Two Wolves

Recently a woman was beat to death in Cherokee County in a fit of domestic violence. This is why I keep talking about this, keep presenting it, because it is real and present in our world. At its core is emotional abuse, which escalates into physical abuse. I will continue to try to educate myself and others, so we can fight this. It's an insidious problem that creeps up, even when you think you have a handle on it.

The difference between insanity and evil is that insanity doesn't know what they are doing is wrong. They don't understand good and evil. They are pitiable creatures who walk over others obliviously, lost in their own world. Their brains literally cannot function normally. However more often than not, those who mistreat others seemingly unconsciously, do realize what they are doing, because it's how they have always maintained control and taken from others to amplify themselves. Because at the end of the day, they are parasites, takers, users, who know how to manipulate others to get their way. In fact they often pride themselves on it. Everything is fluid for the abuser and ever changing, including themselves (often depending on who they are around and want to influence), and they are the one in charge of which way the chaos turns. The only constant is that they are the one who is always right, the victim, and in charge. No matter what they have done to incur the wrath of another with their behaviors, if the other makes a stand, the abuser will turn it to make themselves the victim, gas-lighting, blame shifting, excuses, threats, anything to manipulate things in their favor and not address or confess to the issues caused by their abusive/unhealthy behavior. This constantly keeping things off balance is not only unstable, but makes it hard for the victim to gain a foothold. It's all at the whim of the abuser.

These are learned tactics that have gotten the abuser their way in the past with people often too polite to say anything or get a word in edgewise while they are bulldozed over. What makes these behaviors evil is that they are by design with only the thought of the abuser's gain in mind. It's about control. Secrets, editing what the victim says, making the rules of interaction, etc., all of these are taking over by inches, and slowly tighten the noose. It happens slowly lest the victim get wise and leave. Though the heart of the abuser might in fact be good, their choice to abuse over and over can overshadow that, when it is a core component of their personality. The good heart keeps the victim hoping, but the only thing the victim will attain in this relationship is more emotional abuse. After all, what incentive does the abuser have to change, when they are getting what they want? Leaving is often the answer, however, it also comes with its own dangers. This is where you see stalking, using others to intervene (because they are excellent manipulators), preying on sympathies of others or the victim, or sometimes outright attempting to destroy the other in some facet. This is more than just talking to friends about issues, which is a healthy reaction to loss and damage, but has an underlying goal of regaining control or damaging the other person, under the guise of resolution. Often it comes with the mantra "If I could just talk to them", because if they can talk, they can manipulate, and maybe gain some control. This is because the abuser has never been good at boundaries to begin with, and when a victim leaves, it sets a boundary, a boundary that an abuser will often ignore just like the others.

When you are with a manipulative abuser it's almost like being glamoured, things seem to make sense when you are with them and then when you think about it later, things don't add up. Things will fall apart because they were done the abuser's way, and the abuser will always have an excuse irrelevant to the direct consequences of their choice, such as, well that's just how these things work. Or blame it on the victim that they just don't understand. It's part of the failure to accept consequences.

Abusers and manipulators can be impressively talented people with keen minds. They have to have sharp minds to keep track of their chaos, because no one else can. And often they just have a goal and barrel through to it. But their tunnel vision can leave wreckage in their wake. However because they are so good at manipulating people, there's always someone else there in the wings, eager to accept what the abuser says and take on the role left open by the leaving victim. But while the abuser is good at pulling people in, they often aren't good at keeping them.  They can play the part for a while, but while most people love them at first, eventually even the most tolerant weary of the behavior. This is marked by a high turn over rate in their love life, friendships, work, or room mates. Only the most patient of people stick it out long term, either because they are soundly fooled, or are aware and have learned to manage it.

