Nightmares

Just when I think I have a really good grasp on everything and feeling confident, my subconscious decides to ninja attack me with horrific nightmares about the ex.  Lots of people seem to think that all the bad was condensed into the last extreme event, but I was married to the bloke for almost a year, lasting longer than the previous 2 wives who left after 8 months. Most of that time I was not allowed out of his grasp, restricted in every way imaginable, and was somewhat forced to have sex every day whether I wanted to or not.  The ways in which this occurred were coercion, mocking me, defining a wife, religious manipulation, and every possible emotionally abusive technique under the sun.  He scoffed at my internet use and then used my email to get into porn sites to watch rape porn and incest porn.  I know this because I started getting notifications for new material after I left him.  After being turned on by abominable acts, he would come in where I was sleeping, roll me over and do his thing.  All of this I took in stride, trying to be a good little Christian wife, but it was toxic and wrong.

He would force me to do things that he know I hated, often waiting to spring them on me mid act.  If I began to bleed or hurt, he got so turned on that it was scary.  It became clear that the real things that got him off were subjugating me to increasingly humiliating and painful acts.  So in essence, he didn't rape me the one time, because the mentality was applied to my daily sex life with him... something I was still relatively new to, being that he was my first intercourse partner... Oh yeah and I said no the first time too, but he begged and pleaded until I lost my virginity to pity sex, after he told me that his mother raped him as a child.

My wedding day to the monster in 2001

The few times I tried to initiate sex during my marriage to the monster or attempt to enjoy it, a tantrum would ensue, and eventually lead to me curled into a ball crying at his rage.  The emotional attacks left me emotionally devastated, as he raged at how selfish I was, meanwhile being the reigning brat prince to throw tantrums when things were not just so, from how I dressed, to Christmas decorations (what would the neighbor's think?), to what I said and thought, to what I ate, to how groceries were supposed to be put on the conveyer belt at the grocery store. The message was clear... all I was to him was his toy/maid, his whipping boy, for his pleasure.

Most people would think that when I have nightmares that it's about the physical assault at the end, the kidnapping, the multiple rapes, and the intent to murder me.  Although that was the culmination of the abuse, in some ways it was less stressful.  That was clearly wrong to all by-standers.  Even emotional abusive people would probably agree on that one.  It was the event that finally got people to take notice and listen about the complaints I had, because he was so apt at glamouring people into thinking him the victim and projecting all his evils onto me.  At last people were willing to help me, when before he'd been manipulating people to get me back.

So when I have nightmares, it's not about the physical attack, it's about the emotional siege that I was under for a year of accumulating emotional damage.  It is about the charismatic lies that I'm still untangling, years later, that have continued to damage my reputation long after he was incarcerated.  It is about the stalking, the character assassination, the lies, the rage, and other people believing him.  There is nothing more frustrating or painful than reaching out for help and knowing that nobody has your back, that they would deny you aid because of religious notions.  It was this that forever changed me and my world view.  All the people who were "supposed" to protect and love me, were pushing me back with a monster because he was my "husband", a nomenclature that somehow excused any and all abuse.  I was screaming inside and no one listened, or if they did, they would justify his behavior or try to play devil's advocate, or just in general deny me the aid that I really needed.  It became abundantly clear that my husband was not the only misogynist in my life, and that my worth to others was far less because I was female.  Any and all reactions to my husband were labeled to me being crazy, regardless to behavior on his part.

Sidenote: Great article on calling women crazy. Read it here!

He was  SO good at manipulating people and so charismatic that he almost got released from prison for a picnic with his mom.  His excuse was that I was just crazy and trying to punish him.  When the victim role works on hardened prison guards, you know he's pretty effective. Of course when they contacted the detective, who put a stop to that, because the evidence of his crimes was pretty clear.

I hate lies and always have.  However being married to a psychopath made me hate them even more.  It's that which gives me nightmares, the way he seemed to manipulate and shape the world around him.  He would have people thinking day was night, and turn against me for speaking the truth.  So often that had been the way of it.  Whatever world warping abilities he had, stopped working on me, because there was this core of truth inside me that would scream NO! But often it was silenced.

