Gratitude

I don't care that Thanksgiving is over. Daily gratitude is a good thing. I did it for a year and it made me think to post it every day. This little act brought a lot of positive, so gonna keep it up. In a world with monsters masquerading as men, it's good to remember there's light and love out there too. So today, I'm thankful for gratitude. It's something that is absent in entitlement, which the world has way too much of these days. If you have ever done something for someone and they forgot or just asked for more, then you know the value of gratitude and appreciation. It makes you want to do more when it's appreciated. It makes you grateful too for the people who helped you. It's that ray of light that tells you, humanity isn't lost yet. There are still people who aren't so self absorbed that they can still be grateful.

Yesterday someone thanked me for this blog.  She let me know that it actually helped her understand a difficult situation.  Nothing could have made me happier to hear. When you are in a bad situation, all too often the person causing harm is incapable of personal responsibility whether from lack of maturity, personality disorders, or just plain sick in the head.  This means that the victim is going to take the blame, and when you are the target of all that negativity, you begin to believe it. A lie told often enough becomes truth.  This is one of the reasons that these abusers often isolate their prey so they don't get that reality check to confirm what they know in their heart to be true. 

The fact that I could shed a little light for someone makes me very grateful. That was my fondest wish for this blog, to help others in similar situations.  At the time, I felt so alone, because so many were buying the crap my ex was peddling, and he could sell shoes to a snake.  So to know that this blog fulfilled its purpose...  If it helped a single person survive the madness and escape.  THAT is the best. That is what it's all about, and for that I am immensely thankful.  Here's to the survivors, you know who you are.  

Stalkers

Since I know that there are stalkers reading my blog, allow me to take a moment to educate you. Others might be interested in this information as well.

Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and may include following the victim in person or monitoring them. Cyberstalking is the use of computers or other electronic technology to facilitate stalking. "Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have)."

Sometimes people lovingly say, I'm stalking so-and-so by following a celebrity on twitter, or trying to get a glimpse of them at Comic Con during a panel. These are not really stalking, because this a public display which people have put out there and welcomed the general public to experience.  However, when someone then projects back toward that celebrity or interested individual in an unwelcome way, by following them privately, or attempting to make contact after being warned not to ... that's stalking.

Wikipedia says:

Although stalking is illegal in most areas of the world, some of the actions that can contribute to stalking can be legal, such as gathering information, calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant messaging. They become illegal when they breach the legal definition of harassment e.g. an action such as sending a text is not usually illegal, but is illegal when frequently repeated to an unwilling recipient. In fact, United Kingdom law states the incident only has to happen twice when the stalker should be aware their behavior is unacceptable e.g. two phone calls to a stranger, two gifts following the victim then phoning them etc.[6]

The Violence Against Women Act of 2005, amending a United States statute, 108 Stat. 1902 et seq, defined stalking as "engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to— 

(A) fear for his or her safety or the safety of others;
(B) suffer substantial emotional distress."[7]

My ex husband stalked me when I tried to leave him. He would show up at the house, at my work, or following my car, and all were uninvited.  One night he even entered my parents house unknown to them and slipped into my room upstairs, when I was trying to get away from him. The stalker injects himself into your world, forcing his presence upon you, without concern whether you want him there or not.  He has no regard for your feelings on the matter. I've had more than my fair share of stalkers, without the fame and fortune that you would have thought accompanied such interest.  But I do tend to tell it like it is and call people out, and stalker personalities don't like that.  I also tend to say No which they don't like.

In "A Study of Stalkers" Mullen et al.. (2000)[16] identified five types of stalkers:

• Rejected stalkers pursue their victims in order to reverse, correct, or avenge a rejection (e.g. divorce, separation, termination). 
• Resentful stalkers pursue a vendetta because of a sense of grievance against the victims – motivated mainly by the desire to frighten and distress the victim. 
• Intimacy seekers seek to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To many of them the victim is a long-sought-after soul mate, and they were 'meant' to be together. 
• Incompetent suitors, despite poor social or courting skills, have a fixation, or in some cases, a sense of entitlement to an intimate relationship with those who have attracted their amorous interest. Their victims are most often already in a dating relationship with someone else. 
• Predatory stalkers spy on the victim in order to prepare and plan an attack – often sexual – on the victim. 

I've sadly had at least one of each, and really the bad ones sorta meld most of those into one. It starts with rejection, and that leads to a vendetta, and then they turn to predators intent on screwing with the target.  One fellow threatened to kill my horse if I didn't go out with him, and I lost it on him with many an F-bomb.  He never bothered me again, because I showed that I was not to be intimidated. The one date I did go on with him, was quite a scary one, and I was not going to go back for a second round. Screw that!

Many stalkers[quantify] fit categories with paranoia disorders. Intimacy-seeking stalkers often have delusional disorders involving erotomanic delusions. With rejected stalkers, the continual clinging to a relationship of an inadequate or dependent person couples with the entitlement of the narcissistic personality, and the persistent jealousy of the paranoid personality. In contrast, resentful stalkers demonstrate an almost “pure culture of persecution,” with delusional disorders of the paranoid type, paranoid personalities, and paranoid schizophrenia.[16]

Stalkers for whatever reason, not only can't let go, but hate that loss of power over their target.  This can be a reaction to rejection, something they can't comprehend.  In order to maintain control over the person who saw the games and smartly left, they monitor this person whether through other people, the internet, or in the traditional manner of following.  I still shudder when I look in my rearview mirror and someone is following too closely.  When they use other people to stalk, the stories change dramatically.  They may present themselves as the victim. They may say they are worried about the target.  They may say they are sorry. It doesn't matter what "excuse" they have, the behavior is unacceptable.

In my experience, I have seen them all.  The sad thing is that stalkers think they are so original, but they all have the same tricks.  The one that should make you worry the most is if they say they are worried about the mental state of the target, especially if they make it sound like the target is suicidal. This means they may be setting themselves up for an alibi. When i went back to work after being kidnapped, raped, and almost killed, I found a letter post-marked the day of my abduction from my attacker. In it he said that I was suicidal and that he was going to leave me alone. Obviously this was not the case as he immediately went to my house and attacked me.  If you have a friend trying to get away from someone and that someone calls you telling you how in love with them your friend is, and that your friend is suicidal, you should keep a close eye on your friend. The stalker just projected onto your friend his obsession, and may have dubious intentions.

The main way I was able to stop it with my ex, was exposure.  These people love their secrets, and hate an audience for their insanity, often choosing to make these assertions over the phone or in less recordable ways than text.  Accountability is a fear, because they know what they are doing is wrong, so holding people accountable for their actions is your best defense. When I caught my ex following me, I got on the phone and pulled over in a public spot.  He stormed out of the car, but when he saw that I was in an active conversation, he changed his tune immediately as I loudly let my parents know that he was following me. As per usual, crocodile tears were his next move, and attempts to rally my family to his side. Looking back, I should have called 911 instead.  Stupid me was still trying to help him because I felt sorry for him for being so broken. These sympathies for psychos have been since revealed to be nothing more than them playing people for control.  Thusly they no longer work on me, much to stalker chagrin.

