the credit. This is classic abusive behavior, where the abuser tells you that you would be nothing without them, and who else would want you.

Explosive Temper, Mood Swings, and Making False Accusations

Obama has been a temperamental president, storming out, calling those who oppose Obamacare or other implementations extremists.  He's already been shown to lie if you watched the Daily Show clip, and then see how those who oppose him are automatically called racist.  This is a form of blame shifting which is also an emotionally abusive tactic.  When in the face of real factual arguments to their actions, an abuser will divert the attention in classic magic show redirection.  A person may have real concern about policies, but by calling the person a racist, he immediately villainizes them while directing attention away from valid arguments.

Degradation, Telling you what to do, Constantly criticizes weight/looks, Control all the financial decisions, refuse to listen to their partner’s opinion, withhold important financial information and make their spouse live on limited resources.

These all seem to lump together within the Obama policies.  Obamacare which promised people they could keep their plans (cue empty promises, another abusive tactic) obviously turned out to be a lie.  It forced its plan on people and raised people's rates astronomically.  If you don't think that Obama is making your body his, then consider Michelle Obama's war on obesity, controlling what people eat, limiting sodas in school, and basically telling people they are fat, criticizing their weight.  The government is now trying to control what you put into your body and how you handle it when you are sick.  In essence it is making some of the most important decisions, and by not divulging information "you have to pass the bill to know what's in it" that is all falling within the abusive range.

If the spouse does not give into the control they are threatened, harassed, punished and intimidated by the abuser. Physically hurting you in any way, Intimidation

In our government's case, it's a matter of threat by force. "It's the law so get used to it" mentality. Punishment comes at the point of a gun or possibly a drone strike.

Threats, Withholding to get own way, Demonstrating Omnipotence and Futility of Resistance

Recently Obama shut down the government. It's happened in the past, but this was not a way to save money on furlough, because he actually hired massive amounts of armed enforcers to keep people off federal property. However because the state governments stepped in, it did not have the pervasive impact that he was probably looking for to demonstrate power.

Monopolization of Perception

This is used to Frustrate all actions not consistent with compliance. Honestly, this one is a given with the media, and Obama having specifically put people opposed to him publicly on watch lists.

Although I could continue, it is up to you to open your eyes to the abuse that is happening. Read the list of abusive behaviors and consider if it can be applied to what you are seeing happening around you. Once an abuser takes root, the abuse only grows. It's a cycle of continual subservience and abuse. The abuser only has power so long as the abused is willing to submit via guilt and manipulation.  Don't let America become the abused wife of Obama.

I've gathered together some resources on what makes an emotionally abusive relationship below with links to the resources.

Warning Signs of Abuse

Because relationships exist on a spectrum, it can be hard to tell when a behavior crosses the line from healthy to unhealthy or even abusive. Use these warning signs of abuse to see if your relationship is going in the wrong direction:

• Checking your cell phone or email without permission
• Constantly putting you down
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Explosive temper
• Isolating you from family or friends
• Making false accusations
• Mood swings
• Physically hurting you in any way
• Possessiveness
• Telling you what to do
• Repeatedly pressuring you to have sex

• Isolating a spouse from friends and family.
• Discourage any independent activities such as work; taking classes or activities with friends.
• Accuse their spouse of being unfaithful if she talks to a member of the opposite sex.
• Expect her/him to partake in sexual activities that he/she is uncomfortable with to prove their love. Or, withhold sex as punishment instead of communicating openly their displeasure.
• Constantly criticize the spouses weight, their looks, they way they dress.
• If the spouse does not give into the control they are threatened, harassed, punished and intimidated by the abuser.
• Uses the children to gain control by undermining the other parent’s authority or threatening to leave and take the children.
• Control all the financial decisions, refuse to listen to their partner’s opinion, withhold important financial information and make their spouse live on limited resources.
• Make all major decisions such as where to live, how to furnish the home and what type of automobile to drive.

