Polite is not Nice

Fall is coming, and the memories of the ex are fast on its heels. Fall has always been a big memory stimulator for me, and having the worst days of my life associated with it, makes my once favorite season, a rather hard one. It gets the wheels turning in my head. Memories come unbidden. The nightmares kick up, and a general melancholy comes over me with the North wind. It gets me thinking on certain things, observations I wish I had known when I was young and stupid. This is one... there's a big difference between nice and polite. There are plenty of polite people in the South, but they really aren't very nice when you get to know them. I met a lot of nice people in New York, but they weren't very polite. They were direct, and they just didn't want people wasting their time, and I can appreciate that. To me it's more honest. This polite posturing makes me not believe people actually like me, which meant it took a year before I would consent my best friend ever, actually liked me and wasn't just being polite. I liked him a lot, but I'm not easily convinced of reciprocation.

My psychopathic ex-husband used to tell me the way to get out of trouble (in this case a speeding ticket) was to "act nice"... and I just stared at him. What about just BEING nice? Why can't you just BE nice? But that was the thing. It was an act, an act to get people to respond to him favorably, to get what he wanted. It was means to an end, a manipulation that never penetrated the surface, a way for him to mojo himself out of being held accountable for his actions. That's why when he didn't get his way, he often shifted to threats and violence in a heartbeat, because that was what was behind the act, control. The thing is, that works for psychopaths and narcissists because most people don't make it past the facade to see beyond the act. They see the charming, funny, charismatic facade, but psychopaths know how to set the stage and perform captivatingly. Psychopaths often have this glamour effect when they talk that is spellbinding to the listener. That's why you get serial killers where afterward people always say that they seemed like such a nice guy.

The thing is, the real nice people are a little more rough up front, but they're genuine.  It's a little harder to accept, not wrapped fancy and neat. They just are and put it out there. While a psychopath or narcissist is a gift box wrapped beautifully and perfectly with nothing inside, most genuinely nice people come unwrapped with the price sticker still on. Genuine people are functional and serve a purpose, while you've already seen the extent of what the pretty box has to offer. Genuine people don't have that euphoric charisma that beguiles people with a silver tongue and a smile that doesn't quite touch their eyes. Psychopaths and narcissists tend to bypass reason, even if your subconscious starts to throw up walls, they have a way of quieting your very founded fears. My ex laughed at me for being worried when we were dating, "What, do you think we're going to get married, and this mask is going to come off and I'll be a monster underneath?" He made it sound ridiculous to be concerned, but that was EXACTLY what happened and he knew it. Listen to your gut, because it knows. Every time I've ignored it, I've been sorry and regretted not heeding that little voice that said something wasn't right, and instead listening to the words of someone who could twist anything to their favor. I've lost a lot because of not listening to my gut.

Personally I try to be polite. I'm getting less nice as I get older and collect more wounds from psychopaths and narcissists. This makes me sad. I like being nice. It's my first impulse to want to help people. But I've had to hold back. Yeah I harp on the subject, because I have had an abnormal number of psychopaths and narcissists in my life, and no, not everyone who hurt me fits in that category. But it's a high percentage of the people I cut out of my life, which is really a rather low number. I haven't even gotten to counting on my toes. But one person can do a hell of a lot of damage that accumulates over time. I've already mightily screwed up my own life by repeatedly getting involved with such people. I only hope others will learn from my mistakes. Cause, goodness knows, I'll probably do it again, about the time I relax and think I've got this.

Polite is easy to see. Nice... well that comes with time and if you ask a psychopath if they are a good person, they will tell you how awesome they are, while hiding dark despicable deeds. A narcissist will never have the wherewithal to question whether they might be the problem. And both will justify whatever they do to be the "right" thing. All you can do is watch what they do, and pay attention. That knot in your gut knows why that person can't hold down a regular job, or keep a boyfriend for long, or why their close friends don't stay close for long before there's a new one, or why the people who seem the closest live miles and miles away and don't see them much. People tend to like psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists at first... but eventually emotionally healthy people get tired of the crap through constant exposure, and patient friends are just rewarded with more abuse for their toleration. All that does is enable the person to keep steamrolling over people. The only person who can cure a narcissist, is the narcissist themselves, and most don't want to because they enjoy it. It takes them really committing to caring about others and wanting to change. But most are incapable. To narcissists, their "caring" is what other people can do for them, not what they can do for others. Even when they do something for someone else, they tend to do it as a social obligation for appearances more than genuine concern, much like the psychopath, for which there is no cure.  Their "good" deeds are done for show and manipulation. They are born that way and they will never change. Sociopaths... well... they have their own set of rules that don't quite work within society. That's why they are called Anti-social as in against society. You're not going to get anywhere with them either. Save yourself the heartache and don't waste your life like I have. Get out, and don't mistake polite for nice. Polite has no commitment. It's a pretty sign that doesn't do anything. Nice listens. Nice gives. Nice empathizes. Nice is grateful. Nice helps you move. Nice isn't overly critical or self centered. Nice is an expression of the good within someone. Polite is a rehearsed response to adhere to social graces. I'll take nice over polite any day.