Blog by multifarious Fantasy artist, illustrator, wife, mother, survivor, and occasional wisecracker, Lindsay Archer. Blog features observations and experiences by the artist of varying flavors about her life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.
The reason that I am so open about things is because the most evil people in my life made me quiet about them. They didn't want to be inconvenienced with my feelings, while I was supposed to sacrifice for theirs. My ex even gave me a book called "The Power of Silence" when we were dating. This is the same man who duct taped my mouth for talking when he was raping me. I made sure he knew what he was doing, that it was wrong, and that he would not be able to spin it or say he misunderstood. For this he tried to silence me, and I continued to make myself heard and fight him every step of the way with my mind, even though my body was hogtied hand and foot. Eventually though, by the fourth time he raped me, violating my privacy in between each rape, reading my diary, my emails, etc (anger turned him on), I had no more words. I was broken and just stared blankly. My fire had gone out, and whatever energy, willpower, I'd been using up to that point to keep going had gone out.
These are the facts of what happened. He even confessed when the cops arrested him, trying to plead insanity. So by his own words, this happened. This just is. I talk about it, because whenever you visit a memory in a safe environment, part of that environment transfers to that memory. This is why it is important to talk about these things with people you trust. It's why psychologists exist. Talking about it is healthy, the ones steeped in silence are not. I refuse to be ashamed of the actions of someone else. There's plenty of regret and guilt surrounding getting entangled with a psychopath and believing his lies, but he would have liked nothing more than for me to be quiet so he could keep manipulating people. So yeah, I talk about it and other things. For this, I catch A LOT of hell, usually from my next abuser or people who have abusive tendencies.
If you don't want to read these things, then don't, just move on. It does you no harm for me to express myself about the events of my life on my page. And despite the proclamations of other abusers, if there's anything I know better than anyone else, it's me. Despite what you may choose to project on me, I aim to be as genuine as possible. Though some of it may seem absurd, well, I've seen some crazy things and sides of people you would not believe. You chose to be here and if you can't handle it, leave. I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be.
I try to be as grounded and honest as possible with myself and others, because I do have the habit of going quiet, when I need to speak up. What can I say? Some of the training stuck, and I still get blindsided and glamoured by certain people where I'll be upset and then somehow it's like going in a trance and I think it's okay while listening to them manipulate things, even though it's not okay. But eventually I shake it off, which tends to tick them off. My verbal prowess was burned up that night and left me with a speech impediment when nervous, so fighting back verbally, though something I could once do well, isn't really an option for me anymore. Maybe because I've had verbal turn physical too often and my brain is freezing waiting for it to turn ... I therefore do not fair well in verbal altercations. Being able to say anything at all is impressive for me, and extroverts don't see to get that. I literally cannot verbally fight it out face to face, while I can write a message that will lay bare one's soul for all the world to see.
However I've been known to handle a physical brawl pretty decently. But when I feel like I'm facing someone manipulating facts and giving off all the abuser vibes, my mind is just trying to extricate me from the situation before it turns violent... because I have been known to snap when continuously pushed. If people get to the third no and I feel genuinely threatened, well, ever seen those wind up cars that you pull back and it just winds them up and then when let go they zoom forward? It's like that. After having been literally drowned, out of body experience and all, one fellow who I repeatedly told not to push me under the water had a nasty surprise, when I stopped him and threw him by his hair into the ocean with my left hand, saying "I said NO"... He ran home, was not hurt, but was scared shitless. Meanwhile even when my ex attacked me, though I could lock and trap and do holds on him, I could not actually HURT him. It just wasn't in me, even with him choking me, I just wanted to get away. However, recently, I think I burned up my fight again and now life just feels like a Wack-a-Mole game, where every time I stick my head out, there's someone there to beat me back down. I'm getting rather tired of this game, and because I know they're not going to stop and I just attract them, despite trying to do things to fix that... I just find myself feeling like I just don't want to be here anymore. Thus how I want to be a hermit. My only consolation is that I know by being open about my fight, others fighting have benefited. And that's why I do it. But I hope they know what a deeply flawed and screwed up person I am. That's a good thing, because if someone as messed up as me can keep fighting, then it makes it easier for others. Every fiber of my being wants to quit right now and has for a while. But I can't live by wants, so little of my life has been comprised of what I want. It's a need to keep going, and knowing that even my body, my long time nemesis, is trying to silence me. And as Tyrion said in A Song of Ice and Fire...
