Logic Time

Atrocities are the byproduct of a need for control and so is the aftermath. Shootings are very emotional events, and like with anyone who has been exposed to violence, they want to make sure it never happens again. Most people want someone to blame. They want punishment of anyone who might ever do such a thing, and to control the situation. Ironic since the person committing the crime seems the least blamed, and that the event happened out of their need for control.

 If people are willing to break the law to kill innocent people, what makes you think a law will stop them? This is not how you stop these people, because they are already seeking to break the law by killing people! Only people who don't understand psychology think laws are preventative with people who have no regard for boundaries. They only help you prosecute after the crime has been committed. 

Shooters are predators, and predators choose "weak" prey that are least likely to fight back, which is why MOST shootings happen in gun free zones.  Armed citizens have proven to reduce casualties in an active shooter situation, as does fighting back. California has the strictest gun laws in the country and they did not help. Shooters attempt to do the most damage with the least amount of risk to themselves. Anyone who wants to hurt you, will try to weaken you to prevent you from fighting back.  In abusive situations, they will try to remove a support group of outside people that they view as a threat or tear down your confidence to keep you from leaving.  They use rules, laws, and guilt to keep you from fighting back, while they feel above such things. They keep you dependent. Dependent is seen as weak, because it means you cannot defend yourself. The moment you have to depend on someone else for your safety, you are vulnerable.

All the psychopaths I have known, leaned
politically toward liberal Democrat. Though they
themselves did not care much about obeying laws,
they were keen on controlling everyone else's rights.

In most violent situations, you are going to be on your own, and your own response time is going to make the difference. It's time to stop expecting the government to protect you and make everything okay. The police are not psychic superheroes that jump in to save you before you get hurt. They cannot do anything until after a crime has already been committed, which means, damage has already been done, and damage can be done in seconds instead of the minutes it takes for help to arrive. So it is essential to have some knowledge to defend yourself. Just the sheer act of practicing self defense will make you more capable in a situation. When my ex threw a punch at me, my muscle memory acted on reflex before my brain could kick in or freak out. My reflexes could respond then, when in less prepared situations, I froze. When something happens so outside your normal world, it is very natural to freeze or hesitate as your brain has never encountered such a situation. Only preparing can overcome that resistance to accept something outside the norm. Your best defense is to learn to defend yourself, because even if something does happen, the sheer act of fighting back will help you deal with being a victim better. Get your own gun or take martial arts. And always be aware of your surroundings and exits. This is not just for shooters but muggers, rapists, and violent exes. I've had some scary and painful first dates. You just never know who is going to be antisocial. 

The people who will attack you in any of these situations are not normal people gone bad. They are what are known as antisocial, which is NOT introverted. Antisocial means against society, also known as sociopaths or psychopaths, who have no respect for the rules of society and pride themselves in getting around those rules. They have no guilt or empathy and in the case of psychopaths will actually draw pleasure from hurting you, which is very aberrant brain activity, making up a single digit percentage of the population. These same people steal, lie, and manipulate for a feeling of power and control. They are NOT normal law-abiding gun owners. If you want to blame a "group" that is responsible, blame psychopaths, and realize that they do not respond to the normal constraints of normal people and are incurable, unreasonable, and capable of anything. Antisocial personalities can be any sex, religion, or culture. They look just like everybody else, which makes quick judgments difficult for media and other head hunters looking for someone to blame. You can only tell them by their behavior or a brain scan. But chances are, this is a pattern and not a one time instance. Even if they aren't overtly breaking laws... or at least getting caught breaking the law, they are likely parasitic in their relationships and there are signs of their disregard for boundaries. 

Owning a gun does not instantly make someone antisocial. It has been proven that people with their conceal carry are some of the most trustworthy law-abiding citizens. Much gun crime is done by repeat offenders, who are not allowed weapons anyhow, while shooters often have little gun experience. So the dude going down to the range to shoot once a week is more likely to be the one you want at your back if something does go down than the person you should be afraid of committing the crime. He's already law abiding. Meanwhile the thug with the rap sheet as long as his arm who should still be in jail, probably stole said gun or got it illegally. A thug is not going to let on that he owns one. The real threats to society are those who are already antisocial / anti-society. It is more difficult to outlaw a personality disorder that belongs to many CEOs and politicians running this country, because they expressed their need for power over others differently.

Gun control has not improved the situation. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. We have more gun control and more shooters. They are increasing at the same rate. It's not working, because that is not the root of the problem. I live near Kennesaw, Ga which began to require all it's citizens to be armed, in opposition to the increasing gun control. The result was that crime all but evaporated and criminals started targeting the surrounding "weaker" cities instead. The one shooter incident that happened in Kennesaw was in the one gun free zone, the Post Office. Someone tried to carjack in Kennesaw and was instantly taken down by an armed citizen. 

Part of the mentality that is the growing problem is thinking of the government as a god that can alter the universe with a vote.  You are not entitled to be taken care of, and you cannot outlaw a mental condition that has been around since the dawn of time. While psychopaths show up with brain scans, sociopathy, or learned anti-social behavior does not. So we have to do something that we should have been doing from the start, judging people on their own personal actions and not their attributes or accoutrements. The government is not a god, not your parents there to take care of you, because you don't want to grow up and take responsibility. It is our country and our responsibility to care for it and our neighbors. We have become complacent and need to get actively involved with our own protection. We need to be able to identify those with antisocial psychiatric risks and stop letting antisocial violent criminals out of prison to make room for non-violent victimless drug users. Stop targeting innocent people and looking for blame. If you want to control something. Take control of yourself, and prepare for emergencies. In all of history, our generation has been blessed to live in a time of relative peace that has allowed us to grow and progress at an abnormal rate. However, that is not the norm. It is a fragile state and must be maintained by us. We can't just delegate our security to someone else and expect them to take it as seriously. You are a statistic to the government. It's up to you, what kind of statistic you are. 

Money and the Dark Triad

Before we get started, I'll let Wikipedia define the Dark Triad. As I seem to attract all three and they have traits that overlap and make it hard to distinguish between a self centered narcissist and a self obsessed sociopath or psychopath. Due to this overlap I'm going to refer to my observations about the malignant personality types as the triad though some may apply more to narcissists and some more to psychopaths. However they each qualify under malevolent qualities. All three of these are self-absorbed liars and manipulators, who lack empathy and exploit others. While they may be different flavors of crap, they're still all steaming piles of crap.

The dark triad ^[1] is a group of three personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.^[2][3][4] Use of the term "dark" implies that these traits have malevolent qualities:^[5][6][7][8]

• Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy.^[9]
• Machiavellianism is characterized by manipulation and exploitation of others, a cynical disregard for morality, and a focus on self-interest and deception.^[10]
• Psychopathy is characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, impulsivity, selfishness, callousness, and remorselessness.^[11]

The Dark Triad tends to be attracted to a certain type of person, whether you want to call it empathetic, empaths, codependent, care giver, or just kind or caring people, the triad considers these people to be ripe pickings for their dramas, because the caring and empathy they lack or only pretend to have is seen as a weakness that is easy to manipulate. You'll often find more than one empath around one of the triad, as they tend to use their poison on multiple people. However you may notice that the triad will cycle through these people, and once they've used one up, another one is already waiting in the wings to be manipulated. There's a high turn over rate for those close to one of the triad, and those who stay are either being manipulated through fear, guilt, and false hope or abundantly patient, waiting on the person to change into the act they first met. 

