However not all people reach interdependence, or independence for that matter. They are stuck in an eternal cycle of dependence. This lack of emotional or physical independence can be the source of many personality disorders. People with Dependent Personality Disorder in many ways resemble the children they were, stuck in the past at an unchanging point of development.
"Dependent individuals avoid situations that require them to accept responsibility for themselves; they look to others to take the lead and provide continuous support. DPD judgment of others is distorted by their inclination to see others as they wish they were, rather than as they are. These individuals are fixated in the past. They maintain youthful impressions; they retain unsophisticated ideas and childlike views of the people toward whom they remain totally submissive. Individuals with DPD view strong caretakers, in particular, in an idealized manner; they believe they will be all right as long as the strong figure upon whom they depend is accessible."
These lost children in a fully mature body seek caretakers to replace the parents that they were dependent upon to avoid taking care of themselves. Often this person can be a lover and the weight of responsibility for the Dependent's physical and emotional needs fall fully on the shoulders of the caretaker. These demands go far beyond that of a normal relationship, because the dependent person cannot take care of themselves in the most simple ways. As opposed to someone grappling with grief or PTSD in which their ability to handle things has been damaged, the dependent person has convinced themselves they can't before they even try, and usually has someone willing to help, which ultimately enables the dependent to not change or learn to handle things on their own. Holding a crying baby is a lot harder when the baby is a fully grown human. It can suck the resources and energy of the one being leaned on, when the person leaning is actually capable of taking care of themselves, but as long as someone is willing to do it for them, they never grow, they never learn, and they never change. This is called enabling, and the caretaker might not always be the most healthy person emotionally themselves.
A need to caretake to an extreme is one of the signs of a codependent. Much like the dependent, the Codependent really wants someone to take care of them, but they go about it in a round about manner or are more domineering about it. They do for others what they expect to be done for them, and if it is not done, they can fall to depression or lash out to try to get what they feel they earned. In some ways letting the codependent assume the care-taking position is allowing them control and it begins to look a lot like being in debt to the mob.
There is a subclass of codependents known as inverted or covert narcissists. The inverted narcissist is not the flashy Peter Pan, but his boon companion and counter-part. Instead of the crowing and bragging of an open narcissist, the co-narcissist is more subtle in its means."
"Inverted or "covert" narcissists are people who are "intensely attuned to others' needs, but only in so far as it relates to [their] own need to perform the requisite sacrifice"—an "inverted narcissist, who ensures that with compulsive care-giving, supplies of gratitude, love and attention will always be readily available ... [pseudo-]saintly." Vaknin considered that "the inverted narcissist is a person who grew up enthralled by the narcissistic parent... the child becomes a masterful provider of Narcissistic Supply, a perfect match to the parent's personality. In everyday life, the inverted narcissist "demands anonymity ... uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him ... [with] praise that cannot be deflected." Recovery means the ability to recognize the self-destructive elements in one's character structure, and to "develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself."
Narcissists too are heavily dependent on others, but their dependence is not physical, in fact they can appear very independent and often powerful which appeals to the codependent as what they aspire to be. However the dependence of those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is of a more subtle and psychological nature. Peter Pan needs his lost boys to make him look powerful. In order to make a show of power, one has to have power over another. Moreso the main quality of a narcissist is a need for narcissistic supply. When a narcissist creates his own fiction for the world he wishes to be real, where he is the great and powerful, omnipotent Pan of Neverland, he has to have it affirmed regularly to quiet the noise within himself of reality trying to sneak in and take away Neverland where he is king. His spell only lasts so long as people are willing to believe and therefore non-belief is a punishable offense. To avoid this, the narcissist delves into magical thinking as an excuse for his actions, also he surrounds himself with people to support those notions and give them validity. Sycophants tell him what he wants to hear, feeding his ego that he is the person he dreams himself to be, and lashing out or rejection of those who do not support his fiction. This is oft called the Peter Pan complex for a reason, because they are the boys who never grow up, and as we know the independence physically may not be the maturity of independence emotionally.
