Don't go for the Groin!

Athena - Goddess of War and Wisdom

Still hanging in there, still trying to not only maintain a quality of life and safety, but looking into martial arts again.  So many things have not been available in the past due to money or more often not being able to pay a babysitter and the cost of classes at the same time. Morgan is reaching an age now though that should allow us a little more freedom in that area, and we always said, she wasn't allowed to date till she got a black belt.

Presently we are looking into Krav Maga and hoping at some point to get back into fencing as well.  The most useful things I learned were not from my red belt in Tae Kwon Do but my lessons in Wing Chun and grappling from Francis Fong in Gwinnett. I never tested, but we all learned and worked on the same useful techniques, regardless of belts.  It was far more like actual fighting, when I did end up in a couple through out my life.

This brings to mind the single bit of advice that I was told since I was a child that was the most useless and dangerous bit of misinformation that anyone could have ever told me.

"Go for the crotch"

I would like to point out that I kicked Liam in the crotch twice while he was tying me up and it was downright useless.  This was a man that regularly exercised is neck muscles to prevent from being choked.  All a foot to the groin did, was make him angrier and more determined to hurt me.

There was another instance as a 12 year old girl where going for the crotch was equally disastrous.  First of all, kneeing someone in the groin while waist deep in water, is not going to work.  And when I tried to scratch in that general area as I had been taught, it only invited some serious trouble ... trouble that ended in me being literally held under water and drowned ... as in breathed in water, out of body experience ... drowned.

So from experience I can say, that is the most rubbish piece of advice that people who know nothing are all to happy to tell girls, which makes them foolishly feel like they can CTRL/ALT/DEL out of any male attack.

Also, you are often told to scream, and now they want you to blow a bloody rape whistle.  What you have to understand is that people are so absolutely terrified of being sullied by rape that if you scream rape, you are probably not going to get any help.  Self Defense articles recommend yelling "Fire" instead, because people are far more likely to come to your aid or call the authorities.

When I was at Comic Con one year, I was in the bathroom listening to 2 cleaning ladies talk.  It was early in the day, so only vendors were in the hall and it was just me in the stall.  The one lady was talking of how some girl was screaming for help and looking to her to help her, and her response was to be offended "like I was going to help her and risk getting hurt".  The fact is that you can't depend on others to come to your aid.  In a recent interview by Joss Whedon, he regaled a story of his youth, being mugged and beaten in the middle of the streets in New York, while people walked by and no one lifted a finger to help.  It is literally amazing the amount of things that humans will turn a blind eye to for the sake of "not getting involved".

So it's best to assume that unless you can get to a phone to call 911, which will be tricky, that you're going to have to try some other way to disentangle from your attacker.

GO FOR THE EYES

One of the problems with many women is not being able to hurt someone else.  Well, in this case, you're going to have to get over it, or else you're the one going to get hurt.  Instead of the crotch, go for the eyes.  If they can't see you, they can't get to you. It hurts, it's not life threatening, and it should give you a window to escape while inhibiting any further pursuit.

GO FOR THE THROAT

In my case I couldn't reach the eyes, and I was fighting with his hands.  He was bigger and stronger than me, and had caught me off guard.  I tried to reach his throat and squeeze, but that only invited him to choke me.  Don't go for a choke.  Go for a sharp hard jab to the wind pipe.  This will constrict breathing and should distract them enough to create a window to escape.

Why am I suggesting escape?  Because staying to try and fight it out is not your best option.  It's an invitation for more damage.  The best thing is to get away and call 911.

DON'T BE A VICTIM

Fight back!  You won't regret it.  You will regret the things you didn't do.  Also, fight with your mind.  Tell them that what they are doing is wrong.  Tell them it's rape.  Don't leave any room for them to misinterpret. Predators often go after easy prey. I told one girl, that no matter how big and strong they are, you are always bigger than their little finger.  She took it to heart and when she was raped later, she almost took the guy's finger off.  She did not stop the attack, but the sheer act of fighting back empowered her.

