Writers: How to Write an Art Order

So you've got a book, maybe even a series. You've mastered the art of creating fiction and telling a compelling story. Now you are searching for an artist to bring those words to life in a new media for illustration or cover art. However this is an art form in and of itself. It's not the same as writing fiction, so allow me to illuminate my fellow creatives on how to communicate with your artist effectively without frustrating them.

Common Mistakes Authors Make Writing Art Orders!

1. Sending the artist the story, book, or series and expecting them to mine it for images.

You've got books conveying all the information you think will be useful for character development and portrayal, so naturally you want the artist to read them to get the correct interpretation of your vision. This is one reason publishers tend to do this step, because they're good at it. They've got editors that all they do is read all day. Artists don't have time to read all day, because they need their eyes for other things such as art. As nice as it is to have an artist who is acquainted with the stories, it's just unrealistic to expect them to drop everything and read a novel.  This is a job, and throwing too much information at an artist to sift through for what they actually need bogs down the process and takes more time, time they could use to be making art. Time, that you will undoubtedly be wondering "what's taking so long?" This is why you write an Art Order, because that's what you are doing, ordering art. You've commissioned someone to do a job and they need clear, concise descriptions of what you want in order to provide what you want.

2. Assuming the Artist knows your character as well as you do.

I've worked with several wonderful writers that leave out key details in their descriptions. This results often in either having to take time to read the writer's mind or starting over when the author finds something wrong. I've had authors forget to tell me the character is undead or describe a creature but never tell me what it is in D&D terms. This isn't prose, it's a bullet list of descriptors. If you are describing a person and they remind you of Angelina Jolie or Nathan Fillion, those are huge clues to the type of face you want. Remember to include things like hair and eye color, body type, hair being curly, straight, or wavy, and other things to help the artist make this image more like a real person with as few setbacks as possible. It also helps to know tips to the character's personality such as stubborn, shy, strong, frail, and other such very visual cues. This is information that doesn't need to be a page long, but a paragraph or two. What do they do? Are they good or evil? All important information that can be reduced to short bursts of relevant information, without wading through superfluous words to get to it.

3. Constant Revisions

The side effect of not being able to give clear concise Art Orders means Constant Revisions, which is a waste of both of your time. It is a byproduct of the author not knowing what they want, indecisiveness, or unable to clearly express what they want. This is a good way for an artist to drop the job or not want to work with you again, when there are other clients who know what they want and can express it. Don't be surprised if you get charged for the revisions, because it basically means twice as much work and headache for the artist. If you don't know what you want and can't express it, wait until you can to hire an artist and do everyone a favor.

4. Expecting a Working Artist to be only working on your stuff.

Artists are jugglers and can often work on multiple projects at a time. I often switch paintings when I need to let one dry, or take on new jobs while working on others. Instead of poking the artist and distracting them from working, set a deadline with your artist within reasonable parameters of their schedule and let them work. Set a time for a preliminary sketch to be approved to allow for revisions, and then a time for the finished piece. THEN you can harass them, but you will find that you and the artist are far happier with the working relationship. Establishing realistic expectations is key.

Writing your Art Order: Information the Artist Needs to Proceed

To give you an idea of what needs to be given, I will provide an example in italics underneath.

1. Color or Black and White?
This is important because color is twice as much work
Color Oil Painting

2. Output Size
How big is this going to be printed? If it is going to be small, then it will require far less detail than a cover piece, and the artist can adjust their project appropriately.
Cover Artwork 16x20inches

3. Setting (if applicable)
Before the actors come on, you need to set the stage. Are we Pre-Industrial, Medieval Fantasy, or on a distant planet. Is it in the mountains, in an inn, or the ruins of an ancient castle. Where is the action taking place? The artist doesn't need a map of the whole world, just a snapshot of where things are taking place now. If you use a character's name, be sure to name them in the description of the character, so the artist knows who you are talking about.
Medieval Fantasy, low-magic world. Daenerys is in the desert at night surrounded by burning embers from a funeral pyre on which she did not burn. She is naked and covered in ash but otherwise unharmed.

4. How many characters are in the piece?
Is this a cast of thousands in a huge war piece or an intimate and private moment between the two main characters.
One woman and 3 baby dragons who just hatched.

5. Who are the characters and their relation to each other. Why are they there?
Again not needing a novel, this can be as simple as a phrase like "astranged lovers", or "soldiers working together", "ship-mates", "rivals".  What do they do? Is one a wizard and one a warrior? Is one a cop checking out a crime scene? Keep it short, clear, and concise.
Daenerys is "The Mother of Dragons" She is a dethroned princess who has hatched the dragons from eggs, producing the first dragons seen in a hundred years. The dragon hatchlings look to her as their mother and she is caring for them as one.

6. Describe each Character Individually
Again, be clear and concise, this is not a story, but a description more like a character sheet than a short story.

• Name
  Daenerys Targaryen
• Gender
  Female
• Race, Species, etc
  Magical Human with the "Blood of the Dragon"
• Profession, Class, Archetype
  Displaced Princess of a medieval-esque kingdom and leader of a tribe of rough horse people akin to the Mongols. She seeks to restore her viewed birthright to the throne.
• Height, Build, Body Type
  Young, Early to Mid Teens, Slim, Attractive, recently gave birth
• Abnormalities, what sets them apart
  Immune to Fire, Driven Leader, Beautiful, Magical
• Hair Color, length, style
  Long wavy to straight white hair, worn in braids leaving long tendrils in the back
• Eye Color, Eye shape
  Large blue eyes
• Face Shape - Oval, Heart, square, etc...
  Attractive heart shaped face
• Person or character you can compare them to physically
  Emelia Clark
• Personality - stubborn, shy, strong, frail, etc.
  Fierce, Driven, Loyal, Compassionate, Brave
• Clothing Description - What are they wearing? Is there a necklace that means something?
  Dragons and nothing else
• Emotional state of character in the picture - Shock, awe, romantic, sad, angry
  Daenerys kneels in the pyre of her first love and so there is sadness, but also wonder and strength at surviving the fire and proving herself to her people by hatching her dragons.
• Style
  I would like it to be done in the style of Larry Elmore

7. Theme - What's the message?

Are you trying to say anything with this piece? Is it portraying the theme of a story about redemption, vengence, etc.
It is a picture telling of things to come, Daenerys like a phoenix rising from the ashes to take her place as queen with the help of dragons, and the rebirth of magic into the world.

8. Remember that you get what you ask for! 
If you don't tell your artist that the main character's left side of his face was burned in a fire, then don't be surprised if he doesn't look like it.  Anything not falling under these suggested descriptors but important to the character should be shared from the beginning.
Picture should be from the side with strategically placed dragons to conceal breasts and naughty bits.

I hope that this blog has helped you understand a little better on how to communicate what you are looking for to your artist. It didn't not require every book George RR Martin wrote to convey this image, and yet still provided enough information to get the job done. If you hope to continue writing and working with artists, then I hope that this information will help you establish a solid working relationship with your artists.

Below is an excerpt of an Art Order from Margaret Weis Productions with the finished piece.

Dragonlance: Dragons of Krynn

Product Specs: 

Title: Dragons of Krynn

Line: Dragonlance

Release: July 2007

Format: 160 page, full color interior, hardcover book

Art Dimensions:

1/2 page vertical = 3.125” by 9.25”

1/2 page horizontal = 6.5” by 4.25”

1/4 page = 3.125” by 4.25”

Total Page Count: 16 pages of art

All illustrations are either 1/2 page vertical, 1/2 page horizontal, or 1/4 page pieces. 

