Choice

Sometimes telling someone that everything that happens to them is their choice, is like saying it's their fault the server got their order wrong. It's not because the other person made a mistake, heard wrong, or grabbed the wrong dish, it's because, "Deep down, you really wanted a salad instead of steak".

If EVERYTHING is your choice, you have an absurd amount of control over your life, that just doesn't jive with reality. There are choices, and that is your responsibility, but people seem to forget that other people have choices and free will too. And often their choices negate yours. I chose Ron Paul for president. If it was all up to me, he would be, but the choices of many other people thwarted my choice.

Most emotionally balanced people know the difference, what they have control over, and what they don't, but there are some who go whole hog with the idea one way or the other. The problem is that the real story is rarely so extreme. They like to tell victims of abuse that they deserved and desired what happened to them, because it was their choice, and neglect the choices of the abuser to lie, weasel, and control. The irony is that the person blaming the victim is as hell bent on control as the abuser themselves.

When you marry an abuser, you are ordering the scrumptious plate on the menu, and served a rancid piece of meat that gives you food poisoning. When you make your order, you ask for the well pictured dish in the menu, and often the results are nothing like the picture. Yes, you make choices. But other people do too, and you are sometimes subject to other people's choices whether you want to be or not. Sometimes you aren't given a choice. You can choose what to do with what you are given, but sometimes those choices are limited.

There was a book, that someone used to hail, that said that people with Multiple Sclerosis got it because they are too stubborn. My aunt died of one of the worst cases of MS on record. She died a 70 lb skeleton, and was THEE most gullable person I knew. There was not a stubborn bone in her body, but if you had told her that, she would have blamed herself and thought it true. However, she and my uncle contracted MS, because it was in their genes, not because of a personality fault.

The problem is that this philosophy only works in hindsight. You can't say, "Oh you're stubborn, you're going to get MS," because it doesn't work that way, it's always backwards blaming. When it comes down to it, the healthiest people I've known have also been the ones with the least empathy, compassion, and humanity. They rarely get sick so have no tolerance or way to empathize with those who are. I've known some extremely healthy people who are very stubborn, and others if they had physical ailments for their personality faults would be constantly bleeding out both eyes.

This concept is called the "Just World Hypothesis" and actually is indicative of personality disorders. It's also the fast track to victim blame. It gives a person, an illusion of control that makes them feel safe, so long as bad things only happen to bad people. For them to hold this view, they hold themselves in higher esteem than others. They consider themselves better than others and thus invulnerable to such problems.  The moment that they think that possibly bad things could happen to good people, their world starts to fall apart and it's too scary for them to handle, so they impose this view and often blame victims for somehow deserving their fate.

"Just-World Hypothesis. The idea that people need to believe one will get what one deserves so strongly that they will rationalize an inexplicable injustice by naming things the victim might have done to deserve it. Also known as blaming the victim, the just-world fallacy, and the just-world effect." via Psych Central. More can be read on wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis

You are responsible for your choices, and other people are responsible for theirs. But the person who tries to make you feel responsible for someone else's choices is living in a shaky reality where horrible things only happen on TV. Don't let their need for control, their choice, control you. 

Leadership?

We are studying leadership at karate and it got me thinking about my past work experience and the differences I've witnessed. There are leaders and there are control freaks and they are not the same thing. Those who think they are leading are at times strangling the will from their team.

A control freak tries to do it all alone and can't let go. The moment they assign work to another, they micromanage and helicopter to exert control. 

A leader knows how to delegate and let go, because they know their people and their strengths well enough to trust them to do their job and do it right. 

A control freak manipulates and demands instead of being straight forward, which frustrates followers and disengages them from the goal which results in high turnover and a high stress environment. 

A leader encourages and creates an environment of initiative so that those who follow do more than expected because they are appreciated instead of subjugated. 

Control freaks have to be on top and wield authority to feel good about themselves. It's about the control freak's ego. They try to suck up as much credit as possible and diminish the contributions of others. 

A leader sees the group as their responsibility and won't ask someone to do something they aren't willing to do. To them it's about the goal, and if they aren't the best one to lead to that goal, leaders are willing to step back and let the more qualified lead. 

Leaders are positive sources of synergy, while control freaks are toxic in search of narcissistic supply. 

Often control freaks seek out positions of authority, thinking that they beyond a doubt are the best person for the job despite evidence to the contrary or without prior experience. 

Leaders are often sought to lead because of their skills not their desire to have power over others. People respond to them out of a desire of a shared vision.

The world needs more leaders of character and less personality cults in charge of family units, business, and politics. Too many people who are personally out of control of themselves and their lives, try to control the world and people around them, because it seems easier than controlling themselves. Instead of learning to deal with things, they limit the people around them, more and more.  But they are no better at controlling anything than they are with themselves. A person out of control of themselves can not hope to be a good leader of others. All they can bring is chaos, the same chaos that rules themselves.

You can't bypass a key component and expect good results...

So this has been weighing on my mind to be written, and usually when it does, it means that there's someone who needs to hear it. Throughout my life, I've encountered men who think that women are brood mares. They want the sex and the kids, and to skip loving the bearer of these burdens. They simply expect her to do it as her purpose. Let's get this straight, for a woman, that means sacrificing not only her time, but her body, and often a huge impact on every aspect of her life to become pregnant, give birth, and raise a child... and as almost happened to me, possibly end that life completely. My ex was probably the most extreme of this case. He called me "the dirt to plant his seed in". I was disposable, to be used and cast aside.