There are many other ways to be prepared, and I'm still learning them too, by getting into Krav Maga.  I hope that you are never in a situation to need this advice, but if you are my heart goes out to you.  It's an epidemic.  The number of female friends I have who have been abused out number the ones who haven't significantly.  It only takes one man to hurt many women, and they usually do.  They usually hop from one to the next. So prepare your little girls, because there are plenty of hungry wolves out there, and more than likely, they've heard the same bad advice I did.

Entangled Child-Tyrants

Simon Helberg portraying Howard Wolowitz

If you've watched The Big Bang Theory, then you probably know the character Howard Wolowitz.  He's your typical basement dwelling geek that lives with his mother and can't quite seem to cut the umbilical cord.  It's funny to watch, and laugh at his mother's guilt tripping, and her emotionally leaning on her son and manipulating him. It makes for great comedy and entertainment, but we can see in the situational comedy that there's something not quite right about the relationship. He's too in love with his mother.

In the show, Howard's father abandoned the family, and Howard felt like he was all that his mom had left.  In a way he took on his father's role, emotionally.  Although Howard and his mother have never had intercourse, the emotional attachment is in ways that should be between spouses and not a parent child relationship.  This is why it is often referred to as emotional incest or covert incest (sometimes referred to as entangled), which of course there are degrees of severity and impact that emotional incest can have on the child. We can see that expressed through Howard's difficulty bonding with his wife-to-be that it can have long term effects on relationships.

"Covert incest occurs when a parent is unable or unwilling to maintain a relationship with another adult and forces the emotional role of a spouse onto their child instead."-Wikipedia

By forcing the child into this role, something they are not mature enough to truly grasp, the result can be a Man-Child scenario, but emotional incest can happen between either parent with either sex of a child.  The parent substitutes their spousal relationship with that of the child.  When you see a daddy's girl or a mama's boy, it doesn't seem destructive, only excessive, but the weight of a mature relationship on a child unable to meet those demands, can damage self esteem, and make them feel helpless.  They are not going through the normal processes of growth and maturity, allowed to develop naturally, but having the weight of their parents' displaced love.

"Asking a child to play the role of an adult and it is a heavy burden for most children. In many cases, the troubles shared with children (who don't have the coping skills or life experience to know how to deal with them) leave the child feeling hopeless and helpless. Rather than augmenting a child's self-esteem, the constant feeling of futility can lead to lower self worth.

It's not only parents imposing this role on their children. Some children see what is needed (or at least what they think is needed) and offer to fill the spot. For every story I hear about a parent leaning too heavily on a child, I hear about a child who wants to be seen as "the man of the house now," or "dad's caretaker." - Psychology Today

Although emotional incest is primarily found in families who have lost a mother or father through death or divorce, it can happen in couples that are still together. This occurs when one of the spouses is emotionally unavailable, or they learned it from their parents, carrying on what they learned by not even seeking to bond with their spouse as much as their child out of their own immaturity and inability to share in an adult relationship. In the absence of emotional needs being met, some seek exterior relationships, but in others, trying to maintain the family or keep to religious principles, often lean on the interior of the family, the child.

The "Super-mom" is often the perpetrator of entanglement.  When pregnant, she receives ample attention, attention that shifts to the child after birth.  In order to retain that attention she tries to be a super mom, beyond the call of duty, excessive in her grooming of her special boy.  What looks relatively harmless, and like the mother is focusing fully and completely on the child in a "saintly" way, is not as altruistic as it may appear putting undue pressure on the child to be "special".  This is the beginnings of the man-child syndrome where they take on adult expectations before learning to cope with those of a child.  The Super-Mom is all engrossing, and not conscious of enmeshing or entangling her child, because after all, she just wants what's best for him.  It might seem right to her, but the energy that should have been going into her marriage, into an intimate relationship with a spouse is all channeled into her child. This is generally because her relationship with the father is lacking or absent emotionally, or she has already grown exhausted from trying to connect with someone emotionally unavailable or incapable.  In the void of that healthy spousal support, the child becomes the pure focus.

