Neverland

People have a lot of misconceptions about narcissism and tend to think that it's the same as vanity. Although that can coexist with narcissism, it can be any quality that a person thinks makes them entitled to special treatment. Although I've seen many a supposed beauty who could measure their narcissism in selfies/hr, I have seen many narcissists who think their intelligence entitles them to special treatment and the world should just bow to them. They live to be told how brilliant they are while other people do the work. I have even seen narcissistic mothers who live to be told what a wonderful mother they are or how special their children are.

Narcissism's main indicator is a need for narcissistic supply, to have their specialness constantly reinforced by others to attain an illusion of superiority. That feeling of superiority then creates a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy for others. But there's one source of narcissism that doesn't get talked about. It's the kind that creates the Brock Turners of the world... and that the sheer fact that they are a man.

Unfortunately there are plenty of world religions providing this narcissistic supply, saying men are made in God's image and women are to serve men. The result is it churns out narcissistic males who feel entitled to sex, entitled to women, entitled to special treatment for being male, and a lack of empathy for women which explains why the medical profession takes women's pain, issues, and concerns so lightly. It's why we have a double standard and women's emotions and suffering are treated so unempathetically. But while other forms of narcissism may fade like beauty, intelligence might lessen with aging mental capacity, and a narcissist (who themselves are the only people who can cure a narcissist) might take new stock at their life and reform, a man will always be a man and there will always be an endless supply of rhetoric and a network of enablers and womanizers feeding that narcissistic supply through religion, media, and judges offering lighter sentences for violent crimes against women.

While not all men are narcissistic, there is a structure in place that has created an epidemic of narcissistic men who feel more entitled than ever to sex and women. The media encourages it. Being a womanizer is met with fist bumps for exploiting women while being a responsible mate is regarded as being "whipped". Peter Pan complex (which is the same as narcissism) has created a generation of man-children who never want to grow up. They want their codependent Wendy playing mom and taking care of things while they have their Tinkerbell mistresses. 

Narcissism is a serious disorder that destroys one's capacity for making meaningful relationships. It can compound other disorders and make them even more destructive. But therapy doesn't often work for narcissists because they often enjoy it and just manipulate therapists instead of dealing with their issues, because that would mean admitting they aren't as awesome as they think they are and they tend to withdraw or quit in situations where they don't have control or narcissistic supply. Emotional vulnerability, self awareness, compassion, and nurturing are all weaknesses to a narcissist, or in other words, considered "unmanly" and qualities they exploit in they're victims i.e. Women. Instead they collect their jars of hearts and continue being Lost Boys. 

The problem is they have created a Neverland here full of double standards, male privilege, and lamentations of women where women are blamed when men make bad choices and can be hurt without empathy using phrases like "20 minutes of action", as they destroy a woman's life. We need more men like the two who had empathy that pulled Brock Turner off his victim. So please don't feed the narcissists. It's like feeding bears. They stop searching for healthy relationships and start expecting others to give them things or go through the garbage until they become a nuisance to everyone. Hold them accountable and stop using phrases like "boys will be boys". You are perpetuating male entitlement which leads to worse things. It's more than just teaching consent and empathy. If you tell boys they are special for being boys, they become entitled and lack the empathy to respect consent. 

If anyone should be entitled to anything, it is respect, and that is earned by giving it, by acting responsibly, through caring and self discipline. Entitlements are just excuses for people to act like overgrown 3 year olds. Respect has to be earned, but its foundation is stronger and not as fragile as a narcissistic ego that needs supply. It's unshakable as it is strengthened every day in action through strong character. That's what makes a man instead of a Lost Boy.

Neverland

People have a lot of misconceptions about narcissism and tend to think that it's the same as vanity. Although that can coexist with narcissism, it can be any quality that a person thinks makes them entitled to special treatment. Although I've seen many a supposed beauty who could measure their narcissism in selfies/hr, I have seen many narcissists who think their intelligence entitles them to special treatment and the world should just bow to them. They live to be told how brilliant they are while other people do the work. I have even seen narcissistic mothers who live to be told what a wonderful mother they are or how special their children are.

Narcissism's main indicator is a need for narcissistic supply, to have their specialness constantly reinforced by others to attain an illusion of superiority. That feeling of superiority then creates a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy for others. But there's one source of narcissism that doesn't get talked about. It's the kind that creates the Brock Turners of the world... and that the sheer fact that they are a man.

Unfortunately there are plenty of world religions providing this narcissistic supply, saying men are made in God's image and women are to serve men. The result is it churns out narcissistic males who feel entitled to sex, entitled to women, entitled to special treatment for being male, and a lack of empathy for women which explains why the medical profession takes women's pain, issues, and concerns so lightly. It's why we have a double standard and women's emotions and suffering are treated so unempathetically. But while other forms of narcissism may fade like beauty, intelligence might lessen with aging mental capacity, and a narcissist (who themselves are the only people who can cure a narcissist) might take new stock at their life and reform, a man will always be a man and there will always be an endless supply of rhetoric and a network of enablers and womanizers feeding that narcissistic supply through religion, media, and judges offering lighter sentences for violent crimes against women.

While not all men are narcissistic, there is a structure in place that has created an epidemic of narcissistic men who feel more entitled than ever to sex and women. The media encourages it. Being a womanizer is met with fist bumps for exploiting women while being a responsible mate is regarded as being "whipped". Peter Pan complex (which is the same as narcissism) has created a generation of man-children who never want to grow up. They want their codependent Wendy playing mom and taking care of things while they have their Tinkerbell mistresses. 

Narcissism is a serious disorder that destroys one's capacity for making meaningful relationships. It can compound other disorders and make them even more destructive. But therapy doesn't often work for narcissists because they often enjoy it and just manipulate therapists instead of dealing with their issues, because that would mean admitting they aren't as awesome as they think they are and they tend to withdraw or quit in situations where they don't have control or narcissistic supply. Emotional vulnerability, self awareness, compassion, and nurturing are all weaknesses to a narcissist, or in other words, considered "unmanly" and qualities they exploit in they're victims i.e. Women. Instead they collect their jars of hearts and continue being Lost Boys. 

The problem is they have created a Neverland here full of double standards, male privilege, and lamentations of women where women are blamed when men make bad choices and can be hurt without empathy using phrases like "20 minutes of action", as they destroy a woman's life. We need more men like the two who had empathy that pulled Brock Turner off his victim. So please don't feed the narcissists. It's like feeding bears. They stop searching for healthy relationships and start expecting others to give them things or go through the garbage until they become a nuisance to everyone. Hold them accountable and stop using phrases like "boys will be boys". You are perpetuating male entitlement which leads to worse things. It's more than just teaching consent and empathy. If you tell boys they are special for being boys, they become entitled and lack the empathy to respect consent. 

