The Strong Dog Never Barks

"The strong dog never barks."

First off, I am reserved, and do have social anxiety as part of my C-PTSD.  Also I have a nurturing side that wants to help people.  I try to be helpful and empathetic without being forceful.  Kindness and compassion are not loud qualities.  They are quiet. They listen, they observe, and they understand.

The moment that your mouth starts moving or you're thinking of what to say next, you aren't listening.  If you aren't listening, you can't understand, and if you can't understand, you can't truly empathize.  Part of this comes from not taking the emotions of other people personally.  Even if a person feels very different from yourself, you have to be able to look at the whole picture and realize that their emotions are not a necessity of action on your part. Their feelings are theirs, and real, and usually valid, but feelings are not always a true reflection of reality, and may come from a skewed perspective which has to be taken into account. Feelings have to be addressed in order to turn into action, but often expressed will lead to better actions, as long as it's a 2-way street.

It's not the feeling that's a problem.  It's when those feelings are used as justifications for actions against another person.  It is possible to listen and understand without giving up your own power. This requires focus and control over one's self, instead of negating someone else's emotions to feel safe. You can validate another's emotions without sharing them, but you have to be strong in yourself and in your own understanding in order to do this. As two-thirds of the population never reach the final stages of mental development to be capable of abstract thought, it is not the norm.  However it is worth reaching for, and in that maturity comes a freedom and a realization that others cannot change who you are and what you believe by simply being different.  And it is not up to you to change them to conform to your ideals, but to accept them as they are.

So many people are afraid of the emotions of others.  While some people are forced into a walking on eggshells environment, others walk on eggshells because they cannot handle the emotions of others, much less their own.  This is the wrong kind of quiet.  There is no strength in this quiet.  And you cannot live your life oppressed by the constant worry about the feelings of others and fear of how they might react.  And they have no right to not show concern for yours or avoid consequences for their emotionally based actions.  It's also wrong to remain silent if you have a grievance.  It cannot be fixed if a grievance is not addressed.  Sometimes people who you fear upsetting, will be very glad you were open with them and want to address it.  Sometimes people are selfish beasts who don't care.  Only one can you have a relationship with, and the latter you are better off without.  There is no reasoning with unreasonable people, but if you never try, you'll never know.

There are nasty evil people in the world, and unfortunately they tend to be attracted to the quiet ones, the ones who they think they can manipulate and control into oppressed silence. The majority of quiet people look weak to social predators because they are quiet, and this they take for weakness and prime prey.  However introverts are prone to absorbing more information, which is one of the reasons that they are quiet.  There's so much going on, tiny little cues, environmental stimuli, and other factors that are all being taken in that extroverts sometimes miss.  This observational quiet can be a strength.

Certainly I have my share of stories to tell, and after I've gotten a feel for the person, I become far more inclined to share.  By this time some people assume that I'm some shy doe or sometimes a doormat... when I'm just then starting to relax and be myself, neither is a correct assessment.  However those who push that, soon learn.  Meek does not mean weak.

If after I know you, I remain quiet, it's because I have ascertained that you will not listen, so I don't waste my energy. However when pushed, an INTP, like myself, has a habit of unleashing all the knowledge that we have been silently gathering, all the connections that we've put together, and can paint a perfect portrait of you with words that cover every tarnished corner of your soul with exacting irrefutable detail.  This explosion of factual truths can be a horrific thing to behold, especially to those living a lie. However this is not something that an INTP wants to do, rather is pushed to do in response to a determined unyielding foe.  This restraint is not out of fear, but often out of courtesy, but patience eventually wears thin.  When that resolve to action arrives its strength is of steel that cuts through marrow and bone to the very heart of matters.  The reaction to this quiet person's sudden verbosity is often shock and horror, and seems so out of character, when in fact it is perfectly within character for the reserved INTP.  Reserved does not mean incapable, it only means that they are choosing to hold back in favor of observing.  This is not out of weakness, but fortitude of self control, and saving such things for when the action is truly called for as a response.

“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man." ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

This is why the unassuming elderly asian man with a walking stick could theoretically be more dangerous than the witless teen flexing his biceps.  However the elderly man also has the wisdom to choose his battles.  A quiet person knows enough by observing to figure out what a person fears, because it's the same thing that they use to frighten others.

Fear not the braggart who touts his skills and throws his weight around.  Fear the quiet one in the corner, who knows he doesn't need to convince people of his medal.  His strength is not measured in public opinion. It lies deep within him, and is neither strengthened nor reduced by the perceptions of others whether it be physical, emotional, or mental prowess.  Therefore that strength requires no social validation to exist, because it simply is.

One of the memes I've been liking lately says it best.  Sometimes strength is not the roar of a lion, but the quiet voice that says "tomorrow I will try again".  Such is the inner strength of the quiet, who are strong enough in themselves to not be afraid when small dogs come barking.