When dealing with a stalker, document everything, and have a backup with a friend, especially a law enforcement and private investigator friend.  Stalkers are cowards. They don't want people knowing their dirty little stalker secrets, so don't let them make you walk on eggshells about it.  It's that mentality that attracted them in the first place.

I have a friend who does have the fame to attract a number of stalkers of her own, noticeably more while she was letting a demure lady do her PR.  However when she took it over and did it herself, the strength of her personality and force of nature that is her, put an end to those incursions.  Stalkers look for a hook, a chink in your armor to wheedle into, and if you don't provide one, they are powerless.

Stalkers will belittle you for all the things that you would do to protect yourself or even defend yourself, from the childish "you're mean" where their feelings are the only ones that matter while they stomp all over yours ... to the "a good Christian/woman/whatever" wouldn't act like that.  Basically they are setting up the parameters for good and evil, and you have no input in them. Don't let them. They are not God, and they need to stop trying to do His/Her job, because they are not qualified... although whether qualified for the other position is debatable at times.

I had one stalker show up at my place of employment years after parting ways.  Though she wouldn't drive near my house to let me read a contract, she went out of her way to go to my new place of employment and badmouth me to get me kicked out.  Information went missing on my computer, and I overheard the people there talking about it the next day.  Just when I was questioning whether I had heard them correctly (thinking that a sane person wouldn't do such a thing-well that's true), I heard them say ... "You don't think she heard us do you?"  No one ever questioned why someone would be walking in there to stir up trouble. That should have set off some red flags, but instead they jumped on board her victim express and enabled a stalker, while I'd just been moving on with my life.  And the worst thing I did was leave and take my art with me to do my own thing.

The worst of this is cyberstalking. Some people like to not only bother you personally, but the internet allows them to construct alternate identities and personas with which to pester you. This makes them a bitch to nail down, harder than "Hey 911... jerk's on my roof". There are people who are scarily adept at this because they've been doing it for a long time. However make no mistake, there are still laws that make it illegal.

When identifying cyberstalking "in the field," and particularly when considering whether to report it to any kind of legal authority, the following features or combination of features can be considered to characterize a true stalking situation: malice, premeditation, repetition, distress, obsession, vendetta, no legitimate purpose, personally directed, disregarded warnings to stop,harassment, and threats.[7]

A number of key factors have been identified:

• False accusations. Many cyberstalkers try to damage the reputation of their victim and turn other people against them. They post false information about them on websites. They may set up their own websites, blogs or user pages for this purpose. They post allegations about the victim to newsgroups, chat rooms, or other sites that allow public contributions such as Wikipedia or Amazon.com.[8]
• Attempts to gather information about the victim. Cyberstalkers may approach their victim's friends, family, and work colleagues to obtain personal information. They may advertise for information on the Internet, or hire a private detective.[9]
• Monitoring their target's online activities and attempting to trace their IP address in an effort to gather more information about their victims.[10]
• Encouraging others to harass the victim. Many cyberstalkers try to involve third parties in the harassment. They may claim the victim has harmed the stalker or his/her family in some way, or may post the victim's name and telephone number in order to encourage others to join the pursuit. 
• False victimization. The cyberstalker will claim that the victim is harassing him/her. Bocij writes that this phenomenon has been noted in a number of well-known cases. 
• Attacks on data and equipment. They may try to damage the victim's computer by sending viruses. 
• Ordering goods and services. They order items or subscribe to magazines in the victim's name. These often involve subscriptions to pornography or ordering sex toys then having them delivered to the victim's workplace. 
• Arranging to meet. Young people face a particularly high risk of having cyberstalkers try to set up meetings between them.[11]

Cyberstalking and Stalking are crimes.  Those who perpetrate them are criminals. Report them. Ignoring them rarely makes them go away, because they are actively hunting their victims and do not respect boundaries. They want to win, to dominate, and to control.  The victim attempted to escape from that.  Don't pull them back in, and don't let the stalkers win. If someone does not want to talk to another, respect that boundary, because they may have a very good reason for cutting that person out of their life.

Holiday Gift Giving

Morgan's First Christmas

I've never been a big fan of being forced to do anything, and that covers holidays. I don't want to give a gift because I have to, but because I want to and saw something that made me think of them.  I also am horrible at waiting to give gifts.  So Christmas is pretty  much all of December, because although I'm not big on the holiday itself, I love to give and make people happy with it, but the compulsory nature is what irks me.

If you have ever worked retail during Christmas, holiday music may be a knee jerk reaction of incoming jerks.  The sudden frothing madness to find something for everyone on a list so that no one will be forgotten or upset about being forgotten is an undue pressure for the spirit of the holiday.  Not only that, but the expectation to provide gifts is an ever growing strain in an economy that is lagging. Prior to Christmas there is an abundance of thefts that happen in order to meet the expectation to give till it hurts.
 All these things steal away the real reasons for Christmas.  "Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men" becomes a battle cry as people are trampled on Black Friday.

There is an excellent book called the 5 Love Languages that explains that people have different expressions of love. Gifts is only one of these. The rest are Quality Time, Acts of Service, Touch, and Words of Affirmation.  Everyone's love languages are different with a primary and a secondary.  Although I personally love to give gifts, it's actually last on my list, which is probably why I'm writing this blog.

So what's the point? Obviously it's the end that goes in the other guy... I mean ... It's that gifts are meant to be an expression of love, but that's not the only way to express love.  When Sheldon Cooper offered Penny his "coupons" to go point out the inaccuracies at the Science Museum, she was rather put off by the offer, yet Amy jumped at the chance.  The receiver is what's important, and the receiver's love language as well.

So when you're thinking of a gift for that person, maybe what they REALLY want is just time with you.  Maybe the best gift you could give would be to put everything aside and focus on them if Quality Time is their Love Language.  Perhaps the person just needs help around the house, and cleaning the house, or fixing the car might be what they really want if Acts of Service is their love language.  Some people's best gift might just be a good snuggle, and some people a well written letter of how much they mean to you. All of which still costs time, but that's why it's a holiday.  So why not open your hearts instead of your wallets this Christmas.

All of us are different, and so I tend to balk at the homogenized giving  of gifts as a way to show love for Christmas.  The message that sends is that there is only one way to show love, when that's not true.  It focuses on material instead of the heart, which is what it should be about.  Perhaps I seem a little Grinchy in my approach to Christmas. I've had people obsessed with gifts and outward appearance show me just how little that means when there is absolutely no love in their heart.  Therefore it means very little to me.  It could be a Charlie Brown Christmas with a single ornament, as long as I get to be with people that I love and want to show love to, instead of being forced to spend it with people I don't.

No matter what religion, no matter what faith, no matter what family...  Love is every day.  Expressions of love should be more than just once a year.  And when you attempt to show it every day, holidays become far less important.  Because it's just another day to give what you've been giving all along.

Snowpacalypse!

Building a snow horse in 2002, wearing my horse's spare halter.

If you live in the North, you will get a big laugh out of the insanity that ensues in the South when it snows.  A few flakes wisp through the air, driving Southerners into a panicked frenzy.  Suddenly there's a run on the grocery stores for beer, milk, and beanie weenies, because in the South, people generally cave in their homes until the snow passes.  Schools and work close, and the South watches as the sky is falling.

