Alien News: Large Cities and Speeding

Atlanta, Georgia - After years of accidents and speeding tickets, Atlantans may finally understand why.

Doctor Cameron Black of the Alien Relations Department of Georgia Technical College has been studying the phenomenon of Atlanta speeders for many years. By studying not only Atlanta but the outlying areas around the city, he has finally announced his conclusion, as of today at 10:00 am.

Atlanta is a thriving city that has continued to spread, encompassing DeKalb, Gwinnett, and other outer regions. As it does so, it has continued to increase its mass by bringing in materials from other areas.

Dr. Cameron Black concludes, "The physics that we see at work in Atlanta, are the same that we often see in space: the larger the mass, the more gravitational pull. The same thing is at work in cities with significant increases to its mass with greater population and construction. In the same way that the moon is attracted in an orbit around the earth, cars are drawn to the city. As they near the city of Atlanta, they pick up speed, and as they pull away from the city in an arc, they sling shot past, slowing as they reach the outside of the city limits and the city's gravitational pull."

In order to slow down this phenomenon, the Georgia Department of Transportation has worked hard to put as many obstructions in the way of would-be speeders, by doing as much meaningless construction as possible. GA DOT director, Jacob Nix, is quoted, "Georgia's roads are fine. Every now and then, if we expect heavy holiday traffic, or public events, we simply pick pick a random piece of road and tear it up. It makes us look like we know what we are doing and makes people continue to fund us. We especially like to do it during the summer time and the beginning of the Georgia Renaissance Festival when we know there will be a lot of people on the road. That's why speeding fines increase in those areas, since we are there to stop speeders and slow things down."

If this method does not work or they need a "quick fix" they have planned accidents on a weekly basis to ensure crawling traffic. As time continues on, more and more of the population employed in Atlanta prefer to orbit the city and telecommute. This has proved to be an excellent way to diminish the mass of the city and its gravitational speeding.

With the growing rate of the city, however, Atlanta may soon have to raise its speed limits or create a more defined orbit out of 285. But Jacob Nix assures us that they will continue in their methods. "I love my job," Nix says. "I get a kick out of it every time I'm driving to work and am stopped in traffic next to a sign that says decreased speed ahead. It just gives me a good feeling to know that we're doing a service for people's safety."