References are as follows:

DLCS Dragonlance Campaign Setting

AoM Age of Mortals

WotL War of the Lance

BoK Bestiary of Krynn

BoKR Bestiary of Krynn, Revised

ToHS Towers of High Sorcery

WotL War of the Lance

HOoS Holy Orders of the Stars

LotT Legends of the Twins

KOoA Knightly Orders of Ansalon

RoA Races of Ansalon

All equipment references (armor, weapons, etc.) refer to Chapter 7 of the Player’s Handbook.

The following is the art order:

Illo #15: Amphi Dragon

Size: 1/4 page Location in book: Book 1, chapter 4

Two amphi dragons fighting underwater with one defending a ship wreck that it claims as its own.  Description: This aquatic dragon resembles a giant, sea-green toad covered in scales and yellow warts. It has no visible neck, and its wide thick-lipped head looks like a cross between a frog’s and a dragon’s. Small vestigial wings grow from its back, and bony ridges protrude above its eyes and down its spine. Its long, clawed feet are powerful and webbed, aiding it in underwater movement.

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Building depth on unfinished artwork.

One of the things that I often see in students is a lack of depth. Their drawings are rather flat and lacking that 3 Dimensional quality that comes from the push and pull of highlights and shadows. Without those extreme lights and darks all the mid tones wash out and the image becomes rather flat.

I remember being the same way when I was younger and getting the same admonition from my college Art teacher. Making those dark marks feels so permanent, and not making them is basically a lack of confidence and commitment. I was afraid of the dark.  I was afraid it would mess everything up if I went there. Afraid that it would ruin everything.

There are so many parallels that can be drawn between art and life, such as seeing things as they really are instead of how you think they should be. This is an excellent parallel to psychology. Many people are afraid to look deep within, and face their darker qualities or accept that it's there at all. That fear of the dark can create many personality disorders. It's one of the cores of Borderline Personality Disorder as well as a core component of Narcissism, where it's always the other person's fault and the narcissist will go to great lengths to defy and deny reality to convince themselves and others of this. Both will attack someone who may point out the darkness that they are so keen to deny rather than introspect and consider their own faults. The reason they attack is because it feels like an attack on the reality they constructed, much like references to trying to unchain someone from Plato's cave.

In artwork, establishing that darkness is important, but it has to be counterbalanced with light in order to truly be developed and not just a dark muddy mess. One does this with highlights, establishing the lightest lights.  After that, all else falls in the spectrum of mid tones of varying shades of light and dark, and truly gives the image its depth. Even without a wide range of mid tones, like drawing on toned paper with a white and black color pencil, it still has more depth than those afraid of leaving a mark.

One of the things about highlights in art, the whitest white will always be your light source, even if there is something else "white" in the picture, like a shirt. In fact when looked at more closely it is actually a light grey, blue, or yellow as opposed to white. When compared with the rest of the picture's colors it changes the way that it is perceived.

So it is also with the psyche, there's something in everyone that illuminates them and stands out. That is their inner light in contrast to their darkness, that sets the stage and spectrum for all else. It might be the divine within them or simply love, but it shapes and highlights the whole personality of the individual.

One needs to have a good grasp of both, a realistic perception of dark and light to put the rest into perspective. If not, someone afraid of the dark might start interpreting even light grays as black, unable to see the difference, or light grays as white instead of what they really are. This is also a symptom of narcissism which is extreme idealization and devaluation, along with other unrealistic perceptions of seeing someone as all bad or all good, unable to see the reality of a person or situation in its full spectrum.

If there's anything an artist can teach, it's that you can't create something new until you perceive what is really there. Only then can you alter it to improve it. To be able to draw realistically, you must first be able to see realistically. In order to cope with anything in life you have to be able to see it how it really is, instead of assuming. This comes with experience and observation, practice and perception, and self awareness. These are not only necessities in art, but in life.

Mile Marker 183

So I can't visit my folks without passing the road my ex tried to kill me on. It's a reminder I don't have to deal with now that I live a couple hours away, but it still hits me when I drive past and I can't help remembering. So like with other things that try to destroy me, I combat it by creating something. In this case, I wrote a song... it was very Sarah McLachlan in tune.

Mile Marker 183
Lindsay Archer

Standing at the Crossroads of Music Row and Memory Lane
Remembering the chill of a burnt out old flame
staring at the wreckage that to this day remains
A head to head collision won’t leave you the same
When you encounter a pile up of the criminally insane
Standing at the Crossroads of Music Row and Memory Lane

He gritted his teeth and gripped the wheel
His foot hit the gas and the rubber peeled
down this old country blacktop street
toward a wicked curve of near 90 degrees
On the other side all I could see
was the interstate’s mile marker 183
That’s when I realized it was death staring at me
as the speedometer buried somewhere near 90
It was my life at stake and him at the wheel
If he couldn’t have me, then my life he would steal
I’d be free of him, even with my last breath, I swore
At least I wouldn’t have to live in fear anymore

Standing at the Crossroads of Music Row and Memory Lane
Remembering the chill of a burnt out old flame
staring at the wreckage that to this day remains
A head to head collision won’t leave you the same
When you encounter a pile up of the criminally insane
Standing at the Crossroads of Music Row and Memory Lane

He curved to the left and couldn’t believe
that I was more angry and ready to leave
This torturous game of predator and prey
I could never gain, only lose more each day
That’s when crocodile tears formed in his eye
His frequent trick to avoid caught in a lie
That’s when I realized it was death staring at me
On the other side of mile marker 183
There was no way he’d ever let me leave
The passing of freedom, which I still grieve
Left cleaning up the mess that he made
and his deep debt that can never be paid.

Standing at the Crossroads of Music Row and Memory Lane
Remembering the chill of a burnt out old flame
staring at the wreckage that to this day remains
A head to head collision won’t leave you the same
When you encounter a pile up of the criminally insane
Standing at the Crossroads of Music Row and Memory Lane

Now I’m exhausted and all I want is to sleep
But slumber since has not been deep
Would that I could, finally find rest,
so rare in this world, even at my best.
If only it were just him, but that’s a far cry
There many like him, both girl and guy
That’s when I realized it was death staring at me
Well, beyond mile marker 183
In the dirty looks and the judging eyes
of those whose life has never capsized.
Reopening old wounds that can never quite heal
At the hands of people who can’t know how it feels

Standing at the Crossroads of Music Row and Memory Lane
Remembering the chill of a burnt out old flame
staring at the wreckage that to this day remains
A head to head collision won’t leave you the same
When you encounter a pile up of the criminally insane
Standing at the Crossroads of Music Row and Memory Lane



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My Prayer

Since I've prayed for things in the past and am pretty sure God likes me to be specific, I thought that I would share those things I earnestly desire for those in my life. Though I believe in the power of prayer, I also know that sometimes it's powerful to know that someone wishes good things for you, especially when you have a hard time even wanting them for yourself. Even if you are an atheist, if you're my friend, know that this is what I wish for you and take it as the positive thought that it is, even if you don't believe in prayer.

So here is what I pray for all my friends, family, animals, and myself... (I like to pray for us all together as an affirmation of our connections and relationships.)