It sounds absurd, especially if you have spent any time in the North throughout your life.  The difference is the North is prepared and has been dealing with it every year.  The temperatures usually drop well below freezing and snow tends to stay snow.  Although weather of any type can come with it's share of dangers, there are a few things that make it a little more of a threat here.

Snow might mean ice.  In the blizzard of 93 I went out in the cold, wet, white stuff, but it wasn't snow, it was basically pelting small hail stones.  This was no fluffy building material that the artist in me adores.  This was icy sandpaper, crusted on top. The equipment that maintains the roads in the North is not as widely available in the South, much less the salting of the roads and such.  The snow will melt because we hang at the cusp of freezing and create lots of black ice for driving.

Southerners are not prepared.  At our last home on a snowy day, we sat in our dining room and couldn't help but watch our neighbor across the street come out to his car dressed in shorts, wearing flip-flops.  Of course being his driveway was on a hill, he of course slipped.  His truck didn't fair much better when you tried to leave later and slid down a hill of solid ice, finally abandoning the truck.

So maybe it's best that most Southerners hide in their homes and wait for it to pass, because it's not something we have to cope with very often, and it's not quite the same as it is in the North. Here there's no subtle bell curve of weather.  Here Mother Nature is bi-polar and you can go from heat to AC back to heat in the same day.  We've had events where temps have dropped or raised so suddenly that the moisture in trees expanded and they burst.

Frankly, I think hibernation is a rather good idea, and I'd gladly sleep through it all till spring.

Sex Offenders on Facebook

Yesterday I was going through Facebook and blocking a stalker who has repeatedly ignored being told to go away.  The number of faceless Facebook profiles under that name was staggering. But as I entered in the name to block yet another one of this jerk's identities, I decided to enter in the name of the ex.  Low and behold he popped up, the only one on Facebook.

I quickly blocked him and then asked my friends to block him.  He liked to try to get to me through other people, like stalkers and other psychotics enjoy doing.  Yeah, if you have been doing it, take a good look in the mirror.

Anyway, the thing is that according to the Terms of Service agreement with Facebook, Violent Sex Offenders may not use Facebook.  However it's not checked up on. It's a little box that says "do you accept", and what criminal is honest enough to first, read the terms of service, and secondly, be honest about it.

That's where we come in.  When I announced to my friends that he was on Facebook, there were others aware of other registered sex offenders on Facebook.  They were unaware that it was against Facebook's ToS. Most people just think there's another asshole with Facebook, isn't that about half the users?  They ignore or block and carry on.  However this is not just a jerk, this is a convicted felon. They aren't the ones causing flame wars and being jerks openly, although that can happen.  These are people who work in shadows and send private messages to your daughters.

I belong to a group called "keep Violent Sex Offenders off Facebook" but the best defense is us...
If you know one and they are on Facebook, report them to Facebook.  Violent Sex Offenders must register and are listed on government sites.  Simply go to  http://www.nsopr.gov/en-US/Search/Verification and pull up their profile, then submit it to Facebook, who will then pursue the matter further.

After you do that, go back to living your fabulous life.  You did a good deed. Remember you are the first line of defense, not the last line, so help spare a child or another woman from a Sex Offender's grasp.

The Strong Dog Never Barks

"The strong dog never barks."

First off, I am reserved, and do have social anxiety as part of my C-PTSD.  Also I have a nurturing side that wants to help people.  I try to be helpful and empathetic without being forceful.  Kindness and compassion are not loud qualities.  They are quiet. They listen, they observe, and they understand.

The moment that your mouth starts moving or you're thinking of what to say next, you aren't listening.  If you aren't listening, you can't understand, and if you can't understand, you can't truly empathize.  Part of this comes from not taking the emotions of other people personally.  Even if a person feels very different from yourself, you have to be able to look at the whole picture and realize that their emotions are not a necessity of action on your part. Their feelings are theirs, and real, and usually valid, but feelings are not always a true reflection of reality, and may come from a skewed perspective which has to be taken into account. Feelings have to be addressed in order to turn into action, but often expressed will lead to better actions, as long as it's a 2-way street.

It's not the feeling that's a problem.  It's when those feelings are used as justifications for actions against another person.  It is possible to listen and understand without giving up your own power. This requires focus and control over one's self, instead of negating someone else's emotions to feel safe. You can validate another's emotions without sharing them, but you have to be strong in yourself and in your own understanding in order to do this. As two-thirds of the population never reach the final stages of mental development to be capable of abstract thought, it is not the norm.  However it is worth reaching for, and in that maturity comes a freedom and a realization that others cannot change who you are and what you believe by simply being different.  And it is not up to you to change them to conform to your ideals, but to accept them as they are.

So many people are afraid of the emotions of others.  While some people are forced into a walking on eggshells environment, others walk on eggshells because they cannot handle the emotions of others, much less their own.  This is the wrong kind of quiet.  There is no strength in this quiet.  And you cannot live your life oppressed by the constant worry about the feelings of others and fear of how they might react.  And they have no right to not show concern for yours or avoid consequences for their emotionally based actions.  It's also wrong to remain silent if you have a grievance.  It cannot be fixed if a grievance is not addressed.  Sometimes people who you fear upsetting, will be very glad you were open with them and want to address it.  Sometimes people are selfish beasts who don't care.  Only one can you have a relationship with, and the latter you are better off without.  There is no reasoning with unreasonable people, but if you never try, you'll never know.

There are nasty evil people in the world, and unfortunately they tend to be attracted to the quiet ones, the ones who they think they can manipulate and control into oppressed silence. The majority of quiet people look weak to social predators because they are quiet, and this they take for weakness and prime prey.  However introverts are prone to absorbing more information, which is one of the reasons that they are quiet.  There's so much going on, tiny little cues, environmental stimuli, and other factors that are all being taken in that extroverts sometimes miss.  This observational quiet can be a strength.

Certainly I have my share of stories to tell, and after I've gotten a feel for the person, I become far more inclined to share.  By this time some people assume that I'm some shy doe or sometimes a doormat... when I'm just then starting to relax and be myself, neither is a correct assessment.  However those who push that, soon learn.  Meek does not mean weak.

If after I know you, I remain quiet, it's because I have ascertained that you will not listen, so I don't waste my energy. However when pushed, an INTP, like myself, has a habit of unleashing all the knowledge that we have been silently gathering, all the connections that we've put together, and can paint a perfect portrait of you with words that cover every tarnished corner of your soul with exacting irrefutable detail.  This explosion of factual truths can be a horrific thing to behold, especially to those living a lie. However this is not something that an INTP wants to do, rather is pushed to do in response to a determined unyielding foe.  This restraint is not out of fear, but often out of courtesy, but patience eventually wears thin.  When that resolve to action arrives its strength is of steel that cuts through marrow and bone to the very heart of matters.  The reaction to this quiet person's sudden verbosity is often shock and horror, and seems so out of character, when in fact it is perfectly within character for the reserved INTP.  Reserved does not mean incapable, it only means that they are choosing to hold back in favor of observing.  This is not out of weakness, but fortitude of self control, and saving such things for when the action is truly called for as a response.

