Stalkers

Since I know that there are stalkers reading my blog, allow me to take a moment to educate you. Others might be interested in this information as well.

Stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual or group toward another person. Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and may include following the victim in person or monitoring them. Cyberstalking is the use of computers or other electronic technology to facilitate stalking. "Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have)."

Sometimes people lovingly say, I'm stalking so-and-so by following a celebrity on twitter, or trying to get a glimpse of them at Comic Con during a panel. These are not really stalking, because this a public display which people have put out there and welcomed the general public to experience.  However, when someone then projects back toward that celebrity or interested individual in an unwelcome way, by following them privately, or attempting to make contact after being warned not to ... that's stalking.

Wikipedia says:

Although stalking is illegal in most areas of the world, some of the actions that can contribute to stalking can be legal, such as gathering information, calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing or instant messaging. They become illegal when they breach the legal definition of harassment e.g. an action such as sending a text is not usually illegal, but is illegal when frequently repeated to an unwilling recipient. In fact, United Kingdom law states the incident only has to happen twice when the stalker should be aware their behavior is unacceptable e.g. two phone calls to a stranger, two gifts following the victim then phoning them etc.[6]

The Violence Against Women Act of 2005, amending a United States statute, 108 Stat. 1902 et seq, defined stalking as "engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to— 

(A) fear for his or her safety or the safety of others;
(B) suffer substantial emotional distress."[7]

My ex husband stalked me when I tried to leave him. He would show up at the house, at my work, or following my car, and all were uninvited.  One night he even entered my parents house unknown to them and slipped into my room upstairs, when I was trying to get away from him. The stalker injects himself into your world, forcing his presence upon you, without concern whether you want him there or not.  He has no regard for your feelings on the matter. I've had more than my fair share of stalkers, without the fame and fortune that you would have thought accompanied such interest.  But I do tend to tell it like it is and call people out, and stalker personalities don't like that.  I also tend to say No which they don't like.

In "A Study of Stalkers" Mullen et al.. (2000)[16] identified five types of stalkers:

• Rejected stalkers pursue their victims in order to reverse, correct, or avenge a rejection (e.g. divorce, separation, termination). 
• Resentful stalkers pursue a vendetta because of a sense of grievance against the victims – motivated mainly by the desire to frighten and distress the victim. 
• Intimacy seekers seek to establish an intimate, loving relationship with their victim. To many of them the victim is a long-sought-after soul mate, and they were 'meant' to be together. 
• Incompetent suitors, despite poor social or courting skills, have a fixation, or in some cases, a sense of entitlement to an intimate relationship with those who have attracted their amorous interest. Their victims are most often already in a dating relationship with someone else. 
• Predatory stalkers spy on the victim in order to prepare and plan an attack – often sexual – on the victim. 

I've sadly had at least one of each, and really the bad ones sorta meld most of those into one. It starts with rejection, and that leads to a vendetta, and then they turn to predators intent on screwing with the target.  One fellow threatened to kill my horse if I didn't go out with him, and I lost it on him with many an F-bomb.  He never bothered me again, because I showed that I was not to be intimidated. The one date I did go on with him, was quite a scary one, and I was not going to go back for a second round. Screw that!

Many stalkers[quantify] fit categories with paranoia disorders. Intimacy-seeking stalkers often have delusional disorders involving erotomanic delusions. With rejected stalkers, the continual clinging to a relationship of an inadequate or dependent person couples with the entitlement of the narcissistic personality, and the persistent jealousy of the paranoid personality. In contrast, resentful stalkers demonstrate an almost “pure culture of persecution,” with delusional disorders of the paranoid type, paranoid personalities, and paranoid schizophrenia.[16]

Stalkers for whatever reason, not only can't let go, but hate that loss of power over their target.  This can be a reaction to rejection, something they can't comprehend.  In order to maintain control over the person who saw the games and smartly left, they monitor this person whether through other people, the internet, or in the traditional manner of following.  I still shudder when I look in my rearview mirror and someone is following too closely.  When they use other people to stalk, the stories change dramatically.  They may present themselves as the victim. They may say they are worried about the target.  They may say they are sorry. It doesn't matter what "excuse" they have, the behavior is unacceptable.

In my experience, I have seen them all.  The sad thing is that stalkers think they are so original, but they all have the same tricks.  The one that should make you worry the most is if they say they are worried about the mental state of the target, especially if they make it sound like the target is suicidal. This means they may be setting themselves up for an alibi. When i went back to work after being kidnapped, raped, and almost killed, I found a letter post-marked the day of my abduction from my attacker. In it he said that I was suicidal and that he was going to leave me alone. Obviously this was not the case as he immediately went to my house and attacked me.  If you have a friend trying to get away from someone and that someone calls you telling you how in love with them your friend is, and that your friend is suicidal, you should keep a close eye on your friend. The stalker just projected onto your friend his obsession, and may have dubious intentions.