To be Healthy (Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually), that all ailments of thought or flesh might flee us and free us to live a life unhindered. That all damage might heal rapidly and restore us to full health.

To be Strong (Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually), that being healthy and unhindered we might find strength to combat all that life might throw at us, whether flesh or thought, so that we might be strong in our defense and indomitable in the face of foes.

To be Beautiful (Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually), that in that Strength there might also be beauty and grace to temper what could be brutish, wisdom to temper the strength of mind, and love to amplify the strength of the soul.

May these things together create a perfect balance and bring us Peace and Prosperity. Keep us from pain and persecution and may we never seek to cause pain or persecution to another. In so doing, make us a blessing to those around us that the very act of being is more of a testimony than any word we may speak.

Bless those who Bless us, and for those who wish good things for us, I pray that they might also be blessed with the same.

For those who curse us, I pray they develop empathy and understanding and begin to be healthy too. That they might come to grips with what is broken inside them that makes them hate us, as much as anything that we have done. Convict their hearts that they might repent and ask for forgiveness so that we might move forward.

And for those we have truly wronged, I ask forgiveness for those times when we were neither healthy nor strong. Help us to repent and be forgiven that we might move forward.

I pray that all these things work for good, and that the human race might wake from the sleep that shuts its eyes to truth. That we might all see things as they truly are and move in a positive direction toward healing instead of wounding.

In Jesus' Name,
Amen

IT WORKS! DO IT!

I feel like I'm yelling at walls concerning certain topics, and it doesn't seem like anything gets through to people. Often a couple years later, people will come back with "I should have listened to you", but by then it's too late and just more of Cassandra's tears.

I've been saying for years that we have the technology to GPS track criminals who have already been convicted of violent crimes to prevent them from repeat offending. Times have changed, but as usual the laws haven't. Restraining orders are just a piece of paper, and parole officer check ins are a comfort to some, but in general the restrictions like don't go near a school zone or other such things are not very well enforced. Just take a look at how many sex offenders live in your vicinity some day, it will frighten you. But now that we have GPS tracking there's no reason for that! We chip our dogs for goodness sake! It's been proven safe and effective. The tech and premise are solid.

Violent Sex Offenders are more likely to repeat offend than any other criminal. Therefore releasing these high risk individuals back into the population is like releasing a wolf into a herd of sheep. He might be nice and full when you release him, but sooner or later he's going to get hungry for what put him in a cage to start with. So why not track them?

Forget the responses for why not, because they are all invalid now. It's recently been proven to work extremely effectively by being put into practice in Massachusetts. Tried and tested, IT WORKS!

"not a single case she's taken on has ended in murder, and the men who have been sentenced to GPS tracking have not committed any future acts of violence. "

They say that you can tell what your enemy fears by what he uses to threaten you. This employs that same principle and uses it effectively in a way that has broken the cycle of oppression that comes at the hands of abusers and stalkers...

"The system works in no small part because it turns the logic of an abusive relationship on its head. The abuser works by making the victim feel like she will never be free of him, his violence, and his surveillance. If she tries to leave, he escalates. If she gets a new boyfriend, he escalates. The idea is to make her feel like her choices are to submit or to live in terror. The high-risk teams shift the burden of being surveilled from the victim to the abuser. Now, if he makes a threat, Massachusetts has the power to escalate. If he uses visitation time to attack her or her children, Massachusetts restricts visitation. Now he's the one who has to make his decisions with the understanding that someone with power can further restrict his movements and his ability to live freely. Abusers often victimize for years before taking things to the level of a serious beating or murder. By restricting movements in the early stages, it appears that the program helps keep abusers from getting to that point. "

At last someone gets it! The solution has been staring us in the face for some time now, and someone finally put it to good use. The number of social problems that this will solve are numerous. Out of all the worthless legislation being pressed for, THIS addresses a real social threat. Now that we know that it works, there is no reason we shouldn't have this in every state. IT WORKS! DO IT!

To read more of the article, visit this page.

Belting Up

I received my new red belt the other day (since there's no way I'm getting the old one round my waist) and wore it for the first time tonight to class. It's a bit awkward since I'm so rusty and not being 18 anymore, but I'm working my way back. My body isn't what it once was, and there are some embarrassing things that happen post child-bearing that I now have to contend with that I didn't before.

It's weird being acknowledged as a red belt now, even though I earned it previously and have been assured that I have the skills there if unrefined. Now there's an expectation, and I have to work on my headspace. Seriously ... being in public is hard for me. Talking to people is hard for me, even ... especially people that I really really like. Which I think we have some amazing people at the school we attend, and they were a big factor in us choosing that school. It's just one more thing in a list of things that I have to work on, and in some ways it gets easier and harder at the same time.

I'm still working on my control in sparring. I keep wanting to do things that might be effective in a real fight (or possibly get me killed), but are not what we are working on. I find myself wanting to catch kicks and break legs, or throw people over my hip, which I came close to doing with Trenton tonight. Ah how grappling has changed my perception of martial arts, where my main goal was to get someone on the floor. That's not what we're doing though, and it's been so long since I did those locks. Trenton and I were joking that I fight "Wombat Style" since most forms are based off watching animals fight and using their styles. 

   

I freaked out a little the other night when I would tag one opponent and he wouldn't stop, which made me feel threatened and pulled out some interesting stuff, but it also rattled me. I did a stupid move and apparently sprained my thumb, which has made life more complicated. The thumb will heal quickly, even if I've had enough with resting it. The psyche takes more time to recover.

Apparently my subconscious was having a field day with the anxiety. Last night I had a dream where my instructor said that I was moving up to the next level, so he took me and the other higher belts to a balcony that looked over a 2 story drop. There was a pillar that stopped half way (a one story drop) up and we were supposed to do a back flip onto the top of the pillar, which the instructor demonstrated and expected me to do. I've done back flips off diving boards into pools or on trampolines (with limited success - the only exception being the spontaneous one mid fencing bout), but ... uh... and I woke up before I had to do the flip, but apparently I was going to try, do or die. 

I love Trenton's reaction of, "Don't do that", his usual response to things that are pretty much unavoidable, like my weird subconscious. Ah well, at least I don't have to wake up at 4am, run up a mountain, and then crawl back down on my hands and feet, like the Shaolin Monks. Maybe if I did, I could do a back flip onto a pillar though. I'll stick with getting back into the groove of gym + racquetball + Karate. The fever/sick I had last weekend knocked me down for a while, and I have to be careful it doesn't turn into an infection, which I think I'm fighting off because I've been dizzy and short of breath. If I don't rest, I WILL get sick again and not get well, but resting is maddening. Way too much experience with that and my crappy immune system. 

I've been sanitizing the house in hopes of warding off any more interruptions in the new schedule. Hopefully Monday it will be back to the gym for my 2 hours of cardio/weights/yoga and possibly racquetball. Going to have to get to watching the videos for Karate and practicing them on a regular basis, because even remembering things is harder than at 18. It's a challenge, but isn't everything that's worth fighting for? It is nice doing it with my whole family, even if it's weird fighting my husband... perhaps because I've seen him mad. I don't care if I've got a black belt and he's still a white belt, I would not want to get in a fight with him. Just trust me on this. He's a mostly a good guy... okay he's alright (Malcolm Reynolds Reference) ... but I would not want to be on his bad side.