One of the reasons it is hard to recognize the abuse by a psychopath/sociopath is that they don't treat everyone the same. Their masks are carefully maintained, and like predators, they prey on those they see as weak or least likely to defend themselves. This includes people who are sensitive and empathetic, because those sensitivities make them easy to manipulate. Also as it says in much literature about bullies, they pick on those who are not as socially savvy, which means they have less of a support system. Meanwhile the rest of the people in their life merit different treatment, sometimes very good treatment ... depending on how useful they are.
Narcissists tend to thrive on narcissistic supply, keeping near them people who feed their ego and fragile sense of self. To protect that self they eliminate and avoid those who might damage that ego with pesky things like reality. This goes deeper than vanity, and those who cause a narcissistic injury to their fabricated reality, will suffer an explosive reaction or feigned indifference. There are no middle grounds with a narcissist.
However a psychopath/sociopath, though steeped in their own esteem, is more about their agenda than their ego, though it also is important. For them, it is about gaining power and influence either over an individual or in the case of work, gaining a position that will grant them the most influence and power. While they may seem like an ambitious ladder climber, they will do so on the backs of those around them. And they will be drawn to fields that offer the most influence and chances to exercise their power and manipulation over others. Those professions in order are: CEO, Lawyer, Media (TV/radio), Salesperson, Surgeon, Journalist, Police officer, Clergy, Chef, and Civil servant. It's not that power corrupts, but that it attracts the corruptible.
The psychopath/sociopath does more than just keep their flatterers close like the narcissist. Everyone is sorted into pawns or patrons and that is usually due to the individual's perceived power. "Workplace psychopaths are often charming to staff above their level in the workplace hierarchy but abusive to staff below their level." The only reason they are really nice to anyone is because they want something, and their charm is only a superficial mechanism to attain what they want and covers their general disregard for people who can do nothing for them. In studies on empathy, what appears to be empathetic giving to those on the outside can in fact be a manipulation to gain ground that is motivated by self interest within the group. This is usually done only for the Psychopath/Sociopath's inner circle or people they wish to control or use.
Media, ironically the 3rd highest proponent of psychopaths/sociopaths, has shaped our view on what psychopaths and sociopaths are. They are seen as killers like Dexter, but in fact there are plenty of psychopaths and sociopaths that live relatively normal lives free of crime. However they are never free from behaviors that are manipulative and controlling. They lie without compunction. They manipulate people for their own gain, and they have no remorse about it. When they hurt someone, there is no guilt, only their agenda. They may be only verbal bullies, playing mind games, or just getting the job done in their own mind. The ones raised in a privileged environment often become corporate ladder climbers with less risk of legal penalties, while the less privileged are higher risks for legal penalties.
Separating people into patrons and pawns is more than just treating those with less rank as inferior or being a diva. It goes deeper than that. On first impression it is hard to tell who is a psychopath or a sociopath. They are charming and have highly developed social skills, which tend to bypass internal warnings. Most people like them on contact and that is by design, as they are also known for being good at manipulating their appearance through clothes and makeup. They are seen as above average intelligent and attractive. They may even appear to be an empath but this is mimicry, designed to smoke out other empaths who are easier to manipulate. Their proclamations in that area are nothing more than words and it is an act. This is why it is said that when a psychopath or sociopath smiles, it doesn't reach their eyes, because the genuine emotion in the eyes is not there. It's just an act. This is one reason they make such good actors and it's the 3rd highest field for them. They're the magpies of emotions.