The theory of immaturity leading to abuse, is not a new one. It was in the literature given to me after my attack by my ex. But the immaturity link is that stage of dependence specifically that creates these monsters. The longer I was with my ex, the more I thought that he was an overgrown 3 year old, and after having a 3 year old, it only confirmed the notion. The leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, was compared in the same way in a biography by one of his children, that he was less a father and more like an overgrown spoiled child that got what he wanted because he was bigger. I'd said almost the same exact thing about my ex who seemed to follow a similar personality. In the biography, he was dependent on his wife and so demanding that she had to sneak away just to feed and care for their children.
Over the years, I had to overcome my own battle with care-taking, tipping into codependence. I was the one to nurture the wounded, and my favorite stuffed animal was the one that was damaged and rescued from the trash. I hated the idea of those vestiges of love being discarded. With that, I had my own issues, mainly with my authoritarian father. It's taken a lot of work and learning to overcome, and I still have tendencies that I must guard against. From stray cats to stray people I wanted to take them in and heal them, give them a chance to get on their feet, which is where I broke from normal codependence. I was trying to help people work toward their independence, getting their life together and moving on to the next stage. I did not want to care for them forever. Even parents don't want that for their children. The goal is to raise them to be responsible healthy adults both physically and mentally. It's not to keep them dependent all their lives, but to teach them how to take care of themselves. This is what I was trying to do, give them a leg up in a time of need, when they needed a break. I wanted for them success and growth, but more often than not, they were dependents looking for another person to leech off of before moving on to the next mark. They had no interest in every becoming self sufficient. There were a few exceptions who actually got on their feet and got out and were actually grateful for the help to recover. But most were just using up one person and then moving on to the next, always living off others without interest in getting a place of their own or moving forward with their life. They weren't grateful but resentful when the patience and resources dried up. Often this turned to a story of me being evil after having sacrificed MUCH to help them, and they used that pity to move in with the next mark. One girl was so adept at burning bridges that the cycle was painfully obvious as she would last no more than 3 months before going on to the next mark.
Through helping these dependent personalities, incapable of taking responsibility for themselves, much less their actions, I started to see patterns emerge. Emoting was the name of the game. If you've ever had a child, then you know that tears and emotions are high in children. This is no less different with their overgrown emotionally immature counterparts. They cry and scream when they don't get what they want. They say purposefully hurtful and hateful things, whenever disciplined or held accountable. They are exceptionally moody when they are hungry or tired. They cry for many reasons that as an adult and a parent, a person should be able to reason through what is valid and what is simply a cry for attention and control. Because make no mistake, if a child can get away with it, they will, and the same holds true for their bigger counterparts. They learn to lie, manipulate, and use drama to control the person they want to give them something whether it's a roof over their heads or sex. Emotions are their weapons, their tools, and they will put more energy into that than doing any form of work to further their own independence.
The inroad of overgrown children comes from playing on sympathies, which each becomes a master. That's how they landed in your home, eating your food, using your internet, destroying your property, ignoring your rules, and basically wearing out their welcome. Most are masters of navigating the waters of emotions to get what they want. After having my child, Morgan, I couldn't help but notice similarities in children trying to get what they want. Crocodile tears became obvious to a mother's eyes, and so did the acts of these overgrown children. It was the emotional drama of children, the emotional reasoning of "but I want it" or "I just don't feel like it" that garnered their control over their situation as a dependent. To stay dependent, to keep their cozy enabled life, they had to become adept in manipulating emotions. When someone uses their preferences and feelings as a baseline for action, it makes them in charge, because there is no concrete or real reasoning to be contradicted.
This is where I started to see another pattern emerging over several dependents, they wanted to be in charge. They wanted to be in control, because their lives feel out of control, because THEY are out of control. They wanted to be the most important and subjugate or look down on the caretaker, while not working in a way to make forward momentum and be a valuable member of the group. Universally they did not want any of the responsibility that came with being in charge. You cannot be dominant and dependent at the same time. They did not want to make money, but they wanted to have all the money and control how it was spent, usually disregarding things like bills. And while some were aggressive if only emotionally in this way, more were likely to whine, guilt trip, or create other drama to stir up emotions so that the other person, wanting only peace would cave into their demands, much as a child will scream and cry to get something. If the parent caves, they learn that THAT is how to get what they want. This is why it is so important as a parent to stand by your decisions and not cave, to make your Yeses always mean Yes and your Nos always mean No.