“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man." ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

This is why the unassuming elderly asian man with a walking stick could theoretically be more dangerous than the witless teen flexing his biceps.  However the elderly man also has the wisdom to choose his battles.  A quiet person knows enough by observing to figure out what a person fears, because it's the same thing that they use to frighten others.

Fear not the braggart who touts his skills and throws his weight around.  Fear the quiet one in the corner, who knows he doesn't need to convince people of his medal.  His strength is not measured in public opinion. It lies deep within him, and is neither strengthened nor reduced by the perceptions of others whether it be physical, emotional, or mental prowess.  Therefore that strength requires no social validation to exist, because it simply is.

One of the memes I've been liking lately says it best.  Sometimes strength is not the roar of a lion, but the quiet voice that says "tomorrow I will try again".  Such is the inner strength of the quiet, who are strong enough in themselves to not be afraid when small dogs come barking.

Does It Get Easier?

This is something I posted a while back, but felt the need to repost.

When I was young, I thought that if I worked hard and paid my dues, that eventually things would get easier/better. But the thing is, that work is just rewarded with more work. You may learn how to handle some things better, which can make things somewhat easier, but it seems that life becomes more challenging than less, even as you hone your skills, build your portfolio, the work load increases as you learn to do more and develop your talent. It takes longer to get your skills to the next level, and if you don't practice, you only end up sliding backwards. Aging is an additional drain on energy. Kids make things wonderful and complicated. It seems with every age there are some things gained and some things lost, as opposed to say an RPG where you ever increase levels and skills. Life is a give and take, and pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, isn't something found but built.

I took a lot of jobs for next to nothing in my youth, thinking that eventually better paying work would come. But in the end, I find that people just migrate to those they can exploit, and by giving your time and work away, you negate the good paying, career building work, not the opposite. Instead the byproduct is a social expectation to receive your work for free, to go to college students who don't know any better, or some softy that hasn't learned the value of their time yet.

When someone sees a price tag attached to a finished painting in the thousands or an illustration in the hundreds, they don't see the cost of materials or the fact that the artist is probably only making about $10 an hour off that painting IF it sells. Yes, that job may cost $800, but it also probably took 80 hours of my time to create it, and that doesn't count the booth fees, etsy fees, or other platforms to try and present it where people can purchase it.

People who would fight tooth and nail that workers be paid more for minimum wage will scoff at paying an artist for their time. Fundamentally this is a mentality that exploits artists on the grounds that it is a passion, but disregarding that it is also work. That's why it's called ARTWORK.

The problem is not only in the consumers but also the artists themselves. It's HARD to ask for money, because you know how they are going to react or you want to make someone happy. But ultimately by doing jobs for cheap, you could be using that time for something that pays, or at least doing something that you love that could pay off later in prints. 10 years down the road you will feel used and sad that you are scraping by, by not asking enough for your time. People expect you to give them a break or something for free, because you can just do it, or you can make another, and being an artist, I personally do it because I want to make other people happy with it. But I have had to learn to value my time, because so many people want to waste it. It's taken 10 years, and I still feel like a heel, but if I don't hold my ground, then I have no one to blame but myself.

My time is worth money and I have a skill that while not exactly rare, is very specialized, and I deserve more than minimum wage for my work. It may seem like a lot of money, but it was also a lot of work. If you wish to be paid for your time to do whatever you do, don't expect someone else, even if they are an artist, to not expect the same. You get what you pay for!

Carrying is Awkward

So I've been carrying for a month now, and let me tell you, it's weird.  Previously it had been in the fanny-pack of doom, and everyone thought I was just a geeky mom.  There was no real response, because no one ever saw the gun.  Recently I shifted to a crossbreed holster, which makes the gun far more accessible, and going to the bathroom a lot easier.  I know that's a silly thing, but it's something you don't have to worry about until you're there.

Now when I bend over to put Morgan into her carseat, often my shirt comes up and you can see the weapon. Tuesday in the line up picking Morgan up from school (which I never enter, they bring them to the car) I've noticed the teachers don't talk to me anymore (and they are aware of my ex being released).  I heard the lady in the car behind me comment to one of the teachers, so I know it makes others uncomfortable, but it shouldn't.  Yesterday I picked up a friend of mine's daughter from school, ( I had taken off my gun and stowed it in my car, again never entering the school), and she was telling me that the school got wind of a mother who had left her gun in her car, but the mere presence of it, banned her from ever entering the school again. WTF?!?!?

First of all... how many women have perpetrated a school shooting?  What mother would endanger not only other children, but their own?  And if a school shooting did happen, I guarantee, most armed parents would probably risk their own life for their child's.  Most school shootings are not done by a parent or teacher, but an outsider, usually male, or a student... again usually male.  Not exclusively, I realize, but all you have to do is look at prison populations to know that females are lower risk.

A gun in the hand of a woman, evens the playing field where half the population could probably overpower them by sheer mass alone.  The vast majority of my female friends have been raped and/or molested, which speaks volumes to the very real threat of sexual violence from men, which could be easily defended with a weapon not dependent on strength. There are far more people raped and molested than there are shot, which leads me to my inappropriate comment the other day, "Why yes, I have a gun. You have a cock. I'll give mine up, when you give up yours. I've been raped, have you ever been shot? Which is more likely to cause harm in the wrong hands?"

As I sat in the line of cars, waiting to pick up my friend's daughter, I thought what if the tables were turned, what if every parent here were armed, and an incident happened.  But then if parents and teachers were armed, the likelihood of an incident happening at all would drop significantly.  At the recent mall shooting in another country, armed men took over and killed people at their leisure. The authorities began to realize that it never would have happened if even a couple of people in the mall had been armed at the time.

Being dependent on other people for your protection, period, is a bad bet. I lived next to the Sheriff's daughter, when my incident went down, and not a scream or cry was responded to that night.  I could not call for help, because he pulled all the phone cords out of the walls, and it's hard to dial when you're in the midst of the fight of your life, and someone's trying to tie you up with duct tape.  Part of the torture of the event, was that I was within spitting distance of a knife that I kept near the bed.  I stared at it, wishing I was telekinetic, trying to pull a skywalker to no avail.  Weapons nearby can seem a million miles away, if you can't get to them in time.  There's no guarantee you'll make it to them.  Police wouldn't be able to do anything until after a crime is committed, and by then it's too late, even if you happen to make that call.

From the awkward looks, and uncomfortable expressions of others, I was starting to wonder about carrying, but after being stalked so often, I know that attacks can come at any point in your life's pattern, which they often observe ahead of time.  What sealed it though, is a ranting stream of consciousness email from a friend of mine's stalker, who I suppose is now mine too.  He's been blocked, warned, and told to fuck off, but he keeps coming back, because ... these people's minds do not work like normal people.  Psychopaths and their obsessive ilk have brains that literally do not function properly. It's one of the reasons that there is no rehabilitation for a psychopath. There is literally no cure for them. Go watch Dexter...

Still it's hilarious that a known stalker, in the process of stalking would advise me to not carry a gun.  Of course he would! Mr. Ignores Restraining Orders would love for his targets to be unarmed and vulnerable. After all, someone doing things worthy of being shot, would like their victims to be unarmed.  Thieves would love for you to turn the alarms off and leave the doors unlocked.  Rapists would appreciate it if you didn't carry mace.  And cyberstalkers would really like me to not call them out on their shit while they are actively stalking.