Everyone blows up now and then. Everyone has moods and bad days. Some people sincerely just clash. This is not emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a consistent prevalent pattern across multiple relationships through the years. It's a cycle marked with red flags, because this is how they have learned to cope with the world. More often than not, smart children learn how to manipulate parents to get what they want and just never stop, or they have never had a good role model for healthy relationships and are simply acting out what they grew up with. Much of abuse comes from immaturity. So much of who we are is genetic and programming from our families, but even with all that programming, at some point you have a choice.  Even if you have a personality disorder, you have a choice whether or not to accept it as something you need to work on, or deny it and hide it from others.  Abusive Personality disorders run a gamut from Narcissism's entitlement and ego to Antisocial Personality Disorder marked by deceitfulness, irresponsibility, impulsiveness/ failure to plan, and lack of remorse. At some point if people are telling you the same things, eventually a healthy person will ask, maybe it's me? Maybe they're right? ... but that won't happen with a narcissist or an abuser. They'll rewrite history to be the victim or some personality disorders will cause holes in memories, even forgetting things in certain states.

So here's your call to action. If any of this sounds familiar, then seek help, even if it's just talking to a close friend or family member. Talk to people. Speak out, because abusers thrive in the silence of their victims. If you think maybe you might be abusing, then do some soul searching. Abusers are usually the last to seek psychological help, and when they do, they are too busy manipulating their image to the therapist to be able to get actual help. The only person who can change an abuser is themselves. Be honest with yourself and others, talk to friends who will be honest with you and tell you hard truths. Let it hurt and listen. Be more aware of what and why you do things. What are your motivations? Could those motivations be riding rough shod over someone else? Work on your empathy, which may be less than you think. All the social problems in the world start within the heart of the individual, and only the individual can control how that is expressed. It's like learning another language, a truer language to learn to be healthy. Sometimes feelings don't have the words or are hard to express, and people without experience may do it as they learned when they were young or have always done, when it doesn't actually apply. All you can do is be the best person you can be, and aim to be as healthy as you can, surround yourself with healthy people, and try to overcome. Because we are all 2 wolves...

One evening, an elderly Cherokee Brave told is grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed."

Ramblings on Chow Chows

So I had one of those weird moments when I wake up from a dream and a thought is planted in my head. "Ever notice how Chow Chow dogs look like Chinese Dragons?" and I thought about how yes, they look similar and dragons were associated with the emperor, where chows were used as guardians. Hmm... so I had to look it up.

As a little girl, we grew up with chow dogs. They loved our family, but were also fiercely protective. In our old neighborhood, there was a rash of break ins, but not our house, with 2 chows guarding it. Before that when we lived in NC, our male chow got out in search of females, and someone thought it was a lion. They weren't the only ones that thought chows resembled lions. "The Chow Chow (sometimes simply Chow[2]) is a dog breed originally from northern China,[3] where it is referred to as Songshi Quan (Pinyin: sōngshī quǎn 鬆獅犬), which means "puffy-lion dog"."

"The breed has also been called the Tang Quan, "Dog of the Tang Empire". It is believed that the Chow Chow is one of the native dogs used as the model for the Foo dog, the traditional stone guardians found in front of Buddhist temples and palaces."

"The Chow is a unique breed of dog thought to be one of the oldest recognizable breeds. Research indicates it is one of the first primitive breeds to evolve from the wolf. DNA analysis confirms that this is one of the oldest breeds of dog that probably originated in the high steppe regions of Siberia or Mongolia, and much later used as temple guards in China, Mongolia and Tibet."

"Chinese legends mention large war dogs from central Asia that resembled black-tongued lions. One Chinese ruler was said to own 5,000 Chows. The Chinese also used Chows to pull dog sleds, and this was remarked upon by Marco Polo."

"A legend says that the original teddy bears were modeled after Queen Victoria's Chow Chow puppy. It is said that she carried the dog everywhere she went. Her friends disapproved, claiming that it did not befit a queen to be seen everywhere with a dog, so they paid a dressmaker to make a stuffed version of the animal for her."

My brother and I with the Chow puppies around 1978. 

Their purple or sometimes referred to as "black" tongue is fairly uncommon. "We do know that the Chow is not the only breed with a blue-black tongue. The Chinese Shar-Pei shares this trait as well. A few other animals have black tongues, too: the giraffe, polar bear, and several breeds of cattle including the Jersey."