Honesty is the Best ... way to get hurt ... but wouldn't trade it.

"In this world of lies, Truth is forced to fly like a sacred white doe in the woodlands; and only by cunning glimpses will she reveal herself, as in Shakespeare and other masters of the great Art of Telling the Truth, — even though it be covertly, and by snatches." ~ Herman Melville

Ever see that episode of Star Trek where Jean Luc Picard was tortured by being shown a number of lights and punished because he said what was there instead of what he was told to see. Welcome to the life of the abused.

This particular method of torture is called gaslighting, made famous thanks to an old black and white movie, where changing the gas lighting was a vehicle for convincing the victim that they were going crazy. Although I've experienced this directly from my ex-husband when he would laugh and lie about things, it's been something ingrained more post trauma than previous. It's a symptom of society that does not want to believe that bad things happen to good people, so someone must ultimately deserve it or is just trying to get attention.

From the time I was a kid, I've been hard wired honest and it's been a point of contention through out my life. Can you imagine the torture it is to tell the truth and constantly be told that you are lying, because I can all too well, to the point that even when I do tell the truth, I just expect people to not believe me.

When I was around 3 years old, they changed the time that Tom and Jerry came on, so when I told my brother what time it was on, and it was different, I burst into tears. My mom had a hard time figuring out that I thought that I had told a lie and that God was going to strike me down right then and there.  My brother had no such problems however, and when he made untrue claims and I brought him books with proof, he would just say, "that doesn't prove anything." When I would be sick, since my immune system has always been on the puny side and eventually attacked my thyroid, he would accuse me of faking, because that's what he did (The acting of projecting one's own intentions onto another is called projection). And I think that's a lot of where this stems from, because the people who have most often accused me of making things up for attention or lying, are often the same people who happen to do such things on a regular basis. Therefore it's less to do with me and more to do with them.

When I was 12 and molested on a church trip by a boy in my class, he called me a liar saying, "You wish" and getting his male counterparts in on the taunting. The same boy, later chased me out into the water and held me under till I stopped breathing and I had an out of body experience, because well, I drowned. I shouldn't be here. I woke up alone on top of the water, staring at the sun, and coughed the water out of my lungs.  When I started at a new high school where he already knew everyone, he became the popular football player, and I had a reputation for being a liar. After repressing the memory, I became very depressed, especially in association with school, and I did indeed cut my wrists, which of course made more people pile on that I was an attention whore, instead of someone who was post traumatic. Suicidal thoughts were more of a constant companion than so-called friends. Things at home had heated up with my brother in the full swing of hormone hell. My parents had their hands full with him, and the incident that caused my woe was forgotten to all including me who repressed it just to move on, till my mother mentioned it one day and I relived the entire event in one horrifying wash. Looking back now it's easy to see that I needed therapy, but the closest we had was family therapy with everyone and while we were all in a lot of pain, my father did most of the talking and thereby got most of the attention. I sat quietly and when they finally asked me, I went down the line with keen analysis of what was actually going on, much to the surprise of the counselors. Because there's one thing that people forget about the depressed. They are depressed not because they are clueless, but because they are perceptive. The problem is, convincing other people.

It was once said by a friend of mine's psychologist that depression and intelligence go hand in hand. Stupid people don't get depressed, because they don't perceive the connections or information that disconcert those intelligent enough to grasp what it is and where it's going. This inability to affect the things that they understand but cannot stop often frustrates intelligent people into a state of hopelessness. There's a reason that ignorance is bliss.

But that's only the start of the pain. For those that don't care about others and aren't sensitive or empathetic, it's easy to shrug off the onslaught that follows. But being sensitive and empathetic, my hardship had just begun. There's a deluge of people who don't want to think about things or become depressed themselves, so it's easier to attack the source or deny its validity.  I had many worries when I was pregnant and the majority of them were truly founded and came true, while the lies of others were no comfort or salve to my grasp of reality. During that time I was labeled crazy for having a very real concern for the impact on my life of having a child, devoid of the delusions of this being anything but a huge sacrifice. She was worthy of that sacrifice, but it didn't make my concerns any less valid or ultimately true, when I ended up in the hospital with preeclampsia and congestive heart failure after giving birth.

Most of this gas lighting was a byproduct of poor choices as a teen while I was still self destructing over another sexual attack. Not to mention some dates that went down right violent. I've had health issues and pains, most byproducts of anorexia, bulimia, and exercising myself into the ground. Although the pains were real, I was literally dying to be pretty so someone would love me, and while in pain, being told "you are faking" is a horrible assault to the psyche. When doctors were no help, I started taking better care of myself and things began to even out. Others used this as proof that I was only faking, instead of actually taking charge of my life and health, and letting some things go. It's a lot easier for some people to attribute nefarious past intentions than to accept that someone might have actually made a move in a positive direction. It disrupts their ability to see things in black and white or allow others to change, which is why 20 years later I still find this crap crop up.

As a result of this, and an incident being molested by a doctor in Macon... sorry you don't have to cup my breast and compare me to your Catholic ex while listening to my heartbeat... I've had several issues surrounding any form of medical treatment. In 1997 when I asked the doctor about my thyroid, she pretty much yelled at me for even asking. 2007 I had to have my thyroid removed because it had been damaged and my immune system attacked it. While pregnant I had symptoms consistent with preeclampsia such as crazy high blood pressure that were over looked until I ended up in the hospital for a month with congestive heart failure and double lung pneumonia. And just recently when my heart was wonky, they handed me my EKG which clearly said "abnormal ECG" and was just wrong to look at. Then they told me I was fine... Most of this is in some ways saying "you're faking" "You're lying" and "you just want attention". And what these undertones do, is basically the same as gaslighting. When I go to the doctor now, it's very rare for my blood pressure to be anywhere near normal, because it's like going into battle and expecting an attack, an attack I'm not prepared for or in any way armed to defend. When you're sick, you are vulnerable, and don't have alternative options to going to a doctor, which may or may not result in being treated like you're doing it for attention from people that you would rather avoid at all costs. 

The other drawback is that I have good hearing, and when doctors talk about you on the other side of the door, you hear it "Gotta go pretend to be someone's friend" was said when I told the first doctor about being raped after reading an article about how rape victims are at higher risk for certain health problems so you should tell them. So that went well... Another treated me like a statistic when he found out, and I had to answer all sorts of questions about my family. I suppose being treated like data is better than the more commonly treated like an attention whore, when I'm white-faced waiting, hearing people I don't know character assassinate me, or in clear violation of Hippa, always brushed off as me being the crazy one. And honestly, I'm not 100%, but who would be in my shoes? That's part of what gaslighting does, it breaks your reality to the point that you start to think, well am I telling the truth? You begin to feel like you're lying even when you know you're not. But you also feel like you have to defend yourself all the time. Ultimately it feels like a life under siege, and there's no one at your back. 

The thing is that people who know me, know I'm honest... to a fault at times. I can be down right blunt, and if I find out I was wrong, I usually come back to correct it. My poor swiss cheese brain that has a hard time remembering chunks of trauma, does not have the energy for such games.  But I find that those around me do, and turn it into those very games, while putting the blame on me.  