They will not change. The problem is that there is absolutely no cure for psychopathy, as their brain is literally wired wrong to enjoy causing pain. The prognosis for the rest of the triad is not so good either. Machs are often proud of what they are, and narcissists enjoy their malevolent behavior as well. The only person who can cure a narcissist is themselves, but as they lack the empathy to care about how they hurt others, they aren't often interested in changing. Besides, there's another person waiting to be their bitch, especially if they are attractive. So if you love one of the triad, you either need to have some seriously strong boundaries and know how to keep them from violating yours (which takes more energy than most people have). If not, you need to get out and accept that a relationship is only as healthy as its only unhealthiest member, and they are pretty much as unhealthy as it gets, with no hope of improvement. This is why I find it necessary to attempt to help educate people, so they won't have to suffer through the same things I have, time and again as I tried to reason with the unreasonable. Unfortunately if you are someone who has been abused, you attract and are often attracted to abusers. Victims will repeat the cycle until dealing with the core of the original abuse, understanding yourself and your motivations, and learning to spot red flags early on. So maybe this will help highlight some red flags.

Money is Power, and they are all about power. As the Dark Triad is all about power and control, you can expect money to be one of the big focuses of a malignant triad. They are wheelers and dealers, concerned with seeing how much they can get, while giving the least. This is more than the simple pleasures of finding something on sale or saving money, because they are often impulsive spendthrifts on themselves.  Instead it's about manipulating people. It's a power rush for a triad to control something. So you can count on them to attempt to "mojo" others into giving them something for nothing or at least less. The name of the game is (and I've heard this exact phrase out of a few) "I want to see how much money I can get out of them" or "Let me mojo them, I bet I can make them to give it to me". This is often a point of pride to a triad to be able to not just get a good deal but to "talk them into it". The more they can get out of someone, the more powerful and reaffirmed in their specialness they feel. 

They probably have bad credit. This is more common among antisocial behavior (antisocial equates to sociopathic NOT introverted), but still holds true across the board for the more malignant exploitive sides of the disorders. While one of the triad may try to control their partner's spending, psychopaths especially are very impulsive and can't seem to budget or control their own spending, so they control the one person with control, you. Often debts are ignored, including any contributions that the triad feels entitled to in order to dig them out of their financial hole. This hand up is often treated with ungratefulness or entitlement, as if they were deserving of it. Work done for them will often go unpaid or bills ignored unless there is some sort of penalty to keep them in check. They hate these penalties and any repercussions for their late payments, because accountability is foreign and unfair to them. If someone has haggled you on getting work cheap, they tend to also be the ones less likely to pay up or not have it when the time comes. They rarely hold up their end of the bargain. This disregard for others and entitlement means that student loans get evaded, taxes don't get filed, and workers go unpaid, while the triad lines their own coffers. 

Gifts come with strings attached. If they do spend money on you, they want something. This is the guy who feels entitled to sex, because he bought you dinner. Also it is the person who bought you a present and now thinks they have the right to tell you what to do with it. Or it is the person who now uses a gift as power over you in some way. This is more than someone who gives and gives and then feels unappreciated and explodes. That's usually the victim who is a giver while the triad often a taker or parasite. The triad simply will use what they can to elicit the responses they want out of people, and while they seem unconcerned with what they owe, they also are the first to say "you owe me". They tend to ignore thousands of dollars spent on them, but if they spend a dollar, you should be grateful, and look at what they do for you. When they give, often they don't give you what you want/need, but what they think you should have. My ex, knowing I hate anything on my wrists, bought me a watch and then got mad that I didn't wear it, and well, my dad did the same damn thing. Both knew from the start that I hated watches, and though I tended to be on time or early, they still insisted not only on buying me one, but griping that I never wore it.
If they find out you have money, they'll find a way to spend it... on them. Controlling the money means controlling people and debasing the power of others. The triad wants to be in control and believes they are the only ones worthy of being in control or wielding power. So they want to control the money and how it is spent to make sure their victim is without power, in some cases the power to leave. They will always make their need seem greater than yours. My ex didn't want me to work, because he wanted to keep me financially dependent. Then when I did work, he would spend my entire paycheck so I couldn't. Once, my mother gave me some money, just for me, and the moment he discovered I had it, he repurposed it immediately. This is the same person that one day ran off without a word, emptied the bank account, leaving me $40 to my name. He then "lost" $700... about the running rate for cocaine and whores, I've been told. He then, as psychopaths cannot conceive cause and effect, could not understand why I got a separate bank account. Meanwhile I was forbidden to spend money on myself, and if I bought anything, I would be reamed for it. At the same time he was constantly bringing home things from Belks where he was a manager. For my birthday, he invited me to the store he worked at and made me pick out and buy my own present with my own damned money, but it had to be what he wanted me to have, lingerie.
They are both nicer to people with money and jealous of them. The way to control money is to manipulate people who have it. Almost every member of the triad I've known was far nicer to people with money but could be a down right bastard to people without... even if they themselves happen to be poor due to mismanagement of their own money. That's because they only care about people as far as they can use them and view most people as there to serve their needs like some disinherited royalty. At the same time I saw many of them kissing ass in public, when we were alone there was often a great deal of jealousy and resentment that the triad somehow thought they deserved the wealth, fame, attention, or influence more. This is in spite of any hard work or savvy the powerful person needed to attain said power. But the triad moreso narcissists/psychopaths are too busy being jealous and entitled to take note of the work it took to get there, not understanding cause and affect as well as they think. Meanwhile Machs tend to take notes and learn more than wasting time being jealous. The more egocentric of the triad want to not only be in control, but sole control, and don't want anyone else to have more than them, so they can live by their own rules and not have to answer to anyone. Seeing people who possess what they want, burns these extreme egos. They are rarely happy for other people's success unless they are actively using those people to reach their own to be center stage.