If anyone should be entitled to anything, it is respect and that is earned by giving it, by acting responsibly, through caring and self discipline. Entitlements are just excuses for people to act like overgrown 3 year olds. Respect has to be earned, but its foundation is stronger and not as fragile as a narcissistic ego that needs supply. It's unshakable as it is strengthened every day in action through strong character. That's what makes a man instead of a Lost Boy.

Is It the Way He Walks...

The song goes, "Is it the way he walks? Oh no that's not the way," however I think that there actually is a red flag there that is a predictor for emotionally unavailable men.  While I haven't done extensive amounts of dating, the majority of those I have dated were narcissist, psychopaths, or other brands of emotionally unavailable. I'm codependent, and like moths to a flame, I attract the dark triad, but I also am wise to them, which they find terribly upsetting. I'm good at deciphering patterns and I've noticed one in the emotionally unavailable men that I've known. It really is in the way they walk. 

An alpha male protects the herd. He doesn't prey on it.

In a ways it has a lot to do with herd mentality. I'm a protector, a nurturer, a caregiver, so when I am in a group, I tend to walk at the back of the group. This way I can keep an eye on everyone in front of me and be there if they need help. I started doing this while horseback riding on trails, because the trail leader could not see everyone and I was often as much or more experienced than the guide. Occasionally I have been known to jump off my horses and pull a rock out of a hoof, or pull off a loose shoe that the trail leader would have been oblivious to, being in the front. It truly is the guardian position.  It's also the most vulnerable position in a herd, as those who linger behind the pack are often picked off by predators. The sick and the weak can't keep up with the herd.  To leave one behind is to leave them to die, to not care for them anymore. This is why the stallion in a herd of horses takes up the rear most position. He leads from the rear, where he can safeguard the whole herd and not lose anyone because as alpha male, his job is not to lord over everyone and be served, but to serve and protect. Being the most likely to be targeted by a predator, as well as the strongest of the herd, the stallion is the most likely to be successful in fighting off a predator and defending the herd. He makes himself vulnerable to attack because he is strong and confident, having won the position of alpha in many duels with other stallions. Meanwhile emotionally unavailable men are immensely afraid of being vulnerable.

The emotionally unavailable man does the opposite. They avoid the vulnerable position in many ways, but also in walking together. The day after I married my first husband, the psychopath, I found him walking off in front of me, rarely stopping for me to keep up or even looking back to see where I was. All he was thinking of was himself, charging forward with no regard for companions. This has been a consistent behavior among every abusive boyfriend I've had. Sometimes they'll stop and wait up, knowing that this is wrong, catching themselves, but by their very nature, their first impulse is to move forward regardless of the herd. It's about them and their needs, which is consistent with several malevolent personality disorders.

As an example, I had broken my leg and was on crutches as I hobbled into the building to have surgery on my ankle. My husband would not slow down, and in trying to keep up, I ended up falling and breaking my leg worse, which earned an irritated and bewildered look, but no acknowledgement of his own need to be aware of others. When we went to Disney, I paid for the trip, had all the money and provisions in a backpack, but my husband again would dart off leaving me behind almost like I was supposed to chase him, leaving me to weave in and out of crowds that swallowed up the path in his wake. Even after I told him about it, he continued to do it. It was just in his nature. 

Meanwhile, I know another alpha male that he leads from behind. I know several men who are extremely jealous of him, because women throw themselves at him. If you are falling behind, he puts his hand in the small of the woman's back to keep her with him and safe. The protector of the herd... and women flock to it, because he has the herd mentality. He thinks of the groups as we, instead of only thinking of himself.

Recently a friend wanted to see what I thought of a man she was interested in, and when he walked ahead of us, it bothered me. He stopped and looked back, and there was something just wrong about that simple little action. It turned out that he was also emotionally unavailable and suddenly I started to piece together why that bothered me. I'd seen it before, time and time again. So if you really want to know if he loves you so... it's not in his kiss. It's in his walk. Can your significant other walk the walk or are they leaving you behind in more ways than one? 

Logic Time

Atrocities are the byproduct of a need for control and so is the aftermath. Shootings are very emotional events, and like with anyone who has been exposed to violence, they want to make sure it never happens again. Most people want someone to blame. They want punishment of anyone who might ever do such a thing, and to control the situation. Ironic since the person committing the crime seems the least blamed, and that the event happened out of their need for control.

 If people are willing to break the law to kill innocent people, what makes you think a law will stop them? This is not how you stop these people, because they are already seeking to break the law by killing people! Only people who don't understand psychology think laws are preventative with people who have no regard for boundaries. They only help you prosecute after the crime has been committed. 

Shooters are predators, and predators choose "weak" prey that are least likely to fight back, which is why MOST shootings happen in gun free zones.  Armed citizens have proven to reduce casualties in an active shooter situation, as does fighting back. California has the strictest gun laws in the country and they did not help. Shooters attempt to do the most damage with the least amount of risk to themselves. Anyone who wants to hurt you, will try to weaken you to prevent you from fighting back.  In abusive situations, they will try to remove a support group of outside people that they view as a threat or tear down your confidence to keep you from leaving.  They use rules, laws, and guilt to keep you from fighting back, while they feel above such things. They keep you dependent. Dependent is seen as weak, because it means you cannot defend yourself. The moment you have to depend on someone else for your safety, you are vulnerable.

All the psychopaths I have known, leaned
politically toward liberal Democrat. Though they
themselves did not care much about obeying laws,
they were keen on controlling everyone else's rights.

In most violent situations, you are going to be on your own, and your own response time is going to make the difference. It's time to stop expecting the government to protect you and make everything okay. The police are not psychic superheroes that jump in to save you before you get hurt. They cannot do anything until after a crime has already been committed, which means, damage has already been done, and damage can be done in seconds instead of the minutes it takes for help to arrive. So it is essential to have some knowledge to defend yourself. Just the sheer act of practicing self defense will make you more capable in a situation. When my ex threw a punch at me, my muscle memory acted on reflex before my brain could kick in or freak out. My reflexes could respond then, when in less prepared situations, I froze. When something happens so outside your normal world, it is very natural to freeze or hesitate as your brain has never encountered such a situation. Only preparing can overcome that resistance to accept something outside the norm. Your best defense is to learn to defend yourself, because even if something does happen, the sheer act of fighting back will help you deal with being a victim better. Get your own gun or take martial arts. And always be aware of your surroundings and exits. This is not just for shooters but muggers, rapists, and violent exes. I've had some scary and painful first dates. You just never know who is going to be antisocial. 