People who are close to me have learned that I tell it like it is, and I don't do well with others who don't. I've had friends who used to lie occasionally. Then after being around me long enough, they learned to love the open honesty, so much that they were unable to go back to lying afterwards. There was one overwhelming response to this change - suddenly people didn't like them very much anymore. Those who have been afraid to tell me the truth, found that telling me was so much better than the alternative. After a lifetime of crazy crap, I've heard it all, and am relatively hard to surprise. The problem is that I often combat with logic, and that's where people take issue. Even emotions are fairly logical and rational byproducts of certain things, even if the core of the emotions isn't always what the person thinks it is.

So here's the deal. Don't judge what you don't understand. It's easy to write people off into a certain category. It's harder to cope with the reality of a person, a full human being of flesh and fault, life and laughter, flaws and merits. But just because you don't get them, doesn't mean that what they are saying isn't true. You can't know what it feels like to be that person, having been through everything they've endured. All you can do is know yourself, and that gets extremely hard when people are constantly attacking your perceptions.

Part of the problem with domestic violence and emotional abuse is the silence. The victim is often bullied into silence and afraid to speak up. Society likes to enforce this subconsciously by insisting that you aren't being positive, or that you're being a gossip, or whatever else to the person who is already in a hard position taking an even harder stance to stand up and stand against something. After being terrified into silence by multiple abusers, I've decided "No More" and I simply tell it like it is. Sometimes this is disconcerting to the listener, but it makes it no less true. The byproduct is that it opens up others to talk about things that they have never talked to anyone else about before, because the way I can nonchalantly handle the information and empathize with the person speaking. It's one of the reasons that psychologists exist. This is healing, if anything else, to know that you are not alone.

The other message that it carries is that there's nothing wrong with having experienced it, or talking about it. I've been accused of feeding off of it for attention. I've had any number of accusations thrown my way, and they are all the symptoms of what is wrong. The moment someone stands up and openly discusses real events that are unpleasant, there are always people to tear them down for doing so and project intent onto them.  Many people have worked hard to shut me up, but the thing is, for every person I help, for every person I get through to, for every person who supports me, there are 10 fold who attack me for it. This does not earn me any extra privileges, only more scars. It's painful and goodness knows it would be a hell of a lot easier to be quiet and go back to biting my tongue. It wouldn't stop the people who already want to take me down though, it would only encourage them. The only way to fight is to end the silence, even if Honesty is the best way to get hurt... I still believe it's the best policy. 

What You Allow is What Will Continue.

Newborn Morgan Snuzzles

I was born in North Carolina and spent the first 3 years of my life in a small town. It was a nice little neighborhood, and my older brother by 3 years and I had friends in the neighborhood.  My father was a traveling salesman as he had been most of his life, and my mother was a home maker at that time. At some point she decided that she could make some extra money by watching the neighborhood children during the day.

My mother has always been good with children. I won the lottery on moms. She majored in sociology and had been a social worker. She was patient and good with children. However this taking on several neighborhood children at once presented new and unusual circumstances.

There were twin blonde girls who would instantly attempt to eat crumbs from underneath our table and there were rowdy boys who broke my toys that I was forced to share with them, knowing how it would end. They did the same to my brother's as well. This lesson carried with it 2 consequences to my brother and myself. My brother ended up with no respect for personal property, even when I was in college and he would mess up my stuff while I was away. I learned that I was supposed to let people destroy my stuff and that strangers mattered more than family. Neither of these were lessons that my mother would have taught us, it was the lesson of experience learned from the other children and parental reaction.

My mom eventually found that watching other people's kids cost more than it was worth. She tried to do what good she could before sending the kids home, feeding the poor twins who seemed to be always starving. Mom has the best heart of anyone I've ever known, but ultimately it was too much and she had to stop doing it and focus on her own kids.

Still there was damage done in that short time, damage my mother would not have wanted, damage that affected her children for years afterward. I learned quickly that I was last and had to tolerate even the destruction of my own property. Nothing really felt like mine and could be taken away at any moment for the whim of someone else, often  my brother who did things like "magic tricks" of sawing my barbie in half.

It's amazing what little things, allowed to continue, can escalate into over time.  Or how little inappropriate behaviors can grow into bigger ones. I'm no stranger to "boiling a frog" and when someone discovers that they can get away with something small without consequences, it emboldens them to try a little further, do a little more.

Now I find myself on the flip side, in my mother's shoes. It's so hard to know what is the seed of something worse to come if allowed to grow.  And it's so hard to make calls to protect your child in potential situations that may or may not develop. However I have experience that my mother did not, she herself who had an experience at a young age that effected her.  Sometimes things that seem small can leave an impact with unintended lessons that could affect someone's personality for a lifetime. And sometimes mom's have to make hard calls that are painful for the benefit of their children.

It was not so long ago that I was carrying Morgan down the stairs. She wriggled and I lost my balance. In a split second I had to decide which way to fall. If I fell forward, I could spare myself, but if I fell backward and broke my leg, I could spare Morgan. In an instant the choice was clear, and I chose to break my leg. Morgan was spared personal pain, other than watching her mother in pain as I slid down the stairs on my broken leg, breaking it worse with each step, and holding her to me to protect her.

If I thought that was the most painful decision that I would have to make, with the most lasting effects, I was probably wrong. Being a mother has come with significant sacrifice in many areas. It's always ongoing and there seems to be no end in sight.  It seems that protecting your child is easier when they are small, but preparing them to cope with other people on their own is so much harder. The pain of child bearing was short and intense (and almost killed me), but the growing pains are constant, and there's no painkiller to soothe a wounded heart when you have to make a painful and unpopular decision to protect your child. If what you allow is what will continue, and you know that it is harmful, it's still hard to put that foot down and no longer allow it. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and be the bad guy so nothing worse happens.

Archer vs Escher

"Life of an Artist" 1999

Over the years, I've used Zazzle to provide products with my artwork on them that I normally could not afford to do. In the past couple years, my best selling image became T-Shirts featuring my image "Life of an Artist"(right) depicting a hand drawing a snake that is biting the hand that draws it.  The description for the image was as follows ...

"This piece was inspired by M.C. Escher and depicts the conflict within an artist to create, which is an integral part of an artists life, but at the same time, the road of an artist is a difficult one. The snake represents the bite of all the obstacles that prevent an artist from being able to support oneself with their art, keeping an artist the cliché of a starving artist. To give up art for money would be death to the soul, yet without money the artists cannot create. The catch 22 of being an artist, doomed to continue creating and continue starving."

This becomes rather ironic as earlier this week, Zazzle took down two of my best sellers, this one and "Fairy Fuzzy", which is a picture of my cat, Prince, with fairy wings, done in 2005 when he was still a young kitty and not the buddha bellied buddy that he is today.

"Fairy Fuzzy" 2005

Considering I have had multiple stalkers and harassers, that was my first inclination, to think that it was one of them when I received this message from Zazzle.

"Design contains an image or text that may infringe on intellectual property rights. We have been contacted by the intellectual property right holder and we will be removing your product from Zazzle’s Marketplace due to infringement claims."

Considering that both images are original creations of my own, I was perplexed. No one else held any copyright to these images, and I thought that it had to be one of harassers, because earlier that day I got more exposure than I have received in a long time. Jamie and Adam Posts on Facebook, shared my image that I did of them Steampunked. They are well aware of this image, because in 2010 I won the Superfan Sweepstakes that paid my way to Comic Con San Diego where I got to meet them in person. I steampunked the build team as well, and Grant shared that image. When I met them all in person, I gave them the originals, and later asked if they minded me making prints, to which I got an instant confirmation of yes from Grant and Kari. Also Jenna Busch bought my Athena necklace (which she loves) at Comic Con, and mentioned it in  her show the same day.

