Silence

The reason that I am so open about things is because the most evil people in my life made me quiet about them. They didn't want to be inconvenienced with  my feelings, while I was supposed to sacrifice for theirs. My ex even gave me a book called "The Power of Silence" when we were dating. This is the same man who duct taped my mouth for talking when he was raping me. I made sure he knew what he was doing, that it was wrong, and that he would not be able to spin it or say he misunderstood. For this he tried to silence me, and I continued to make myself heard and fight him every step of the way with my mind, even though my body was hogtied hand and foot. Eventually though, by the fourth time he raped me, violating my privacy in between each rape, reading my diary, my emails, etc (anger turned him on), I had no more words. I was broken and just stared blankly. My fire had gone out, and whatever energy, willpower, I'd been using up to that point to keep going had gone out.

These are the facts of what happened. He even confessed when the cops arrested him, trying to plead insanity. So by his own words, this happened. This just is. I talk about it, because whenever you visit a memory in a safe environment, part of that environment transfers to that memory. This is why it is important to talk about these things with people you trust. It's why psychologists exist. Talking about it is healthy, the ones steeped in silence are not. I refuse to be ashamed of the actions of someone else. There's plenty of regret and guilt surrounding getting entangled with a psychopath and believing his lies, but he would have liked nothing more than for me to be quiet so he could keep manipulating people. So yeah, I talk about it and other things. For this, I catch A LOT of hell, usually from my next abuser or people who have abusive tendencies.

If you don't want to read these things, then don't, just move on. It does you no harm for me to express myself about the events of my life on my page. And despite the proclamations of other abusers, if there's anything I know better than anyone else, it's me. Despite what you may choose to project on me, I aim to be as genuine as possible. Though some of it may seem absurd, well, I've seen some crazy things and sides of people you would not believe. You chose to be here and if you can't handle it, leave. I don't want anyone here who doesn't want to be.

I try to be as grounded and honest as possible with myself and others, because I do have the habit of going quiet, when I need to speak up. What can I say? Some of the training stuck, and I still get blindsided and glamoured by certain people where I'll be upset and then somehow it's like going in a trance and I think it's okay while listening to them manipulate things, even though it's not okay. But eventually I shake it off, which tends to tick them off. My verbal prowess was burned up that night and left me with a speech impediment when nervous, so fighting back verbally, though something I could once do well, isn't really an option for me anymore. Maybe because I've had verbal turn physical too often and my brain is freezing waiting for it to turn ... I therefore do not fair well in verbal altercations. Being able to say anything at all is impressive for me, and extroverts don't see to get that. I literally cannot verbally fight it out face to face, while I can write a message that will lay bare one's soul for all the world to see.

However I've been known to handle a physical brawl pretty decently. But when I feel like I'm facing someone manipulating facts and giving off all the abuser vibes, my mind is just trying to extricate me from the situation before it turns violent... because I have been known to snap when continuously pushed. If people get to the third no and I feel genuinely threatened, well, ever seen those wind up cars that you pull back and it just winds them up and then when let go they zoom forward? It's like that. After having been literally drowned, out of body experience and all, one fellow who I repeatedly told not to push me under the water had a nasty surprise, when I stopped him and threw him by his hair into the ocean with my left hand, saying "I said NO"... He ran home, was not hurt, but was scared shitless. Meanwhile even when my ex attacked me, though I could lock and trap and do holds on him, I could not actually HURT him. It just wasn't in me, even with him choking me, I just wanted to get away. However, recently, I think I burned up my fight again and now life just feels like a Wack-a-Mole game, where every time I stick my head out, there's someone there to beat me back down. I'm getting rather tired of this game, and because I know they're not going to stop and I just attract them, despite trying to do things to fix that... I just find myself feeling like I just don't want to be here anymore. Thus how I want to be a hermit. My only consolation is that I know by being open about my fight, others fighting have benefited. And that's why I do it. But I hope they know what a deeply flawed and screwed up person I am. That's a good thing, because if someone as messed up as me can keep fighting, then it makes it easier for others. Every fiber of my being wants to quit right now and has for a while. But I can't live by wants, so little of my life has been comprised of what I want. It's a need to keep going, and knowing that even my body, my long time nemesis, is trying to silence me. And as Tyrion said in A Song of Ice and Fire...