The character, Amy Burly, on TrueBlood is a very good example of this hidden psychopath. When she first meets Jason, she lies, to keep them from getting caught, looking for V, which is illegal. No rules here, and a decreased sense of fear, which points to psychopathy. However, in her mind, she performs acts which society deems as good, so she views herself as good and by her condescension, better than others. But then she has no actual empathy for those around her, manipulating and controlling to get what she wants, which is another hit of "V" and Jason's support. Meanwhile she takes the lead setting herself up as the mentor spiritually with Jason, seeing his desires and playing on them. All the while she is in control, dictating everything in the relationship, setting herself up as the authority. The vampire that sees through her is ultimately killed by her, and her only concern is containing the situation and manipulating Jason. There is no remorse, only control, and the only person who saw her as the psychopath she actually was, was dead.
When a psychopath/sociopath enters a situation with new people, they begin assessing those people as pawns and patrons, weighed up according to a person's usefulness. This may make the psychopath seem opportunistic at most, but also positively seen as driven and ambitious. While a pawn has some influence or talent and is easy to manipulate, a patron has formal power and will be used to protect against attacks. They will manipulate pawns, but they will be far more interested in playing nice in manipulating their patrons. The more the power or prestige a person has, the nicer they will be to that person whether they have money or happen to be capable of including the psychopath/sociopath on projects that might have potential for power. This is when carefully crafted tales will be spun. The ... "psychopath will create a scenario of “psychopathic fiction” where positive information about themselves and negative disinformation about others will be created, where one's role as a part of a network of pawns or patrons will be utilized and will be groomed into accepting the psychopath's agenda." This agenda often includes advancement, and once a person has served their purpose in elevating the psychopath, they are discarded while the psychopath/sociopath takes that position for themselves.
Those who oppose them will be character assassinated to maintain power, using others known as apaths to either discredit the person or torment them. This is the byproduct of the before mentioned psychopathic fiction, which if believed, makes the psychopath look like a saint and projects onto the victim all the darker aspects. One of the more insidious ways of this is when they seem to be taking the moral high ground. The psychopath/sociopath will drum up sympathy by seeming to be sympathetic to their victim, "the other person just doesn't understand" and makes it seem like they are compassionate in order to enlist others to try and push the victim into falling in line with the agenda, or simply to promote themselves in the eyes of others. This is often not helped by the individual who was singled out, usually being very angry and hurt at being abused by a psychopath, and thus the lie becomes easier to believe in the face of the victims hurt anger. This is by design, because although the person singled out may see the psychopath/sociopath's true colors, the saintly performance is still fully employed with others. This is workplace bullying at its darkest. The psychopath/sociopath is not some spiritual guru to maintain such calm, they simply don't have remorse for their actions, which they deem completely acceptable on the way to their goal.
This justifying of their own actions is often a double standard, if someone were to do the same to them, they would not spare criticism. Psychopaths/Sociopaths will not take responsibility for these actions which they deemed necessary, because to do so might weaken their position and that's all they really care about. This ruthlessness is part of their general disregard for rules and the boundaries of others. Pawns and patrons may be used in other ways to gain power, as psychopaths and sociopaths tend to have no problem sleeping their way to the top, or using their power to have relations with those lower in the ranks. Regardless, those around them are not as important as the power they wish to attain, and are only objects to manipulate. I could go on, or I could share the list from the Wikipedia article on Psychopaths in the Workplace.