To those who don't seem to get it. Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and may include following the victim in person or monitoring them. Cyberstalking is the use of computers or other electronic technology to facilitate stalking. "Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have)."

Nothing could be a more solid supporting statement in favor of carrying than a stalker recommending against it.  Wolves will always vote away the sheep's defenses.  After all, there might be consequences when they ignore your basic human rights, and that would be horrible, because they know they are better than everyone else.  Sounds like a political statement... about people wanting to exploit you and not wanting you to be able to fight back ... hmm. But in general predators prey on those they perceive to be weak, whether they be compassionate and altruistic or pacifists, these all seem like weakness to psychos.  Therefore, talk softly and carry a big stick... or a gun.

I have no desire to take someone's life.  I do not want to ever have to use my gun.  However, after my experiences, I know a lot of heartache could have been prevented if I'd been armed. After all I'd had to wrestle a shot gun away from him before.  I will not hesitate if I see my ex, to pull the trigger, because I know exactly what he's capable of, and he wouldn't have any problem killing me.

Although carrying is uncomfortable, and people start treating the shy chick with the gun weird, I bet if I had a badge, they wouldn't mind.  Despite police brutality, and the fact that I know of 2 people dying horribly in police custody... that badge makes it all okay.  It shouldn't, because they're just people too, good and bad.

It's so weird, because if it were in my purse, people would probably not care at all.  However, I don't carry a purse, because I use my hands too much.  And if people knew me, they would know why I'm carrying, and realize that they have nothing to fear from my gun... course they would also know I could kick some major ass without one too.  I swerve to avoid squirrels who run in front of my car.  It's not like I'm itching to kill something.  Sure I like shooting a target and honing my skills, but this is a tool. It's the same reason I carry a multitool... in case I need it... and well, if stalker guy shows up to harass me and my friend... that will probably make me very glad that I have it.  It should make stalkers and predators uncomfortable.  Then it's doing its job without ever being fired.

Philippines Update

Here's a link to the previous article on the Philippines http://linzarcher.blogspot.com/2013/10/my-bizarre-trip-to-philippines.html with a little more info on my Uncle Dennis. He's an amazing man who started the International Deaf Education Association or IDEA.  Our family received an update from Uncle Dennis, and I thought that I would share the letter that he sent. He's made a huge impact on the islands in the past, and he continues to do so.

Island of Bohol in 1996

Update from Dennis:

I'm running on emergency generator so have Internet and running water from my deep well so feel so fortunate.  The island of Bohol is mostly in a black out because the geothermal electrical plant in Leyte got hit so hard by typhoon Yolanda.  The report is that they may be back on-line by January.  

I have seven American volunteers here right now from Faith Chapel in Billings, Montana.  They are all construction types and are helping me in setting up our rapid house construction assembly line in our new shop that Consuelo helped us build.  The shell for this new shop was completed two weeks before the quake and was not damaged a bit.  The timing for the shell's completion could not have been better because within one week after the quake we were already turning out transitional/core shelters for our staff members whose homes collapsed.  I am still trying to get a finished concrete slab in part of the structure and we are building a bunk house for our workers.  

We have now moved to a second generation design of our Emergency House that is 18 square meters but can easily be expanded to 36 square meters by the owner.  It is made of coconut lumber and plywood and we are expecting that when our production line is fully operational, we will be able to put out 10 homes a day at a cost from $400 to $450 each.  We are expecting the cost of materials to rise as demand goes higher so I wouldn't be surprised to see the cost go to $600 per house.  Once on the sight, the homes are ready to occupy in 2 hours.

Three members of the Montana team went with me yesterday to Sagbayan, Bohol to straighten up the walls of our Dormitory.  The very good news is that they declared it safe to occupy so we can call the kids back to school if only we had a generator.  We have a deep well at the dorm but no way to extract it.  This is the same situation in Loon, Bohol and Ormoc, Leyte.

The team yesterday did have some bad news for me though in that our brand new classroom building in Sagbayan that was to be inaugurated on Nov 5 is in worse condition than I originally thought.  Although most walls are still standing, they just pushed on the 18 foot division and end walls of the structure and it was obvious that if they wanted to, the walls could be pushed right over.  The verdict is that 80 % of the building has to be torn down and we have to start over.  Sad.

Today part of the team head up to Loon so we can assess the damage more closely there and get a final recommendation on repairs and or rebuilding there.  We will have to take a boat across the main river because the bridge is down.  Initial reports are that the dorm is usable but the classroom building there may also be beyond repair.  I need a second opinion so my American construction guys will be very helpful.

Ormoc, Letye is very difficult.  We have not been able to make contact with a number of our teachers and dorm parents.  We are unsure of their fate.  Three of the teachers we have contacted had their homes either totally damaged or partially damaged.  Two of the teachers and their families are taking refuge in what is left of our dorm.  We have no way of knowing the fate of our students yet.

I was so fortunate on Monday as I made an emergency trip to Cebu and was able to buy corrugated roofing and C-purlins to repair the Ormoc dorm and classroom buildings.  This was some of the last roofing available in the whole city of Cebu.  As I said, I did not have luck for generators.

This week we are setting up a training for our staff in connection with CFSI for trauma counseling.  Right after that we will send out our sponsorship staff on the backs of motorcycles to the homes of every deaf child to assess their needs and begin making arrangements to bring them back to the dormitories and start classes.  We want to give them a feeling of return to normalcy as soon as possible.  

My strategy in Ormoc, Leyte that got hit by the typhoon so hard is:

1. Make our dorm and classroom building safe to occupy.  They will probably be used as evacuation centers or command centers initially.
2. Stabilize our teachers and staff situation.
3. Locate and assess the needs and conditions of students
4. Restart classes
5. Help families of our staff or students who have lost their homes with transitional / core homes.
6. Reach beyond the IDEA family to help as may others as possible.

One of the very difficult problems we are having with our Employment, Income Generating Projects (EIGPs) is the power outages.  We do have generators at all of these facilities such as Dao Diamond Hotel.  The problem is that it is costing us P18,000 per day to operate the one at the hotel.  Luckily we have been fully occupied since the earthquake but we are operating at a loss.  The same is true for Garden Cafe, IDEA Pension House in Jagan, and our fly tying operation.  It is essential that we keep these businesses going because to do otherwise would simply add to the potential collapse of our small world.  No jobs for our workers would be devastating for them. 

Well I hope that brings you up to speed.

Here are some links to various articles and appeals that have been produced about and for us.

http://billingsgazette.com/news/local/billings-residents-arrive-in-philippines-to-help-after-typhoon/article_6e6177e1-a9e0-5bfc-896b-04c9168d5e30.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRfkOTX_GNg  

I will also be updating the IDEA website today or tomorrow.  You will be able to follow us there.

Best regards,

Dennis

Becoming a Stereotypical Artist

Many people have assumptions about artists.  There's plenty of stereotypes out there, and like many stereotypes, it's society that pushes a group to fit the stereotype. Artists are seen as temperamental or the "starving artist", and there's a reason for that.  There are few professions, most of them creative in nature, that are treated with such irreverence for the artist's time and work. This is expressed by often being encouraged to get a "real job" or people just downright not wanting to pay for work.  Because it's something that you enjoy and an expression of self, many do not give it any value, which can make the artist themselves feel devalued.

