Information is Power

The first step to fighting any enemy, is to understand how they work, and to recognize them so you do not get caught unawares. Sometimes that enemy is yourself. Sometimes that enemy is someone you love dearly. Regardless they become an enemy because you are in a struggle with them. Emotional abuse and destructive habits hurt the abuser and those they chose to lash out against in their own pain. But any psychologist well tell you, there is only one person, you can change, and that's yourself. Ultimately it is up to the person with the bad behaviors to CHOOSE to improve, to not give into the impulses that are ruining their lives and those around them. And the best way to combat any enemy is through knowledge.

I encourage you to learn this information and learn to recognize the behaviors in others and yourself. Many people do not see them as wrong or bad (unless it is physical), but the negative impact on those around them, reveals the destructiveness of their behavior. Sometimes these learned behaviors are just what the person grew up with and therefore recognizes as "normal", but after a lifetime of broken hearts and damaged relationships it becomes obvious that what they are doing is not working. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Once the cycle proves to be futile, one must choose to break it, to reach for new healthier habits, which takes a heavy dose of humility and honesty with ones' self. The good thing about learned behaviors is that they can be unlearned - if the person chooses to work hard to change. Only that person can change themselves.

If you are in the company of an emotional abuser, you must accept that you can not change them, but you can change your response to them. You can establish boundaries and choose where to invest your energy. At times they are like drowning people who are reaching and grasping for anything. Their behaviors are not out of malice, but desperation for anything to cling onto; however, if you are not careful, they can pull you down with them.

Remember that we are talking about behaviors. This is not a character judgement on the person who has these behaviors. A good person can make bad choices. You have to accept the destructive quality of these behaviors regardless of the intent of the one performing them. Behaviors can be learned and unlearned, but as long as the negative ones continue to work for someone (get them what they want i.e. control, a feeling of security, a feeling of superiority, etc.), there is no reason for them to change. The best thing that you can do in the face of these abusive techniques is to stand by your boundaries (say NO and do not sacrifice for them), clearly state your limits, establish expectations, establish boundaries, and do not tolerate the violation of them. This is not being mean. Letting people run over you is not being nice. It does them no good, and you neither. It only sends them a signal of acceptance and permission which in the end enables the bad behavior. Then you will both be caught in a downward spiral that will suck down both of you.

Many emotional abusers have no idea what they are doing is wrong. If told what they are doing is wrong or abusive, they will often become offended, because it seems perfectly acceptable or justified to them. They may be acting out what they experienced in their own home. They may be acting on their own feelings of insecurity or emotional immaturity (a major cause of abusive behavior). In extreme cases they may actually have no sense of guilt ... and any expression of contrition is more about being caught and avoiding being held responsible. With these individuals (psychopaths/sociopaths) the feelings, boundaries, and rights of others in no way check their behavior, due to a prevailing lack of empathy.

Everyone gets their buttons pushed, and occasionally says things that they don't mean. People get in shouting matches when stress has pushed them to their limits. This is normal. Emotional abuse is NOT, it is a constant state.
It may not be intended to destroy those around them, but it is intended to control them. It systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in perceptions, and self-concept like a form of brainwashing. It achieves this through verbal abuse and constant criticism or more subtle tactics such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. Sometimes it is used as a form of "guidance" or "teaching". Abusers can be Lovers, Bosses, Coworkers, Parents, Siblings, and Friends! Whatever relationship you are engaged in with an abuser, it will be a source of stress for you.

When I say "these behaviors" there is a list of techniques that most abusers use. Rarely do they know that this is what they are doing, but most abusers and abusive personalities employ the same methods to get their desired results. Here is a list of the most common forms of emotional abuse.

Domination 
Someone employing domination techniques must have it their way, must be in control or on top, always right, must be alpha or in charge, and in general they must WIN!

Verbal Assaults 
Someone employing verbal assaults uses words like ammunition berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, abusive sarcasm, humiliation, tearing you down, and tell you that everything is your fault and never theirs.