Public humiliation of others (high propensity of having temper tantrums or ridiculing work performance)
Malicious spreading of lies (intentionally deceitful)
Remorseless or devoid of guilt
Frequently lies to push his/her point
Rapidly shifts between emotions – used to manipulate people or cause high anxiety
Intentionally isolates persons from organizational resources
Quick to blame others for mistakes or for incomplete work even though he/she is guilty
Encourages co-workers to torment, alienate, harass and/or humiliate other peers
Takes credit for other people's accomplishments
Steals and/or sabotages other persons' works
Refuses to take responsibility for misjudgments and/or errors
Threatens any perceived enemy with job loss and/or discipline in order to taint employee file
Sets unrealistic and unachievable job expectations to set employees up for failure
Refuses or is reluctant to attend meetings with more than one person
Refuses to provide adequate training and/or instructions to singled out victim
Invades personal privacy of others
Has multiple sexual encounters with junior and/or senior employees
Develops new ideas without real follow through
Very self-centered and extremely egotistical (often conversation revolves around them – great deal of self-importance)
Often borrows money and/or other material objects without any intentions of giving it back
Will do whatever it takes to close the deal (no regards for ethics or legality)
To understand more about how psychopaths work, check out the Wikipediaarticle. Below is an episode of Monk that is one of the best illustrations I've seen on being singled out by a psychopath/sociopath. It's more than just simple bullying, and they pick the person most likely to see through them to tear down. This person is usually an empath, sensitive, and less socially adept. If there is a question, which one is the empath and which is the psychopath, the empath is usually the one with fewer people skills. The empath is the giver and the psychopath/sociopath is the taker. Who's taking the lead, dominating conversations, and in the spotlight? Because it's all about the psychopath/sociopath and their power. The problem is that it's a lot easier to control people by directing their hate, and by doing so deflecting criticism. This is how they work and this is why it works.
"Let me tell you something about the people. Lock ten of them in a room and they may not pick a leader but I guarantee you, they will pick someone to hate." - Dennis Hopper
The estimates in the population for psychopaths and sociopaths goes as low as 4% but I've seen as high as 10%. That means that you probably do know more than one. You probably like them, and they seem fun and care free. Probably because they are, by definition, lacking in concern for many of the areas that other people have. They are ambitious and opportunistic. While these by themselves don't make someone a psychopath/sociopath, they are symptoms along with a propensity for lying, jealousy, self-centeredness, and a disregard for boundaries. If you encounter one casually, you probably won't notice anything amiss. It's when you get closer that the trap springs. You may not even know you're trapped till you try to get out. These darker personalities can do a lot of damage, and it can take an immense amount of time to heal.
Counseling with one will not help because they will just manipulate the counselor too, making them another patron. They will not change, all they change is victims and methods to not get caught. Counseling just makes them better manipulators by revealing your weaknesses, or allowing them to excuse their inappropriate behavior as being mentally ill. They may even use that as a crutch for special treatment. My ex committed himself after he took his first swing at me and I kicked him out. He had the counselor called me, because I was avoiding all contact, and so it snuck past my radar. It was a conference call, and I heard this innocent psychologist, completely snowed by his victim act, try to pull me back in for him. She was appalled when I informed her that he had threatened to kill me and drove 90 miles an hour to a dead end into the interstate, for mentioning divorce. He had been billing me as the villain and him the victim, as many of these types project onto the victim. She had believed him as most do, and when he tried to backpedal or dismiss my claim, I'm not sure they ever grasped what he was. Even though this reworking things to fit, rewriting history and circumventing things they are guilty of without addressing them is all part of their controlling perception. Even my family was trying to push us back together, feeling sorry for him after committing himself. He had them believing that I was blowing things out of proportion, until he almost succeeded the next attempt on my life.
If you've been singled out, chances are you are not only a victim, but being made the villain as well through blame shifting, gas-lighting, and character assassination. This is to break any support that you might have, keep the victim silent, and to avoid alarming anyone else to their true nature. It is a deeply unsettling position to be abused and taking all the blame as well. It messes with your memory and reality and makes one question if they are crazy. Ironically that's a question they would never ask themselves due to a sever lack of self awareness, or because it was a planned manipulation which seems reasonable to them. They don't question themselves if they are the problem, or if called out on something, consider that maybe they might have done something and try to understand. This is why many people develop memory problems after abuse. When they play with your mind, they literally damage it, and you can develop PTSD. The traumatic moments are seared into your mind while becoming forgetful in other ways. Meanwhile your abuser tends to have a cast iron vault for memories. Liars tend to have excellent memories in order to keep track of their lies, while honest people do not need to expend such energy, but suddenly feel the need when dealing with the ever changing chaos just to keep up! Studies have also shown that those with great self control tend to have worse memories, while psychopaths tend to be impulsive.