Biderman's Chart of Coercion:

• Isolation:
  Deprives the victim of all social support necessary for the ability to resist.
  Develops an intense concern for self.
  Causes victims to depend on the victimizer.
• Monopolization of Perception:
  Fixes attention upon immediate predicament and fosters introspection.
  Eliminates stimuli competing with those controlled by the captor.
  Frustrates all actions not consistent with compliance.
• Induced Debility &Exhaustion:
  Weakens mental and physical ability to resist.
• Threats:
  Cultivates anxiety and despair.
• Occasional Indulgences (bailouts) :
  Provides positive motivation for continued compliance.
• Demonstrating “Omnipotence”:
  Suggests futility of resistance.
• Enforcing Trivial Demands:
  Develops habits of compliance
• Degradation:
  Makes cost of resistance appear more damaging to the self-esteem than capitulation
  Reduces prisoner to, “animal level” concerns.

The Flesh Mask

Dresden versus a Vampire - Skindeep
 Poster available 

In the Dresden series, the vampires often wear what is known as a flesh mask, while underneath they are horrible creatures made of nightmares and black goo.  Meanwhile the flesh mask is this beautiful exterior that is only skin deep.  However it's very powerful and influential on their prospective prey.

There are lots of people with flesh masks and while there may not be a literal oozing monster beneath their skin, there are many who are monsters inside.  Often these monsters are only looking skin deep themselves, focused on fleshly matters, largely unaware that there is much beneath the flesh mask as they often don't want to look beneath it in themselves.

As an artist, many people ASSUME that I'm a glutton for the flesh mask, and that what I find beautiful must be what I'm attracted to, but this is often projection of their own thinking.
What attracts me has little to do with the physical. In fact I've learned to avoid men who are classically handsome, because it tends to come with a lot of entitlement and narcissism, more so than in women who are constantly berated even when they are beautiful.  (But I still have a weakness for Dean in Supernatural - only human) Personally, I love brains... and not in a zombie eating them sort of way. My erogenous zone is my mind and emotions.  Pics of hot guys are boring, and leave me thinking... asshole... asshole... asshole... (Didn't like Dean or Aragorn at first glance - it was their manner that sold me) When I look at someone beautiful I think "I want to paint that", while those focused on flesh think "I want to have sex with that." It's disconcerting when people project that onto me, when it's not what's going on in my head at all. Likewise I can love someone and not have sex with them. I love my dog... I don't LOVE my dog. To me sexual attraction comes with emotional attachment.

Artists by nature attract people who are in love with their own flesh mask and want to be painted as they see themselves.  Photographs don't always cut it for them, because they often have things about themselves that they want to be better.  So the artist is left with the dubious task of reading their mind.  You draw someone as they are and the person complains it's ugly because they have freckles. Then you paint them without freckles or their lazy eye, and then they claim it doesn't look like them.  It's one of the many reasons why portraits are a pain in the ass. It is often the most in demand, but that check comes smothered in stress and picky narcissism much of the time. Not universally but enough to make you hesitate before taking the commission.

On the flip-side, I have known some beautiful people who were beautiful to the core, but could not see their own beauty.  When I look at them, I see not just their exterior but a beautiful heart.  I WANT to paint them, so they can see through my eyes how beautiful they are to me.  This is often why I have a select few models and I prefer to have ones that I like as a person.  Somewhat unintentionally how I feel about the person I'm drawing tends to come out in the final piece whether I want it to or not.  There are some lovely photos I've taken of people and never painted because they were just not good people, which became evident later. Some emotions get translated into lines on a subconscious level, and it just shows.  This is one of the reasons that illustration work often comes across as lacking, unless it's something I really enjoy like the Pantheon Card Game.  There's a big difference in projects that you are passionate about and those you are not.

There are so many preconceptions about being a fantasy artist.  Many believe you must be schizophrenic (not living in reality as opposed to multiple personalities which is another disorder.).  However that is more inclined to abstract artists than realists like myself.  There is a series of paintings by an artist named Luis Wain of cats. The more he fell into schizophrenia, the less that cat looked like a recognizable feline form.

