Cause and Effect

One of the major qualities in abusers that I have noticed has been an absence of consequences and an inability to see cause and effect.  I discussed that briefly in the emotional justification post, with emotional reasoning, but emotions can be quite logical.  They are responses to stimuli, whether real, chemical, or imagined.  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction ... or for psychological purposes ... For every action there is an appropriate healthy response or an inappropriate unhealthy response.

When I say emotional abuse, this is not a one time occurrence where someone pushes your buttons and you lose your cool. Emotional abuse is a pervasive pattern that infects personal relationships.  It's something that is ingrained and expressed regularly in bad behaviors that are damaging to interpersonal relationships and the people who enter them with the abusive person.

One of the problems seen in abusers is that someone unable to cope with emotions, themselves, often find it easier to control other people than themselves.  This often results in one emotionally out of control mate, controlling the other who becomes afraid to express feelings.  This repression of emotion can be very damaging, and cause things such as depression.  However the emotionally out of control will rarely correlate their behavior to its consequences in others.  Often the person they target seems a little reserved to start with that attracts the abuser, because they themselves have unhealthy practices such as repression developed from their own dysfunctional family. Ultimately the relationship will be unfulfilling for both, because it is at its core, unhealthy.

Although feelings are the name of their game, and they float along them, obeying their every whim, the expression of those feelings in a negative way can be very destructive to others, and requires a certain amount of emotional responsibility and a grasp of cause and effect to sort through to recovery. This may be harder for some than others.  Adults who were sexually abused as children often develop a larger than normal occipital lobe, which controls emotions.  When they feel emotions, they can be truly overwhelming and far more powerful to overcome than the average healthy brain.  This is not an excuse though. I've seen people who suffered similar experiences, and the difference was that one used it as a crutch to excuse unacceptable behavior and the other used it as fuel to grow and change, becoming a lady I truly respect. One of the major differences in the healthy person was addressing the issues, understanding their affect, and growing past it.  Meanwhile the unhealthy one used it to garner attention, use it as a crutch, and then do whatever she wanted, using substances to avoid confronting the pain and issues.  Thereby she deteriorated, while the healthier reaction prospered.

Understanding cause and effect is key to healthier emotional choices. Here is where the logic of emotions plays in  ... There are 3 main causes of anger : fear, pain, and frustration.  Often when people are angry the unhealthy person lashes out at that which angered it, a person, a thing, maybe physically attacking it.  A healthy person would understand that it was a behavior that upset them, possibly pointing that out in a way such as "when you do this, it upsets me..."  That's an acknowledgement of cause and effect, the behavior is addressed instead of a generalized value judgement on the person who they may love but be unable to grasp the many facets of or comprehend the reactions of.

Often this comes with emotional maturity, and abusive behavior is a by-product of undeveloped minds who never bothered to reason through why they felt a certain way or if it was even valid to feel that way. They simply react.  

I've been through enough, and examined my own mind enough to know why certain things upset me.  I was jumped while painting, so when people stand behind me, when I paint, I can't focus, because some part of me is waiting to be attacked.  When people pace, I get anxious because the ex would pace thinking of new ways to violate me between rapes.  However, I know what caused these feelings. I know where they come from and they are a logical reaction to my circumstances.  Also I know that it is not right for me to punish someone else for what he did, and that it is for me to deal with or politely ask them to leave me be so I can focus. However if someone is asked to stop, and not stopping, that's a disrespect of boundaries and a line has been crossed by them.

Emotional abusers don't have that much thought into their reactions.  They feel and lash out.  Because of emotions being undeveloped and something to fear in the emotionally immature, they react with fight or flight its presence.  A sociopath will attempt to WIN this battle relentlessly.  A passive aggressive will retreat, but you will pay for it later in a dozen little ways. A narcissist will feign haughty dis-concern or attack is he feels his delusions are threatened. All of which never truly combat the actual problem or lead to emotional development.  They are quick fixes to salve the impending emotion, and ward it away.  This is one reason it is so hard to have an emotionally healthy relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person.  Although they may nurse wounds real or imagined from you, blaming you for all their ills from their lack of success to the black plague, their own actions are expected to have no consequence.  They cannot comprehend their lies damaging trust when discovered. They cannot comprehend that their lack of concern for their mate's emotions in the shadow of a tantrum might push their mate away.  They cannot fathom that the guilt trips they continuously lose eventually begin to wear thin and lose their effect.  

This is why emotional abusers often hop from relationship to relationship, because it's easier to start over than contend with the emotional damage that they have wrought or consequences to their behavior which seems perfectly acceptable or justifiable to them.

The worst thing you can do if you genuinely care for someone is waive accountability.  In essence you are dealing with an emotional child, someone who hasn't matured past kindergarten and possibly was the byproduct of an immature parent.  They've learned how to skirt accountability from a young age, sweet talking their parents, or manipulating their friends.  So it's up to you to establish firm boundaries if you are planning to have a relationship with them.  Those boundaries must be kept and consequences assigned to them. "If you cheat on me, that's a deal breaker". It seems like something that doesn't need to be said, but with the emotionally immature it does.  They don't know how to have a healthy relationship, because they have developed unhealthy habits to get what they think that they need, meanwhile avoiding consequences and maturation.  Blanket forgiveness to these people is enabling them more than alleviating their pain.  They see a boundary they've pushed and thereby will see how far they can push it. Don't let them. Inform them that their "behavior" is destructive.  Help them see the effects that their actions cause... or show them the consequences by leaving an unhealthy relationship.  Thing is, you have to be willing to take accountability too, for your part.  It's not a one way street to a healthy relationship.  You can't remain silent and think it will work itself out. You can't be afraid to speak and voice your own needs.  Relationships are built on trust, not fear.