Materialism. Possessions are about Power. If the dark triad have any love languages, it's gifts and words of affirmation, receiving both, not actually giving like people who actually are capable of genuine love. They are groomers of their own image, because they know that image is how they manipulate people, so they use things to enhance that image. It translates into power. Whether it's a spiffy wardrobe, a fancy car, a big house, or the newest gadget, they are not only keeping up with the Joneses, they want to be the Joneses. Narcissists' big tell is a need for narcissistic supply, or people to inflate their ego. This narcissistic supply comes from people telling them how awesome they are, whether it's beauty, intelligence, or some other facet which they believe entitles them to special treatment. They chafe at the "negativity" and feelings of others, also known as "reality", but they themselves are very negative and extremely harsh critics, when it comes judging others. They use this to make psychopathic fiction of their specialness and superiority in order to contrast and make themselves look better. Triads surround themselves with caring people who constantly tell them what they want to hear and revile those who poke holes in their bubbles with honesty or logic. This double standard ensures that they are receiving, not giving, because they feel above even their own rules. Their obsession with possessions is just an extension of their obsession with power and control. While they often have no concern for how they treat your stuff, in a relationship they tend to be "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine". This is the ignoring of boundaries at play. And antisocial triads have no qualms about just taking things to prove they can, and find the power play an amusing game. The bigger problem is that when it comes to acquiring "things"... YOU may be considered one of these acquisitions. I had one person who I was engaged to, treat me like a tool and offer me to someone else to do art for them without asking me in the least, while I was sitting right there. "Oh, Lindsay will do that for you." "Excuse me?" Psychopaths' proto-emotion of caring is often with the person they care about as a form of property. My exhusband who had 3 short-lived marriages before me, often referred to me as "my wife", dehumanizing me and indicating that I was little more than property. The operative word to them is "MY", which is all that matters to them. The triad acquire things and people to help them meet their goals to attain power, even if they go about it in different ways. While those objectified people may be expendable and interchangeable, it's the power attached to them that carries actual meaning to a triad, such as having an attractive mate, but who is inside that mate doesn't matter. One poster child for narcissism, and admitted Peter Pan complex (which is the same thing) used to attempt to devalue his exes by sending them chocolates to make them fat after a break up. Because at their core, the triad cares most about looks and controlling the perception of others. It couldn't be the break up had anything to do with him being a giant prick. He had to make it seem like she was no longer worthy of him, and make sure everyone else felt that way too by devaluing her, instead of looking too closely at him.
All the world's a stage. If anything, the triad are good actors. Psychopaths and sociopaths, though actually lacking in empathy are mimics who can put on a good show of being an empath, but it's all empty and surface level. It's merely part of how they draw victims in and never lasts once they get you where they want you. Ted Bundy pretended to be injured to get kind people to help him so he could lure them away to be killed. He set the stage and drew them in. Narcissists and Machs too, are about setting the stage for their intrigues, as well.  Narcissists make big entrances, soaking up as much of the spotlight as possible, while Machs are often pulling strings back stage. They all wear masks while hiding their true selves, and ruining anyone who tries to reveal the truth about them. Once, my ex told me to "act nice" if you get pulled over and they'll let you off. He often advised me how to "act", because he couldn't BE or even conceive of BEING nice. If you turned your back, you'd see how ugly he truly was. He told me how he learned to make himself cry on stage by staring into the light to make his eyes water, and then I caught him doing it while trying to make me feel sorry for him. But a good actor, needs a set, a stage, and that's where money comes in. One of the reasons I have come to loathe Christmas, was because of my ex's obsession with making everything LOOK perfect. Meanwhile I was in a torturously abusive relationship inside that house. He cared more about how strangers perceived how happy we must be from the outside, than the atrocities inside, and he treated his own body the same way. He was always a sharp dresser and loved the attention. He spent more on clothes and hair product than I ever did, and people responded to him more than they ever did me. I guess when you don't care about people just perception, there's no need for social anxiety. With the stage set, he played the good Christian in front of my folks for Christmas, forcing them to watch Jesus of Nazereth, when in truth he was the leader of a wiccan coven. It was just a shell game. He used his purchases to play the pristine soul and cover the stench of the rotting corpse that lay within. These performances helped him turn people against me time and time again to where I was not only being victimized by him, but by everyone else forcing him on me as well. They always bought the act, which is all he ever had to give. And most people don't take the time to look very deep past their glamours.

It's all about them. There was a story once of a man who found a credit card in the parking lot. Instead of turning it in, he used it to buy a meal with his buddies. This same man had $250 cash on him, and was a millionaire. I guarantee he was one of the dark triad. They don't do this out of any need. They aren't Aladdin stealing bread because they are starving. At the end of the day it's all about them, and what they get out of it. They aren't concerned with paying people what they're worth, because they aren't really concerned with other people outside of how it affects them and what they can get out of it. Funny how someone who treats you like crap and makes you feel horrible about yourself, only does so, so you will sell yourself short and give them the milk for free. At the end of the day, they know you're worth... They just don't want to have to pay for it. 

If you have one of the dark triad breaking you down, odds are that while they are tearing you down telling you what's wrong with you, they are doing so because of what's right with you. They've found something good and they know it. And all the vile things spill out of what is wrong with them far more than what is wrong with you. Healthy people don't go around destroying others and stomping all over their boundaries. If any of this sounds familiar, please seek counseling, because of the inevitable emotional damage they will wreak upon you, but know that counseling will not help a member of the dark triad. These malignant personalities will just use therapy to either become better at manipulating people, or manipulate the therapist into another way to control you. Mine wrapped one therapist around his finger and was using her to try and make me come back to him, till I informed her how he tried to kill me. This is after he had groomed another therapist onto his side with ease, spinning things to be the victim. At the end of the day, they will just lie and manipulate and continue to do what they do. It is simply in their nature. Of all the lies of dealing with the dark triad. The worst ones are the ones we tell ourselves about who they are. They have already told you who they are with their actions. Stop listening to what they say. 

Idiot Meme Makers...

Proving Liberals use emotion to manipulate people
about things they don't understand
with things they don't understand.

There comes a point where you just get tired of the BS, and I've had enough of this dross... *strikes a match*

Dear meme makers... Seeking shelter... yes... but Joseph and Mary were NOT refugees, they were more like someone trying to find a hotel for Dragon Con because they had to go to their original homeland for a census for a short time before returning to their actual real home. "There's no room at the Marriott... Oh I guess we'll have to stay at the Holiday Inn". They did run to Egypt when Herod was killing all the male children, but that was not the Christmas story. Maybe you should read that book before spouting off. If you aren't going to judge Muslims, don't judge Christians either. It either goes for everyone or no one. One is not more acceptable than the other, and there are asshole extremists in every religion, even atheism.

I am all about judging people by their actions. How about we do some of that, instead of trying to manipulate people. I'm sick of people who wouldn't lift a finger personally, telling other people to make the government help. If you want to actually help refugees, why don't you adopt a family and let them live with you instead of telling other people what to do. It's a bit different when YOU have to make the sacrifice and shell out money to take care of someone instead of bleating emotionally about other people's responsibilities to do what you are not willing to do yourself. What? You don't have the financial means to do that? Have you seen the national debt? America can barely care for itself! Sometimes you can care and WANT to help and still not be ABLE to help. If you have the means and are telling others to help, when it never touches your life, then you are a hypocrite, and I will judge you by your actions. If you're going to judge, you're going to get judged. It goes both ways.

Your mouth does not win you points for being a good person, your own personal actions do. Really hate abortion, adopt a baby or take in a teen mom so they don't feel so alone. Want to stop drugs, work at a rehab. Want more welfare, take in a homeless person, or help a family down on their luck. Get involved. Making the government steal money from others so you can feel good about yourselves is the most selfish cop out ever, because you never get your hands dirty. Your beliefs don't make you a better person. Your actions do. So put up or shut up! And stop bashing things you don't even understand to try and prove your point.

Silence

The reason that I am so open about things is because the most evil people in my life made me quiet about them. They didn't want to be inconvenienced with  my feelings, while I was supposed to sacrifice for theirs. My ex even gave me a book called "The Power of Silence" when we were dating. This is the same man who duct taped my mouth for talking when he was raping me. I made sure he knew what he was doing, that it was wrong, and that he would not be able to spin it or say he misunderstood. For this he tried to silence me, and I continued to make myself heard and fight him every step of the way with my mind, even though my body was hogtied hand and foot. Eventually though, by the fourth time he raped me, violating my privacy in between each rape, reading my diary, my emails, etc (anger turned him on), I had no more words. I was broken and just stared blankly. My fire had gone out, and whatever energy, willpower, I'd been using up to that point to keep going had gone out.