Even when I paint or draw something that is fantastical, I still try to make it logically work.  It has to look like something that could exist with reasonable muscular and skeletal structure extrapolated from things that do exist already in nature.  You cannot have supernatural without an element of natural. It takes nature and then adds to it. I believe that it was Tom Clancy who said, "The difference between fiction and reality is that fiction has to make sense." The same goes with artwork, and that is not created by a mind devoid of reason, but hard wired with it.  This was a frustrating quality to those who have tried to manipulate my mind and failed.

One of the projections of people in the flesh masks is that artists are promiscuous, drug users, and alcoholics.  While this may be true for some, it's a generalization. At conventions I tend to drink far more than I do at home, and I've seen that in other artists as well.  But since this is where people see us, they think this is an everyday thing, when in actuality it's more like a couple times a year. As for promiscuous, again that's a generalization.  Not that it isn't true of some, but personally I can count the number of people I've been with on one hand, while the people attributing this to me might need to pull out more digits, maybe some toes, and an abacus... to each their own.  As for drugs, although I advocate the legalization of pot, I have never actually done it.  My stance is based on things like the failure of prohibition, and that it only strengthens organized crime and it's not the government's right to protect people from themselves. I'd rather the government protect me from rapists and murders, than Shaggy and Scoobie Doo watching movies with a joint and cookies.  One is a threat to society. One is a personal choice, and I am proof that sometimes people can and will choose not to partake if it's important to them. I've been around it and said no... imagine that. God forbid we take personal responsibility... yeah, artists can do that too!  It's almost like we're real people!

Another misconception of those intent on flesh masks is a projection of temperamental responses. In general any expression of emotions is considered this, and instantly attached to an extreme even if it is completely within the parameters of normal emotional expression.  I am expressive, and I am emotional, because I am human.  The only real variable is the social expectations and social views being pressed on you constantly. How would you feel if you were constantly told that the labor you did was not worth paying for? Many artists would love to make minimum wage, but try to get paid and people balk or try to get it cheap from college kids. There's only so long that you can be taken advantage of that you don't start to stand up for yourself, and the moment that you do, you become the bad guy, difficult, or what-not. Often temperamental is a great way to justify marginalizing artists, and to not take them or their very valid concerns seriously.  Somehow because what we do seems enjoyable (even if it's hair-pulling stressful at times), it does not qualify to the population at large as genuine work, even though it's a specialized skill-set that the majority of the population cannot do. These workers wanting $15 an hour minimum wage ... what if they were told they should do it for free for the "exposure".  That would be absurd... but I've done jobs that when added up equated to $2 an hour, and people still didn't want to pay, because it took 2 weeks concentrated effort to do what they wanted me to do.  However if I said anything... labeled temperamental.  But with that income who can afford a lawyer to protect their interests?

One of the other drawbacks of being an artist is that it does require a certain amount of perception and emotional connection which is often a quality of empaths.  Empaths both attract and are the biggest threat to sociopaths. That core of what makes you able to create through understanding of nature and human nature, often also makes you a target for those adept at manipulating it.  Sensitivity which also seems to be a by-product or a driving force toward being an artist, for many artists, only worsens the potential for attracting users and obsessives. Not a quality for all artists, but even in those less sensitive, it still tends to attract a number of people wanting to ride on coat tails, and leech off success or potential success.

"Life of an Artist" ©1999 Lindsay Archer

At the end of the day, people try to dress artists in some social preconceived flesh mask, while often not bothering to get to know the person.  This can make artists fit the quintessential "misunderstood" perception, simply because many people aren't willing to try to understand. Meanwhile many artists are cognitive of masks and not fond of them.  Their expressions are often trying to remove those masks that much of the population adore, to see what's underneath, whether monster or beauty.  The flesh mask is all that is carnal: sex, physique, race, etc... it's all the superficial things that influence so much of us even subconsciously.  Meanwhile the core often goes overlooked.  That overweight man may not be a hunk, but he might be your soul mate, if you bothered to look beyond the flesh mask.  There are so many people who long to be good and are sucked into inherently bad situations because of flesh masks.  Those masks are the core of personality cults.  It all becomes about flesh: what you eat, how you dress, and other things that have little to do with the health of the soul.  So long as other people are making the call on what is good, people will contradict their own consciences to destructive means.  It takes something more than skin deep, but so many aren't willing to go there.  Even the people that I've known as self proclaimed "deep" people were skating the surface of carnal concerns. Often they were concerned about presenting a good flesh mask so that other people would think that they were good, while inside they were monsters.