It breaks my heart to think this companion to emperors and queens went from Foo Dog to food. My father had a Chow in Korea, during the Korean War, and his house boy ate the dog when he found out my father was leaving, but first they tied it to a post and beat it to death to make sure the meat was tender.

Chows get a bad wrap, but like so many dogs, it's a lot to do with how you raise them. There are bad dogs, any vet will tell you that, just like there are bad people. I've had Chows all my life, and we only had one that was not right. We had a breeding pair, and my parents would sell the puppies. I think that stopped though after the female, Tasha, adopted a bag of potatoes. They were small and brown, and vaguely resembled newborn chow puppies. My mom found this out when she went to get a potato and Tasha protected the potatoes. Tasha ended up dragging around that bag of potatoes until all of them rotted and fell apart.

Now we don't have a purebred Chow, but a mixed breed rescue with a black tongue and some certainly Chow tendencies. She was feral when she was found as a puppy, and I can certainly see some wolfish behavior lending back to Chow's ancient heritage. I'm not so sure what my subconscious was trying to tell me about Chows and Dragons, but they are an intriguing breed. My favorites have always been Chows and German Shepherds. Evey was a mix of both and one of the best dogs we could ever ask for. I'm very happy for my Foo dogs, and now feel the need to read more Dresden Files.

Referenced: https://en.wikipedia.org/?title=Chow_Chow

Loving Yourself

We have a society of people who are so worried about loving themselves so they feel good but don't know how to love. If you can't understand love, how can you perform this action in any way for yourself or others. Self love is not the same as narcissism, which is what many have turned it into and here's the difference.

LOVE requires HONESTY
If your love is based on a lie, even if that lie is to yourself, then it's not love. Sometimes you have to tough love yourself as well. Anything built on a lie won't last. Don't accept the things that just feel good. Understand your weaknesses, only then can you overcome them. Most lies start within ourself before we start passing them off to others. Don't lie to yourself or others that you are more or less important than you are. It won't make it so.

LOVE is not about the OUTSIDE
If your love is based on your physical appearance, don't be surprised when that's all others want from you. Your physical beauty does not entitle you to certain things, nor does it omit you from love. Don't be shallow with yourself, and you won't be shallow with others. Your physique will fade, don't build your self worth on something that won't last.

LOVE is a DISCIPLINE
The Bible says if you love your child, you discipline them. There is truth to that. If you never discipline a child, you are dooming them to never be able to cope with a world that will inevitably say no and get tired of their self serving crap. Discipline is how you achieve greater and greater things, and that starts with yourself. If you love yourself, you will discipline yourself to not give into every whim and urge that might hurt yourself or those around you. Learning self discipline tames the chaos and will make you a better person.

LOVE is about TRUST
Learn to listen to yourself and trust your intuition. If you are honest with yourself enough to know how and why you feel the things you feel and disciplined enough to not be subject to whim, intuitions become clearer. Listen if a part of you tells you that something is wrong, because it probably is. Don't stay where you are being taken for granted and hurt. Love yourself enough to remove yourself from situations that are destructive and toxic. Your intuition will tell you.

LOVE won't change with your POSITION
If you have to be over others and in charge to feel good about yourself, then that's a tenuous situation, because what you really love is power. A need for power and control are fast tracks to destruction. The only thing you can control is you. That needs to go inward instead of outward. Learning to be okay with yourself in any position is powerful. Self worth should come from inside instead of outside, because outside can change at any moment.

LOVE is about being wise with your TIME
Just as people who waste your time, don't care about you, don't waste your time either. Take the time to do the things you need to do for you. Take care of yourself, and don't allow other people to squander your time. Value your time, and others will value it as well. Time is much like emotional currency. Don't spend it on those who are a bad investment of your time, but invest in those who give you a return, including yourself. Spend that time wisely making yourself better.