These are the facts of what happened. He even confessed when the cops arrested him, trying to plead insanity. So by his own words, this happened. This just is. I talk about it, because whenever you visit a memory in a safe environment, part of that environment transfers to that memory. This is why it is important to talk about these things with people you trust. It's why psychologists exist. Talking about it is healthy, the ones steeped in silence are not. I refuse to be ashamed of the actions of someone else. There's plenty of regret and guilt surrounding getting entangled with a psychopath and believing his lies, but he would have liked nothing more than for me to be quiet so he could keep manipulating people. So yeah, I talk about it and other things. For this, I catch A LOT of hell, usually from my next abuser or people who have abusive tendencies.

If you don't want to read these things, then don't, just move on. It does you no harm for me to express myself about the events of my life on my page. And despite the proclamations of other abusers, if there's anything I know better than anyone else, it's me. Despite what you may choose to project on me, I aim to be as genuine as possible. Though some of it may seem absurd, well, I've seen some crazy things and sides of people you would not believe. You chose to be here and if you can't handle it, leave. I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be.

I try to be as grounded and honest as possible with myself and others, because I do have the habit of going quiet, when I need to speak up. What can I say? Some of the training stuck, and I still get blindsided and glamoured by certain people where I'll be upset and then somehow it's like going in a trance and I think it's okay while listening to them manipulate things, even though it's not okay. But eventually I shake it off, which tends to tick them off. My verbal prowess was burned up that night and left me with a speech impediment when nervous, so fighting back verbally, though something I could once do well, isn't really an option for me anymore. Maybe because I've had verbal turn physical too often and my brain is freezing waiting for it to turn ... I therefore do not fair well in verbal altercations. Being able to say anything at all is impressive for me, and extroverts don't see to get that. I literally cannot verbally fight it out face to face, while I can write a message that will lay bare one's soul for all the world to see.

However I've been known to handle a physical brawl pretty decently. But when I feel like I'm facing someone manipulating facts and giving off all the abuser vibes, my mind is just trying to extricate me from the situation before it turns violent... because I have been known to snap when continuously pushed. If people get to the third no and I feel genuinely threatened, well, ever seen those wind up cars that you pull back and it just winds them up and then when let go they zoom forward? It's like that. After having been literally drowned, out of body experience and all, one fellow who I repeatedly told not to push me under the water had a nasty surprise, when I stopped him and threw him by his hair into the ocean with my left hand, saying "I said NO"... He ran home, was not hurt, but was scared shitless. Meanwhile even when my ex attacked me, though I could lock and trap and do holds on him, I could not actually HURT him. It just wasn't in me, even with him choking me, I just wanted to get away. However, recently, I think I burned up my fight again and now life just feels like a Wack-a-Mole game, where every time I stick my head out, there's someone there to beat me back down. I'm getting rather tired of this game, and because I know they're not going to stop and I just attract them, despite trying to do things to fix that... I just find myself feeling like I just don't want to be here anymore. Thus how I want to be a hermit. My only consolation is that I know by being open about my fight, others fighting have benefited. And that's why I do it. But I hope they know what a deeply flawed and screwed up person I am. That's a good thing, because if someone as messed up as me can keep fighting, then it makes it easier for others. Every fiber of my being wants to quit right now and has for a while. But I can't live by wants, so little of my life has been comprised of what I want. It's a need to keep going, and knowing that even my body, my long time nemesis, is trying to silence me. And as Tyrion said in A Song of Ice and Fire...

Pawns and Patrons

One of the reasons it is hard to recognize the abuse by a psychopath/sociopath is that they don't treat everyone the same. Their masks are carefully maintained, and like predators, they prey on those they see as weak or least likely to defend themselves. This includes people who are sensitive and empathetic, because those sensitivities make them easy to manipulate. Also as it says in much literature about bullies, they pick on those who are not as socially savvy, which means they have less of a support system. Meanwhile the rest of the people in their life merit different treatment, sometimes very good treatment ... depending on how useful they are.

Narcissists tend to thrive on narcissistic supply, keeping near them people who feed their ego and fragile sense of self. To protect that self they eliminate and avoid those who might damage that ego with pesky things like reality. This goes deeper than vanity, and those who cause a narcissistic injury to their fabricated reality, will suffer an explosive reaction or feigned indifference. There are no middle grounds with a narcissist.

However a psychopath/sociopath, though steeped in their own esteem, is more about their agenda than their ego, though it also is important. For them, it is about gaining power and influence either over an individual or in the case of work, gaining a position that will grant them the most influence and power. While they may seem like an ambitious ladder climber, they will do so on the backs of those around them. And they will be drawn to fields that offer the most influence and chances to exercise their power and manipulation over others. Those professions in order are: CEO, Lawyer, Media (TV/radio), Salesperson, Surgeon, Journalist, Police officer, Clergy, Chef, and Civil servant. It's not that power corrupts, but that it attracts the corruptible.

The psychopath/sociopath does more than just keep their flatterers close like the narcissist. Everyone is sorted into pawns or patrons and that is usually due to the individual's perceived power. "Workplace psychopaths are often charming to staff above their level in the workplace hierarchy but abusive to staff below their level." The only reason they are really nice to anyone is because they want something, and their charm is only a superficial mechanism to attain what they want and covers their general disregard for people who can do nothing for them. In studies on empathy, what appears to be empathetic giving to those on the outside can in fact be a manipulation to gain ground that is motivated by self interest within the group. This is usually done only for the Psychopath/Sociopath's inner circle or people they wish to control or use.

Media, ironically the 3rd highest proponent of psychopaths/sociopaths, has shaped our view on what psychopaths and sociopaths are. They are seen as killers like Dexter, but in fact there are plenty of psychopaths and sociopaths that live relatively normal lives free of crime. However they are never free from behaviors that are manipulative and controlling. They lie without compunction. They manipulate people for their own gain, and they have no remorse about it. When they hurt someone, there is no guilt, only their agenda. They may be only verbal bullies, playing mind games, or just getting the job done in their own mind. The ones raised in a privileged environment often become corporate ladder climbers with less risk of legal penalties, while the less privileged are higher risks for legal penalties. 

Separating people into patrons and pawns is more than just treating those with less rank as inferior or being a diva. It goes deeper than that. On first impression it is hard to tell who is a psychopath or a sociopath. They are charming and have highly developed social skills, which tend to bypass internal warnings. Most people like them on contact and that is by design, as they are also known for being good at manipulating their appearance through clothes and makeup. They are seen as above average intelligent and attractive. They may even appear to be an empath but this is mimicry, designed to smoke out other empaths who are easier to manipulate. Their proclamations in that area are nothing more than words and it is an act. This is why it is said that when a psychopath or sociopath smiles, it doesn't reach their eyes, because the genuine emotion in the eyes is not there. It's just an act. This is one reason they make such good actors and it's the 3rd highest field for them. They're the magpies of emotions.