I can't say that I've perfected it, but it's something I have observed and am reaching for in myself, meanwhile having other skins projected onto me in various patterns, instead of what's really there. Such is the life of an artist, trying to communicate that which we see and observe by shining our light, in a room full of people who hate the dark, while attracting moths, and hoping all the while that others are illuminated or will be as well. It's the only way to not have shadows, to shine.  It can't be hidden under a flesh mask. This makes you exposed or makes others want to cover it up, but it doesn't make it wrong. It's not an easy path or a popular one.

Double Standards

I hate double standards.  They are one of the most used tools in the abuser's bag of tricks. Double standards begin early. I remember being told "You can't do that, you're a girl" by my brother and his friends.  The moment that someone says something of the kind that denies you certain rights or action based on gender, race, religion, or political affiliation, you've hit a double standard.


Wikipedia:

"A double standard is the application of different sets of principles for similar situations, or by two different people in the same situation.[1] A double standard may take the form of an instance in which certain concepts (often, for example, a word, phrase, social norm, or rule) are perceived as acceptable to be applied by one group of people, but are considered unacceptable—taboo—when applied by another group.

The concept of a double standard has long been applied (as early as 1872) to the fact that different moral structures are often applied to men and women in society.[2][3]

A double standard can therefore be described as a biased or morally unfair application of the principle that all are equal in their freedoms. Such double standards are seen as unjustified because they violate a basic maxim of modern legal jurisprudence: that all parties should stand equal before the law. Double standards also violate the principle of justice known as impartiality, which is based on the assumption that the same standards should be applied to all people, without regard to subjective bias or favoritism based on social class, rank, ethnicity, gender, religion, sexual orientation, age or other distinctions. A double standard violates this principle by holding different people accountable according to different standards. The phrase "life is not fair" may be invoked in order to mollify concerns over double standards."


All my life I've run into double standards.  Most of them were because I was female, but I'm also white and a Christian, although a weird breed of it. I've had many pagans apply double standards to me, because they were bitter ex-Christians.  The core of double standards is a feeling of superiority over another group and therefore the person setting a double standard feels exempt from holding to the same rules that they established for the victim of the double standard. You've probably heard "What's good for the goose, is good for the gander", is an old saying alluding to gender double standards.  As I said, double standards are everywhere from home to politics, especially now.

For instance ... If it is racist for a white person to vote for a white person, then by the same logic it's racist for a black person to vote for a black person.  To vote for someone on the color of their skin whether for or against is wrong. It should be based on their performance, just like for any job. To not lose a job because of bad performance based on the color of their skin is just as racist.  At the end of the day, it should not be any form of issue, and the moment that someone makes it an issue, it's because they are hiding something, often in themselves.  Like anything else, it's not what someone says or is that defines them... it's what they do.

When I had an office in Forsyth, Ga a new officer, who happened to be white, was hired to come in and  to clean up the operation.  Based on the performance and the downright dirty dealings of the cops under him, he started firing people as was his right, and what he was hired to do. However the ones he fired happened to be black.  Therefore he was immediately labeled a racist, which damaged him and his efforts to clean things up.  Had he fired a white dirty cop, he would have been fine.  Regardless of the records of those who had been fired, labeling him a racist was a way to justify contempt, and sully his efforts.

At the same time, I knew a girl who worked with an ex-boyfriend.  She was black, and in general a sweetheart.  However when someone came in and was rude to her, she instantly assumed it was because they were a racist, regardless of the fact that they were rude to all the white staff as well. The person was just rude universally, however she took more offense than the white staff who were equally mistreated. It was justification for her rage and allowed her to feel singled out, regardless of the reality of the situation.  It was her own perceptions and persecution complex, which was completely separate from the reality of events.  Simply an outward expression of her own coloring of the situation by her own prejudices.