Love is not something we innately know.  It's something we learn from experience and observation. We come into the world selfish babies, because it's about us and our needs and getting as much love from others as we can. This doesn't make us bad, just immature. Eventually we are to grow out of that phase, but more and more people are growing up less and less. If we don't have good models to learn from, we do what we can to get by. This is how people learn to manipulate others to get what they think they want or need. In children it's tantrums, but adults are more practiced and manipulations take many forms. When you don't have the love you need from others, it's hard to know how to love yourself. Supposedly people who need love the most, like the color purple. I'm not sure if that's true, but I've seen a lot of purple lovers who have developed unhealthy behaviors to supplement love and get their way. All I can do is hope that if you are reading this now that you will at least think about this. After all, you can't change someone who sees nothing wrong with their behavior, and that includes ourselves.

Choice

Sometimes telling someone that everything that happens to them is their choice, is like saying it's their fault the server got their order wrong. It's not because the other person made a mistake, heard wrong, or grabbed the wrong dish, it's because, "Deep down, you really wanted a salad instead of steak".

If EVERYTHING is your choice, you have an absurd amount of control over your life, that just doesn't jive with reality. There are choices, and that is your responsibility, but people seem to forget that other people have choices and free will too. And often their choices negate yours. I chose Ron Paul for president. If it was all up to me, he would be, but the choices of many other people thwarted my choice.

Most emotionally balanced people know the difference, what they have control over, and what they don't, but there are some who go whole hog with the idea one way or the other. The problem is that the real story is rarely so extreme. They like to tell victims of abuse that they deserved and desired what happened to them, because it was their choice, and neglect the choices of the abuser to lie, weasel, and control. The irony is that the person blaming the victim is as hell bent on control as the abuser themselves.

When you marry an abuser, you are ordering the scrumptious plate on the menu, and served a rancid piece of meat that gives you food poisoning. When you make your order, you ask for the well pictured dish in the menu, and often the results are nothing like the picture. Yes, you make choices. But other people do too, and you are sometimes subject to other people's choices whether you want to be or not. Sometimes you aren't given a choice. You can choose what to do with what you are given, but sometimes those choices are limited.

There was a book, that someone used to hail, that said that people with Multiple Sclerosis got it because they are too stubborn. My aunt died of one of the worst cases of MS on record. She died a 70 lb skeleton, and was THEE most gullable person I knew. There was not a stubborn bone in her body, but if you had told her that, she would have blamed herself and thought it true. However, she and my uncle contracted MS, because it was in their genes, not because of a personality fault.

The problem is that this philosophy only works in hindsight. You can't say, "Oh you're stubborn, you're going to get MS," because it doesn't work that way, it's always backwards blaming. When it comes down to it, the healthiest people I've known have also been the ones with the least empathy, compassion, and humanity. They rarely get sick so have no tolerance or way to empathize with those who are. I've known some extremely healthy people who are very stubborn, and others if they had physical ailments for their personality faults would be constantly bleeding out both eyes.

This concept is called the "Just World Hypothesis" and actually is indicative of personality disorders. It's also the fast track to victim blame. It gives a person, an illusion of control that makes them feel safe, so long as bad things only happen to bad people. For them to hold this view, they hold themselves in higher esteem than others. They consider themselves better than others and thus invulnerable to such problems.  The moment that they think that possibly bad things could happen to good people, their world starts to fall apart and it's too scary for them to handle, so they impose this view and often blame victims for somehow deserving their fate.

"Just-World Hypothesis. The idea that people need to believe one will get what one deserves so strongly that they will rationalize an inexplicable injustice by naming things the victim might have done to deserve it. Also known as blaming the victim, the just-world fallacy, and the just-world effect." via Psych Central. More can be read on wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just-world_hypothesis

You are responsible for your choices, and other people are responsible for theirs. But the person who tries to make you feel responsible for someone else's choices is living in a shaky reality where horrible things only happen on TV. Don't let their need for control, their choice, control you. 

Leadership?

We are studying leadership at karate and it got me thinking about my past work experience and the differences I've witnessed. There are leaders and there are control freaks and they are not the same thing. Those who think they are leading are at times strangling the will from their team.