The character, Amy Burly, on TrueBlood is a very good example of this hidden psychopath. When she first meets Jason, she lies, to keep them from getting caught, looking for V, which is illegal. No rules here, and a decreased sense of fear, which points to psychopathy. However, in her mind, she performs acts which society deems as good, so she views herself as good and by her condescension, better than others. But then she has no actual empathy for those around her, manipulating and controlling to get what she wants, which is another hit of "V" and Jason's support. Meanwhile she takes the lead setting herself up as the mentor spiritually with Jason, seeing his desires and playing on them. All the while she is in control, dictating everything in the relationship, setting herself up as the authority. The vampire that sees through her is ultimately killed by her, and her only concern is containing the situation and manipulating Jason. There is no remorse, only control, and the only person who saw her as the psychopath she actually was, was dead.

When a psychopath/sociopath enters a situation with new people, they begin assessing those people as pawns and patrons, weighed up according to a person's usefulness. This may make the psychopath seem opportunistic at most, but also positively seen as driven and ambitious. While a pawn has some influence or talent and is easy to manipulate, a patron has formal power and will be used to protect against attacks. They will manipulate pawns, but they will be far more interested in playing nice in manipulating their patrons. The more the power or prestige a person has, the nicer they will be to that person whether they have money or happen to be capable of including the psychopath/sociopath on projects that might have potential for power. This is when carefully crafted tales will be spun. The ... "psychopath will create a scenario of “psychopathic fiction” where positive information about themselves and negative disinformation about others will be created, where one's role as a part of a network of pawns or patrons will be utilized and will be groomed into accepting the psychopath's agenda." This agenda often includes advancement, and once a person has served their purpose in elevating the psychopath, they are discarded while the psychopath/sociopath takes that position for themselves. 

Those who oppose them will be character assassinated to maintain power, using others known as apaths to either discredit the person or torment them. This is the byproduct of the before mentioned psychopathic fiction, which if believed, makes the psychopath look like a saint and projects onto the victim all the darker aspects. One of the more insidious ways of this is when they seem to be taking the moral high ground. The psychopath/sociopath will drum up sympathy by seeming to be sympathetic to their victim, "the other person just doesn't understand" and makes it seem like they are compassionate in order to enlist others to try and push the victim into falling in line with the agenda, or simply to promote themselves in the eyes of others. This is often not helped by the individual who was singled out, usually being very angry and hurt at being abused by a psychopath, and thus the lie becomes easier to believe in the face of the victims hurt anger. This is by design, because although the person singled out may see the psychopath/sociopath's true colors, the saintly performance is still fully employed with others. This is workplace bullying at its darkest. The psychopath/sociopath is not some spiritual guru to maintain such calm, they simply don't have remorse for their actions, which they deem completely acceptable on the way to their goal.

This justifying of their own actions is often a double standard, if someone were to do the same to them, they would not spare criticism.  Psychopaths/Sociopaths will not take responsibility for these actions which they deemed necessary, because to do so might weaken their position and that's all they really care about. This ruthlessness is part of their general disregard for rules and the boundaries of others. Pawns and patrons may be used in other ways to gain power, as psychopaths and sociopaths tend to have no problem sleeping their way to the top, or using their power to have relations with those lower in the ranks. Regardless, those around them are not as important as the power they wish to attain, and are only objects to manipulate. I could go on, or I could share the list from the Wikipedia article on Psychopaths in the Workplace.

• Public humiliation of others (high propensity of having temper tantrums or ridiculing work performance)
• Malicious spreading of lies (intentionally deceitful)
• Remorseless or devoid of guilt
• Frequently lies to push his/her point
• Rapidly shifts between emotions – used to manipulate people or cause high anxiety
• Intentionally isolates persons from organizational resources
• Quick to blame others for mistakes or for incomplete work even though he/she is guilty
• Encourages co-workers to torment, alienate, harass and/or humiliate other peers
• Takes credit for other people's accomplishments
• Steals and/or sabotages other persons' works
• Refuses to take responsibility for misjudgments and/or errors
• Threatens any perceived enemy with job loss and/or discipline in order to taint employee file
• Sets unrealistic and unachievable job expectations to set employees up for failure
• Refuses or is reluctant to attend meetings with more than one person
• Refuses to provide adequate training and/or instructions to singled out victim
• Invades personal privacy of others
• Has multiple sexual encounters with junior and/or senior employees
• Develops new ideas without real follow through
• Very self-centered and extremely egotistical (often conversation revolves around them – great deal of self-importance)
• Often borrows money and/or other material objects without any intentions of giving it back
• Will do whatever it takes to close the deal (no regards for ethics or legality)

To understand more about how psychopaths work, check out the Wikipedia article.
Below is an episode of Monk that is one of the best illustrations I've seen on being singled out by a psychopath/sociopath. It's more than just simple bullying, and they pick the person most likely to see through them to tear down. This person is usually an empath, sensitive, and less socially adept. If there is a question, which one is the empath and which is the psychopath, the empath is usually the one with fewer people skills. The empath is the giver and the psychopath/sociopath is the taker. Who's taking the lead, dominating conversations, and in the spotlight? Because it's all about the psychopath/sociopath and their power. The problem is that it's a lot easier to control people by directing their hate, and by doing so deflecting criticism. This is how they work and this is why it works.

"Let me tell you something about the people. Lock ten of them in a room and they may not pick a leader but I guarantee you, they will pick someone to hate." - Dennis Hopper
The estimates in the population for psychopaths and sociopaths goes as low as 4% but I've seen as high as 10%. That means that you probably do know more than one. You probably like them, and they seem fun and care free. Probably because they are, by definition, lacking in concern for many of the areas that other people have. They are ambitious and opportunistic. While these by themselves don't make someone a psychopath/sociopath, they are symptoms along with a propensity for lying, jealousy, self-centeredness, and a disregard for boundaries. If you encounter one casually, you probably won't notice anything amiss. It's when you get closer that the trap springs. You may not even know you're trapped till you try to get out. These darker personalities can do a lot of damage, and it can take an immense amount of time to heal.

Counseling with one will not help because they will just manipulate the counselor too, making them another patron. They will not change, all they change is victims and methods to not get caught. Counseling just makes them better manipulators by revealing your weaknesses, or allowing them to excuse their inappropriate behavior as being mentally ill. They may even use that as a crutch for special treatment. My ex committed himself after he took his first swing at me and I kicked him out. He had the counselor called me, because I was avoiding all contact, and so it snuck past my radar. It was a conference call, and I heard this innocent psychologist, completely snowed by his victim act, try to pull me back in for him. She was appalled when I informed her that he had threatened to kill me and drove 90 miles an hour to a dead end into the interstate, for mentioning divorce. He had been billing me as the villain and him the victim, as many of these types project onto the victim. She had believed him as most do, and when he tried to backpedal or dismiss my claim, I'm not sure they ever grasped what he was. Even though this reworking things to fit, rewriting history and circumventing things they are guilty of without addressing them is all part of their controlling perception. Even my family was trying to push us back together, feeling sorry for him after committing himself. He had them believing that I was blowing things out of proportion, until he almost succeeded the next attempt on my life.

