Scary Moments

Evee our lovable pup

Freak out moment, here, when our dog Evee jumped up and started barking at something. Normally when she thinks she hears something, she sort of barks as if in question without much umph behind it, and if she does move, she goes toward the front door.  This was not one of those times.  She dashed up as if someone had rung the doorbell barking adamantly at something and went to the back door at an angry run.  Then she ran round to the front looking through the windows. When I opened the front door she didn't relent her search as easily as with false alarms. Normally the door opens and she glances left and right and is done.  This time she stared intently, sniffing the air.  Something wasn't right, and she seemed sure of it.

After a perimeter check, all seems clear. Keeping an eye open for movement, while Trenton gives Morgan a bath.  Yeah, I may be the most probable victim, but I'm also the best eyes and ears in the house.  In D&D terms, I have one heck of a spot check.  After all, when Trenton gets home, I'm the one that tells Evee half the time and then she gets up and barks.  So I'm sitting here with Evee and keeping an eye out.  For the most part we've been going about our lives, but now I'm on edge and scanning for movement. However I'm not really afraid and somewhat calm. I suppose being not only armed, but having proved proficient with firearms has instilled a long lost sense of security.

It was weird carrying a gun at first, but now it feels no different than carrying a swiss army knife, like I used to in high school.  It doesn't feel as much like a weapon, but a tool in case I need it.  Firing the gun more has made me more comfortable that I not only can use it if I need to, but that it won't go off unless I intend it to.

Still I'm a little concerned about the next date... November 11, would have been the wedding anniversary to the monster.  Wouldn't be surprised if he waited till then to do something.  Hoping the restrictions on him are enough to keep that from happening, and that this was some random false alarm.

This past weekend I went back to my hometown to visit my parents' for my mother's 70th birthday.  Although I feel relatively settled and safe here, it was different being in a house that the monster had snuck into that very room in the middle of the night. Memories flooded me and it just secured something I realized a while back, this will never feel like home again, which is very sad.  Every time I pass... I think it's mile marker 183 on 75 South, I can't help but recall the scary nightmare ride where Liam drove me 90 mph toward the interstate threatening to kill me because I dare say that I wasn't happy with him, and that we might want to consider divorce. I responded with, "if I live through this, I'll still divorce your ass" ... and he changed his tune.

Going back there, doesn't feel like going home. It feels like another life of someone else.  I am not that same person.  So much inside of me died then, but other things were reborn.  I can't say that everything I took away from the experience was bad, after all, I learned a lot. Certainly not all of its effects were good either.  However I did learn who my true friends were, by their reactions to it. Their numbers have dwindled but their quality increased.

One of the scarier aspects of going back to the folks' house was that Liam's parole officer is actually fairly close to there and could put him in probable range.  He has a dopple-ganger in the area as it is that is the Monroe County Commissioner (I think his name is Michael Bielderbeck) and if I were to even run into him, it would be too much.

I thought I just saw a shadow, but no reaction from Evee this time. Hopefully it was just one of the neighborhood cats that strolls through our backyard thanks to us planting catnip. Between the alarm, the dog, the guns, and a husband who wouldn't hesitate to introduce the ex to Castle Laws... I am trying to stay vigilant, but like I said, not as worried as before. And really, I'm not entirely sure why, except that on the whole, I'm tired of being scared.  I'm staying safe, but not out of fear anymore, it's more out of a protective nature.  This is my life, my home, my family, and I will not let him damage anything of mine again.