Because this is an emotional topic, I'm going to get crude about it.  People act like you just ejaculate art onto the page in some sort of orgasmic mastrabatory session that takes as little thought as jacking off.  You enjoy it, so it should be free.  So if that is so, why do you pay prostitutes and porn stars for doing something "enjoyable". That's one of the bigger money making industries, so how does that work? The fact of the matter is that art is work, and it's specialized work.  Not everyone can do it.  People realize that art sells books, and turns print into something that people want to buy, but often are unable or more likely unwilling to extend future funds to the artist.  This is most infuriating when a writer does it, saying that they are doing all the work.  Why is one creative field seen as work and another not?

Doctors, lawyers, and social workers are not expected to get another job so they can "follow their passion", yet it's commonplace for artists to do so.  You would never ask a plumber to fix your plumbing "for the exposure" so he can get more plumbing work, but that is the way people treat artists.  Also artists in illustration are often paid for the job, not by the hour, so you could theoretically finish a project and be making 25 cents an hour, because there is no hourly minimum wage for artists.

This is why artists are broke... Run up credit cards to make it to a show, where you can sell your art.  Use money made from show to pay off credit cards, which may or may not be above the cost of going. Then realize you need to restock for next show, now having no money from paying off credit cards...  use credit card... repeat and cuss.

Do art for minimal money to get name out there, and then wait for people to actually pay promised money after art is done... and wait... and wait... start asking to be paid for work, because you run up credit cards just to eat because you didn't get paid.  Be made villain for asking to be paid. They turn to college kids for cheaper more ignorant artists.  College kids go through same process ... repeat.

Begin doing what you want to do now that you are a better artist.  People love it, but most people don't want to pay for it or can't afford it, so you do something else you have no interest in... and don't get paid... and prints don't sell.  Be told that illustration and realism is not art, while others devalue what you do because it's not a normal job. Watch artists with less talent sell crap because they are young and charismatic, while more talented artists starve because they are spending their time on perfecting their art. Grind teeth to bloody stumps... repeat.

Get a commission and the promise of actually getting paid, then they turn out to be the most micromanaging perfectionist on the planet.  They bring in other people and suddenly your art is being done by committee.  By the end, you've done 10 paintings and none were ever good enough. You've wasted so much time that when you do get paid, it doesn't cover the time wasted that you could have been using to do something that you enjoy that might actually sell. Meanwhile you've got an image that only the client could love, and you could not make and sell prints of to recoup cost.

Then you add that people who see money coming in at shows and think you have money because you work for yourself. Cue leeches. Cue debt.  Get rid of leeches, and be made villain.  Get labeled as temperamental artist.

Painting in public, something that takes concentration and works with an entirely different side of the brain than talking; however, people cannot help coming up to you and talking.  You may think that most of it is compliments, and no doubt they exist but more often than not you get some mother telling their 10 year old, "you could do that" or "you can barely see the numbers" or "what's that going to be?" or "You could do better than that"to someone else.  Seriously, next time, I'm bringing a pencil box and challenging the next person to a duel.  It's just plain rude.

Become sickly and unable to work, but can't afford health care, and suddenly all your patrons drop out because they are afraid you can't finish the job. Meanwhile people are waiting to bank on your work after you are dead, selling and trading art at much higher rates than when the artist was alive and actually could have used the money.  Now it goes to gallery owners and collectors, like some valued medieval finger bone of a saint for good luck.  Still I suppose that's better than no one wanting your art after you're gone.

I realize that some of these are just me, but I bet that most artists can relate to at least 50% of this.  It's a very rewarding career in so many respects, but often lacking in respect.  I've had people complain that I was just selling a piece of paper, to which I responded, then you will have no problem giving me those pieces of paper you call cash.  At the end of the day, value and power is where you assign it. It's a belief, and it's a common belief that art has little value.  To those who do value art, and are patrons of the arts, you are beyond value to us, even if you don't buy our art.  The sheer appreciation is of great value to us.  All artists can do is hope that there are more people out there who can learn to appreciate the hard work of another individual, even if it's not the same type of work that they do.  And maybe... just maybe give us a little bit of basic human respect... and then repeat it.

If any of this touched home, you might enjoy this 19 ways to make an illustrator grind their teeth to bloody stumps.

A New Holster

Yesterday I got my holster in the mail.  Previously I had been carrying my Ruger in a fanny pack of doom.  Unfortunately the fanny pack was not keen on the weight and the seams began to give way under the stress.  Just in time, my holster finally arrived.

I wanted something more concealable, which is why I went with the slim line of the Ruger LC9.  I've since decided that I'm not a big fan of the long pull on the trigger. It tends to pull my aim down and to the left.  However we are getting a modification of that and I'm still hitting center mass.

Going for concealable, I opted for the Crossbreed holster as recommended by a friend with far more experience than I.  The Crossbreed fits inside my pants at the belt level, which makes it easy to cover with a shirt or jacket.

As I was putting it on this morning for the first time, and noticed how the handle was at my ribs, I remembered a quote...

"The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved." - Matthew Henry in Commentary on the Whole Bible, Vol. 1, under Genesis 2:21

When that popped into my mind, I laughed, and amended, "... and if that doesn't work, there's a gun at your rib to protect you from him."  And now that I type it, I realize that was much funnier in my head.  Ah well, they can't all be gems.

For the last 12 years, I rued the day that the ex walked free, but now that it's here and we're prepared, the fear has evaporated.  In the end I did the one thing that he ultimately feared, and that was "hold him accountable".  He was so used to getting away with things, sweet talking people out of action, and in general weaseling his way.  Also he was very good at picking people that he thought he could manipulate with religion and guilt, and he's lost his foothold in my circle.  So I anticipate that he will look for someone younger, more gullible, more religious, and less aware.  

It makes me shiver for the next poor victim, and I say this because leopards don't change their spots.  He is what he is, but I think he'll go for an easier target.  After all, I'm no longer his type.  He'll probably drum up a story about how awful horrible I was and that I deserved every bit, if I get brought up. He liked to project his actions on me to soak in the victim role.  So I'm sure he'll do that with some well meaning innocent, whose heart aches for the poor abused Liam or Bill, whatever he goes by now.  He may mock the weight I gained or demean me in other ways that are less risky, but probably not risk more accountability. Because at the core of it, predators are cowards and prey on those they think are weak.  Although I can be shy and reserved, I'm not weak.  It does attract those types and so I have tried to force myself to be more outgoing, but I'm an introvert.  

Really I'm just determined to be me, because there's nothing wrong with "who I am".  Behaviors are mutable and adjustable, but who I am is good, and nobody has the right to change it. I am determined to be outspoken, to live my life the way I see fit, and to be myself to spite the people like him who tried to change me and force me into some 50s misogynistic mold of wife.  I may not be perfect, but then nobody is.  However I've worked hard to see things as they really are, to tell it like it really is, and those qualities have protected me from attempts to gaslight me and helped me see through lies. It makes me at times uncomfortable company, especially to those who like lies and sugar coating, but it's not like I don't use some manner of tact. 