If you've been singled out, chances are you are not only a victim, but being made the villain as well through blame shifting, gas-lighting, and character assassination. This is to break any support that you might have, keep the victim silent, and to avoid alarming anyone else to their true nature. It is a deeply unsettling position to be abused and taking all the blame as well. It messes with your memory and reality and makes one question if they are crazy. Ironically that's a question they would never ask themselves due to a sever lack of self awareness, or because it was a planned manipulation which seems reasonable to them. They don't question themselves if they are the problem, or if called out on something, consider that maybe they might have done something and try to understand. This is why many people develop memory problems after abuse. When they play with your mind, they literally damage it, and you can develop PTSD. The traumatic moments are seared into your mind while becoming forgetful in other ways. Meanwhile your abuser tends to have a cast iron vault for memories. Liars tend to have excellent memories in order to keep track of their lies, while honest people do not need to expend such energy, but suddenly feel the need when dealing with the ever changing chaos just to keep up! Studies have also shown that those with great self control tend to have worse memories, while psychopaths tend to be impulsive.

Again, I could go on, list out all the horrible experiences I've had, all the situations that fell soundly into the psychopath/sociopath description, and relay how twisted their minds work. I could express the frustrations at being both victim and projected onto as the villain. I could tell you how it has ruined my life and how I stayed longer than I should have out of hope for a person that was not who I thought they were.  Feeling sorry for and reaching out to help people got me used and abused, while draining my resources financially and emotionally. The thought of leaving but knowing the fall out would be horrible, kept me tolerating and trying to slowly withdraw only to be pulled back in again and again. But the thing is, even with all this information, and all that I've learned, I still get blind sided by them. Looking back, I can see all the red flags, but as a certain cartoon commented, "when you look at people through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags". While posting about this, I want to help other people not end up like me, it's still hard to explain unless you've been there. So here's another article by someone who's been there called The Dance with the Devil and some excerpts of why being an empath or codependent makes you easy prey for these types. I encourage you to watch the episode of Monk at the bottom. Like I said before it's one of the better illustrations I've seen of how psychopaths and sociopaths work. You can see how they cover their tracks with pawns and patrons, and how Monk is singled out as a threat and people are turned against him, because he sees through the act. You can see how this tears apart Monk's support from people who could help him, and how the charm of a psychopath/sociopath seems to override all reason. And if anything else, it's a good show. But as Tom Clancy said, "the difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense." In reality, the psychopath/sociopath aren't so neatly wrapped up in the end.

"The Sociopath uses his or her intuition to find a person to take on a support role in the his/her life and to keep them happy in that role until that person is invested in the relationship. This is called The Hook. Empaths are great support people. We will listen to the Victim’s story, we will help him with his projects, and if we haven’t healed our dependency issues, we will do this in exchange for having material support or for having a sense of purpose and belonging in the world."

"Abusers of the Cluster B Personality Disorder Type are usually charming, attractive people. They know how to make the Empath feel special, but they are shut off from their hearts in order not to feel that worthlessness. They are also liars. He lies to himself, he believes his own lies, and then he tells those lies to the people around him without knowing he is lying.

The Empath starts thinking that she is the crazy one, when it is he who is actually ill. He is so focused on his outer image that he is willing to sacrifice reality (and the Empath). Unfortunately, the Sociopath has usually gathered enough people around him that are willing to go along with the facade. These people, unlike the Empath, do not get past the outer shell and fall for the facade. Or worse, these people catch glimpses of the unhealthy inner core, but do not call him out on his behavior. These people would rather live by appearances as well. As you can imagine, this living-by-appearances is crazy-making for the average Empath. She begins to doubt herself; the Empath can get stuck in a mental loop of analysis of the situation and the relationship without making the realisation that the Hero is happiest living a lie and wants it that way.

However, eventually the relationship disintegrates when the Empath either becomes so drained the Hero has to find another support person, or the Empath leaves the relationship out of desperation for her sanity. For many Empaths it can feel like an act of survival to leave this relationship while everyone else involved thinks the Empath is the crazy, over-reactive one. Most Empaths who have been through this scenario have been in the relationship for years."

The importance of NO

Part of what's wrong with the world is people respect those who don't take NO for an answer. You know who doesn't take NO for an answer? Spoiled children, psychopaths, and rapists. Then people wonder how psychopaths become CEOs... because that's who people respect. They think that it takes a lot of courage to be that pushy, but really it takes a blatant disrespect for the boundaries of others, the reduced fear of a psychopath, and the tenacious selfishness of a child.

If I have to say NO more than once to someone, nicely, my NOs get a lot less nice. Because I will see them as either a spoiled child who wants to get their way, a rapist who will just keep going, or a psychopath who sees what they want and don't really care who they walk over to get it. This assessment has rarely been wrong. And this is why when I tell Morgan No, but she keeps going, I often say "You didn't respond when I asked you nicely. Do you want me to ask you not nicely?" She often says no, and then when I ask her nice, she does it. My 6 yr old gets this better than many adults.

There is a plethora of overgrown children who don't respond when you broach things nicely and it's only the threat of escalation they respond to. Yet the immature don't seem to understand why people react the way they do to them or connect that it's a direct response to their behavior. So they seem bewildered when someone doesn't give them their way or want to deal with them. Of course the psychopaths and rapists usually know what they are doing and just don't like being called out on it and their greatest fear is you alerting others to their methods and losing power.

Perhaps if we REALLY want the world to be a better place, there's no better way to start a respect for boundaries than to listen to the word NO. And to be mindful of those who don't accept NO for an answer not as heroes but as the dangerous people they are. Let your YESes be YES and your NOs be NOs, and commit to them when you say them. I have to remind myself of this, but there's always some overgrown child or psycho there to remind me why I can't waver in these without being steamrolled over by them in the pursuit of their desire.

Memories of the Ranch

My heart aches for the ranch. I want to be riding a horse through open range where I can't hear a single sound that can be attributed to man or anything manmade. I loved watching the city lights in the distance from the plateau, smelling rain in the air and seeing clouds roll in from miles away. I miss stumbling upon all sorts of weird flora and fauna and even artifacts could be found if you knew where to look. The last time I was there, it was October and the full moon never looked so beautiful as it did from that cabin, a cabin I'd known all my life and would never see again. I knew every inch of that ugly orange shag carpet, and the trick how to open the broken handle on a fridge left over from the 60s. The whole back wall was covered in pages from 1800s Sears and Roebuck catalogues. In the winter we had to keep warm by feeding the fire in an old wood stove. I remember the smell of horse, leather, and wood. And few things were as brilliant as the trap door to the basement that fascinated us kids. There was a peg board there where artwork was thumbtacked. One was my grandfather's and the other mine, from one of our adventures where we would take the watercolors and search for something to paint, often on the side of the road, painting someone's cattle, or the horses at the ranch. It's hard to remember my grandfather, that last night at the ranch. He had always been so strong, so brave, a real cowboy. He was everything I wanted to be, but time always has its say. No matter how weak he was, he never lost his sense of humor. As a youth, I remember his cowboy boots, thick with dust from the trails, and trying to walk in them, shoes I'd never be able to fill. Those were the best moments of my life. Some part of me will always long to relive sitting on the porch, eating watermelon with my grandfather, our legs dangling over the bottom story. We watched my dad and brother throw horseshoes below, while my mother and grandmother could be heard inside. The horses meandered curiously not far away, grazing and moving slowly in search of better grass. It's a place I can never go again and the people who made it home are gone as well. I wish Morgan could have gone there, met my grands, seen the cabin my grandfather designed and the family built. It was a little slice of our own personal history permeated with memories. When I imagine things before I fall asleep, of something happy, it always starts with that ugly orange shag carpet and the place my heart still calls home. There my horse still waits for me to ride the trails that I still remember to the old 1800s caboose, or the shed, or the cliff, or the Olsen's, or the deer trails to the top of the Rimrocks. I'm grateful that I was so fortunate to have those wonderful memories, and so sad that they won't come again.

