Sharing "Red Flags" by Meredith Gold

RED FLAGS

How to Recognize the warning signs of an Abusive Partner

This article was found in "Self Defense for Women" Magazine August 2002 written by Meredith Gold

Abuse in a relationship can take many forms. In general, physical battery is what most people would consider abuse. The damage is often visible and the scars are a tangible reminder of what many women have lived through, but psychological and emotional abuse have remained more vague. Historically, there has been confusion about whether controlling, threatening or demeaning a woman daily should even be considered "real" abuse. For too many women throughout the ages, that treatment was simply their lot in life. Thankfully, times are changing and many women are ready to reclaim their lives. So the question is: If your partner is not physically beating you, where is the dividing line between what is acceptable and what is abuse? The answer is surprisingly simple for some of us and as daunting as climbing Mt. Everest for others, because the line is where you draw it. Each of us has to decide what we deserve, what we are willing to endure and when we've had enough. But how does the abuse even start? How can a seemingly wonderful relationship deteriorate into an abusive nightmare? Is it possible that there were warning signs that the victim failed to see? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. In virtually all cases, when a survivor reflects on her situation, she recognizes that there were definite red flags warning that she was in danger. Of course, abusers don't advertise the terrible treatment that awaits the unfortunate women who get involved with them. The beginning is usually pretty dreamy with everyone on their best behavior, but people tend to show their true colors fairly soon. It's important that we pay attention to what is really happening in our relationship rather than focus on what we want to happen. If something feels wrong, it probably is wrong. We need to trust our instincts, which we have for a reason. Every person's story has its own twists and turns but, by and large, most abusers share at least a few of these traits: They were raised in a physically violent or verbally abusive household. They may have a history of alcohol and/or drug abuse. They often suffer from low self-esteem and lack of personal power. They have a short fuse and overreact to small problems and frustrations. They often use intimidation, force and violence to resolve issues in their lives. And abuser's partner will probably not become aware of these traits until she has spent some time with him, but once the "honeymoon" phase is over and he gets comfortable and bold, she will see with whom she is really dealing. No relationship is perfect and sometimes people get angry and lash out or misdirect their frustration at their partner. It does not always indicate dangerously abusive behavior. Chances are, we have all been in situations where we pushed each other's buttons, resulting in raised voices, inappropriate anger and finger-pointing from both sides. Even though these situations are painful and unpleasant, it's important to recognize the difference between the occasional misunderstanding and habitual mental or physical abuse to prevent mistaking one for the other. However, if anything you've read in this article sounds like something you have experienced in your relationship, it is crucial that you get help. If you have ever experienced physical violence while with him, then you must leave. Abuse does not go away and it does not get better. It only gets worse. The way to prevent or stop it is by removing yourself from the relationship. There are crisis centers and support groups in virtually every state. If you need help, just look in your local phone book or get your computer and type "DOMESTIC ABUSE" + (Your state name) into any search engine. If you are ready, there is help out there. It is up to each of us to change our lives. The first step is the most important, and often the most difficult. Meredith Gold teaches adrenal-stress-based self-defense in Los Angeles. She is the director of female instructor training for Rocky Mountain Combat Applications Training. To contact her, send email to mere97@earthlink.net There are probably as many variations as there are abusers, but the following behaviors are some classic warning signs of an abusive personality. Control He wants you to spend all of your free time with him. He dictates what clothing you should or shouldn't wear. He criticizes your choices and decisions. He decides who you can socialize with and insists you check in with him regularly. He tells you that no one loves you as much as he does and you are nothing without him. He isolates you from friends and family. He gains control of your finances. He limitis time you spend outside the relationship. He insists you do not wear clothing or make-up that will attract attention. He becomes angry if you have contact with anyone he perceives to be a threat - especially other men. He discourages or forbids you from spending time with friends and family members for fear they might encourage you to leave the relationship. He creates drama to garner sympathy and make himself look like the victim. Unpredictability He is kind and loving one day (or moment) and then moody, frightening or violent the next. He constantly changes the rules so you are always wrong. Hurtful behavior is followed by flowers, apologies, and promises that he never keeps. His mixed messages keep you confused and questioning your own judgement. Verbal Destructiveness He wipes out your self-esteem by saying you're stupid, fat, lazy, ugly, etc. - both privately and publicly. He yells and admonishes you as though you were a child. He dismisses your opinion, saying you don't know what you are talking about. He tells you that no one else will ever love you or want you the way he does. He says he is sorry for scaring or hurting you, but blames your behavior for making him go crazy. He threatens to commit suicide if you leave him. Inappropriate Physicality He uses invasive, threatening body language to frighten and intimidate you. He pushes, grabs or shakes you. He punches, slaps, or kicks you. He forces unwanted sexual interaction Are You... afraid to speak up or contradict your partner? being publicly humiliated by your partner? second-guessing your own decisions because of your partner's negative feedback? keeping secrets because it's easier than making your partner angry? being physically threatened by your partner? the victim of even one incident of physical harm by your partner? making excuses for your partner's erratic or violent behavior? telling yourself he "really didn't mean it" or "this is the last time he will hurt/humiliate me?" feeling that somehow the situation is your fault and things will get better if you change your behavior? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you are experiencing some form of abuse and should seek the help of a qualified professional. - M.G.