Alien News: Monks have Known about Global Warming for Centuries...

Devonshire, England

Devonshire, home and namesake to the sinfully delicious Devonshire Cream, may also be home to the discovery of Global Warming.

Contrary to popular belief, global warming is apparently not a byproduct of the industrial age, with the discovery of documents long locked away in the Vatican vaults. While researching through the Vatican Library, Cornelius Nicolai stumbled across documentation from past Popes that led him to rediscover what had been apparently common knowledge to the Vatican for centuries.

Discovered December 5, 665 by Franciscan monk Brother Zachariah Callisto, global warming has been a phenomenon known primarily to the Catholic church until it was leaked to the public in the late 20th Century. With the approach of the ominous year 666, Zachariah Callisto encountered a satanic cult trying to unleash demons upon the earth and bring about the apocalypse. Although himself and the other monks of the order stopped and slew a majority of participants, a gate to hell had been opened long enough to release a tremendous amount of heat into the atmosphere.

In brother Callisto's recording of the incident, "It was as though I could hear the voice of God sounding down from heaven, speaking to me as my father had when I was a boy. 'Don't leave the door open, what are you trying to do, heat the whole world?' Who would have thought that such a thing was possibly? The following weeks were marked with warmer weather and a for a few days it rained instead of the normal winter snow. It was then that the brothers and myself knew that we would have to do something about this and sent word to the bishop."

The report of the events traveled back to the Pope, which created a heightened awareness within the church and a crackdown on those practicing witchcraft. Although the church had always maintained a stance against the use of witchcraft, it had been previously thought to be limited to herbal home remedies and relatively harmless charms. The thought of such practices having global effects, much less increase the already overpopulated demon community, was terrifying.

Later, after a particularly warm winter that had resulted in an excessive number of insects the following year, and record summer highs, it became apparent to the Vatican that the number of portals being opened to hell was increasing. In response, the inquisition was started to try to combat the problem, but due to bad administration, ultimately failed. Still they continued witch burnings and demon hunting to try to compensate.

During the 19th century witch burnings were phased out due to a significant decrease in reliable accusations. However, demon hunting is still in practice today, on a lesser scale, despite an increase in occult activity brought on by the internet and a decline in family values. Demon hunter, Joseph Ash says that he is keenly aware of the "I hate my daddy, so I'll call a demon" psychology that so often ends in tears.

In recent decades, global warming has come to the forefront of the media. Raising it as a banner of righteousness, it has been seized by environmentalists, for their own purposes to divert from the real cause. This can be termed propaganda, which as any educated alien knows the source of the word "Pro Pagan Da". It's origin is Russian, accounting for the Da on the end, which is a common form of yes, ultimately meaning, "yes, we are for pagans".

As many of the most influential environmentalists are pagan sympathizers, they have diverted public attention from the actions of some of their more extremist members and blame shifted the source of global warming to achieve a more personal agenda. Since many environmentalists are lacking in hygiene and cosmetic care, they have targeted such products as makeup, hairspray, and spray deodorant, hoping that by discouraging their use they may produce a guilt forced assimilation. Their ultimate goal is to become more popular and accepted by the general population that marginalizes them.

While pinning the blame on a beauty that they feel they cannot attain, they try to protect trees, while some species, especially sweet-gum, actually produce more pollution than a smokestack. These trees are anything but "sweet", and have been plotting for hundreds of years against humans. The sweet-gum ball, designed to attack barefoot humans, is just the first in their dastardly schemes.

The most interesting aspect is that although the Vatican has been tracking global warming for centuries, it has recorded no severe increase in recent years. Joseph Ash says that it is because the environmentalists are running out of money and need to scare up some funds. According to him and other Vatican sources, the best solution to combat global warming would be to avoid all ouija boards and situations that might unleash evil into the atmosphere that feeds on souls as well as ozone. In the words of Joseph Ash, "It's not just to stop global warming, it's just a good rule of thumb to avoid evil... and never trust a sweet-gum tree." - Zaral