A control freak tries to do it all alone and can't let go. The moment they assign work to another, they micromanage and helicopter to exert control. 

A leader knows how to delegate and let go, because they know their people and their strengths well enough to trust them to do their job and do it right. 

A control freak manipulates and demands instead of being straight forward, which frustrates followers and disengages them from the goal which results in high turnover and a high stress environment. 

A leader encourages and creates an environment of initiative so that those who follow do more than expected because they are appreciated instead of subjugated. 

Control freaks have to be on top and wield authority to feel good about themselves. It's about the control freak's ego. They try to suck up as much credit as possible and diminish the contributions of others. 

A leader sees the group as their responsibility and won't ask someone to do something they aren't willing to do. To them it's about the goal, and if they aren't the best one to lead to that goal, leaders are willing to step back and let the more qualified lead. 

Leaders are positive sources of synergy, while control freaks are toxic in search of narcissistic supply. 

Often control freaks seek out positions of authority, thinking that they beyond a doubt are the best person for the job despite evidence to the contrary or without prior experience. 

Leaders are often sought to lead because of their skills not their desire to have power over others. People respond to them out of a desire of a shared vision.

The world needs more leaders of character and less personality cults in charge of family units, business, and politics. Too many people who are personally out of control of themselves and their lives, try to control the world and people around them, because it seems easier than controlling themselves. Instead of learning to deal with things, they limit the people around them, more and more.  But they are no better at controlling anything than they are with themselves. A person out of control of themselves can not hope to be a good leader of others. All they can bring is chaos, the same chaos that rules themselves.

You can't bypass a key component and expect good results...

So this has been weighing on my mind to be written, and usually when it does, it means that there's someone who needs to hear it. Throughout my life, I've encountered men who think that women are brood mares. They want the sex and the kids, and to skip loving the bearer of these burdens. They simply expect her to do it as her purpose. Let's get this straight, for a woman, that means sacrificing not only her time, but her body, and often a huge impact on every aspect of her life to become pregnant, give birth, and raise a child... and as almost happened to me, possibly end that life completely. My ex was probably the most extreme of this case. He called me "the dirt to plant his seed in". I was disposable, to be used and cast aside.

Honestly this is a very ancient mindset, where men told their wives to "lay back and think of England". It was simply a duty, a duty that they weren't allowed to enjoy. Even further back, the wedding ring was a symbol of the chain they would tie the woman to the tent with and wait for Stockholm syndrome to set in. So we've come a long way from being simply property to being treated like people for the most part. But there's an area where the barbarian still reigns.

However when it comes to biology and psychology, this is the worst approach for a man's end goal. Even if this is all the man really wants out of the relationship, if he wants children, then it is sincerely in his best interest to love the woman and to make sure she feels loved beyond just her wanting to have sex with someone because she loves him.

Oxytocin is an amazing hormone. It is called "the bonding hormone" and is often released after childbirth to encourage bonding between mother and child. But it is also released when hugging, kissing, and cuddling. It not only helps in bonding, but healing wounds, social anxiety, generosity, and stress relief. In addition, it helps with diet and weight loss. So if you are complaining about your wife gaining weight. There really is a simple solution to help her. Love her! http://io9.com/…/10-reasons-why-oxytocin-is-the-most-amazin…

In addition, I was watching a documentary on the science of sexual attraction, and it was telling how if a woman has sex with 2 men and one she loves and the other she doesn't, that her body will fight off the sperm from the one she doesn't love. So if she loves you, she's more likely to have your child... and well, less likely to cheat.

The most compelling evidence though came when I was researching something pertinent to my own life. In my previous marriage to the psychopath, before he kidnapped and raped me repeatedly when I tried to leave, I'd been with him for almost a year, and for months was forced to have sex whether I wanted to or not. Sometimes I was fast asleep when he'd roll me over and have his way with me after looking at porn. Not to mention often being forced to do things I'd specifically stated I did not like. I did my "duty" but it's effects were damaging me long before the coup de grace...