The people who will attack you in any of these situations are not normal people gone bad. They are what are known as antisocial, which is NOT introverted. Antisocial means against society, also known as sociopaths or psychopaths, who have no respect for the rules of society and pride themselves in getting around those rules. They have no guilt or empathy and in the case of psychopaths will actually draw pleasure from hurting you, which is very aberrant brain activity, making up a single digit percentage of the population. These same people steal, lie, and manipulate for a feeling of power and control. They are NOT normal law-abiding gun owners. If you want to blame a "group" that is responsible, blame psychopaths, and realize that they do not respond to the normal constraints of normal people and are incurable, unreasonable, and capable of anything. Antisocial personalities can be any sex, religion, or culture. They look just like everybody else, which makes quick judgments difficult for media and other head hunters looking for someone to blame. You can only tell them by their behavior or a brain scan. But chances are, this is a pattern and not a one time instance. Even if they aren't overtly breaking laws... or at least getting caught breaking the law, they are likely parasitic in their relationships and there are signs of their disregard for boundaries. 

Owning a gun does not instantly make someone antisocial. It has been proven that people with their conceal carry are some of the most trustworthy law-abiding citizens. Much gun crime is done by repeat offenders, who are not allowed weapons anyhow, while shooters often have little gun experience. So the dude going down to the range to shoot once a week is more likely to be the one you want at your back if something does go down than the person you should be afraid of committing the crime. He's already law abiding. Meanwhile the thug with the rap sheet as long as his arm who should still be in jail, probably stole said gun or got it illegally. A thug is not going to let on that he owns one. The real threats to society are those who are already antisocial / anti-society. It is more difficult to outlaw a personality disorder that belongs to many CEOs and politicians running this country, because they expressed their need for power over others differently.

Gun control has not improved the situation. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. We have more gun control and more shooters. They are increasing at the same rate. It's not working, because that is not the root of the problem. I live near Kennesaw, Ga which began to require all it's citizens to be armed, in opposition to the increasing gun control. The result was that crime all but evaporated and criminals started targeting the surrounding "weaker" cities instead. The one shooter incident that happened in Kennesaw was in the one gun free zone, the Post Office. Someone tried to carjack in Kennesaw and was instantly taken down by an armed citizen. 

Part of the mentality that is the growing problem is thinking of the government as a god that can alter the universe with a vote.  You are not entitled to be taken care of, and you cannot outlaw a mental condition that has been around since the dawn of time. While psychopaths show up with brain scans, sociopathy, or learned anti-social behavior does not. So we have to do something that we should have been doing from the start, judging people on their own personal actions and not their attributes or accoutrements. The government is not a god, not your parents there to take care of you, because you don't want to grow up and take responsibility. It is our country and our responsibility to care for it and our neighbors. We have become complacent and need to get actively involved with our own protection. We need to be able to identify those with antisocial psychiatric risks and stop letting antisocial violent criminals out of prison to make room for non-violent victimless drug users. Stop targeting innocent people and looking for blame. If you want to control something. Take control of yourself, and prepare for emergencies. In all of history, our generation has been blessed to live in a time of relative peace that has allowed us to grow and progress at an abnormal rate. However, that is not the norm. It is a fragile state and must be maintained by us. We can't just delegate our security to someone else and expect them to take it as seriously. You are a statistic to the government. It's up to you, what kind of statistic you are. 

Money and the Dark Triad

Before we get started, I'll let Wikipedia define the Dark Triad. As I seem to attract all three and they have traits that overlap and make it hard to distinguish between a self centered narcissist and a self obsessed sociopath or psychopath. Due to this overlap I'm going to refer to my observations about the malignant personality types as the triad though some may apply more to narcissists and some more to psychopaths. However they each qualify under malevolent qualities. All three of these are self-absorbed liars and manipulators, who lack empathy and exploit others. While they may be different flavors of crap, they're still all steaming piles of crap.

The dark triad ^[1] is a group of three personality traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.^[2][3][4] Use of the term "dark" implies that these traits have malevolent qualities:^[5][6][7][8]

• Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy.^[9]
• Machiavellianism is characterized by manipulation and exploitation of others, a cynical disregard for morality, and a focus on self-interest and deception.^[10]
• Psychopathy is characterized by enduring antisocial behavior, impulsivity, selfishness, callousness, and remorselessness.^[11]

The Dark Triad tends to be attracted to a certain type of person, whether you want to call it empathetic, empaths, codependent, care giver, or just kind or caring people, the triad considers these people to be ripe pickings for their dramas, because the caring and empathy they lack or only pretend to have is seen as a weakness that is easy to manipulate. You'll often find more than one empath around one of the triad, as they tend to use their poison on multiple people. However you may notice that the triad will cycle through these people, and once they've used one up, another one is already waiting in the wings to be manipulated. There's a high turn over rate for those close to one of the triad, and those who stay are either being manipulated through fear, guilt, and false hope or abundantly patient, waiting on the person to change into the act they first met. 

They will not change. The problem is that there is absolutely no cure for psychopathy, as their brain is literally wired wrong to enjoy causing pain. The prognosis for the rest of the triad is not so good either. Machs are often proud of what they are, and narcissists enjoy their malevolent behavior as well. The only person who can cure a narcissist is themselves, but as they lack the empathy to care about how they hurt others, they aren't often interested in changing. Besides, there's another person waiting to be their bitch, especially if they are attractive. So if you love one of the triad, you either need to have some seriously strong boundaries and know how to keep them from violating yours (which takes more energy than most people have). If not, you need to get out and accept that a relationship is only as healthy as its only unhealthiest member, and they are pretty much as unhealthy as it gets, with no hope of improvement. This is why I find it necessary to attempt to help educate people, so they won't have to suffer through the same things I have, time and again as I tried to reason with the unreasonable. Unfortunately if you are someone who has been abused, you attract and are often attracted to abusers. Victims will repeat the cycle until dealing with the core of the original abuse, understanding yourself and your motivations, and learning to spot red flags early on. So maybe this will help highlight some red flags.

Money is Power, and they are all about power. As the Dark Triad is all about power and control, you can expect money to be one of the big focuses of a malignant triad. They are wheelers and dealers, concerned with seeing how much they can get, while giving the least. This is more than the simple pleasures of finding something on sale or saving money, because they are often impulsive spendthrifts on themselves.  Instead it's about manipulating people. It's a power rush for a triad to control something. So you can count on them to attempt to "mojo" others into giving them something for nothing or at least less. The name of the game is (and I've heard this exact phrase out of a few) "I want to see how much money I can get out of them" or "Let me mojo them, I bet I can make them to give it to me". This is often a point of pride to a triad to be able to not just get a good deal but to "talk them into it". The more they can get out of someone, the more powerful and reaffirmed in their specialness they feel. 