A member of my family had a job with a high black population in Middle Georgia.  It was a large company and there he was subject to "reverse racism" that continually hurt his career.  Though he had the skills, the intelligence, and jumped through every hoop, he was endlessly looked over for promotions, swallowing a lot of emotional abuse. He just mentioned one day that he felt like he was being discriminated against because he was white.  This was met with wide-eyed fear and a warning never to say that again. It was an ugly truth at this location, but any who dared voice it were met with harsh consequences in a double standard of whites tolerating blacks, but the reverse was forbidden from thought, much less doing something about it.  These kinds of situations are not reverse racism... they are racism. It's the same thing with a more politically correct banner.  It is not equality, it's pushing down those they felt pushed them down, and slapping guilt on every white person for a past that they never personally experienced.  In fact my ancestors were white and paid passage to America, when the ship captain decided he could get even more money by selling them all as slaves.  So guess what? My ancestors were in the same boat, even though they arrived on a different one.  It's the same old sympathy competition that is just a cover for entitlement.  The mentality thinks that because of this woe they have a right to more than what they have earned.  That's the core of entitlement, and entitlement leads to destructive personality disorders.

On the Christian front, I was often told by pagans that I was judgmental for not being into what they were doing, but at the same time if I made any human errors, they judged me harshly, because I was supposed to be Christian.  So I had much higher standards to live up to while they pretty much did as they pleased and wanted no one to say anything, including when they were hurting people. I've had pagan friends who were not like this, but it has happened more than once.  Some things are just universally wrong and destructive... and double standards are part of that, proven in the psychological damage of its innate unfairness. It's a way for a group to feel superior and subjugate another.  Just look at anyone in a position of power or authority that abuses it: preachers having affairs, employers who criticize but aren't allowed to be criticized, teachers who pick on one student as a scapegoat, ... it's everywhere.


So as you go through your week, perhaps examine your own intentions as well as others.  Is it more on who someone is or what they are.  People have a right to be different and still have access to all their rights, no matter how much you may disagree with them, so long as they aren't hurting someone else in the process.  At the same time, what someone is, does not excuse behavior that you would not tolerate in other circumstances. It does not excuse abusive behavior, abuse of power, or give them special privileges. Even Jesus said to be innocent as a dove and wise as a snake.  Try to be wise to the snakes around you, trying to wrap you in a double standard.


- When told by a female colleague about how a girl can pick the right guy, she said . . . "When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."

Chapter 37: Watch What They Do, Not What They Say, p. 146 

 The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

Watch a great video that nails double standards between men and women.

Nightmares

Just when I think I have a really good grasp on everything and feeling confident, my subconscious decides to ninja attack me with horrific nightmares about the ex.  Lots of people seem to think that all the bad was condensed into the last extreme event, but I was married to the bloke for almost a year, lasting longer than the previous 2 wives who left after 8 months. Most of that time I was not allowed out of his grasp, restricted in every way imaginable, and was somewhat forced to have sex every day whether I wanted to or not.  The ways in which this occurred were coercion, mocking me, defining a wife, religious manipulation, and every possible emotionally abusive technique under the sun.  He scoffed at my internet use and then used my email to get into porn sites to watch rape porn and incest porn.  I know this because I started getting notifications for new material after I left him.  After being turned on by abominable acts, he would come in where I was sleeping, roll me over and do his thing.  All of this I took in stride, trying to be a good little Christian wife, but it was toxic and wrong.

He would force me to do things that he know I hated, often waiting to spring them on me mid act.  If I began to bleed or hurt, he got so turned on that it was scary.  It became clear that the real things that got him off were subjugating me to increasingly humiliating and painful acts.  So in essence, he didn't rape me the one time, because the mentality was applied to my daily sex life with him... something I was still relatively new to, being that he was my first intercourse partner... Oh yeah and I said no the first time too, but he begged and pleaded until I lost my virginity to pity sex, after he told me that his mother raped him as a child.

