Pride and the Narcissist

Supposedly pride is at the root of all sin, or at least the worst of the 7 deadly sins.  This can be applied to emotional abuse as well.  According to Wikipedia: 

Violent criminals often describe themselves as superior to others - as special, elite persons who deserve preferential treatment. Many murders and assaults are committed in response to blows to self-esteem such as insults and humiliation. (To be sure, some perpetrators live in settings where insults threaten more than their opinions of themselves. Esteem and respect are linked to status in the social hierarchy, and to put someone down can have tangible and even life-threatening consequences.)

The same conclusion has emerged from studies of other categories of violent people. Street-gang members have been reported to hold favourable opinions of themselves and to turn violent when these estimations are shaken. Playground bullies regard themselves as superior to other children; low self-esteem is found among the victims of bullies, but not among bullies themselves. Violent groups generally have overt belief systems that emphasise their superiority over others.

Also it can be seen in psychological experiments such as the Milgram Experiment.  In an effort to uncover how such horrors as the holocaust could happen.  After the participants of the experiment were convinced that they had hurt the test subject/actor, they often viewed the subject as less attractive, intelligent, or in other words less valuable than before the experiment.  Although the actual experiment was on obedience, it gave a glimpse into the Just World Phenomenon that basically says that "bad things only happen to bad people"and often leads to Victim Blame.  All of these basically go to show that a sense of superiority can lead to the dehumanization of an individual.  At that point the abuser feels justified in the devaluation of that individual and soothes their conscience.

The most predominant example of this leading to an abusive personality is through Narcissism.  Beverly Engel describes the Narcissist in her book "The Emotionally Abused Woman" as follows.

The Narcissist

Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, recurrent fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love; a craving for constant attention and admiration; and feelings of rage, humiliation or haughty indifference when criticized or defeated. In addition, narcissists have at least two of the following characteristics: a sense of entitlement (that is, they view themselves as desirable, talented, and special and thus entitled special recognition and unconditional acceptance); exploitive (the tendency to take advantage of others and to disregard their rights); oscillation between extreme over-idealization and devaluation of others; and lack of empathy (meaning not just an inability to recognize how others feel but often also the inability to recognize that others have feelings at all).

Even though narcissists are often arrogant and vain and seem to feel superior to others, they in fact have very low self-esteem. They find it hard to accept constructive feedback of any kind or to go beyond superficial relationships.

More information on Narcissism as follows from Wikipedia and Bruce Gregory Ph. D

Narcissism
The narcissist prefers fantasy to reality, grandiose self-conception to realistic appraisal. The child, fearful of further rejection and abuse, refrains from further interaction and resorts to grandiose fantasies of being loved and self-sufficient.

Narcissistic personality disorder itself is defined by the DSM as being characterized by an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), the need for excessive admiration or adulation, and a distinct lack of empathy, all present in a variety of possible contexts.

The Narcissist fails to regard other people, situations, or entities (political parties, countries, races, his workplace) as a compound of good and bad elements. He either idealizes his object, or devalues it. Things are seen in black and white; the object is either all good or all bad. The bad attributes are always projected, displaced, or otherwise externalized. The good ones are internalized in order to support the inflated (grandiose) self-concepts of the narcissist and his grandiose fantasies, as well as to avoid the pain of deflation and disillusionment.

Primary Narcissism, in psychology is a defense mechanism, common in the formative years (6 months to 6 years old). It is intended to shield the infant and toddler from the inevitable hurt and fears involved in the individuation-separation phase of personal development.

Secondary or pathological narcissism is a pattern of thinking and behaving in adolescence and adulthood, which involves infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of others. It manifests in the chronic pursuit of personal gratification and attention (narcissistic supply), in social dominance and personal ambition, bragging, insensitivity to others, lack of empathy and/or excessive dependence on others to meet his/her responsibilities in daily living and thinking. Pathological narcissism is at the core of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Research shows that most narcissists are born into dysfunctional families. Such families are characterized by massive denials, both internal ("you do not have a real problem, you are only pretending") and external ("you must never tell the secrets of the family to anyone"). Abuse in all forms is not uncommon in such families. These families may encourage excellence, but only as means to a narcissistic end. The parents are usually themselves needy, emotionally immature, and narcissistic and thus unable to recognize or respect the child's emerging boundaries and emotional needs. This often leads to defective or partial socialisation and to problems with sexual identity.

SKILLS FOR DEALING WITH NARCISSISM - Bruce Gregory, Ph.D.

The narcissist doesn't want you to be in control of your feelings or emotions. He wants control of them, to put you off guard, feeling chaos, despair and need. We end up angry, depressed and sometimes suicidal.

Often when leaving the company of a narcissist one feels very tired and worn out. You feel as if you have been holding a castle gate alone against the onslaught of hordes that want pillage and destroy, and in essence that is a good analogy. 

Fight or Flight

Your body is in the fight or flight mode and you feel the physicality of your stress. Cortisol and adrenaline, the stress hormones, are flowing through your body causing your heart to race and your breathing to become shallow. (Deep breathing really does help switch from the panic mode to a calmer mode, done deeply enough which means your belly expands as a baby's does when breathing, then completely emptying the lungs switches you over to the calming side of your nervous system, away from the fight or flight.

Most people feel victimized by narcissistic forces and narcissists. This is because they have felt consistently oppressed, suppressed, or frustrated by narcissistic forces This becomes problematic in terms of achieving sustainability. When one is in a "victim state," one sees the oppressor as the enemy, as the one with the power, and as a result, the victim is easily manipulated into frustration and anger. The narcissist will utilize this dynamic to incite people into emotional states which can be exploited into distractions from the core issues.

Skills for dealing with attempts to intimidate can be divided into two areas, intrapersonal and interpersonal. Intrapersonally, it is essential not to react. This means that reactions of fear, impatience, or anger are not practical. In their place should be patience and curiosity. On an interpersonal level, responses and questions like, "that's interesting; could you explain that?; or, "I am not clear about that; would you please clarify (or elaborate)?; or, "it seems like there is a contradiction in your logic." All of these can generate positive results in terms of reducing the control of the narcissistic forces. This is done through the non-reaction, which communicates,"you are not so powerful that you can manipulate me, or us, and distract us from the issue. It is also done through the questions which communicate, "I/we are not afraid of you; we are not leaving the space/situation to your control alone; we will challenge you if necessary; you cannot win through intimidation or disinformation."

Excellent individual emotional boundaries are so critical for dealing with narcissism. These emotional boundaries prevent the force of the narcissism emotions from throwing an individual off balance. The emotional boundaries are also helpful in not taking the narcissism's actions or positions personally.

The narcissist, consumed and driven by the grandiosity, feels responsible for everything; therefore, all failures, frustrations, and disappointments are its fault, and are directed personally at it. In interacting with narcissism, one does not want to fall into the narcissist's world and take what is going on personally. Narcissism's actions are indiscriminate. They are directed toward any object, person or group that threatens its control, domination, and grandiosity. An excellent emotional boundary system does not allow the force of another person's emotions to penetrate one's own personal space.