Marital rape has certain consequences and one of those is that any children procreated this way, the woman tends to be less involved with and more or less indifferent towards. Men who are indifferent about the woman having their children, can at times also believe that they are not the ones responsible for their care, but they've also shot themselves in the foot. There's no healthy result for this kind of environment. This does not lead to the envisioned family the man thought he was making.

Even if marital rape is not involved, people break in very specific and predictable ways. A woman devoid of her emotional needs will seek elsewhere to have those filled. Some may stray and cheat. Others may lean on their kids to get that love out of them. When this is pervasive and the parent (this can go for both sexes) is over-involved with their child, it is referred to as "emotional incest" and creates children who are Brat Princes or Princesses, confused about their place in the family. This super-mom or spoiler is also not good for a child. It upsets the balance that produces healthy, happy children.

GIGO is a term often used in computers that means "Garbage In, Garbage Out". Put simply it means, you get out of something what you put into it. And if you treat your woman like garbage, then you can't expect to get a happy family out of her. It baffles me how people who are adept at GIGO in their jobs, don't seem to get it in their families. Often they expect to be the one getting instead of giving, but if you are into the idea that as the man, you are the head of the family, then you are also the one that is the most responsible for it. If you really want a solid family, you cannot skip the step of loving your wife, specifically in a way that makes her feel loved, not just the way you want to love her.

This all seems like basic common sense, but I have been surrounded by men all my life who think that their place is to be served, when actually they should be serving. And as they serve more, they will see a return on their service, in the ways they wanted to receive all along.

Love really is the answer. Not jealous possession, not obsession, not the other things that pass for it, but actually real Love. Let that be your agenda, and all the other things you want, will come.

Hope

Hope. It's a word filled with warmth, the warmth of the first rays of sunshine that whisper that today is a new day. It's a short word with a lot of gravity. Hope is the carrot that keeps us moving forward on a daily basis. But to the abused it's the shovel digging the hole we are stuck within.

"Today he was nice to me. Maybe he's changing? Maybe he'll once again be the man I fell in love with?"

Every little glimmer of hope is treasured like a drop of water in a desert. It keeps us staying in situations that we should probably change.

"Maybe this year I'll get that raise and be able to pay off those credit cards."

Hope ties us to people and situations with tiny improvements that keep us from seeking out something that is ten times better from the start. It wastes years of our lives on people that don't appreciate us or even like us, and if we are honest, we don't like who they've become and are still waiting for that first person, the part they played to reemerge. It keeps us in jobs that don't use our skills. We spend our lives hoping and waiting for days to come when we can finally do what we really want to do, and embrace something with purpose and substance.

I think there's a reason behind the quote "faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love." Because without love, the other 2 are empty and entrenching. You can have all the faith in the world, all the hope for a better life, but if there isn't love, you're stuck. And not some ancient impression of love, the first flutters of infatuation, but real enduring love. Like loving a job because it makes an impact, it fills your life with so much meaning that you work extra not because you have to, but because you want to and you don't even notice the extra effort. Or love in a relationship where you are an active team supporting each other to be the best you can be, where every joy is doubled and every sorrow halved just because they are there.

We spend a lot of time waiting and hoping for love like that. Perhaps we are actually loving that way, but without a proper receptor it doesn't stick and is just sucked into a void. You find yourself more alone with someone than being actually alone.

Hope is a double edged sword. It's an investment in someone, or some part of your life to spend your energy trying to achieve something, but there will always be good investments and bad investments. Some people are money pits that you can dump all the hope, faith, and love you have into, and they will never show a return. Some will return your investment 10 fold. Some are inert walls that you will just end up beating your head against. And some will steal all you have and leave you empty.

Life is a gamble and it's that hope of hitting the jackpot that keeps us feeding quarters and pulling the lever, when our energies would be better applied elsewhere. Sometimes you just have to take what little winnings you have and walk away. Leave hope at the bar, and start looking at things as they are.