At the end of the day as the Russian proverb says, I'd rather be slapped with a truth than kissed with a lie.  I appreciate it when people are open and real with me too, and have little tolerance for those who are not.  It took a measure of growing up to realize that I did not have to live by the opinions of others, and to trust myself.  Oddly enough, by being this way, people value that quality, and at times cannot go back to living in the lies of others.  Once you've had a healthy relationship, it's hard to accept anything else. I may not have a huge quantity of friends, but I'd like to think that the quality is pretty high.  It's not like I'm 100% healthy myself, I'm still a work in progress, and will be till the day I die.  However I'm doing it for myself out of a desire to be better, and not to please others.  Those who have tried to abuse and change me always called me stubborn, but my strength of will is not "stubborn". It is the reason I'm still here, and the reason that what failed to kill me, made me stronger.  It's the reason I can do the things I can do by applying it to learning and growth.  The only reason it was put in a negative light, was because it was the barrier of self respect that prevented me from being abused and they wanted it out of the way.  But the castle gates only close when under attack, and I've had enough experience to know a raiding party when I see one.

Environmental Impact on Infants?

At heart, I'm a frustrated psychologist that wants to study people and see how they work.  When I say that, it's less of the dissecting and more in a Mythbusters/social-experimentation sort of way. That's one reason I listen to lectures on iTunes U.  One of them was about how warmth affects living creatures in profound, often subconscious ways.  In an experiment they had monkeys raised by robot mothers, the difference being one group had warm mothers and the others had cold. The ones with warm robot mothers adapted well and turned out fine, while the ones with cold mothers were very messed up.

This makes me think about the fact that in a random search one day, I divided serial killer up by zodiac signs, because I was tired of seeing "ALL Aquariuses are honest" when in fact some of the most dishonest people I've known fell into that category. So I started going through and sorting serial killers by birthdays and found something rather weird.  There are more serial killers born from mid November to January than any other time of year.  When I say more, it was a significant difference, as in double. ( On a side note, all the Libra serial killers were medical profession, doctors and nurses killing patients *shiver* )

It's proven that the time of year does in fact have an impact on children, because children born in August tend to be healthier than those born the rest of the year.  So perhaps our first view of the world might have some impact. If these serial killers are all born in cold months, and we know that cold has a negative impact on infant primates developmentally, could being born during the dreariest time of year have some influence on their natures, and a contributing factor to deviant behavior?

Also we know that one of the first colors that a baby can see is red, and being August babies are healthier, does coming into a world full of colors they can see, have an influence on them? There is more red in fall than any other time of year.  Does that beautiful environment perhaps influence them to want to be more a part of that world, a warm and colorful world, even as it's getting cooler, they may have more hope of it being warm again than a child who has only experienced a cold and dreary world from the moment they entered it.

Then I have to ask the question, if color does affect babies in a healthy way, then how does that impact children who are red/green color blind?  Would that cause a shift?  Obviously I'm not saying everyone born in cold months or color blind is prone to be a serial killer, but that it could be a contributing factor combined with other ones like genetics and other environmental influences.

This is all speculation of course, and just from my own personal observations; however, if anyone wants to throw a grant at me, I'll gladly accept! My ultimate question is "What is the impact on environmental stimulus such as warmth and color on newborn infants, and is it a contributing factor to their perception of the world throughout their adult lives?"  I'm curious if it could contribute to depression, anxiety, or other factors. If anyone has any further documentation to feed my curiosity, feel free to contribute.  All I have is curiosity and questions!

Still Buggering On

The world hasn't ended, so that's good.  Life has just been going on at it's normal pace.  Once or twice I've seen a few cars parked on our street that gave me a second glance, but more often I've seen tons more police cars in our area.

No more information has surfaced in regards to the monster, and the only sign of him has been an increase in nightmares about him.  Although in the daylight, life has been relatively normal, my subconscious is still waging a mental war.  I am not entirely sure how healthy it is to dream of stabbing the ex with a halberd, but it was satisfying, as was the one where I pulled a Hulk and flung him about like a doll, ultimately crushing him with a VW bug.  My subconscious apparently likes his presence about as much as my waking self, unfortunately it's not as easy to combat when awake.

At the end of the day I've got an enemy, and he's not alone.  There've been a couple people cut from the same cloth.  Really, having enemies is okay, because well, as Winston Churchill once said more eloquently, it just means I've stood up for something in my life.

This whole experience has made me far more likely to stand up for gun rights, and the more I read, the more firmly I am for them.  More and more events in the news only seem to highlight their value in the hands of good citizens.  It evens the playing field.

Even with my background in martial arts, I was taken by surprise and overpowered.  He ripped the phone from the walls, and calling for help became impossible.  Sneaky bastards don't play fair, and they are cowards looking for weakness and easy prey. Being armed makes you not easy prey and thusly less of a target.

When stricter gun laws were being passed, Kennesaw, Ga did the opposite and made it mandatory that every house own a gun.  The crime rate plummeted in response.  Interpol is apparently waking up after a recent tragedy to the realization that armed citizens can protect themselves. http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/exclusive-westgate-interpol-chief-ponders-armed-citizenry/story?id=20637341&singlePage=true

I can only hope that the world is waking up.  Criminals don't respect gun laws.  It would just be nice if the government would stop treating its citizens like criminals or children.  When a man defending his home is accused of murder, I can't help but be angry.   http://misguidedchildren.com/justice/2013/11/maryland-man-shoots-home-intruder-charged-with-murder/6028

Life should never be taken lightly, but if I have to choose between protecting my family or letting them come to harm, you can be sure I will protect my home.

Verses VS Platitudes for Ineffective Responses

To those who don't know what happened, I blogged about it http://linzarcher.blogspot.com/.../10/bad-anniversaries.html This is a heavily religious post and I normally prefer to avoid those these days, but one too many Bible verses thrown at me, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

This started with a post on my Facebook earlier this week, and ironically I got responses that were similar to what I was just complaining about. After asserting that this approach was ineffective, I got more of it, because forcing the issue makes it right (sarcasm). Books 30 years old obviously hold all the answers because they couldn't have made any important discoveries in mental science in the past 30 years! (I'm dripping the sarcasm now) But I'm in for a penny, so I thought I'd blog and be in for a pound. Keep in mind that I'm upset at the practice of platitudes and verses used as some mental bandaid on wounds that need stitches, more than the religion behind it.

I've heard every platitude and Bible verse in conjunction with what happened, but God gives people free will, even the evil people. If you wish to respond, please be a human with independent thought, don't throw other people's words at me. It only makes you feel better about yourself. It doesn't actually help. It doesn't express empathy. It doesn't fix things.

It does lead to Just World Fallacy. It is a cop out to not think or connect with another human. It expresses judgement, detachment, and a sense of superiority. I've got nothing wrong with the word of God and if I want it, I'll read the Bible and go to the source, or pray and talk to the divine myself. I don't need someone else to dictate it to me.

The monster was very fond of using Bible verses to control people. You don't have to love someone to do that, you just have to want to control them. He was a registered Baptist minister, son of a minister, and leader of a wiccan coven... though I didn't discover that till AFTER we got married. So to the jerks who say I shouldn't have gotten divorced, you're right, I should have stoned him.