Honestly this is a very ancient mindset, where men told their wives to "lay back and think of England". It was simply a duty, a duty that they weren't allowed to enjoy. Even further back, the wedding ring was a symbol of the chain they would tie the woman to the tent with and wait for Stockholm syndrome to set in. So we've come a long way from being simply property to being treated like people for the most part. But there's an area where the barbarian still reigns.

However when it comes to biology and psychology, this is the worst approach for a man's end goal. Even if this is all the man really wants out of the relationship, if he wants children, then it is sincerely in his best interest to love the woman and to make sure she feels loved beyond just her wanting to have sex with someone because she loves him.

Oxytocin is an amazing hormone. It is called "the bonding hormone" and is often released after childbirth to encourage bonding between mother and child. But it is also released when hugging, kissing, and cuddling. It not only helps in bonding, but healing wounds, social anxiety, generosity, and stress relief. In addition, it helps with diet and weight loss. So if you are complaining about your wife gaining weight. There really is a simple solution to help her. Love her! http://io9.com/…/10-reasons-why-oxytocin-is-the-most-amazin…

In addition, I was watching a documentary on the science of sexual attraction, and it was telling how if a woman has sex with 2 men and one she loves and the other she doesn't, that her body will fight off the sperm from the one she doesn't love. So if she loves you, she's more likely to have your child... and well, less likely to cheat.

The most compelling evidence though came when I was researching something pertinent to my own life. In my previous marriage to the psychopath, before he kidnapped and raped me repeatedly when I tried to leave, I'd been with him for almost a year, and for months was forced to have sex whether I wanted to or not. Sometimes I was fast asleep when he'd roll me over and have his way with me after looking at porn. Not to mention often being forced to do things I'd specifically stated I did not like. I did my "duty" but it's effects were damaging me long before the coup de grace...

Marital rape has certain consequences and one of those is that any children procreated this way, the woman tends to be less involved with and more or less indifferent towards. Men who are indifferent about the woman having their children, can at times also believe that they are not the ones responsible for their care, but they've also shot themselves in the foot. There's no healthy result for this kind of environment. This does not lead to the envisioned family the man thought he was making.

Even if marital rape is not involved, people break in very specific and predictable ways. A woman devoid of her emotional needs will seek elsewhere to have those filled. Some may stray and cheat. Others may lean on their kids to get that love out of them. When this is pervasive and the parent (this can go for both sexes) is over-involved with their child, it is referred to as "emotional incest" and creates children who are Brat Princes or Princesses, confused about their place in the family. This super-mom or spoiler is also not good for a child. It upsets the balance that produces healthy, happy children.

GIGO is a term often used in computers that means "Garbage In, Garbage Out". Put simply it means, you get out of something what you put into it. And if you treat your woman like garbage, then you can't expect to get a happy family out of her. It baffles me how people who are adept at GIGO in their jobs, don't seem to get it in their families. Often they expect to be the one getting instead of giving, but if you are into the idea that as the man, you are the head of the family, then you are also the one that is the most responsible for it. If you really want a solid family, you cannot skip the step of loving your wife, specifically in a way that makes her feel loved, not just the way you want to love her.

This all seems like basic common sense, but I have been surrounded by men all my life who think that their place is to be served, when actually they should be serving. And as they serve more, they will see a return on their service, in the ways they wanted to receive all along.

Love really is the answer. Not jealous possession, not obsession, not the other things that pass for it, but actually real Love. Let that be your agenda, and all the other things you want, will come.

Hope

Hope. It's a word filled with warmth, the warmth of the first rays of sunshine that whisper that today is a new day. It's a short word with a lot of gravity. Hope is the carrot that keeps us moving forward on a daily basis. But to the abused it's the shovel digging the hole we are stuck within.

"Today he was nice to me. Maybe he's changing? Maybe he'll once again be the man I fell in love with?"

Every little glimmer of hope is treasured like a drop of water in a desert. It keeps us staying in situations that we should probably change.

"Maybe this year I'll get that raise and be able to pay off those credit cards."

Hope ties us to people and situations with tiny improvements that keep us from seeking out something that is ten times better from the start. It wastes years of our lives on people that don't appreciate us or even like us, and if we are honest, we don't like who they've become and are still waiting for that first person, the part they played to reemerge. It keeps us in jobs that don't use our skills. We spend our lives hoping and waiting for days to come when we can finally do what we really want to do, and embrace something with purpose and substance.

I think there's a reason behind the quote "faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love." Because without love, the other 2 are empty and entrenching. You can have all the faith in the world, all the hope for a better life, but if there isn't love, you're stuck. And not some ancient impression of love, the first flutters of infatuation, but real enduring love. Like loving a job because it makes an impact, it fills your life with so much meaning that you work extra not because you have to, but because you want to and you don't even notice the extra effort. Or love in a relationship where you are an active team supporting each other to be the best you can be, where every joy is doubled and every sorrow halved just because they are there.

We spend a lot of time waiting and hoping for love like that. Perhaps we are actually loving that way, but without a proper receptor it doesn't stick and is just sucked into a void. You find yourself more alone with someone than being actually alone.

Hope is a double edged sword. It's an investment in someone, or some part of your life to spend your energy trying to achieve something, but there will always be good investments and bad investments. Some people are money pits that you can dump all the hope, faith, and love you have into, and they will never show a return. Some will return your investment 10 fold. Some are inert walls that you will just end up beating your head against. And some will steal all you have and leave you empty.

Life is a gamble and it's that hope of hitting the jackpot that keeps us feeding quarters and pulling the lever, when our energies would be better applied elsewhere. Sometimes you just have to take what little winnings you have and walk away. Leave hope at the bar, and start looking at things as they are.