Abusive Expectations 
Someone using Abusive Expectations sets the bar so high that no one can reach it.  This allows them to continually look down upon the one who can not possibly reach this unattainable goal, and limits your ability to spend time or energy except in service to them.  This can be seen in unreasonable demands, insistance that you put aside your needs for theirs, need for undivided attention, sexually demanding, nothing is ever enough, never pleased, never satisfied, you can always do better even when you can't, they make you feel that there is always something more you could have done, constant criticism for not fulfilling their needs or making you feel that you are not doing it as well as they would have done.

Emotional Blackmail 
Emotional Blackmail is the conscious or unconscious coersion into doing what the abuser wants by playing on someone's fear, guilt, religion, or compassion.  You are made to feel guilty for thinking of your own needs. They exploit your sympathy or use "secrets" to keep you quiet.  If they don't get what they want, they threaten to leave, or they distance themselves until you give into their demands.  Employers may threaten to fire you if you don't do what they say.  In general they use fear tactics to control you.  This makes them your own emotional terrorist that will do something horrible if you don't do exactly as they say.

Unpredictable Responses 

These responses are often unwarranted or without any foreseeable source.  It includes drastic mood swings and sudden emotional outbursts for no apparent / logical reason.  Also someone like this may give inconsistent responses.  Their reactions will make you constantly on edge and afraid how they might respond to the smallest thing.  It makes someone feel as if they are walking on eggshells in their presence since one never knows what will set them off.  Another indicator is that the abuser changes personalities when drunk.

Constant Criticism 

This emotional abuser is unrelentingly critical, always finds fault, and never pleased.

Character Assassination 

Character Assassination is just that.  This abuser attempts destroy your public image and turn people against you.  They constantly blow your mistakes out of proportion, gossiping about your past failures or mistakes.  Often they will concoct lies about you to turn away public approval or destroy the victim's support group.  These are the people who will harm you and then justify it to others, convincing them that you deserve bad treatment.  In public they will humiliate, criticize, or makes fun of you in front of others.  If there is something of which you are proud or successful, they will discount your achievements and minimize any complaint you may have, laughing it off.   This person will relentlessly try to ruin your personal or professional reputation.  In this way they can still exercise control over you if you decided to leave their abuse.  While still in their circle influence, they will do this to ensure no one will support you leaving.

Gaslighting 

The term Gaslighting came from the plot of an old black and white movie where they would turn down the lights and then when the person perceived it, make them think it was all in their head.  Someone using gaslighting techniques makes the victim doubt their perceptions, memory, and sanity through the denial of certain events.  They attempt to rewrite history and insist on their version of reality.  An example might be by saying that something was said and that you both know was said but in reality it wasn't. Also a gaslighter may insinuate that you are exaggerating or lying to gain control or to avoid responsibility for their actions.

Constant Chaos 

Identifying this can be seen through the continuous cycles of drama.  If things get too quiet, they will stir things up through continuous upheavals and discord.  This persons starts arguments and conflicts over minutia.  These people are addicted to drama, crisis-oriented, disruptive and negative.  Often they even present themselves as the victim, so as to gain influence.

Sexual Harassment 

These are specifically unwelcomed sexual advances and unwelcomed physical or verbal conduct of a sexual nature.  These abusers may say things like "if you love me, you will"  or  "your lips say no, but your body says yes".

If you have been in a relationship that fits any one of these bad behaviors, then you have probably experienced the pain of caring for someone and watching them destroy themselves and others. These are very common things in our society, unfortunately.

If the knowledge of these things becomes known, it is easier to combat within ourselves and within our relationships. Perhaps you have been in an unhappy relationship, and did not know why because there was no term for what was wrong. They probably asked what they did wrong, and you may not have had a solid answer, but with the right information, we can all work within ourselves to have healthy relationships. By doing so, we can lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. This information is to help transform your mind, to teach you how to think and perceive behaviors. One must understand the problem in order to find a solution.

Much of the information I have gathered here comes from "The Emotionally Abused Woman" by Beverly Engel.