A New Holster

Yesterday I got my holster in the mail.  Previously I had been carrying my Ruger in a fanny pack of doom.  Unfortunately the fanny pack was not keen on the weight and the seams began to give way under the stress.  Just in time, my holster finally arrived.

I wanted something more concealable, which is why I went with the slim line of the Ruger LC9.  I've since decided that I'm not a big fan of the long pull on the trigger. It tends to pull my aim down and to the left.  However we are getting a modification of that and I'm still hitting center mass.

Going for concealable, I opted for the Crossbreed holster as recommended by a friend with far more experience than I.  The Crossbreed fits inside my pants at the belt level, which makes it easy to cover with a shirt or jacket.

As I was putting it on this morning for the first time, and noticed how the handle was at my ribs, I remembered a quote...

"The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved." - Matthew Henry in Commentary on the Whole Bible, Vol. 1, under Genesis 2:21

When that popped into my mind, I laughed, and amended, "... and if that doesn't work, there's a gun at your rib to protect you from him."  And now that I type it, I realize that was much funnier in my head.  Ah well, they can't all be gems.

For the last 12 years, I rued the day that the ex walked free, but now that it's here and we're prepared, the fear has evaporated.  In the end I did the one thing that he ultimately feared, and that was "hold him accountable".  He was so used to getting away with things, sweet talking people out of action, and in general weaseling his way.  Also he was very good at picking people that he thought he could manipulate with religion and guilt, and he's lost his foothold in my circle.  So I anticipate that he will look for someone younger, more gullible, more religious, and less aware.  

It makes me shiver for the next poor victim, and I say this because leopards don't change their spots.  He is what he is, but I think he'll go for an easier target.  After all, I'm no longer his type.  He'll probably drum up a story about how awful horrible I was and that I deserved every bit, if I get brought up. He liked to project his actions on me to soak in the victim role.  So I'm sure he'll do that with some well meaning innocent, whose heart aches for the poor abused Liam or Bill, whatever he goes by now.  He may mock the weight I gained or demean me in other ways that are less risky, but probably not risk more accountability. Because at the core of it, predators are cowards and prey on those they think are weak.  Although I can be shy and reserved, I'm not weak.  It does attract those types and so I have tried to force myself to be more outgoing, but I'm an introvert.  

Really I'm just determined to be me, because there's nothing wrong with "who I am".  Behaviors are mutable and adjustable, but who I am is good, and nobody has the right to change it. I am determined to be outspoken, to live my life the way I see fit, and to be myself to spite the people like him who tried to change me and force me into some 50s misogynistic mold of wife.  I may not be perfect, but then nobody is.  However I've worked hard to see things as they really are, to tell it like it really is, and those qualities have protected me from attempts to gaslight me and helped me see through lies. It makes me at times uncomfortable company, especially to those who like lies and sugar coating, but it's not like I don't use some manner of tact. 

At the end of the day as the Russian proverb says, I'd rather be slapped with a truth than kissed with a lie.  I appreciate it when people are open and real with me too, and have little tolerance for those who are not.  It took a measure of growing up to realize that I did not have to live by the opinions of others, and to trust myself.  Oddly enough, by being this way, people value that quality, and at times cannot go back to living in the lies of others.  Once you've had a healthy relationship, it's hard to accept anything else. I may not have a huge quantity of friends, but I'd like to think that the quality is pretty high.  It's not like I'm 100% healthy myself, I'm still a work in progress, and will be till the day I die.  However I'm doing it for myself out of a desire to be better, and not to please others.  Those who have tried to abuse and change me always called me stubborn, but my strength of will is not "stubborn". It is the reason I'm still here, and the reason that what failed to kill me, made me stronger.  It's the reason I can do the things I can do by applying it to learning and growth.  The only reason it was put in a negative light, was because it was the barrier of self respect that prevented me from being abused and they wanted it out of the way.  But the castle gates only close when under attack, and I've had enough experience to know a raiding party when I see one.