They probably have bad credit. This is more common among antisocial behavior (antisocial equates to sociopathic NOT introverted), but still holds true across the board for the more malignant exploitive sides of the disorders. While one of the triad may try to control their partner's spending, psychopaths especially are very impulsive and can't seem to budget or control their own spending, so they control the one person with control, you. Often debts are ignored, including any contributions that the triad feels entitled to in order to dig them out of their financial hole. This hand up is often treated with ungratefulness or entitlement, as if they were deserving of it. Work done for them will often go unpaid or bills ignored unless there is some sort of penalty to keep them in check. They hate these penalties and any repercussions for their late payments, because accountability is foreign and unfair to them. If someone has haggled you on getting work cheap, they tend to also be the ones less likely to pay up or not have it when the time comes. They rarely hold up their end of the bargain. This disregard for others and entitlement means that student loans get evaded, taxes don't get filed, and workers go unpaid, while the triad lines their own coffers. 

Gifts come with strings attached. If they do spend money on you, they want something. This is the guy who feels entitled to sex, because he bought you dinner. Also it is the person who bought you a present and now thinks they have the right to tell you what to do with it. Or it is the person who now uses a gift as power over you in some way. This is more than someone who gives and gives and then feels unappreciated and explodes. That's usually the victim who is a giver while the triad often a taker or parasite. The triad simply will use what they can to elicit the responses they want out of people, and while they seem unconcerned with what they owe, they also are the first to say "you owe me". They tend to ignore thousands of dollars spent on them, but if they spend a dollar, you should be grateful, and look at what they do for you. When they give, often they don't give you what you want/need, but what they think you should have. My ex, knowing I hate anything on my wrists, bought me a watch and then got mad that I didn't wear it, and well, my dad did the same damn thing. Both knew from the start that I hated watches, and though I tended to be on time or early, they still insisted not only on buying me one, but griping that I never wore it.
If they find out you have money, they'll find a way to spend it... on them. Controlling the money means controlling people and debasing the power of others. The triad wants to be in control and believes they are the only ones worthy of being in control or wielding power. So they want to control the money and how it is spent to make sure their victim is without power, in some cases the power to leave. They will always make their need seem greater than yours. My ex didn't want me to work, because he wanted to keep me financially dependent. Then when I did work, he would spend my entire paycheck so I couldn't. Once, my mother gave me some money, just for me, and the moment he discovered I had it, he repurposed it immediately. This is the same person that one day ran off without a word, emptied the bank account, leaving me $40 to my name. He then "lost" $700... about the running rate for cocaine and whores, I've been told. He then, as psychopaths cannot conceive cause and effect, could not understand why I got a separate bank account. Meanwhile I was forbidden to spend money on myself, and if I bought anything, I would be reamed for it. At the same time he was constantly bringing home things from Belks where he was a manager. For my birthday, he invited me to the store he worked at and made me pick out and buy my own present with my own damned money, but it had to be what he wanted me to have, lingerie.
They are both nicer to people with money and jealous of them. The way to control money is to manipulate people who have it. Almost every member of the triad I've known was far nicer to people with money but could be a down right bastard to people without... even if they themselves happen to be poor due to mismanagement of their own money. That's because they only care about people as far as they can use them and view most people as there to serve their needs like some disinherited royalty. At the same time I saw many of them kissing ass in public, when we were alone there was often a great deal of jealousy and resentment that the triad somehow thought they deserved the wealth, fame, attention, or influence more. This is in spite of any hard work or savvy the powerful person needed to attain said power. But the triad moreso narcissists/psychopaths are too busy being jealous and entitled to take note of the work it took to get there, not understanding cause and affect as well as they think. Meanwhile Machs tend to take notes and learn more than wasting time being jealous. The more egocentric of the triad want to not only be in control, but sole control, and don't want anyone else to have more than them, so they can live by their own rules and not have to answer to anyone. Seeing people who possess what they want, burns these extreme egos. They are rarely happy for other people's success unless they are actively using those people to reach their own to be center stage.

Materialism. Possessions are about Power. If the dark triad have any love languages, it's gifts and words of affirmation, receiving both, not actually giving like people who actually are capable of genuine love. They are groomers of their own image, because they know that image is how they manipulate people, so they use things to enhance that image. It translates into power. Whether it's a spiffy wardrobe, a fancy car, a big house, or the newest gadget, they are not only keeping up with the Joneses, they want to be the Joneses. Narcissists' big tell is a need for narcissistic supply, or people to inflate their ego. This narcissistic supply comes from people telling them how awesome they are, whether it's beauty, intelligence, or some other facet which they believe entitles them to special treatment. They chafe at the "negativity" and feelings of others, also known as "reality", but they themselves are very negative and extremely harsh critics, when it comes judging others. They use this to make psychopathic fiction of their specialness and superiority in order to contrast and make themselves look better. Triads surround themselves with caring people who constantly tell them what they want to hear and revile those who poke holes in their bubbles with honesty or logic. This double standard ensures that they are receiving, not giving, because they feel above even their own rules. Their obsession with possessions is just an extension of their obsession with power and control. While they often have no concern for how they treat your stuff, in a relationship they tend to be "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine". This is the ignoring of boundaries at play. And antisocial triads have no qualms about just taking things to prove they can, and find the power play an amusing game. The bigger problem is that when it comes to acquiring "things"... YOU may be considered one of these acquisitions. I had one person who I was engaged to, treat me like a tool and offer me to someone else to do art for them without asking me in the least, while I was sitting right there. "Oh, Lindsay will do that for you." "Excuse me?" Psychopaths' proto-emotion of caring is often with the person they care about as a form of property. My exhusband who had 3 short-lived marriages before me, often referred to me as "my wife", dehumanizing me and indicating that I was little more than property. The operative word to them is "MY", which is all that matters to them. The triad acquire things and people to help them meet their goals to attain power, even if they go about it in different ways. While those objectified people may be expendable and interchangeable, it's the power attached to them that carries actual meaning to a triad, such as having an attractive mate, but who is inside that mate doesn't matter. One poster child for narcissism, and admitted Peter Pan complex (which is the same thing) used to attempt to devalue his exes by sending them chocolates to make them fat after a break up. Because at their core, the triad cares most about looks and controlling the perception of others. It couldn't be the break up had anything to do with him being a giant prick. He had to make it seem like she was no longer worthy of him, and make sure everyone else felt that way too by devaluing her, instead of looking too closely at him.
All the world's a stage. If anything, the triad are good actors. Psychopaths and sociopaths, though actually lacking in empathy are mimics who can put on a good show of being an empath, but it's all empty and surface level. It's merely part of how they draw victims in and never lasts once they get you where they want you. Ted Bundy pretended to be injured to get kind people to help him so he could lure them away to be killed. He set the stage and drew them in. Narcissists and Machs too, are about setting the stage for their intrigues, as well.  Narcissists make big entrances, soaking up as much of the spotlight as possible, while Machs are often pulling strings back stage. They all wear masks while hiding their true selves, and ruining anyone who tries to reveal the truth about them. Once, my ex told me to "act nice" if you get pulled over and they'll let you off. He often advised me how to "act", because he couldn't BE or even conceive of BEING nice. If you turned your back, you'd see how ugly he truly was. He told me how he learned to make himself cry on stage by staring into the light to make his eyes water, and then I caught him doing it while trying to make me feel sorry for him. But a good actor, needs a set, a stage, and that's where money comes in. One of the reasons I have come to loathe Christmas, was because of my ex's obsession with making everything LOOK perfect. Meanwhile I was in a torturously abusive relationship inside that house. He cared more about how strangers perceived how happy we must be from the outside, than the atrocities inside, and he treated his own body the same way. He was always a sharp dresser and loved the attention. He spent more on clothes and hair product than I ever did, and people responded to him more than they ever did me. I guess when you don't care about people just perception, there's no need for social anxiety. With the stage set, he played the good Christian in front of my folks for Christmas, forcing them to watch Jesus of Nazereth, when in truth he was the leader of a wiccan coven. It was just a shell game. He used his purchases to play the pristine soul and cover the stench of the rotting corpse that lay within. These performances helped him turn people against me time and time again to where I was not only being victimized by him, but by everyone else forcing him on me as well. They always bought the act, which is all he ever had to give. And most people don't take the time to look very deep past their glamours.