So the moment that I got noticed for my art, I also got attacked.  When I called Zazzle about it, I waited on the phone for 30 minutes to be told they couldn't do anything, and I should email them, which I had already done without response. When I finally got the reply, it was a vague form letter that showed that they never even considered the images in question.

"Unfortunately, it appears that your product did not meet Zazzle’s Acceptable Content Guidelines. Specifically, your product contained content which infringes upon the intellectual property rights of the M.C. Escher Foundation and The M.C. Escher Company.

Zazzle has been contacted by representatives from the M.C. Escher Foundation and The M.C. Escher Company, B.V., www.mcescher.com, and at their request, to remove products which infringe upon their rights from the Zazzle Marketplace.

In this instance, the product contained search tags or descriptions that references M.C. Escher."

That's right ... my original work was removed because of the SEARCH TAGS.

In a way, I was relieved that it was not one of my stalkers, but at the same time, it seemed that Zazzle was not used to people questioning things. While Zazzle's terms of service gives them the right to decide in these situations, even if they didn't even take a moment to realize that the tag on the second image was because of AUTOFILL! 

Zazzle only requested that I resubmit without those tags, which ate up a day of work that I needed for other projects that I was not able to work on, because of this issue, not to mention losing sales which I have a couple a day of that shirt, for the days that it was down. Not to mention that I had suddenly gotten for more promotion than I've had in a long time, ultimately cutting out several potential sales.

There are SEVERAL things wrong with the Escher Foundation doing this. 

1. The Ninth Circuit court, and the Supreme court have continually held that using Trademarks as a description is fair use. And specifically ruled that meta-tags are fair use.

2. M.C. Escher died in 1972. His heirs sold any rights to The M.C. Escher foundation long ago, so this is a business profiting on this with no association with Escher's actual bloodline.

3. This is the kicker. The M.C. Escher Foundation is based in the Netherlands. Their trademark was cancelled in the United States years ago, and his artwork actually falls under Public Domain.

4. You cannot copyright a STYLE! If you could, no one could even do stick figures. Apparently the Escher Foundation has also gone after other artists who have done original artwork with an oscillating pattern. While Escher made it popular, he did not invent it.

5. The artwork itself is completely original to me, and they have no right to impede my business for a search tag which in no way infringes on their Intellectual Property.

6. M.C. Escher is not Voldemort or "The-Artist-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". Mentioning being inspired by Escher in a description is not an infringement. It is not illegal to be inspired by someone.

The Irony of the whole situation is that the image that started this was about how hard it is to make it as an artist, a sentiment that Escher himself would probably have appreciated. There are always people wanting to ride on the coat tails of others and profit off a talent they do not possess. These leaches have a habit of killing the golden goose when they get greedy, and make no mistake, this is exactly what has happened here. 

We are taking legal action in this case, and I hope that in the interest of artists everywhere, that we can raise the awareness that search tags are fair use and a common marketing practice. They are not an infringement, and to harass starving artists in such situations is nothing more than bullying smaller artists trying to make it.

Alive and Kicking... and Punching

Yellow Belt Testing in 1994.

It's a little fitting to be back in Martial Arts so close to the anniversary of when my ex swung at me directly. He charged, and muscle memory kicked in before any other thought. Although emotional abuse was harder to contend with, I was prepared for what to do in this situation, after earning a red belt in Tae Kwon Do and some experience with Wing Chun. Though I never tested at Francis Fong's school in Gwinnet, the lower belts and higher belts all learned the same moves, moves that became ingrained and were highly useful.

The incident went down, because Liam had been doing petty things to keep me trapped at home. He had a habit of letting the air out of my tires, disabling the car battery, and this time, he had hidden my keys. After contending with one of his insane emotional attacks, I decided to leave, and my keys were not where I had left them.  When I confronted him about the possibility of hiding my keys, he laughed at me as he often did to make me feel like the crazy one. But whenever he lied, he had a facial tick that I'd come to notice (he hated that I was so perceptive) and I knew instantly that he had hidden my keys.

"You're lying," I said and I looked around where I had seen him last. There was a pile of laundry waiting to be cleaned next to the laundry room, and a few clothes under the surface, there were my keys, in a place I would have never left them.  He followed me making fun of me and still denying what he had done. I was headed toward the door when I turned to see him charging me, right arm raised in a punch.

Reflexively, I ducked under his arm, grabbing his now punch extended wrist, pulling it forward, and pulling him off balance, as I got him in a headlock that he could not get out of. It was meant to subdue him, restrict breathing till he passed out so I could get away, because I could not bring myself to break his neck. Even in physical danger, I just couldn't bring myself to hurt another, even in self defense... even with all the abuse I'd endured. So instead, I held on, hoping. He then ran backwards, slamming me into the walls again and again, until the hold took affect and then he threw himself onto me on the floor and started crying.  The keys were now long gone and out of sight in the struggle. If I stopped to get them in my escape, I would have been prone. So I just ran.

I ran out the door, and as Liam had insisted, we lived on a small street of houses in the middle of nowhere (he threw a fit that we had neighbors on one side - now I know why). Tears streaked my face as rain started to fall. We were 10 miles from my parents' house, but I was ready to walk there in my nightgown in the middle of the night in the rain. I didn't get there, when Liam drove up next to me, again smiling and laughing at me for walking away. I wasn't going to walk 10 miles with him driving next to me, so I got in the car. (I was kind of scared that he might try to hit me with the car if I didn't comply). We drove back to the house, where I promptly did not forgive him (which he depended on my Christian background to manipulate previously) nor did I let him get away with no consequences, much to his chagrin. I told him to leave. After all, it wasn't long ago, he'd threatened to kill me and drove toward the dead end of a road, because I mentioned the word divorce.

That night, he left and committed himself at the Coliseum where he immediately began manipulating well meaning psychologists into thinking I was the bad guy and that I needed to be there to support him. They were flummoxed when they called me at work on speaker with Liam, and I asked if he had mentioned trying to kill me, which of course Liam tried to blow off as me exaggerating. Then I said that it was hard to think it's exaggerating when he was shouting that he was going to kill me while driving 90 miles an hour toward a road that ended in the interstate. It's a mile marker on I-75 that I still can't pass without remember.  But for the first time, someone started to listen and see that maybe, just maybe he was the liar that I'd come to know.

While it was traumatic, I learned sadly that no one else would protect me, if I wasn't willing to do it for myself. I'd been isolated and abused, while simultaneously having all that abuse projected onto me, where I was completely debased from any support by the character assassination, blamed for all the evil he did to me. This is something that still haunts some older connections and estranged many relationships. People I thought I could trust believed the charming liar, a pattern I've witnessed my whole life with people around me. Heck I fell for it for a while too, but eventually I see through it, which tends to upset people who like to think I'm stupid because I give people a chance.

