Entangled Child-Tyrants

Simon Helberg portraying Howard Wolowitz

If you've watched The Big Bang Theory, then you probably know the character Howard Wolowitz.  He's your typical basement dwelling geek that lives with his mother and can't quite seem to cut the umbilical cord.  It's funny to watch, and laugh at his mother's guilt tripping, and her emotionally leaning on her son and manipulating him. It makes for great comedy and entertainment, but we can see in the situational comedy that there's something not quite right about the relationship. He's too in love with his mother.

In the show, Howard's father abandoned the family, and Howard felt like he was all that his mom had left.  In a way he took on his father's role, emotionally.  Although Howard and his mother have never had intercourse, the emotional attachment is in ways that should be between spouses and not a parent child relationship.  This is why it is often referred to as emotional incest or covert incest (sometimes referred to as entangled), which of course there are degrees of severity and impact that emotional incest can have on the child. We can see that expressed through Howard's difficulty bonding with his wife-to-be that it can have long term effects on relationships.

"Covert incest occurs when a parent is unable or unwilling to maintain a relationship with another adult and forces the emotional role of a spouse onto their child instead."-Wikipedia

By forcing the child into this role, something they are not mature enough to truly grasp, the result can be a Man-Child scenario, but emotional incest can happen between either parent with either sex of a child.  The parent substitutes their spousal relationship with that of the child.  When you see a daddy's girl or a mama's boy, it doesn't seem destructive, only excessive, but the weight of a mature relationship on a child unable to meet those demands, can damage self esteem, and make them feel helpless.  They are not going through the normal processes of growth and maturity, allowed to develop naturally, but having the weight of their parents' displaced love.

"Asking a child to play the role of an adult and it is a heavy burden for most children. In many cases, the troubles shared with children (who don't have the coping skills or life experience to know how to deal with them) leave the child feeling hopeless and helpless. Rather than augmenting a child's self-esteem, the constant feeling of futility can lead to lower self worth.

It's not only parents imposing this role on their children. Some children see what is needed (or at least what they think is needed) and offer to fill the spot. For every story I hear about a parent leaning too heavily on a child, I hear about a child who wants to be seen as "the man of the house now," or "dad's caretaker." - Psychology Today

Although emotional incest is primarily found in families who have lost a mother or father through death or divorce, it can happen in couples that are still together. This occurs when one of the spouses is emotionally unavailable, or they learned it from their parents, carrying on what they learned by not even seeking to bond with their spouse as much as their child out of their own immaturity and inability to share in an adult relationship. In the absence of emotional needs being met, some seek exterior relationships, but in others, trying to maintain the family or keep to religious principles, often lean on the interior of the family, the child.

The "Super-mom" is often the perpetrator of entanglement.  When pregnant, she receives ample attention, attention that shifts to the child after birth.  In order to retain that attention she tries to be a super mom, beyond the call of duty, excessive in her grooming of her special boy.  What looks relatively harmless, and like the mother is focusing fully and completely on the child in a "saintly" way, is not as altruistic as it may appear putting undue pressure on the child to be "special".  This is the beginnings of the man-child syndrome where they take on adult expectations before learning to cope with those of a child.  The Super-Mom is all engrossing, and not conscious of enmeshing or entangling her child, because after all, she just wants what's best for him.  It might seem right to her, but the energy that should have been going into her marriage, into an intimate relationship with a spouse is all channeled into her child. This is generally because her relationship with the father is lacking or absent emotionally, or she has already grown exhausted from trying to connect with someone emotionally unavailable or incapable.  In the void of that healthy spousal support, the child becomes the pure focus.

"If a lonely Mother sees her son as special, Mother can renew her sense of life. Mother rewards Son for his specialness, and Son rewards Mother by becoming special. Instead of enjoying childhood, Son may develop adult interests and obsessions; perhaps fulfilling an immature Father’s fantasies of "My Son is my rival". A Son striving to fulfill Mother's wishes may become Mother's emotional partner." - The Little Prince

The best defense against something of this nature is a good spousal relationship.  It is the center of the family, and should be a priority. Children learn what is "normal" by watching the parental dynamic, and unless that is healthy, unhealthy reactions will happen to the most loved child.  They learn more from what you do and are, than what you say... so be healthy.

"Children suffer if parents avoid parental responsibilities, and the consequences may be severe. Children who are entangled with their parents often show codependence and obsessions throughout their lives. As adults, they often enmesh their own children" - The Little Prince

Cross-generational entanglements are common, especially if one or both parents:

• were missing, dysfunctional or dead 
• were irresponsible, childish or could not provide mature guidance 
• were addicted, obsessed, brain damaged or insane 
• were victimized, displaced or controlled by other family members 
• continually used substitutes for parenting (e.g. television, babysitters, etc) 

These signs of mother-bonded men warn of suffering for women involved with them.

• obsesses about his mother? 
• forever tries to appear special? 
• cannot maintain a mature partnership? 
• acts like a child ... or like a tyrant ... or both? 
• is narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves? 
• does not care if he damages other people's relationships? 

The Following is from an article on Emotional Incest that can be found here.

There’s the Daddy’s Little Princess effect:

Consider a simple family of Father, Mother and Daughter. It is right and wonderful that parents love their Daughter – as a daughter. If a parent needs a substitute for a partner, chaos and suffering soon follow.

If Father loves his daughter as a substitute for loving a partner, few daughters can resist his love. If Daughter feels that Mother does not appreciate Father, Daughter may try to love Father in the way that Mother seems to withhold. Mother may feel that Father and Daughter betrayed her; and withdraw.

Father’s marriage to Mother may be the first sacrifice. An entangled Daughter may ignore potential partners – except substitutes for Father. The family may not confront this issue unless Daughter becomes depressed or suicidal.

And there’s the Mommy’s Little Prince effect:

Our story begins with a pregnant mother. While pregnant, Mother likely enjoyed her femininity and the attention of her family. When Baby is born, attention often shifts from Mother to Baby. Mother may feel abandoned, perhaps showing postpartum depression. Many mothers regain family attention, approval and respect, by becoming a Super-Mom.

The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, particularly if he depends upon his wife to provide meaning for his life. He may feel that a a boy baby is a rival. He may withdraw from his wife’s requests for intimacy, support or responsibility. He may become depressed and/or have intimate affairs.

A Super-Mom sees her Son as special. Mother may dream that Son will make a special contribution to the world that Mother cannot or will not make. Mother’s expectations help balance her emptiness. For Mother to feel special, Son has to be very special – or risk losing Mother’s love.