Polite is not Nice

Fall is coming, and the memories of the ex are fast on its heels. Fall has always been a big memory stimulator for me, and having the worst days of my life associated with it, makes my once favorite season, a rather hard one. It gets the wheels turning in my head. Memories come unbidden. The nightmares kick up, and a general melancholy comes over me with the North wind. It gets me thinking on certain things, observations I wish I had known when I was young and stupid. This is one... there's a big difference between nice and polite. There are plenty of polite people in the South, but they really aren't very nice when you get to know them. I met a lot of nice people in New York, but they weren't very polite. They were direct, and they just didn't want people wasting their time, and I can appreciate that. To me it's more honest. This polite posturing makes me not believe people actually like me, which meant it took a year before I would consent my best friend ever, actually liked me and wasn't just being polite. I liked him a lot, but I'm not easily convinced of reciprocation.

My psychopathic ex-husband used to tell me the way to get out of trouble (in this case a speeding ticket) was to "act nice"... and I just stared at him. What about just BEING nice? Why can't you just BE nice? But that was the thing. It was an act, an act to get people to respond to him favorably, to get what he wanted. It was means to an end, a manipulation that never penetrated the surface, a way for him to mojo himself out of being held accountable for his actions. That's why when he didn't get his way, he often shifted to threats and violence in a heartbeat, because that was what was behind the act, control. The thing is, that works for psychopaths and narcissists because most people don't make it past the facade to see beyond the act. They see the charming, funny, charismatic facade, but psychopaths know how to set the stage and perform captivatingly. Psychopaths often have this glamour effect when they talk that is spellbinding to the listener. That's why you get serial killers where afterward people always say that they seemed like such a nice guy.

The thing is, the real nice people are a little more rough up front, but they're genuine.  It's a little harder to accept, not wrapped fancy and neat. They just are and put it out there. While a psychopath or narcissist is a gift box wrapped beautifully and perfectly with nothing inside, most genuinely nice people come unwrapped with the price sticker still on. Genuine people are functional and serve a purpose, while you've already seen the extent of what the pretty box has to offer. Genuine people don't have that euphoric charisma that beguiles people with a silver tongue and a smile that doesn't quite touch their eyes. Psychopaths and narcissists tend to bypass reason, even if your subconscious starts to throw up walls, they have a way of quieting your very founded fears. My ex laughed at me for being worried when we were dating, "What, do you think we're going to get married, and this mask is going to come off and I'll be a monster underneath?" He made it sound ridiculous to be concerned, but that was EXACTLY what happened and he knew it. Listen to your gut, because it knows. Every time I've ignored it, I've been sorry and regretted not heeding that little voice that said something wasn't right, and instead listening to the words of someone who could twist anything to their favor. I've lost a lot because of not listening to my gut.

Personally I try to be polite. I'm getting less nice as I get older and collect more wounds from psychopaths and narcissists. This makes me sad. I like being nice. It's my first impulse to want to help people. But I've had to hold back. Yeah I harp on the subject, because I have had an abnormal number of psychopaths and narcissists in my life, and no, not everyone who hurt me fits in that category. But it's a high percentage of the people I cut out of my life, which is really a rather low number. I haven't even gotten to counting on my toes. But one person can do a hell of a lot of damage that accumulates over time. I've already mightily screwed up my own life by repeatedly getting involved with such people. I only hope others will learn from my mistakes. Cause, goodness knows, I'll probably do it again, about the time I relax and think I've got this.

Polite is easy to see. Nice... well that comes with time and if you ask a psychopath if they are a good person, they will tell you how awesome they are, while hiding dark despicable deeds. A narcissist will never have the wherewithal to question whether they might be the problem. And both will justify whatever they do to be the "right" thing. All you can do is watch what they do, and pay attention. That knot in your gut knows why that person can't hold down a regular job, or keep a boyfriend for long, or why their close friends don't stay close for long before there's a new one, or why the people who seem the closest live miles and miles away and don't see them much. People tend to like psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists at first... but eventually emotionally healthy people get tired of the crap through constant exposure, and patient friends are just rewarded with more abuse for their toleration. All that does is enable the person to keep steamrolling over people. The only person who can cure a narcissist, is the narcissist themselves, and most don't want to because they enjoy it. It takes them really committing to caring about others and wanting to change. But most are incapable. To narcissists, their "caring" is what other people can do for them, not what they can do for others. Even when they do something for someone else, they tend to do it as a social obligation for appearances more than genuine concern, much like the psychopath, for which there is no cure.  Their "good" deeds are done for show and manipulation. They are born that way and they will never change. Sociopaths... well... they have their own set of rules that don't quite work within society. That's why they are called Anti-social as in against society. You're not going to get anywhere with them either. Save yourself the heartache and don't waste your life like I have. Get out, and don't mistake polite for nice. Polite has no commitment. It's a pretty sign that doesn't do anything. Nice listens. Nice gives. Nice empathizes. Nice is grateful. Nice helps you move. Nice isn't overly critical or self centered. Nice is an expression of the good within someone. Polite is a rehearsed response to adhere to social graces. I'll take nice over polite any day.

10 Things I've Noticed about Emotionally Abusive People

Here are things I've noticed about the problem (emotionally abusive) people in my life. I don't know if they all have the same personality disorders, but it makes me leery of these traits. It's not that any of these are horrible on their own, but combined seem to make trouble for me personally.

1. Very enthusiastically friendly and charming on first meeting. 
It's almost like walking into someone's house with an undisciplined dog. They are in your face and you will like them. It can cause a feeling like you are being glamoured, like they want something, or you feel like a wall goes up instinctively as if they are forcing an impression on you. Kinda like a car salesman, but they're selling themselves. There ARE kind, happy people you meet that are interested in you, but this feels different, because they are making themselves the main focus.

2. Obsessive phone callers.
This is why I hate talking on the phone unless necessary. When I tried to leave my ex-husband, he literally called me every 15 minutes. Every single problem person would call for something that could be handled in one sentence in an email, and consume your time talking about themselves. Someone calls you on the phone, it interrupts life, while messages wait till you're ready to respond. It's a way of demanding attention, and these obsessive callers are always miffed when people don't answer. One commented that they could see people commenting on Facebook and how dare they not respond. When I put my foot down with one in chat who was telling me my own mind, and I told her she was wrong, she called for 2 hours lamenting how mean I was for that and how horrible. I never got a word in edgewise, so I put the phone down and walked away... she never stopped talking.  The thing with phones is that you have no record of what was said  unless recording it, which most people don't, so they can say whatever they like off record and there's no proof. The same people will display a completely different personality in text for this very reason. They use excuses like "you can't understand the tone", etc... which is not something I have really seen to be the case, except by people who read things into text that isn't there.