The main way I was able to stop it with my ex, was exposure.  These people love their secrets, and hate an audience for their insanity, often choosing to make these assertions over the phone or in less recordable ways than text.  Accountability is a fear, because they know what they are doing is wrong, so holding people accountable for their actions is your best defense. When I caught my ex following me, I got on the phone and pulled over in a public spot.  He stormed out of the car, but when he saw that I was in an active conversation, he changed his tune immediately as I loudly let my parents know that he was following me. As per usual, crocodile tears were his next move, and attempts to rally my family to his side. Looking back, I should have called 911 instead.  Stupid me was still trying to help him because I felt sorry for him for being so broken. These sympathies for psychos have been since revealed to be nothing more than them playing people for control.  Thusly they no longer work on me, much to stalker chagrin.

When dealing with a stalker, document everything, and have a backup with a friend, especially a law enforcement and private investigator friend.  Stalkers are cowards. They don't want people knowing their dirty little stalker secrets, so don't let them make you walk on eggshells about it.  It's that mentality that attracted them in the first place.

I have a friend who does have the fame to attract a number of stalkers of her own, noticeably more while she was letting a demure lady do her PR.  However when she took it over and did it herself, the strength of her personality and force of nature that is her, put an end to those incursions.  Stalkers look for a hook, a chink in your armor to wheedle into, and if you don't provide one, they are powerless.

Stalkers will belittle you for all the things that you would do to protect yourself or even defend yourself, from the childish "you're mean" where their feelings are the only ones that matter while they stomp all over yours ... to the "a good Christian/woman/whatever" wouldn't act like that.  Basically they are setting up the parameters for good and evil, and you have no input in them. Don't let them. They are not God, and they need to stop trying to do His/Her job, because they are not qualified... although whether qualified for the other position is debatable at times.

I had one stalker show up at my place of employment years after parting ways.  Though she wouldn't drive near my house to let me read a contract, she went out of her way to go to my new place of employment and badmouth me to get me kicked out.  Information went missing on my computer, and I overheard the people there talking about it the next day.  Just when I was questioning whether I had heard them correctly (thinking that a sane person wouldn't do such a thing-well that's true), I heard them say ... "You don't think she heard us do you?"  No one ever questioned why someone would be walking in there to stir up trouble. That should have set off some red flags, but instead they jumped on board her victim express and enabled a stalker, while I'd just been moving on with my life.  And the worst thing I did was leave and take my art with me to do my own thing.

The worst of this is cyberstalking. Some people like to not only bother you personally, but the internet allows them to construct alternate identities and personas with which to pester you. This makes them a bitch to nail down, harder than "Hey 911... jerk's on my roof". There are people who are scarily adept at this because they've been doing it for a long time. However make no mistake, there are still laws that make it illegal.

When identifying cyberstalking "in the field," and particularly when considering whether to report it to any kind of legal authority, the following features or combination of features can be considered to characterize a true stalking situation: malice, premeditation, repetition, distress, obsession, vendetta, no legitimate purpose, personally directed, disregarded warnings to stop,harassment, and threats.[7]

A number of key factors have been identified:

• False accusations. Many cyberstalkers try to damage the reputation of their victim and turn other people against them. They post false information about them on websites. They may set up their own websites, blogs or user pages for this purpose. They post allegations about the victim to newsgroups, chat rooms, or other sites that allow public contributions such as Wikipedia or Amazon.com.[8]
• Attempts to gather information about the victim. Cyberstalkers may approach their victim's friends, family, and work colleagues to obtain personal information. They may advertise for information on the Internet, or hire a private detective.[9]
• Monitoring their target's online activities and attempting to trace their IP address in an effort to gather more information about their victims.[10]
• Encouraging others to harass the victim. Many cyberstalkers try to involve third parties in the harassment. They may claim the victim has harmed the stalker or his/her family in some way, or may post the victim's name and telephone number in order to encourage others to join the pursuit. 
• False victimization. The cyberstalker will claim that the victim is harassing him/her. Bocij writes that this phenomenon has been noted in a number of well-known cases. 
• Attacks on data and equipment. They may try to damage the victim's computer by sending viruses. 
• Ordering goods and services. They order items or subscribe to magazines in the victim's name. These often involve subscriptions to pornography or ordering sex toys then having them delivered to the victim's workplace. 
• Arranging to meet. Young people face a particularly high risk of having cyberstalkers try to set up meetings between them.[11]

Cyberstalking and Stalking are crimes.  Those who perpetrate them are criminals. Report them. Ignoring them rarely makes them go away, because they are actively hunting their victims and do not respect boundaries. They want to win, to dominate, and to control.  The victim attempted to escape from that.  Don't pull them back in, and don't let the stalkers win. If someone does not want to talk to another, respect that boundary, because they may have a very good reason for cutting that person out of their life.