After the trauma, I have an inclination to hide, to not be seen, and have had other abusers, reinforcing my C-PTSD. So getting back into Martial Arts, I see as a victory. It's something I enjoyed and was good at. When I was a child, I was not allowed to take it, because "you're a girl". I was expected to act like a lady and apparently "take it like a man". After getting tired of being used for practice by my brother and not allowed to learn to defend myself, I took my graduation money and enrolled in Tae Kwon Do.  I had stopped at Red Belt, because at the time it was suggested that black belts would have to register their hands as deadly weapons and if you defended yourself, you would have a harder self defense stance. Eventually I switched to Wing Chun when I moved to Atlanta, which was harder work and more effective. But I found myself combining the two with grappling in actual situations.

I'm very thankful that I made that choice, and I believe that it is effective at warding off attacks. Now my daughter will be able to do what I could not, and it's already good for her. At the beginning of the class, the loudness of the instructor's voice upset her, as mine does when I ask her to do something, but by the end of the class she was having a blast, and many of the things I'd been trying to teach her were sinking in as a good thing.

I know that I cannot protect my daughter from the world, but I can prepare her for it, something I did not have with an archaic expectation of being protected by the men in my life, when ironically, they were the ones I needed the most protection from ... and had the least.  With the whole family doing it, I see many benefits for us in health, and Morgan watching her parents demonstrate respect will be beneficial as well. She's so smart, but being an only child, I worry. Already she's adorable, and I worry what she will have to contend with when she grows into the beautiful, smart woman that I know she will be. I just want to make sure that when that day comes, she will have the confidence, emotional strength, and physical capability to handle whatever comes her way.

Being Free takes Respect and Responsibility

Being a Libertarian AKA How to tick off both polar political parties at once. 

I am PRO CHOICE, and when I say that, I am not talking about abortion, I'm talking about FREEDOM! I'm for allowing citizens to make their own choices so long as it does not violate the rights of another citizen, and as a balance I believe that if you abuse it, you lose it. Abusing the freedoms of another negates your right to freedoms and the intervention of the law.

I also believe that choices come with a responsibility to understand a choice and to take responsibility for the consequences of making it. With the internet and ready information there is no excuse for making an uninformed choice, unless someone chooses to ignore certain facts. Again... it's a choice to be ignorant and to reap its consequences.

I'm for people choosing who they want to love and marry, because they are the ones who have to live with that choice and its consequences. It's not anyone else's business unless rights are being violated like in cases of abuse.

I am for people choosing religion that reflects their beliefs and how they wish to worship the divine, so long as they do not force others to believe the same. Rules within their religion are subject to those members choosing to be a part of it and choosing to be under that religion's tenets. It should never extend beyond their own congregation, which is a CHOICE to belong to in the first place.

I am for allowing people to choose to carry a firearm to defend and protect themselves from those trying to violate their freedoms, and I am for people who choose not to, but neither's choice should be inflicted on the other. Both choices carry a need for respect and responsibility.

I am for allowing people to choose what to put into their bodies, because they are the ones that have to live with those choices. If there is anything that should be a person's sole property, it should be the right to their own flesh. Inversely no one should have a right to another's flesh without consent. Only an individual knows what's it like to live in their skin and not everybody's body is the same, so choosing a doctor to tend to its needs should also be a matter of choice, as well as procedures and tests. The consideration of another's flesh also carries a need for respect and responsibility.

Probably the most extreme I get is when it comes to those who violate freedoms. Because allowing the previous freedoms basically extinguishes all victimless crimes, it would free up law enforcement to focus on real threats to citizen safety, crimes that have victims. It would save a small fortune not paying for the care and upkeep of victimless criminals, and instead funding the prosecution of true threats. We could save on them as well, because I am for the death penalty for those who are legitimate violent threats and have abused the rights of others. By not respecting the rights of another, they negate their own rights. Freedom only works if everyone is willing to play by the same rules of respect and responsibility, with the understanding of the consequences, and terminal punishment being the consequence of their choice to forfeit someone else's freedoms. Such punishments should be reserved for the most dire violations of another's rights, but should be carried out swiftly to remove the threat to society.

I also believe as consequence in less severe cases there should be direct responsibility for victim compensation/wergild not by the state but by the individual criminal, company, or group that committed the crime, they being the source should take personal responsibility, instead of taxpayers, to pay for things such as therapy for the victim, medical needs, replacing stolen goods, and working off the debt stolen. In essence they should truly PAY for their crimes and contribute something beneficial in order to make up for the negative impact that the victim will have to live with for the rest of their lives. Most likely this would not involve direct contact but a victim advocate as an intermediary.

In addition, with these extra funds not expended on victimless crimes, we could raise the wages of law enforcement so that pursuing true threats would no longer be above their pay grade, refocus them away from victimless crimes and toward thwarting real threats.

I believe in choice and not protecting people from the consequences of their choices, but informing them to make good choices and take personal responsibility for making bad choices. Is freedom really so controversial, or have we just moved so far away from it, that we don't know what it looks like anymore?

To Like or Not to Like, That is the Question ...

As a mother, I see things in my child that are the seeds of adult issues and try to nip them in the bud. One of them is a tendency to like things in order to fit in. My daughter has her own mind in so many ways, but there's that nervousness and desire to please. Then at times she's down right bewildered when some people don't like the same thing that she does, and I have to reminder her that it's okay to not like all the same things.

In a world filled with people who attack others for having opposing views, or liking things that they don't, I think a lot of adults still do this from that same seed, and ultimately they have a hard time being honest with themselves and others about how they truly feel about things. Do they really like it, or do they think that they are "supposed" to like it?

Whether it's related to politics, religion, or even just food, there's a media frenzy to tell you what to like, what to want, and who to be. I've known people who responded with the exact opposite, where they purposely dislike things that are popular. My brother as a child often disliked anything the moment I started liking it. I remember liking things that I was "supposed" to like and then as I became stronger in myself, I let go of those things, and embraced the things I truly loved. In so doing, I found more people like myself and didn't have to "work" to fit in, because I already did.

It's understandable with children who are still finding out who they are, but I've seen many adults suffer from an inability to admit what they do and don't like. They don't know their own mind and thus it's hard for others to really know them, because who they are could change dramatically with a trend, or someone else's new idea. How can you know someone who is simply an amalgam of other people's identities? Can you know someone who doesn't know themselves?

Sometimes from the outside, you can see or at least acknowledge habits and behaviors that the individual might not be aware of, until they learn to accept the full scope of their own being. So in a way, an outsider might be capable of knowing someone better than they know themselves, and in that moment there is danger, because someone with bad intentions can spot an easy target who can be manipulated by those same exterior concepts that dictate their life. It happens in the media and religion all the time, pulling heart strings to sway someone to their point of view.

Everybody changes over time, but still there's a core self that should be solid and remain solid, and it starts with being honest with yourself about yourself. You have to be able to take a hard look in the mirror and accept the good AND the bad. You have to know what is you and what is influenced. You have to think for yourself instead of letting other people tell you what to think about certain topics. If you do, then new information that is contrary to your beliefs is no longer a threat. It's only a threat if other people control what you think.

So as you go about your day today, question everything, and ask why you do what you do, why you like what you like, and be honest, ESPECIALLY if you don't like the answer. Who told you to like this or not like this? How did it enter your life? Who let it in? The answers might surprise you, and you might not be as independent in your thinking as you once thought.