The way many (not all) Christians treated me after everything that happened was enough to make me not want to be one anymore, but instead, I just became my own version. I prefer actions to words. They mean much more. And I'm very tired of people telling me what to do and think and feel, especially when they've never been where I've been. Hate to say it, but males have been the worst about this. They want to fix it, when the fix actually requires empathy.  Their attempts to fix without empathy in these matters more often than not break things worse.

Many are still stuck in the mentality that trapped me with the ex in the first place. I wanted to help him and I believed that all people were inherently good. So they are stuck on his salvation, but I have to go with Ayn Rand on this "Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent."  

Psychopaths are not curable. They have no guilt, which is the main proponent of people making a choice to not be evil. They are a small sect of humanity and their brains literally do not function like a normal person's. I'm sure that functional human beings can, but if you have not had experience dealing with a psychopath, then you don't realize that you can't apply these things, like you can't expect certain things of people born without ears, or legs.

I don't have a problem with Christianity as much as the fact that many churches pump out narcissists [lack of empathy, over devaluation or idealization (inability to see mid-ranges), magical thinking, need for narcissistic supply e.i. other people's perceptions of them as "holy", inability to recognize boundaries, need to "teach" others because they think they are better than others] and codependents [ Are a corrupted form of "do unto others" They do to you what they want done to them. Their acts of kindness are for control. "People who are codependent often take on the role of martyr; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves.] like a factory, and their conditioned responses are often unhealthy ones. 

I believe you can be a Christian and be emotionally healthy. I believe you can have faith and still be logical about it. I believe that respecting other people and their boundaries is part of loving them, and to do otherwise is not a display of love.

My beliefs are valid and personal and not for community moulding. My mind, my body, my heart, and my soul are mine, and therefore my decision who to give them to, is nobody else's business. I refuse to be treated like property of any human or institution, which means that my life is not up for others to tell me how to live it. I am not perfect, but I have learned from my experiences, and a lot of what I have learned is that the church as a whole has accepted unhealthy doctrine, and that those without wisdom or experience are the first to offer someone else's words.

God gave us a brain to use it, to learn, and that God's laws are written on the hearts of humans in the form of conscience, and that those that defy them to do despicable acts are more lacking in empathy than religion, so I cannot abide by teachings that result in lack of empathy, which is the very antithesis of learning to love.

Beliefs in general don't make you a good or bad person, though I find many people think that they do. Actions are what define people. I've seen many a hypocrite (Greek word for actor) present a public face and be a monster in private. From boyfriends to bosses, I've been disappointed repeatedly when their actions and their words were out of sync. I've seen pagans who had worse "holier than thou" airs than the Christians they insisted on telling how to be good Christians (while they did some horrific stuff). Then again I know many non-Christians who've read more of the Bible and about the Bible than the majority of Christians I know. It doesn't matter what symbol/power you attach your identity to, it's who you are, and if who you are cannot offer something helpful from inside you, then you probably should not offer it at all.

At the end of the day, if you have not been through a situation like someone else, then perhaps it's time to be quiet and listen. Before you can hand out information of any kind, you have to understand a situation, and unless you have a degree in psychology or have been there yourself, the best way to do that is to listen.  It's not to assume that the victim did something wrong to end up in the sights of a psychopath.  Ted Bundy avidly preyed on the kinder impulses in people to get his victims.  He wore a cast and would get women to feel sorry for him and carry things back to his car where he would beat them over head with the cast and throw them inside. 

This is a choice made by an evil person, and no amount of platitudes and Bible verses are going to undo the event. If that's how you deal with things, fine, go read your Bible and pray. However if you want to help, try listening without thinking about what you want to say.  Put yourself in their shoes, and imagine the circumstances and emotions involved. Empathy begins when you stop thinking about changing the other person and start seeing them as a person instead of a broken thing to be fixed.

Scary Moments

Evee our lovable pup

Freak out moment, here, when our dog Evee jumped up and started barking at something. Normally when she thinks she hears something, she sort of barks as if in question without much umph behind it, and if she does move, she goes toward the front door.  This was not one of those times.  She dashed up as if someone had rung the doorbell barking adamantly at something and went to the back door at an angry run.  Then she ran round to the front looking through the windows. When I opened the front door she didn't relent her search as easily as with false alarms. Normally the door opens and she glances left and right and is done.  This time she stared intently, sniffing the air.  Something wasn't right, and she seemed sure of it.

After a perimeter check, all seems clear. Keeping an eye open for movement, while Trenton gives Morgan a bath.  Yeah, I may be the most probable victim, but I'm also the best eyes and ears in the house.  In D&D terms, I have one heck of a spot check.  After all, when Trenton gets home, I'm the one that tells Evee half the time and then she gets up and barks.  So I'm sitting here with Evee and keeping an eye out.  For the most part we've been going about our lives, but now I'm on edge and scanning for movement. However I'm not really afraid and somewhat calm. I suppose being not only armed, but having proved proficient with firearms has instilled a long lost sense of security.

It was weird carrying a gun at first, but now it feels no different than carrying a swiss army knife, like I used to in high school.  It doesn't feel as much like a weapon, but a tool in case I need it.  Firing the gun more has made me more comfortable that I not only can use it if I need to, but that it won't go off unless I intend it to.

Still I'm a little concerned about the next date... November 11, would have been the wedding anniversary to the monster.  Wouldn't be surprised if he waited till then to do something.  Hoping the restrictions on him are enough to keep that from happening, and that this was some random false alarm.

This past weekend I went back to my hometown to visit my parents' for my mother's 70th birthday.  Although I feel relatively settled and safe here, it was different being in a house that the monster had snuck into that very room in the middle of the night. Memories flooded me and it just secured something I realized a while back, this will never feel like home again, which is very sad.  Every time I pass... I think it's mile marker 183 on 75 South, I can't help but recall the scary nightmare ride where Liam drove me 90 mph toward the interstate threatening to kill me because I dare say that I wasn't happy with him, and that we might want to consider divorce. I responded with, "if I live through this, I'll still divorce your ass" ... and he changed his tune.

Going back there, doesn't feel like going home. It feels like another life of someone else.  I am not that same person.  So much inside of me died then, but other things were reborn.  I can't say that everything I took away from the experience was bad, after all, I learned a lot. Certainly not all of its effects were good either.  However I did learn who my true friends were, by their reactions to it. Their numbers have dwindled but their quality increased.

One of the scarier aspects of going back to the folks' house was that Liam's parole officer is actually fairly close to there and could put him in probable range.  He has a dopple-ganger in the area as it is that is the Monroe County Commissioner (I think his name is Michael Bielderbeck) and if I were to even run into him, it would be too much.

I thought I just saw a shadow, but no reaction from Evee this time. Hopefully it was just one of the neighborhood cats that strolls through our backyard thanks to us planting catnip. Between the alarm, the dog, the guns, and a husband who wouldn't hesitate to introduce the ex to Castle Laws... I am trying to stay vigilant, but like I said, not as worried as before. And really, I'm not entirely sure why, except that on the whole, I'm tired of being scared.  I'm staying safe, but not out of fear anymore, it's more out of a protective nature.  This is my life, my home, my family, and I will not let him damage anything of mine again.