It's all about them. There was a story once of a man who found a credit card in the parking lot. Instead of turning it in, he used it to buy a meal with his buddies. This same man had $250 cash on him, and was a millionaire. I guarantee he was one of the dark triad. They don't do this out of any need. They aren't Aladdin stealing bread because they are starving. At the end of the day it's all about them, and what they get out of it. They aren't concerned with paying people what they're worth, because they aren't really concerned with other people outside of how it affects them and what they can get out of it. Funny how someone who treats you like crap and makes you feel horrible about yourself, only does so, so you will sell yourself short and give them the milk for free. At the end of the day, they know you're worth... They just don't want to have to pay for it. 

If you have one of the dark triad breaking you down, odds are that while they are tearing you down telling you what's wrong with you, they are doing so because of what's right with you. They've found something good and they know it. And all the vile things spill out of what is wrong with them far more than what is wrong with you. Healthy people don't go around destroying others and stomping all over their boundaries. If any of this sounds familiar, please seek counseling, because of the inevitable emotional damage they will wreak upon you, but know that counseling will not help a member of the dark triad. These malignant personalities will just use therapy to either become better at manipulating people, or manipulate the therapist into another way to control you. Mine wrapped one therapist around his finger and was using her to try and make me come back to him, till I informed her how he tried to kill me. This is after he had groomed another therapist onto his side with ease, spinning things to be the victim. At the end of the day, they will just lie and manipulate and continue to do what they do. It is simply in their nature. Of all the lies of dealing with the dark triad. The worst ones are the ones we tell ourselves about who they are. They have already told you who they are with their actions. Stop listening to what they say. 

The importance of NO

Part of what's wrong with the world is people respect those who don't take NO for an answer. You know who doesn't take NO for an answer? Spoiled children, psychopaths, and rapists. Then people wonder how psychopaths become CEOs... because that's who people respect. They think that it takes a lot of courage to be that pushy, but really it takes a blatant disrespect for the boundaries of others, the reduced fear of a psychopath, and the tenacious selfishness of a child.

If I have to say NO more than once to someone, nicely, my NOs get a lot less nice. Because I will see them as either a spoiled child who wants to get their way, a rapist who will just keep going, or a psychopath who sees what they want and don't really care who they walk over to get it. This assessment has rarely been wrong. And this is why when I tell Morgan No, but she keeps going, I often say "You didn't respond when I asked you nicely. Do you want me to ask you not nicely?" She often says no, and then when I ask her nice, she does it. My 6 yr old gets this better than many adults.

There is a plethora of overgrown children who don't respond when you broach things nicely and it's only the threat of escalation they respond to. Yet the immature don't seem to understand why people react the way they do to them or connect that it's a direct response to their behavior. So they seem bewildered when someone doesn't give them their way or want to deal with them. Of course the psychopaths and rapists usually know what they are doing and just don't like being called out on it and their greatest fear is you alerting others to their methods and losing power.

Perhaps if we REALLY want the world to be a better place, there's no better way to start a respect for boundaries than to listen to the word NO. And to be mindful of those who don't accept NO for an answer not as heroes but as the dangerous people they are. Let your YESes be YES and your NOs be NOs, and commit to them when you say them. I have to remind myself of this, but there's always some overgrown child or psycho there to remind me why I can't waver in these without being steamrolled over by them in the pursuit of their desire.

10 Things I've Noticed about Emotionally Abusive People

Here are things I've noticed about the problem (emotionally abusive) people in my life. I don't know if they all have the same personality disorders, but it makes me leery of these traits. It's not that any of these are horrible on their own, but combined seem to make trouble for me personally.

1. Very enthusiastically friendly and charming on first meeting. 
It's almost like walking into someone's house with an undisciplined dog. They are in your face and you will like them. It can cause a feeling like you are being glamoured, like they want something, or you feel like a wall goes up instinctively as if they are forcing an impression on you. Kinda like a car salesman, but they're selling themselves. There ARE kind, happy people you meet that are interested in you, but this feels different, because they are making themselves the main focus.

2. Obsessive phone callers.
This is why I hate talking on the phone unless necessary. When I tried to leave my ex-husband, he literally called me every 15 minutes. Every single problem person would call for something that could be handled in one sentence in an email, and consume your time talking about themselves. Someone calls you on the phone, it interrupts life, while messages wait till you're ready to respond. It's a way of demanding attention, and these obsessive callers are always miffed when people don't answer. One commented that they could see people commenting on Facebook and how dare they not respond. When I put my foot down with one in chat who was telling me my own mind, and I told her she was wrong, she called for 2 hours lamenting how mean I was for that and how horrible. I never got a word in edgewise, so I put the phone down and walked away... she never stopped talking.  The thing with phones is that you have no record of what was said  unless recording it, which most people don't, so they can say whatever they like off record and there's no proof. The same people will display a completely different personality in text for this very reason. They use excuses like "you can't understand the tone", etc... which is not something I have really seen to be the case, except by people who read things into text that isn't there.

