I'm staving off a panic attack and should go to sleep, but my heart is racing. Memories are speeding through my mind, because this was the time of year that it all went down. No amount of platitudes will make me feel safe. I was drowning in a deluge of them before the original kidnapping and that was no help either. The comforting words of friends are but the empty air of distance between us. Intentions are lovely but expectations are low, because realistically at the end of the day, they have their own lives to live and there's little anyone can do. Although the technology does exist that would give me peace of mind, we are tied to the archaic system of parole officers. Psychopaths like my ex are 80% more likely to repeat offend, and sex offenders as well, so I can't help thinking that this is all around the worst idea ever to release the monster back on the world. It might not be me next time around, but as wife number 4, I expect there to be a 5th.
So what do I do with all this? I've done everything in my power there is to do, but I can't help but feel like the hunt is about to begin. Not thinking about it, would mean being caught unawares if something does go down, and that's not the way to deal with problems anyway. That's a big fat ticket to denial land and lots of worse problems. So I'm facing it head on, and holding my ground. However all the energy feels like it's gone out of me. I don't feel ready, and nothing about this feels right.
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