"If a lonely Mother sees her son as special, Mother can renew her sense of life. Mother rewards Son for his specialness, and Son rewards Mother by becoming special. Instead of enjoying childhood, Son may develop adult interests and obsessions; perhaps fulfilling an immature Father’s fantasies of "My Son is my rival". A Son striving to fulfill Mother's wishes may become Mother's emotional partner." - The Little Prince

The best defense against something of this nature is a good spousal relationship.  It is the center of the family, and should be a priority. Children learn what is "normal" by watching the parental dynamic, and unless that is healthy, unhealthy reactions will happen to the most loved child.  They learn more from what you do and are, than what you say... so be healthy.

"Children suffer if parents avoid parental responsibilities, and the consequences may be severe. Children who are entangled with their parents often show codependence and obsessions throughout their lives. As adults, they often enmesh their own children" - The Little Prince

Cross-generational entanglements are common, especially if one or both parents:

• were missing, dysfunctional or dead 
• were irresponsible, childish or could not provide mature guidance 
• were addicted, obsessed, brain damaged or insane 
• were victimized, displaced or controlled by other family members 
• continually used substitutes for parenting (e.g. television, babysitters, etc) 

These signs of mother-bonded men warn of suffering for women involved with them.

• obsesses about his mother? 
• forever tries to appear special? 
• cannot maintain a mature partnership? 
• acts like a child ... or like a tyrant ... or both? 
• is narcissist - he demands attention or he leaves? 
• does not care if he damages other people's relationships? 

The Following is from an article on Emotional Incest that can be found here.

There’s the Daddy’s Little Princess effect:

Consider a simple family of Father, Mother and Daughter. It is right and wonderful that parents love their Daughter – as a daughter. If a parent needs a substitute for a partner, chaos and suffering soon follow.

If Father loves his daughter as a substitute for loving a partner, few daughters can resist his love. If Daughter feels that Mother does not appreciate Father, Daughter may try to love Father in the way that Mother seems to withhold. Mother may feel that Father and Daughter betrayed her; and withdraw.

Father’s marriage to Mother may be the first sacrifice. An entangled Daughter may ignore potential partners – except substitutes for Father. The family may not confront this issue unless Daughter becomes depressed or suicidal.

And there’s the Mommy’s Little Prince effect:

Our story begins with a pregnant mother. While pregnant, Mother likely enjoyed her femininity and the attention of her family. When Baby is born, attention often shifts from Mother to Baby. Mother may feel abandoned, perhaps showing postpartum depression. Many mothers regain family attention, approval and respect, by becoming a Super-Mom.

The husband of a Super-Mom may feel rejected, particularly if he depends upon his wife to provide meaning for his life. He may feel that a a boy baby is a rival. He may withdraw from his wife’s requests for intimacy, support or responsibility. He may become depressed and/or have intimate affairs.

A Super-Mom sees her Son as special. Mother may dream that Son will make a special contribution to the world that Mother cannot or will not make. Mother’s expectations help balance her emptiness. For Mother to feel special, Son has to be very special – or risk losing Mother’s love.

Pictures

This is going to be a difficult blog to write, because I've finally built up the courage to post a picture of the bastard.  It's really hard to even look at him and not just want to throw up.  However I took the advice of an officer friend of mine who suggested I ask for an additional patrol in my area, and they asked for a picture to help identify him.  So if I'm going to suck it up for that, I might as well suck it up for here too.  

William Thomas DeLoach, Jr. 

Registered Sex Offender

Birthday: June 14, 1967

Location: Elabell, GA

It's odd, because I glimpsed a photo of him when sending it to school to show Morgan's teachers, and he looks so different from when I knew him.  It's been 12 years after all and I certainly look different.  I was 23 when he and I started dating and he was 32, 9 years my senior.  When we married, I became his 4th wife.  None of the previous 2 lasted more than 8 months.  I held in there for a mighty 11 months, just because of sheer ability to tolerate BS.