My wedding day to the monster in 2001

The few times I tried to initiate sex during my marriage to the monster or attempt to enjoy it, a tantrum would ensue, and eventually lead to me curled into a ball crying at his rage.  The emotional attacks left me emotionally devastated, as he raged at how selfish I was, meanwhile being the reigning brat prince to throw tantrums when things were not just so, from how I dressed, to Christmas decorations (what would the neighbor's think?), to what I said and thought, to what I ate, to how groceries were supposed to be put on the conveyer belt at the grocery store. The message was clear... all I was to him was his toy/maid, his whipping boy, for his pleasure.

Most people would think that when I have nightmares that it's about the physical assault at the end, the kidnapping, the multiple rapes, and the intent to murder me.  Although that was the culmination of the abuse, in some ways it was less stressful.  That was clearly wrong to all by-standers.  Even emotional abusive people would probably agree on that one.  It was the event that finally got people to take notice and listen about the complaints I had, because he was so apt at glamouring people into thinking him the victim and projecting all his evils onto me.  At last people were willing to help me, when before he'd been manipulating people to get me back.

So when I have nightmares, it's not about the physical attack, it's about the emotional siege that I was under for a year of accumulating emotional damage.  It is about the charismatic lies that I'm still untangling, years later, that have continued to damage my reputation long after he was incarcerated.  It is about the stalking, the character assassination, the lies, the rage, and other people believing him.  There is nothing more frustrating or painful than reaching out for help and knowing that nobody has your back, that they would deny you aid because of religious notions.  It was this that forever changed me and my world view.  All the people who were "supposed" to protect and love me, were pushing me back with a monster because he was my "husband", a nomenclature that somehow excused any and all abuse.  I was screaming inside and no one listened, or if they did, they would justify his behavior or try to play devil's advocate, or just in general deny me the aid that I really needed.  It became abundantly clear that my husband was not the only misogynist in my life, and that my worth to others was far less because I was female.  Any and all reactions to my husband were labeled to me being crazy, regardless to behavior on his part.

Sidenote: Great article on calling women crazy. Read it here!

He was  SO good at manipulating people and so charismatic that he almost got released from prison for a picnic with his mom.  His excuse was that I was just crazy and trying to punish him.  When the victim role works on hardened prison guards, you know he's pretty effective. Of course when they contacted the detective, who put a stop to that, because the evidence of his crimes was pretty clear.

I hate lies and always have.  However being married to a psychopath made me hate them even more.  It's that which gives me nightmares, the way he seemed to manipulate and shape the world around him.  He would have people thinking day was night, and turn against me for speaking the truth.  So often that had been the way of it.  Whatever world warping abilities he had, stopped working on me, because there was this core of truth inside me that would scream NO! But often it was silenced.

I remember the exact day that everything changed.  Praying one night, I asked God to help me to see things as they really are.  At the time, I don't think I even meant in the context of my husband, but something else.  However I remember riding in the car with him the next day, and I ... saw ... him.  He turned his head, and to me it looked like there was a skull underneath that looked at me with dead eyes, moving just slightly out of sync.  There's really no way for me to sufficiently explain what I saw, and it may have been a byproduct of the immense emotional turmoil that I was subjected to on a daily basis.  But that moment is indelibly marked in my memory, never fading, nor what happened after.  Suddenly whatever hold he had over me was just ... gone.  His tricks stopped working, and it was almost as if I had been under a spell that had broken.  For the love of him... or at least the person he pretended to be when we were dating, I had done things that I normally would not have done.  I got something back after that, and he seemed dismayed that his power over me was gone. In response, he got increasingly scary. When he attacked me physically, I kung fued him. I was and am a fighter, body and soul. Now more than ever, I know that I can not depend on others to protect me or even support me.  If anything, I learned to trust myself more and others less. I threw off the shackles that others had bound me to all my life, and started really truly thinking for myself. This meant a re-evaluation of many of the beliefs that no longer fit with what I knew to be true.  It's a better place to be.