Sandra's Angels

CBS46 News

Domestic abuse is a very real threat, and as the lady who works with helping women in need of refuge said last night, it affects 1 in 4 women. Sandra's case is so heart breaking and extreme, but the elements of abuse are an epidemic infecting our society, which makes it a community problem. When we don't tackle these problems in their infancy, they grow and escalate. Then it's up to the community to do damage control for a problem with many warning signs. Please learn them and let's help put a stop to abuse. In the mean time, Sandra and her family is accepting donations and could use your help on her road to recovery.

I have posted one of my paintings for auction on Ebay and will be donating the proceeds to Sandra's Angels. http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=321450476937




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Personal Soylent Issues

My body is weird, and my stomach is sensitive to certain things like B vitamins and chromium. Taking "weight loss" vitamins usually results in me throwing them up because they irritate my stomach. So when I started not being able to stomach Soylent, I figured that must be what was going on.

Before I started Soylent, I had taken a B vitamin shot, the only way I can get them into me without problems. Somehow this made drinking Soylent fine, but when it wore off, I had problems stomaching the Soylent and even threw it up. The taste became unbearable. But a B vitamin shot later and my body adjusted to it just fine again.

Also in the past I've had issues going vegetarian. Some people just can't, and apparently I'm part cat or something and need some of the amino acids from meat. I kept craving meat. We started adding Creatine to the Soylent and that helped, but looking at adding Carnosine and Carnitine as well.

I've basically been using Soylent like I did Slimfast and eating a real meal once a day. If nothing else, I am getting better nutrition than before, so that's good. I haven't lost any real weight. If anything I've gained but that's partially due to the thyroid issue and lots of heavy lifting. Trenton's lost 7 pounds and has been able to stick to purely Soylent without issue, but then he's mostly healthy.

A couple weeks ago I ended up in the emergency room with heart issues. So I haven't been pushing my body to adjust. I had congestive heart failure when I had my daughter, and a 50/50 chance of dying if I have another child due to my heart. So if I'm not gung ho over Soylent, it's because my body is abnormal to start with, and stress does bad things. I haven't given up on it just yet, but I'm not pushing it either. So we'll see what happens.

The One Thing That Ruins it All

Imagine trying to fit a child through that ... 

When "The Lord of the Rings" movies came out, I was in my mid-twenties. I had recently divorced a psychopath who laid a web of lies to catch me, and then tried to destroy me for trying to leave. The moment that I was divorced my male friends, saw me instantly as available, disregarding the horrible traumas I'd been through and I immediately had to deal with more people vying to get in my pants post rape.

When I saw Lord of the Rings, I was instantly infatuated with Aragorn, and it wasn't until recently that I put together why he was so attractive to me at the time. It had less to do with Viggo Mortensen's performance, and the knee weakening line "if by my life or death I can protect you, I will", and more to do with his ability to resist the temptation of the ring. Even when Frodo offered it to him, Aragorn said no, because it wasn't right at that moment. It also explains why when listening to the books, I was more infatuated with Faramir.

Of course when I saw Viggo in person riding Hidalgo, I squealed over the horse... I have issues.

Being a woman can be a lot like carrying the one ring. People you think that you can trust, who you've journeyed with for a long time, even if they make side long comments ... you don't think they'll pull a Boromir and jump you to try and take it from you ... but sometimes they do. And just like Boromir, some of them might feel guilty when they come to their senses later, but then there are Nazguls who might come out of the shadows and gang stab you, leaving you never quite the same. Gollums lurk in the corners, stalking you and waiting to pounce. Others feel entitled to the power for playing the nice guy, like the recent California incident, and when they don't get the prize in their web of lies, they show their true colors.

One does not simply feel entitled to sex.

Like the ring's gravity, sexual appeal is a form of power, a power that influences men and women. For every power hungry man who is more interested in the ring than its bearer, there are also Galadriels who can turn on you, wanting to be the most powerful, and can turn and attack you out of jealousy. I've been accused of a lot of sex I've never had with people who had more interest in me than I did in them. But the women involved couldn't fathom beyond their mate's lust to things such as friendship. They assumed that I was taunting men with the ring, (usually because that's how they used their own power) and perhaps some of those men might have been Boromirs, but some were also Faramirs who were just good friends.

All of this can leave a girl to want to throw that ring into the mountain and be done with the trouble of the Nazguls and Gollums in the world who seem to always be a step behind you. There are so few Aragorns out there in the world. Although it gets better as you get older and are less appealing than the new crop of young things, there will always be those making power plays of one form or another. At least the metaphor falls apart because it's not horrible to use your own power of the ring, well unless you're a Puritan with God's eye watching you. And using that power can be great if you happen to find your Aragorn. But like Frodo at the end of the series, those attacks from others can leave you changed. The wounds of Nazgul never quite heal even if you happen to have some Elven magic. But the journey is worth it as long as you've got some good friends like Sam and Gandalf to help.

Day 6: Soylent

So yesterday, I was trying to drink my Soylent dinner, and I gagged and threw up half of it. Oops! Let's just say I am not as fond of the taste at this point, but also I tend to need meat in my diet. So we are adding creatine into the mix now.

Last night since we went to meet people for a social gathering, I ate a normal dinner and had some bread. My body's reaction confirmed the gluten allergy, so yay ... I think.

A week in and I'm less thrilled about the taste of Soylent, but after eating a meal last night, I noticed that I was hungry shortly afterward. I didn't have that fullness I'd had the rest of the week from complete nutrition. A normal meal and I instantly gained weight again too ... yay ...

Today will be the first creatine mixed Soylent so we'll see how that changes things, hopefully for the better. I've never done well on diets. They generally make me sick. Atkins, I threw up bile. Go too long without meat, I get sick. So hopefully creatine will balance that out and I'll be fixed up. Here's hoping!

Day 5: Soylent

After being awake for 2 days straight, I completely crashed. My husband let me sleep in, since our daughter kept me up last night. When I woke up and stretched my arms, I realized instantly that I had lost weight this week. After weighing myself, I'd lost 5 lbs already. This is significant for several reasons. The only time I've been able to truly lose weight since my thyroid was removed (and I instantly gained 40 lbs after its removal) was when I was pregnant and threw up every day for 9 months.  Even when dieting, if I was working out, my body would think it was starving and save what I did eat to fat. It's been a frustrating and never ending cycle.  

I've mentioned before that there is a connection to gluten allergies and Hashimoto's thyroiditis, and I'd never been able to fully go gluten free even though the indicators were there.  Finding the food and just daily life became such a pain in the butt, that I just said "screw it" and went on with life.  Soylent is gluten free, although it is not Vegan. You can order a Vegan version though. So anybody with a strange diet need that's hard to find, this is the way to go. 

To cope with my crazy allergies, I've been living on Claritan D to survive for years, but sometimes it causes trouble sleeping. I'm going to experiment and take myself off it to see if sleep patterns will return to normal and see if Soylent has any effect on my immune system being stronger.

One other thing I've noticed is that I feel stronger.  My body has always had issues absorbing iron. Many vitamins work in conjunction with other vitamins to make them absorbable. For instance a lack of Vitamin C will make your body less able to absorb iron, so even if you take iron supplements, it won't do any good without the Vitamin C. Seems like since all those needs are balanced now, my body is getting what it needs, and I feel so full that the thought of eating "real food" even if it smells good is almost an aversion now. It's that feeling of being so stuffed, you couldn't possibly eat another bite.

So I'm remaining hopeful and pleased so far. I hope that this is the start of a healthier life.