Again, I could go on, list out all the horrible experiences I've had, all the situations that fell soundly into the psychopath/sociopath description, and relay how twisted their minds work. I could express the frustrations at being both victim and projected onto as the villain. I could tell you how it has ruined my life and how I stayed longer than I should have out of hope for a person that was not who I thought they were. Feeling sorry for and reaching out to help people got me used and abused, while draining my resources financially and emotionally. The thought of leaving but knowing the fall out would be horrible, kept me tolerating and trying to slowly withdraw only to be pulled back in again and again. But the thing is, even with all this information, and all that I've learned, I still get blind sided by them. Looking back, I can see all the red flags, but as a certain cartoon commented, "when you look at people through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags". While posting about this, I want to help other people not end up like me, it's still hard to explain unless you've been there. So here's another article by someone who's been there called The Dance with the Devil and some excerpts of why being an empath or codependent makes you easy prey for these types. I encourage you to watch the episode of Monk at the bottom. Like I said before it's one of the better illustrations I've seen of how psychopaths and sociopaths work. You can see how they cover their tracks with pawns and patrons, and how Monk is singled out as a threat and people are turned against him, because he sees through the act. You can see how this tears apart Monk's support from people who could help him, and how the charm of a psychopath/sociopath seems to override all reason. And if anything else, it's a good show. But as Tom Clancy said, "the difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense." In reality, the psychopath/sociopath aren't so neatly wrapped up in the end. "The Sociopath uses his or her intuition to find a person to take on a support role in the his/her life and to keep them happy in that role until that person is invested in the relationship. This is called The Hook. Empaths are great support people. We will listen to the Victim’s story, we will help him with his projects, and if we haven’t healed our dependency issues, we will do this in exchange for having material support or for having a sense of purpose and belonging in the world."
"Abusers of the Cluster B Personality Disorder Type are usually charming, attractive people. They know how to make the Empath feel special, but they are shut off from their hearts in order not to feel that worthlessness. They are also liars. He lies to himself, he believes his own lies, and then he tells those lies to the people around him without knowing he is lying.
The Empath starts thinking that she is the crazy one, when it is he who is actually ill. He is so focused on his outer image that he is willing to sacrifice reality (and the Empath). Unfortunately, the Sociopath has usually gathered enough people around him that are willing to go along with the facade. These people, unlike the Empath, do not get past the outer shell and fall for the facade. Or worse, these people catch glimpses of the unhealthy inner core, but do not call him out on his behavior. These people would rather live by appearances as well. As you can imagine, this living-by-appearances is crazy-making for the average Empath. She begins to doubt herself; the Empath can get stuck in a mental loop of analysis of the situation and the relationship without making the realisation that the Hero is happiest living a lie and wants it that way.
However, eventually the relationship disintegrates when the Empath either becomes so drained the Hero has to find another support person, or the Empath leaves the relationship out of desperation for her sanity. For many Empaths it can feel like an act of survival to leave this relationship while everyone else involved thinks the Empath is the crazy, over-reactive one. Most Empaths who have been through this scenario have been in the relationship for years."
Part of what's wrong with the world is people respect those who don't take NO for an answer. You know who doesn't take NO for an answer? Spoiled children, psychopaths, and rapists. Then people wonder how psychopaths become CEOs... because that's who people respect. They think that it takes a lot of courage to be that pushy, but really it takes a blatant disrespect for the boundaries of others, the reduced fear of a psychopath, and the tenacious selfishness of a child.
If I have to say NO more than once to someone, nicely, my NOs get a lot less nice. Because I will see them as either a spoiled child who wants to get their way, a rapist who will just keep going, or a psychopath who sees what they want and don't really care who they walk over to get it. This assessment has rarely been wrong. And this is why when I tell Morgan No, but she keeps going, I often say "You didn't respond when I asked you nicely. Do you want me to ask you not nicely?" She often says no, and then when I ask her nice, she does it. My 6 yr old gets this better than many adults.