In my dreams, he's still playing the old games he always played and lying pathologically like he always did. That old frustration of speaking the truth and being called a liar, comes back to play havoc with me again.  It's been an ongoing theme in my life.  I remember from childhood my older brother who was so sure that I was wrong that he laughed when I brought him evidence to prove my point... and still denied it.  I remember telling on the boy who drowned me, and being called a liar for that as well. In fact most of the abusers in my life had that same theme. This was so foreign to me. When I was 3 I had told my mother that Tom and Jerry was starting at 3pm, but the network had changed the times. When they announced that on the television, I started bawling hysterically because I thought that God was going to strike me down right then and there.  Mom had to tell me that being mistaken and lying were different things, before I calmed down.  I can watch violence on TV and never bat an eye, but have a show where people are lying, and it ties me up in knots. Having been a stupid teenager, I have told a very scant few lies in my lifetime, but usually turned around and told the truth quickly thereafter. Certainly I've told far less than I've been accused of, but I didn't always have an iPhone to capture the crazy as it was happening. Sometimes I did...

Won the Mythbusters Sweepstakes...
obviously made that shit up!

There have been some extraordinary experiences in my life that are true, but people just don't want to believe it, because it hasn't happened to them, regardless of things like witnesses.  This mentality is especially frustrating and indicative of an absence of abstract thought.  However since two-thirds of people never reach the final stages of mental development, so it's more common than not.  Some days I feel like Diogenes, holding up a lantern, in search of an honest man.

The deception at the heart of emotional abuse, is what makes up my nightmares. Because every one that is believed causes subtle sometimes irreversible damage.  Someone comes at me with a physical blow or attacks me straight on emotionally, they are in for a battle.  But most abusers are too cowardly for actual confrontation. I might do something like use logic on them, and then what would they do? However, how do you fight a shadow?  You would think shining the light of truth on it would make it vanish, but shadows spread and hide from light.  All I can do is keep shining my own light, and forgive others that aren't that bright. Sure, my subconscious will occasionally decide to replay old frustrations, but it's just a dream.  In so many ways, I'm stronger than I was then. Despite others wanting to attribute preconceived notions to me, I survived, and I dare say that I took what happened and turned it into something positive. My trial by fire only ignited a fire in my hearth that has fueled a search for knowledge and a desire to go after my passions instead of extinguishing them for the pleasure of others. I only hope that I can help pass on that knowledge, so others can see things as they really are.

Here's a really good article on what it's like to deal with sociopaths.  As an empath, I've attracted my fair share, but they give a really good description of what it's like http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself

Cause and Effect

One of the major qualities in abusers that I have noticed has been an absence of consequences and an inability to see cause and effect.  I discussed that briefly in the emotional justification post, with emotional reasoning, but emotions can be quite logical.  They are responses to stimuli, whether real, chemical, or imagined.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction ... or for psychological purposes ... For every action there is an appropriate healthy response or an inappropriate unhealthy response.

When I say emotional abuse, this is not a one time occurrence where someone pushes your buttons and you lose your cool. Emotional abuse is a pervasive pattern that infects personal relationships.  It's something that is ingrained and expressed regularly in bad behaviors that are damaging to interpersonal relationships and the people who enter them with the abusive person.

One of the problems seen in abusers is that someone unable to cope with emotions, themselves, often find it easier to control other people than themselves.  This often results in one emotionally out of control mate, controlling the other who becomes afraid to express feelings.  This repression of emotion can be very damaging, and cause things such as depression.  However the emotionally out of control will rarely correlate their behavior to its consequences in others.  Often the person they target seems a little reserved to start with that attracts the abuser, because they themselves have unhealthy practices such as repression developed from their own dysfunctional family. Ultimately the relationship will be unfulfilling for both, because it is at its core, unhealthy.

Although feelings are the name of their game, and they float along them, obeying their every whim, the expression of those feelings in a negative way can be very destructive to others, and requires a certain amount of emotional responsibility and a grasp of cause and effect to sort through to recovery. This may be harder for some than others.  Adults who were sexually abused as children often develop a larger than normal occipital lobe, which controls emotions.  When they feel emotions, they can be truly overwhelming and far more powerful to overcome than the average healthy brain.  This is not an excuse though. I've seen people who suffered similar experiences, and the difference was that one used it as a crutch to excuse unacceptable behavior and the other used it as fuel to grow and change, becoming a lady I truly respect. One of the major differences in the healthy person was addressing the issues, understanding their affect, and growing past it.  Meanwhile the unhealthy one used it to garner attention, use it as a crutch, and then do whatever she wanted, using substances to avoid confronting the pain and issues.  Thereby she deteriorated, while the healthier reaction prospered.