3. Controls the conversation.
Even when the conversation is about someone else, they tend to make it somehow about themselves. When angered, it's hard to get a word in edgewise. They tend to be controlling in general, and by controlling the conversation it can never go where they don't want it. When I would meet my ex-husband for lunch, he would talk about himself, usually while he was eating all my french fries and exclaiming how bad they are, and the moment I started to speak, he would decide it was time to go.

4. Is a snob.
"This is the way it's done", "You don't understand because this is the way it works", or "I know what I'm talking about (and you don't)".  What they like is what's right, and what others like isn't. Everyone does this to a certain extent. We all have our preferences. But they will speak like their preference and agenda is the only way to go and look down on others for not going along with it... even if they have very good reasons.  Because that's the principle of it, an excuse to look down on others.

5. They are extremely sensitive to feelings, unless they're yours.
My ex-husband would claim to be a feminist and criticize the husband of one woman who was obviously controlled by her husband, and yet was the same to me. But if I dared to fight back, I was mean and horrible. With all these similar people, they did not seem to have any guilt about hurting my feelings, but if I stepped a toe out of line in any way that displeased them in the least, there was drama to pay. While I was expected to tolerate unreasonable behavior, they were allowed to do whatever. Any feigned interest in my feelings was used to spin it to make them look caring in the midst of them railing against being called out. One used other people's circumstances to garner sympathy and attention for herself by displaying how much she "cared". When at the heart of it, she cared about what she got out of it.


6. They hate to be ignored and have to be the center of attention.
I was watching Riverdance with my ex and said something about how I liked the dancing and wished I could take it. "I can do that" he proclaimed like a 5 year old and proceeded to get up and dance like an idiot who didn't know what he was doing, because he didn't. It was a moment of "hey look at me." Another was visibly put out when someone gave me a sincere compliment even though she complimented me, but it was insincere flattery and she wanted the attention. One threw such a fit when I got hit on more than her that she sold her Renfest costume, because she was obviously prettier and smarter than me and was pissed when reality didn't support her assertions. Which leads us to...

7. They are jealous.
My ex-husband was so jealous that he hated people who had more than him. He didn't want me even being friends with other guys and tormented me if I was. Another was terribly jealous of another woman out of fear that she might be prettier than her, because that's how she manipulated people into giving her what she wanted. This jealousy usually manifested in severe criticism of the other person but not for actual wrongs, hunting for reasons to dislike someone and then trying to diminish them to make themselves look better.

8. Making themselves seem much bigger and more important than they actually are.
I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm not that important. It rather worries me when people compliment me, because of the insincere flattery and the setting on a pedestal to tear me down. These people do not have that problem and are all too eager to tell you how big and bad they are, even if when it's time to put their money where their mouth is,  and they can't. One seemed far more successful because her gentleman caller had given her lots of equipment. The guys tended to do martial arts moves to seem more knowledgeable or intimidating than they were. One told me how smart she was and was mad that in this house with Trenton, she was far from the top of the list. She was mad that I beat her constantly at board games. Another girl told me she was so much better than me as an artist and fencer, meanwhile I beat her in tournaments and was offered art deals when she wasn't. It didn't mean she was bad, but she just was not as good as she touted. I perceived us to be on the same level, but she could not have that.

9. Professing to be deep, but being shallow.
For all I've been told by these people how spiritual or what not they were... it was hard to ascertain a spirituality that was more than them getting what they want... They seemed very focused on the physical and being perceived as physically attractive. Now I confess, I was there too. I pretty much had affirmed to me in my youth, by my misogynistic upbringing, that it was the only thing that made me worth anything to men. And I darn near killed myself trying to be perfect. These people however already felt they were perfect and entitled to admiration, and it was other people's bodies that had to live up to what they wanted, not their own. This was marked by comments on other people's bodies like "she shouldn't be wearing that", "eating all that mayo is why your kid is fat", and other comments that degraded people based on their bodies. Or they projected their own shallowness onto others. When I left one boyfriend because he was a lazy butt who would not get a job and wanted to live off me and my parents, in his shallow brain (that only looked at me like a pretty prize), it was because he wasn't as thin or built as Trenton. When he showed up all buff at my booth like I was going to ditch Trenton and go back to him, I lit into him because he had documents from my company that I needed and he would not give back. Ultimately I had to threaten him with legal action to get him to comply because my needs were not important and he disregarded what I had to say. It took him off guard that looks wasn't what I was interested in at all. I noticed and it made me madder that he projected his own shallowness onto me. We had broken up before and my best friend Richard, when he first met me, had been asked to help us get back together at a gaming group by my ex-boyfriend. When Richard met me, he realized this was not the dim bimbo that had been described. Something Richard could see that I was not on first meeting, but my ex-boyfriend could not see after years.

10. They make you wait.

Part of not having respect for you, is wasting your time. I would go to meet my ex-husband at work for lunch and he would make me wait, sometimes for hours, but the moment I talked to someone, he would up and be ready to go right then, proving he could have left, but he chose not to. Others tended to call and tell me they were leaving at the time they were supposed to be there. They were always late by an hour or two, and it wasn't an occasional, I honest to goodness got stuck in traffic, but a pattern. Meanwhile the same people would be mad if you did not respond quickly to them when they were ready. Or sometimes making me cut out hours of my day for something, when I really didn't need to be involved.

All of this combined makes people who are self centered. They often did other worse things that they have in common, but I wanted to focus on things that were common interactions. Not everyone gets to the intimate level with these people to get into the really abusive natures. But these are the things that an acquaintance might pick up on interacting with them, before getting involved and getting hurt. Again, one of these things by itself is not so bad, but if it sounds like a checklist for someone, then you might want to keep your eyes open and your boundaries firm.

Edit:
Just so you know that I'm not blowing smoke. I do attract narcissists, but extreme egotism is also central to psychopaths as well (usually diagnosed Antisocial - the lack of guilt being the main tell for them ). I left out the lying and such for antisocial personality disorder, because they didn't all fit it, even if many did. Some just lied to themselves a lot. But these were common behaviors across all the abusers I've had. At least one definitely had severe Narcissistic Personality Disorder, one was a true hard core psychopath (the ex-husband who kidnapped and raped me), and a few were diagnosed with Dissociative, which I question as that often takes several years to diagnose, usually committed in a mental facility. One of them I believe because he did check out often, even if he had some narcissistic traits. But one is incredibly manipulative and fit borderline/antisocial far more, probably manipulating her therapist like everyone else for something more dramatic. The rest also fit in the dramatic personality disorder category on some level. Regardless there were some things that fit most of them and seemed to be universal tells that something is off that stretched across the board.

Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)
Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, lack of empathy, bloated self-image, manipulative and impulsive behavior.

Borderline personality disorder: pervasive pattern of instability in relationships, self-image, identity, behavior and affects often leading to self-harm and impulsivity.

Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive pattern of attention-seeking behavior and excessive emotions.

Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

Two Wolves

Recently a woman was beat to death in Cherokee County in a fit of domestic violence. This is why I keep talking about this, keep presenting it, because it is real and present in our world. At its core is emotional abuse, which escalates into physical abuse. I will continue to try to educate myself and others, so we can fight this. It's an insidious problem that creeps up, even when you think you have a handle on it.

The difference between insanity and evil is that insanity doesn't know what they are doing is wrong. They don't understand good and evil. They are pitiable creatures who walk over others obliviously, lost in their own world. Their brains literally cannot function normally. However more often than not, those who mistreat others seemingly unconsciously, do realize what they are doing, because it's how they have always maintained control and taken from others to amplify themselves. Because at the end of the day, they are parasites, takers, users, who know how to manipulate others to get their way. In fact they often pride themselves on it. Everything is fluid for the abuser and ever changing, including themselves (often depending on who they are around and want to influence), and they are the one in charge of which way the chaos turns. The only constant is that they are the one who is always right, the victim, and in charge. No matter what they have done to incur the wrath of another with their behaviors, if the other makes a stand, the abuser will turn it to make themselves the victim, gas-lighting, blame shifting, excuses, threats, anything to manipulate things in their favor and not address or confess to the issues caused by their abusive/unhealthy behavior. This constantly keeping things off balance is not only unstable, but makes it hard for the victim to gain a foothold. It's all at the whim of the abuser.

These are learned tactics that have gotten the abuser their way in the past with people often too polite to say anything or get a word in edgewise while they are bulldozed over. What makes these behaviors evil is that they are by design with only the thought of the abuser's gain in mind. It's about control. Secrets, editing what the victim says, making the rules of interaction, etc., all of these are taking over by inches, and slowly tighten the noose. It happens slowly lest the victim get wise and leave. Though the heart of the abuser might in fact be good, their choice to abuse over and over can overshadow that, when it is a core component of their personality. The good heart keeps the victim hoping, but the only thing the victim will attain in this relationship is more emotional abuse. After all, what incentive does the abuser have to change, when they are getting what they want? Leaving is often the answer, however, it also comes with its own dangers. This is where you see stalking, using others to intervene (because they are excellent manipulators), preying on sympathies of others or the victim, or sometimes outright attempting to destroy the other in some facet. This is more than just talking to friends about issues, which is a healthy reaction to loss and damage, but has an underlying goal of regaining control or damaging the other person, under the guise of resolution. Often it comes with the mantra "If I could just talk to them", because if they can talk, they can manipulate, and maybe gain some control. This is because the abuser has never been good at boundaries to begin with, and when a victim leaves, it sets a boundary, a boundary that an abuser will often ignore just like the others.

When you are with a manipulative abuser it's almost like being glamoured, things seem to make sense when you are with them and then when you think about it later, things don't add up. Things will fall apart because they were done the abuser's way, and the abuser will always have an excuse irrelevant to the direct consequences of their choice, such as, well that's just how these things work. Or blame it on the victim that they just don't understand. It's part of the failure to accept consequences.

Abusers and manipulators can be impressively talented people with keen minds. They have to have sharp minds to keep track of their chaos, because no one else can. And often they just have a goal and barrel through to it. But their tunnel vision can leave wreckage in their wake. However because they are so good at manipulating people, there's always someone else there in the wings, eager to accept what the abuser says and take on the role left open by the leaving victim. But while the abuser is good at pulling people in, they often aren't good at keeping them.  They can play the part for a while, but while most people love them at first, eventually even the most tolerant weary of the behavior. This is marked by a high turn over rate in their love life, friendships, work, or room mates. Only the most patient of people stick it out long term, either because they are soundly fooled, or are aware and have learned to manage it.

Everyone blows up now and then. Everyone has moods and bad days. Some people sincerely just clash. This is not emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a consistent prevalent pattern across multiple relationships through the years. It's a cycle marked with red flags, because this is how they have learned to cope with the world. More often than not, smart children learn how to manipulate parents to get what they want and just never stop, or they have never had a good role model for healthy relationships and are simply acting out what they grew up with. Much of abuse comes from immaturity. So much of who we are is genetic and programming from our families, but even with all that programming, at some point you have a choice.  Even if you have a personality disorder, you have a choice whether or not to accept it as something you need to work on, or deny it and hide it from others.  Abusive Personality disorders run a gamut from Narcissism's entitlement and ego to Antisocial Personality Disorder marked by deceitfulness, irresponsibility, impulsiveness/ failure to plan, and lack of remorse. At some point if people are telling you the same things, eventually a healthy person will ask, maybe it's me? Maybe they're right? ... but that won't happen with a narcissist or an abuser. They'll rewrite history to be the victim or some personality disorders will cause holes in memories, even forgetting things in certain states.

So here's your call to action. If any of this sounds familiar, then seek help, even if it's just talking to a close friend or family member. Talk to people. Speak out, because abusers thrive in the silence of their victims. If you think maybe you might be abusing, then do some soul searching. Abusers are usually the last to seek psychological help, and when they do, they are too busy manipulating their image to the therapist to be able to get actual help. The only person who can change an abuser is themselves. Be honest with yourself and others, talk to friends who will be honest with you and tell you hard truths. Let it hurt and listen. Be more aware of what and why you do things. What are your motivations? Could those motivations be riding rough shod over someone else? Work on your empathy, which may be less than you think. All the social problems in the world start within the heart of the individual, and only the individual can control how that is expressed. It's like learning another language, a truer language to learn to be healthy. Sometimes feelings don't have the words or are hard to express, and people without experience may do it as they learned when they were young or have always done, when it doesn't actually apply. All you can do is be the best person you can be, and aim to be as healthy as you can, surround yourself with healthy people, and try to overcome. Because we are all 2 wolves...

One evening, an elderly Cherokee Brave told is grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed."