There is a plethora of overgrown children who don't respond when you broach things nicely and it's only the threat of escalation they respond to. Yet the immature don't seem to understand why people react the way they do to them or connect that it's a direct response to their behavior. So they seem bewildered when someone doesn't give them their way or want to deal with them. Of course the psychopaths and rapists usually know what they are doing and just don't like being called out on it and their greatest fear is you alerting others to their methods and losing power.
Perhaps if we REALLY want the world to be a better place, there's no better way to start a respect for boundaries than to listen to the word NO. And to be mindful of those who don't accept NO for an answer not as heroes but as the dangerous people they are. Let your YESes be YES and your NOs be NOs, and commit to them when you say them. I have to remind myself of this, but there's always some overgrown child or psycho there to remind me why I can't waver in these without being steamrolled over by them in the pursuit of their desire.
My heart aches for the ranch. I want to be riding a horse through open range where I can't hear a single sound that can be attributed to man or anything manmade. I loved watching the city lights in the distance from the plateau, smelling rain in the air and seeing clouds roll in from miles away. I miss stumbling upon all sorts of weird flora and fauna and even artifacts could be found if you knew where to look. The last time I was there, it was October and the full moon never looked so beautiful as it did from that cabin, a cabin I'd known all my life and would never see again. I knew every inch of that ugly orange shag carpet, and the trick how to open the broken handle on a fridge left over from the 60s. The whole back wall was covered in pages from 1800s Sears and Roebuck catalogues. In the winter we had to keep warm by feeding the fire in an old wood stove. I remember the smell of horse, leather, and wood. And few things were as brilliant as the trap door to the basement that fascinated us kids. There was a peg board there where artwork was thumbtacked. One was my grandfather's and the other mine, from one of our adventures where we would take the watercolors and search for something to paint, often on the side of the road, painting someone's cattle, or the horses at the ranch. It's hard to remember my grandfather, that last night at the ranch. He had always been so strong, so brave, a real cowboy. He was everything I wanted to be, but time always has its say. No matter how weak he was, he never lost his sense of humor. As a youth, I remember his cowboy boots, thick with dust from the trails, and trying to walk in them, shoes I'd never be able to fill. Those were the best moments of my life. Some part of me will always long to relive sitting on the porch, eating watermelon with my grandfather, our legs dangling over the bottom story. We watched my dad and brother throw horseshoes below, while my mother and grandmother could be heard inside. The horses meandered curiously not far away, grazing and moving slowly in search of better grass. It's a place I can never go again and the people who made it home are gone as well. I wish Morgan could have gone there, met my grands, seen the cabin my grandfather designed and the family built. It was a little slice of our own personal history permeated with memories. When I imagine things before I fall asleep, of something happy, it always starts with that ugly orange shag carpet and the place my heart still calls home. There my horse still waits for me to ride the trails that I still remember to the old 1800s caboose, or the shed, or the cliff, or the Olsen's, or the deer trails to the top of the Rimrocks. I'm grateful that I was so fortunate to have those wonderful memories, and so sad that they won't come again.
Fall is coming, and the memories of the ex are fast on its heels. Fall has always been a big memory stimulator for me, and having the worst days of my life associated with it, makes my once favorite season, a rather hard one. It gets the wheels turning in my head. Memories come unbidden. The nightmares kick up, and a general melancholy comes over me with the North wind. It gets me thinking on certain things, observations I wish I had known when I was young and stupid. This is one... there's a big difference between nice and polite. There are plenty of polite people in the South, but they really aren't very nice when you get to know them. I met a lot of nice people in New York, but they weren't very polite. They were direct, and they just didn't want people wasting their time, and I can appreciate that. To me it's more honest. This polite posturing makes me not believe people actually like me, which meant it took a year before I would consent my best friend ever, actually liked me and wasn't just being polite. I liked him a lot, but I'm not easily convinced of reciprocation.