Understanding cause and effect is key to healthier emotional choices. Here is where the logic of emotions plays in  ... There are 3 main causes of anger : fear, pain, and frustration.  Often when people are angry the unhealthy person lashes out at that which angered it, a person, a thing, maybe physically attacking it.  A healthy person would understand that it was a behavior that upset them, possibly pointing that out in a way such as "when you do this, it upsets me..."  That's an acknowledgement of cause and effect, the behavior is addressed instead of a generalized value judgement on the person who they may love but be unable to grasp the many facets of or comprehend the reactions of.

Often this comes with emotional maturity, and abusive behavior is a by-product of undeveloped minds who never bothered to reason through why they felt a certain way or if it was even valid to feel that way. They simply react.  

I've been through enough, and examined my own mind enough to know why certain things upset me.  I was jumped while painting, so when people stand behind me, when I paint, I can't focus, because some part of me is waiting to be attacked.  When people pace, I get anxious because the ex would pace thinking of new ways to violate me between rapes.  However, I know what caused these feelings. I know where they come from and they are a logical reaction to my circumstances.  Also I know that it is not right for me to punish someone else for what he did, and that it is for me to deal with or politely ask them to leave me be so I can focus. However if someone is asked to stop, and not stopping, that's a disrespect of boundaries and a line has been crossed by them.

Emotional abusers don't have that much thought into their reactions.  They feel and lash out.  Because of emotions being undeveloped and something to fear in the emotionally immature, they react with fight or flight its presence.  A sociopath will attempt to WIN this battle relentlessly.  A passive aggressive will retreat, but you will pay for it later in a dozen little ways. A narcissist will feign haughty dis-concern or attack is he feels his delusions are threatened. All of which never truly combat the actual problem or lead to emotional development.  They are quick fixes to salve the impending emotion, and ward it away.  This is one reason it is so hard to have an emotionally healthy relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person.  Although they may nurse wounds real or imagined from you, blaming you for all their ills from their lack of success to the black plague, their own actions are expected to have no consequence.  They cannot comprehend their lies damaging trust when discovered. They cannot comprehend that their lack of concern for their mate's emotions in the shadow of a tantrum might push their mate away.  They cannot fathom that the guilt trips they continuously lose eventually begin to wear thin and lose their effect.  

This is why emotional abusers often hop from relationship to relationship, because it's easier to start over than contend with the emotional damage that they have wrought or consequences to their behavior which seems perfectly acceptable or justifiable to them.

The worst thing you can do if you genuinely care for someone is waive accountability.  In essence you are dealing with an emotional child, someone who hasn't matured past kindergarten and possibly was the byproduct of an immature parent.  They've learned how to skirt accountability from a young age, sweet talking their parents, or manipulating their friends.  So it's up to you to establish firm boundaries if you are planning to have a relationship with them.  Those boundaries must be kept and consequences assigned to them. "If you cheat on me, that's a deal breaker". It seems like something that doesn't need to be said, but with the emotionally immature it does.  They don't know how to have a healthy relationship, because they have developed unhealthy habits to get what they think that they need, meanwhile avoiding consequences and maturation.  Blanket forgiveness to these people is enabling them more than alleviating their pain.  They see a boundary they've pushed and thereby will see how far they can push it. Don't let them. Inform them that their "behavior" is destructive.  Help them see the effects that their actions cause... or show them the consequences by leaving an unhealthy relationship.  Thing is, you have to be willing to take accountability too, for your part.  It's not a one way street to a healthy relationship.  You can't remain silent and think it will work itself out. You can't be afraid to speak and voice your own needs.  Relationships are built on trust, not fear.