Co-Habits: Co-Narcissism and Codependence

In the last post the topic was on pride and narcissism.  Often attracted to the narcissist is the codependent, but there is also a form of internalized narcissism called co-narcissism or a covert narcissist.

The codependent was first defined when dealing with addiction.  Often the addict, usually alcoholic was in the company of a codependent who enabled them.  Codependency is a form of a twisted Golden Rule. They do unto others and expect to have that done to them.  They ignore the thinking of how the other person wishes to be treated, and instead project onto them their own wishes and the way they wish to be treated.  In this way a codependent thinks they not only know best, but are bound to alienate those around them due to their rigid lack of abstract thought.

Co-Narcissism

A co-dependent who emotionally depends exclusively on classic narcissists is sometimes referred to as a covert narcissist (Elan Golomb and Alexander Lowen) or co-narcissist (Alan Rappoport) or inverted narcissist (Sam Vaknin).

Defenses such as narcissism are developed to compensate for the intolerable and gradual realisation that adults are merely human: capricious, unfair, unpredictable, non-dependable. Defenses provide both satisfaction and a sense of security.

The child's feelings towards its parents are reactions to their responses (affirmation, buffering, modulation or disapproval, punishment, even abuse). Their responses help maintain the child's self-structures. Without the appropriate responses, grandiosity, for instance, cannot be transformed into adult ambitions and ideals.

Children entertain notions of greatness (primitive or naïve grandiosity) mingled with magical thinking, feelings of omnipotence and omniscience and a belief in their immunity to the consequences of their actions. These elements and the child's feelings regarding its parents (which are also painted by it with a brush of omnipotence and grandiosity) — coalesce and form these constructs.

Early childhood abuse and traumas trigger coping strategies and defense mechanisms, including narcissism. One of the coping strategies is to withdraw inwards, to seek gratification from a secure, reliable and permanently-available source: from one's self. The child, fearful of further rejection and abuse, refrains from further interaction and resorts to grandiose fantasies of being loved and self-sufficient. Repeated hurt may lead to the development of a narcissistic personality.

Codependence can also be a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, a family members' chronic illness, or forces external to the family, such as poverty.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. The codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires, they set themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Symptoms of codependence are: controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, intimacy problems, caretaking behavior, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of extreme frustration or sadness over his or her inability to make changes in the other person's (or persons') life.