My psychopathic ex-husband used to tell me the way to get out of trouble (in this case a speeding ticket) was to "act nice"... and I just stared at him. What about just BEING nice? Why can't you just BE nice? But that was the thing. It was an act, an act to get people to respond to him favorably, to get what he wanted. It was means to an end, a manipulation that never penetrated the surface, a way for him to mojo himself out of being held accountable for his actions. That's why when he didn't get his way, he often shifted to threats and violence in a heartbeat, because that was what was behind the act, control. The thing is, that works for psychopaths and narcissists because most people don't make it past the facade to see beyond the act. They see the charming, funny, charismatic facade, but psychopaths know how to set the stage and perform captivatingly. Psychopaths often have this glamour effect when they talk that is spellbinding to the listener. That's why you get serial killers where afterward people always say that they seemed like such a nice guy.
The thing is, the real nice people are a little more rough up front, but they're genuine. It's a little harder to accept, not wrapped fancy and neat. They just are and put it out there. While a psychopath or narcissist is a gift box wrapped beautifully and perfectly with nothing inside, most genuinely nice people come unwrapped with the price sticker still on. Genuine people are functional and serve a purpose, while you've already seen the extent of what the pretty box has to offer. Genuine people don't have that euphoric charisma that beguiles people with a silver tongue and a smile that doesn't quite touch their eyes. Psychopaths and narcissists tend to bypass reason, even if your subconscious starts to throw up walls, they have a way of quieting your very founded fears. My ex laughed at me for being worried when we were dating, "What, do you think we're going to get married, and this mask is going to come off and I'll be a monster underneath?" He made it sound ridiculous to be concerned, but that was EXACTLY what happened and he knew it. Listen to your gut, because it knows. Every time I've ignored it, I've been sorry and regretted not heeding that little voice that said something wasn't right, and instead listening to the words of someone who could twist anything to their favor. I've lost a lot because of not listening to my gut.
Personally I try to be polite. I'm getting less nice as I get older and collect more wounds from psychopaths and narcissists. This makes me sad. I like being nice. It's my first impulse to want to help people. But I've had to hold back. Yeah I harp on the subject, because I have had an abnormal number of psychopaths and narcissists in my life, and no, not everyone who hurt me fits in that category. But it's a high percentage of the people I cut out of my life, which is really a rather low number. I haven't even gotten to counting on my toes. But one person can do a hell of a lot of damage that accumulates over time. I've already mightily screwed up my own life by repeatedly getting involved with such people. I only hope others will learn from my mistakes. Cause, goodness knows, I'll probably do it again, about the time I relax and think I've got this.
Polite is easy to see. Nice... well that comes with time and if you ask a psychopath if they are a good person, they will tell you how awesome they are, while hiding dark despicable deeds. A narcissist will never have the wherewithal to question whether they might be the problem. And both will justify whatever they do to be the "right" thing. All you can do is watch what they do, and pay attention. That knot in your gut knows why that person can't hold down a regular job, or keep a boyfriend for long, or why their close friends don't stay close for long before there's a new one, or why the people who seem the closest live miles and miles away and don't see them much. People tend to like psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists at first... but eventually emotionally healthy people get tired of the crap through constant exposure, and patient friends are just rewarded with more abuse for their toleration. All that does is enable the person to keep steamrolling over people. The only person who can cure a narcissist, is the narcissist themselves, and most don't want to because they enjoy it. It takes them really committing to caring about others and wanting to change. But most are incapable. To narcissists, their "caring" is what other people can do for them, not what they can do for others. Even when they do something for someone else, they tend to do it as a social obligation for appearances more than genuine concern, much like the psychopath, for which there is no cure. Their "good" deeds are done for show and manipulation. They are born that way and they will never change. Sociopaths... well... they have their own set of rules that don't quite work within society. That's why they are called Anti-social as in against society. You're not going to get anywhere with them either. Save yourself the heartache and don't waste your life like I have. Get out, and don't mistake polite for nice. Polite has no commitment. It's a pretty sign that doesn't do anything. Nice listens. Nice gives. Nice empathizes. Nice is grateful. Nice helps you move. Nice isn't overly critical or self centered. Nice is an expression of the good within someone. Polite is a rehearsed response to adhere to social graces. I'll take nice over polite any day.