Obviously the best example is a child asking mom, and when mom says no, they run to dad who will say yes. Kids and immature adults will go where they see results. Although it will not create a healthy lifestyle it will attain them their immediate needs or more likely wants, as most children think anything they want is a need. This impulsive nature is rooted in immaturity and the inability to prepare for the future or work toward long term goals. Instead they dominate others to satisfy spontaneous desires that eat into long term goals. Like children who cannot see beyond the week, the immature dependent adult will squander what is given instead of save and work toward something that they need. Often this can be seen in a lot of addictive personalities, who again are dependent and therefore attract care-takers. They will spend money on drugs instead of their children, because they are not interdependently mature enough to accept social responsibility.
Obviously the best example is a child asking mom, and when mom says no, they run to dad who will say yes. Kids and immature adults will go where they see results. Although it will not create a healthy lifestyle it will attain them their immediate needs or more likely wants, as most children think anything they want is a need. This impulsive nature is rooted in immaturity and the inability to prepare for the future or work toward long term goals. Instead they dominate others to satisfy spontaneous desires that eat into long term goals. Like children who cannot see beyond the week, the immature dependent adult will squander what is given instead of save and work toward something that they need. Often this can be seen in a lot of addictive personalities, who again are dependent and therefore attract care-takers. They will spend money on drugs instead of their children, because they are not interdependently mature enough to accept social responsibility.
At the end of the day, when dealing with a domineering dependent, you have to learn to treat them like the mental children they are, because reason and logic usually will not penetrate the child-like and overly emotional mind. The most important thing is to establish boundaries, but like the parent with No, you cannot cave, because the moment you do not hold to that boundary, you have told them that it doesn't really matter. When you say No, mean it. When you say yes, mean it. If you don't want to do it, then don't. Don't play games, for those too are for children. Tell it like it is. This does not mean flavoring it with emotions, villainizing anyone, it just means tell it like it is. "I can no longer afford to support you, you have got to get a job or move out." "Although I like you as a person, I don't think it's wise to continue to party with you." "I need to tend to my own needs, and you need to tend to your own." Whatever boundary that you need to set, set it, and stand by it. Don't let a dependent bleed you dry whether financially or just in exhausting your energy. Lead by example and show them how by taking care of yourself.
What most dependents do not comprehend is that it can be a very selfish act to always think about other people instead of yourself, because it leaves a hole in its wake for someone else to clean up. It is selfish to not take responsibility and care for yourself, because you are unwilling to do it. That means that the act of being dependent instantly becomes a social burden, because someone else will have to expend time, money, and energy to do it. Expecting someone else to care for you (when you are capable of caring for yourself), whether a friend, a parent, or the government is a terribly selfish and irresponsible act. Even worse is to be dependent and want to be in charge. If you can't take care of yourself, how are you supposed to tell other people what to do or care for someone else? If you cannot do it, then you have no authority or right to tell someone else how to do it. This can apply to family, friends, and voting. Never accept the advice of someone who is not successful in the area which they are advising. Stop being so selfish and think about yourself - take care of yourself, take responsibility, and in the act, you will find maturity. Stop being a burden to others by not working if you can work. And then, when you can do for yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically, maybe then you have a platform to be interdependent, to work with others instead of to meddle or try to control others. One is healthy interaction and the other is toxic to everyone involved. When you truly become interdependent, you will know that most people, except a few genuine exceptions, CAN take care of themselves, and CAN make their own decisions for their lives. Anything else is immature, and we don't need to enable the immature, but give them opportunities to further themselves at which point it is their responsibility to accept, and by accepting an opportunity with the responsibility it entails, they can't help but grow.
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