3. Controls the conversation.
Even when the conversation is about someone else, they tend to make it somehow about themselves. When angered, it's hard to get a word in edgewise. They tend to be controlling in general, and by controlling the conversation it can never go where they don't want it. When I would meet my ex-husband for lunch, he would talk about himself, usually while he was eating all my french fries and exclaiming how bad they are, and the moment I started to speak, he would decide it was time to go.

4. Is a snob.
"This is the way it's done", "You don't understand because this is the way it works", or "I know what I'm talking about (and you don't)".  What they like is what's right, and what others like isn't. Everyone does this to a certain extent. We all have our preferences. But they will speak like their preference and agenda is the only way to go and look down on others for not going along with it... even if they have very good reasons.  Because that's the principle of it, an excuse to look down on others.

5. They are extremely sensitive to feelings, unless they're yours.
My ex-husband would claim to be a feminist and criticize the husband of one woman who was obviously controlled by her husband, and yet was the same to me. But if I dared to fight back, I was mean and horrible. With all these similar people, they did not seem to have any guilt about hurting my feelings, but if I stepped a toe out of line in any way that displeased them in the least, there was drama to pay. While I was expected to tolerate unreasonable behavior, they were allowed to do whatever. Any feigned interest in my feelings was used to spin it to make them look caring in the midst of them railing against being called out. One used other people's circumstances to garner sympathy and attention for herself by displaying how much she "cared". When at the heart of it, she cared about what she got out of it.


6. They hate to be ignored and have to be the center of attention.
I was watching Riverdance with my ex and said something about how I liked the dancing and wished I could take it. "I can do that" he proclaimed like a 5 year old and proceeded to get up and dance like an idiot who didn't know what he was doing, because he didn't. It was a moment of "hey look at me." Another was visibly put out when someone gave me a sincere compliment even though she complimented me, but it was insincere flattery and she wanted the attention. One threw such a fit when I got hit on more than her that she sold her Renfest costume, because she was obviously prettier and smarter than me and was pissed when reality didn't support her assertions. Which leads us to...

7. They are jealous.
My ex-husband was so jealous that he hated people who had more than him. He didn't want me even being friends with other guys and tormented me if I was. Another was terribly jealous of another woman out of fear that she might be prettier than her, because that's how she manipulated people into giving her what she wanted. This jealousy usually manifested in severe criticism of the other person but not for actual wrongs, hunting for reasons to dislike someone and then trying to diminish them to make themselves look better.

8. Making themselves seem much bigger and more important than they actually are.
I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm not that important. It rather worries me when people compliment me, because of the insincere flattery and the setting on a pedestal to tear me down. These people do not have that problem and are all too eager to tell you how big and bad they are, even if when it's time to put their money where their mouth is,  and they can't. One seemed far more successful because her gentleman caller had given her lots of equipment. The guys tended to do martial arts moves to seem more knowledgeable or intimidating than they were. One told me how smart she was and was mad that in this house with Trenton, she was far from the top of the list. She was mad that I beat her constantly at board games. Another girl told me she was so much better than me as an artist and fencer, meanwhile I beat her in tournaments and was offered art deals when she wasn't. It didn't mean she was bad, but she just was not as good as she touted. I perceived us to be on the same level, but she could not have that.

9. Professing to be deep, but being shallow.
For all I've been told by these people how spiritual or what not they were... it was hard to ascertain a spirituality that was more than them getting what they want... They seemed very focused on the physical and being perceived as physically attractive. Now I confess, I was there too. I pretty much had affirmed to me in my youth, by my misogynistic upbringing, that it was the only thing that made me worth anything to men. And I darn near killed myself trying to be perfect. These people however already felt they were perfect and entitled to admiration, and it was other people's bodies that had to live up to what they wanted, not their own. This was marked by comments on other people's bodies like "she shouldn't be wearing that", "eating all that mayo is why your kid is fat", and other comments that degraded people based on their bodies. Or they projected their own shallowness onto others. When I left one boyfriend because he was a lazy butt who would not get a job and wanted to live off me and my parents, in his shallow brain (that only looked at me like a pretty prize), it was because he wasn't as thin or built as Trenton. When he showed up all buff at my booth like I was going to ditch Trenton and go back to him, I lit into him because he had documents from my company that I needed and he would not give back. Ultimately I had to threaten him with legal action to get him to comply because my needs were not important and he disregarded what I had to say. It took him off guard that looks wasn't what I was interested in at all. I noticed and it made me madder that he projected his own shallowness onto me. We had broken up before and my best friend Richard, when he first met me, had been asked to help us get back together at a gaming group by my ex-boyfriend. When Richard met me, he realized this was not the dim bimbo that had been described. Something Richard could see that I was not on first meeting, but my ex-boyfriend could not see after years.

10. They make you wait.

Part of not having respect for you, is wasting your time. I would go to meet my ex-husband at work for lunch and he would make me wait, sometimes for hours, but the moment I talked to someone, he would up and be ready to go right then, proving he could have left, but he chose not to. Others tended to call and tell me they were leaving at the time they were supposed to be there. They were always late by an hour or two, and it wasn't an occasional, I honest to goodness got stuck in traffic, but a pattern. Meanwhile the same people would be mad if you did not respond quickly to them when they were ready. Or sometimes making me cut out hours of my day for something, when I really didn't need to be involved.

All of this combined makes people who are self centered. They often did other worse things that they have in common, but I wanted to focus on things that were common interactions. Not everyone gets to the intimate level with these people to get into the really abusive natures. But these are the things that an acquaintance might pick up on interacting with them, before getting involved and getting hurt. Again, one of these things by itself is not so bad, but if it sounds like a checklist for someone, then you might want to keep your eyes open and your boundaries firm.

Edit:
Just so you know that I'm not blowing smoke. I do attract narcissists, but extreme egotism is also central to psychopaths as well (usually diagnosed Antisocial - the lack of guilt being the main tell for them ). I left out the lying and such for antisocial personality disorder, because they didn't all fit it, even if many did. Some just lied to themselves a lot. But these were common behaviors across all the abusers I've had. At least one definitely had severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one was a true hard core psychopath (the ex-husband who kidnapped and raped me), and a few were diagnosed with Dissociative, which I question as that often takes several years to diagnose, usually committed in a mental facility. One of them I believe because he did check out often, even if he had some narcissistic traits. But one is incredibly manipulative and fit borderline/antisocial far more, probably manipulating her therapist like everyone else for something more dramatic. The rest also fit in the dramatic personality disorder category on some level. Regardless there were some things that fit most of them and seemed to be universal tells that something is off that stretched across the board.

Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)
Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, lack of empathy, bloated self-image, manipulative and impulsive behavior.

Borderline personality disorder: pervasive pattern of instability in relationships, self-image, identity, behavior and affects often leading to self-harm and impulsivity.

Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive pattern of attention-seeking behavior and excessive emotions.

Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.