Ramblings on Chow Chows

So I had one of those weird moments when I wake up from a dream and a thought is planted in my head. "Ever notice how Chow Chow dogs look like Chinese Dragons?" and I thought about how yes, they look similar and dragons were associated with the emperor, where chows were used as guardians. Hmm... so I had to look it up.

As a little girl, we grew up with chow dogs. They loved our family, but were also fiercely protective. In our old neighborhood, there was a rash of break ins, but not our house, with 2 chows guarding it. Before that when we lived in NC, our male chow got out in search of females, and someone thought it was a lion. They weren't the only ones that thought chows resembled lions. "The Chow Chow (sometimes simply Chow[2]) is a dog breed originally from northern China,[3] where it is referred to as Songshi Quan (Pinyin: sōngshī quǎn 鬆獅犬), which means "puffy-lion dog"."

"The breed has also been called the Tang Quan, "Dog of the Tang Empire". It is believed that the Chow Chow is one of the native dogs used as the model for the Foo dog, the traditional stone guardians found in front of Buddhist temples and palaces."

"The Chow is a unique breed of dog thought to be one of the oldest recognizable breeds. Research indicates it is one of the first primitive breeds to evolve from the wolf. DNA analysis confirms that this is one of the oldest breeds of dog that probably originated in the high steppe regions of Siberia or Mongolia, and much later used as temple guards in China, Mongolia and Tibet."

"Chinese legends mention large war dogs from central Asia that resembled black-tongued lions. One Chinese ruler was said to own 5,000 Chows. The Chinese also used Chows to pull dog sleds, and this was remarked upon by Marco Polo."

"A legend says that the original teddy bears were modeled after Queen Victoria's Chow Chow puppy. It is said that she carried the dog everywhere she went. Her friends disapproved, claiming that it did not befit a queen to be seen everywhere with a dog, so they paid a dressmaker to make a stuffed version of the animal for her."

My brother and I with the Chow puppies around 1978. 

Their purple or sometimes referred to as "black" tongue is fairly uncommon. "We do know that the Chow is not the only breed with a blue-black tongue. The Chinese Shar-Pei shares this trait as well. A few other animals have black tongues, too: the giraffe, polar bear, and several breeds of cattle including the Jersey."

It breaks my heart to think this companion to emperors and queens went from Foo Dog to food. My father had a Chow in Korea, during the Korean War, and his house boy ate the dog when he found out my father was leaving, but first they tied it to a post and beat it to death to make sure the meat was tender.

Chows get a bad wrap, but like so many dogs, it's a lot to do with how you raise them. There are bad dogs, any vet will tell you that, just like there are bad people. I've had Chows all my life, and we only had one that was not right. We had a breeding pair, and my parents would sell the puppies. I think that stopped though after the female, Tasha, adopted a bag of potatoes. They were small and brown, and vaguely resembled newborn chow puppies. My mom found this out when she went to get a potato and Tasha protected the potatoes. Tasha ended up dragging around that bag of potatoes until all of them rotted and fell apart.

Now we don't have a purebred Chow, but a mixed breed rescue with a black tongue and some certainly Chow tendencies. She was feral when she was found as a puppy, and I can certainly see some wolfish behavior lending back to Chow's ancient heritage. I'm not so sure what my subconscious was trying to tell me about Chows and Dragons, but they are an intriguing breed. My favorites have always been Chows and German Shepherds. Evey was a mix of both and one of the best dogs we could ever ask for. I'm very happy for my Foo dogs, and now feel the need to read more Dresden Files.

Referenced: https://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Chow_Chow

Loving Yourself

We have a society of people who are so worried about loving themselves so they feel good but don't know how to love. If you can't understand love, how can you perform this action in any way for yourself or others. Self love is not the same as narcissism, which is what many have turned it into and here's the difference.

LOVE requires HONESTY
If your love is based on a lie, even if that lie is to yourself, then it's not love. Sometimes you have to tough love yourself as well. Anything built on a lie won't last. Don't accept the things that just feel good. Understand your weaknesses, only then can you overcome them. Most lies start within ourself before we start passing them off to others. Don't lie to yourself or others that you are more or less important than you are. It won't make it so.

LOVE is not about the OUTSIDE
If your love is based on your physical appearance, don't be surprised when that's all others want from you. Your physical beauty does not entitle you to certain things, nor does it omit you from love. Don't be shallow with yourself, and you won't be shallow with others. Your physique will fade, don't build your self worth on something that won't last.

LOVE is a DISCIPLINE
The Bible says if you love your child, you discipline them. There is truth to that. If you never discipline a child, you are dooming them to never be able to cope with a world that will inevitably say no and get tired of their self serving crap. Discipline is how you achieve greater and greater things, and that starts with yourself. If you love yourself, you will discipline yourself to not give into every whim and urge that might hurt yourself or those around you. Learning self discipline tames the chaos and will make you a better person.

LOVE is about TRUST
Learn to listen to yourself and trust your intuition. If you are honest with yourself enough to know how and why you feel the things you feel and disciplined enough to not be subject to whim, intuitions become clearer. Listen if a part of you tells you that something is wrong, because it probably is. Don't stay where you are being taken for granted and hurt. Love yourself enough to remove yourself from situations that are destructive and toxic. Your intuition will tell you.

LOVE won't change with your POSITION
If you have to be over others and in charge to feel good about yourself, then that's a tenuous situation, because what you really love is power. A need for power and control are fast tracks to destruction. The only thing you can control is you. That needs to go inward instead of outward. Learning to be okay with yourself in any position is powerful. Self worth should come from inside instead of outside, because outside can change at any moment.

LOVE is about being wise with your TIME
Just as people who waste your time, don't care about you, don't waste your time either. Take the time to do the things you need to do for you. Take care of yourself, and don't allow other people to squander your time. Value your time, and others will value it as well. Time is much like emotional currency. Don't spend it on those who are a bad investment of your time, but invest in those who give you a return, including yourself. Spend that time wisely making yourself better.

Love is not something we innately know.  It's something we learn from experience and observation. We come into the world selfish babies, because it's about us and our needs and getting as much love from others as we can. This doesn't make us bad, just immature. Eventually we are to grow out of that phase, but more and more people are growing up less and less. If we don't have good models to learn from, we do what we can to get by. This is how people learn to manipulate others to get what they think they want or need. In children it's tantrums, but adults are more practiced and manipulations take many forms. When you don't have the love you need from others, it's hard to know how to love yourself. Supposedly people who need love the most, like the color purple. I'm not sure if that's true, but I've seen a lot of purple lovers who have developed unhealthy behaviors to supplement love and get their way. All I can do is hope that if you are reading this now that you will at least think about this. After all, you can't change someone who sees nothing wrong with their behavior, and that includes ourselves.