I remember the exact day that everything changed.  Praying one night, I asked God to help me to see things as they really are.  At the time, I don't think I even meant in the context of my husband, but something else.  However I remember riding in the car with him the next day, and I ... saw ... him.  He turned his head, and to me it looked like there was a skull underneath that looked at me with dead eyes, moving just slightly out of sync.  There's really no way for me to sufficiently explain what I saw, and it may have been a byproduct of the immense emotional turmoil that I was subjected to on a daily basis.  But that moment is indelibly marked in my memory, never fading, nor what happened after.  Suddenly whatever hold he had over me was just ... gone.  His tricks stopped working, and it was almost as if I had been under a spell that had broken.  For the love of him... or at least the person he pretended to be when we were dating, I had done things that I normally would not have done.  I got something back after that, and he seemed dismayed that his power over me was gone. In response, he got increasingly scary. When he attacked me physically, I kung fued him. I was and am a fighter, body and soul. Now more than ever, I know that I can not depend on others to protect me or even support me.  If anything, I learned to trust myself more and others less. I threw off the shackles that others had bound me to all my life, and started really truly thinking for myself. This meant a re-evaluation of many of the beliefs that no longer fit with what I knew to be true.  It's a better place to be.

In my dreams, he's still playing the old games he always played and lying pathologically like he always did. That old frustration of speaking the truth and being called a liar, comes back to play havoc with me again.  It's been an ongoing theme in my life.  I remember from childhood my older brother who was so sure that I was wrong that he laughed when I brought him evidence to prove my point... and still denied it.  I remember telling on the boy who drowned me, and being called a liar for that as well. In fact most of the abusers in my life had that same theme. This was so foreign to me. When I was 3 I had told my mother that Tom and Jerry was starting at 3pm, but the network had changed the times. When they announced that on the television, I started bawling hysterically because I thought that God was going to strike me down right then and there.  Mom had to tell me that being mistaken and lying were different things, before I calmed down.  I can watch violence on TV and never bat an eye, but have a show where people are lying, and it ties me up in knots. Having been a stupid teenager, I have told a very scant few lies in my lifetime, but usually turned around and told the truth quickly thereafter. Certainly I've told far less than I've been accused of, but I didn't always have an iPhone to capture the crazy as it was happening. Sometimes I did...

Won the Mythbusters Sweepstakes...
obviously made that shit up!

There have been some extraordinary experiences in my life that are true, but people just don't want to believe it, because it hasn't happened to them, regardless of things like witnesses.  This mentality is especially frustrating and indicative of an absence of abstract thought.  However since two-thirds of people never reach the final stages of mental development, so it's more common than not.  Some days I feel like Diogenes, holding up a lantern, in search of an honest man.

The deception at the heart of emotional abuse, is what makes up my nightmares. Because every one that is believed causes subtle sometimes irreversible damage.  Someone comes at me with a physical blow or attacks me straight on emotionally, they are in for a battle.  But most abusers are too cowardly for actual confrontation. I might do something like use logic on them, and then what would they do? However, how do you fight a shadow?  You would think shining the light of truth on it would make it vanish, but shadows spread and hide from light.  All I can do is keep shining my own light, and forgive others that aren't that bright. Sure, my subconscious will occasionally decide to replay old frustrations, but it's just a dream.  In so many ways, I'm stronger than I was then. Despite others wanting to attribute preconceived notions to me, I survived, and I dare say that I took what happened and turned it into something positive. My trial by fire only ignited a fire in my hearth that has fueled a search for knowledge and a desire to go after my passions instead of extinguishing them for the pleasure of others. I only hope that I can help pass on that knowledge, so others can see things as they really are.

Here's a really good article on what it's like to deal with sociopaths.  As an empath, I've attracted my fair share, but they give a really good description of what it's like http://www.sott.net/article/268449-Empathic-people-are-natural-targets-for-sociopaths-protect-yourself