At the time he was that tall, dark, handsome guy that worked the makeup counter at Belks in the Macon Mall, and when he chose me to date, other women were furiously jealous.  I say chose, but stalked is more like it. My friend at the time, Jerry, a girl, had recently broken up with my brother, and I was trying to help her get over it, so we went to Belks for a makeover to cheer her up.  This was new territory for me, not something I had ever done.  She specifically wanted to go to Belks for it because of the hot guy working the counter.  Well, I caught his eye, and unbeknownst to me, he put the alert out that if I walked back into Belks that they were to grab me and call him because he was smitten.  That's kind of what happened.  I walked in and a girl at the makeup counter told me all about how impressed this guy was with me, and dialed him up on the phone and handed it to me.  I was so embarrassed, and also engaged at the time which I told him.  Still I naively thought we could be friends, but he had other plans.

Looking back it's extremely creepy, that he started stalking me from the very beginning.  At the time everyone thought is was romantic and Kismet.  The jealous glares of other women who were infatuated with him, and I was the lucky girl who ended up with him. I certainly don't feel so lucky anymore... or at least not good luck.

This is the guy who charmed women constantly, was compared to actors from Stephen Seagal to Christian Bale, but apparently 12 years of prison has not been kind to him.  Maybe his outsides just started reflecting more of his inside, who knows.  After we were married, he told me he was the leader of a wiccan coven (before we were married he told me he was Catholic) and at times I wonder if it might have all been some kind of glamour.  I certainly felt like I was under a spell, but I think that was mostly being caught in his web of lies, and he was very unhappy that over time, I figured him out and could see through him.

William Thomas DeLoach, Jr. 

Registered Sex Offender

Birthday: June 14, 1967

Location: Elabell, GA

People think or say "How could you stay with someone like that?" and what they are really thinking is that the victim should have known.  No abuser comes up to you and says, "Hi I'd like to suck the life out of you".  In fact they are generally incredibly good at "getting the girl", because it's a role they inhabit, and not who they really are.  Once they feel they have you, in this case after marriage, the mask comes off, and you see who you really have.  Everything went so fast in the relationship, and I think that was part of why.  He was in a hurry to get me so he could drop the act.  

Three months after dating, he proposed to me and when he did, I hesitated.  Some red flags had started going up already, something I felt in my gut, as opposed to knowing in my head as I do now.  It seemed to fast, and I was inclined to say no.  Liam saw it on my face and it filled with rage.  At that moment I was bullied into saying yes.  NOs were not really options.  Every no I told him was overlooked or bulldozed over.  He didn't let up until I called people to tell them I was engaged.  All the while a stone in my stomach got heavier.  Meanwhile, he was the first man I'd ever had sex with, so I was being bulldozed into marriage on the religious front as well.  Mind you... I said no the first time as well, but he ended up making me feel so sorry for him, and that's how I lost my virginity.

This brings to mind another rant.  If you care about your daughters, truly care about them, you won't push them into life altering situations based on a religious status.  Jesus did not bully people into religion, he loved them, and he spent a heck of a lot more time with sinners than the stiff necked religious people. The laws were not to hurt people but to protect them from harmful situations. If you care about your daughters, as you should, you will want for them someone who will truly love and care for them, and you won't care so much about them having sex as much as you care about them as a person. Otherwise they are just property, and will feel like such. I felt so religiously weighed down that while I was pretty sure things were wrong, but there was no way I could talk to my parents about it, because they had certain hard rules, and I felt as railroaded by my family as I was by my fiancée.  

Although my brother was not a virgin groom, I was a girl and held to a double standard.  There was no such thing as divorce in our family either and when I wanted to leave, my parents kept pushing us back together, instead of trusting my judgement.  They were taken in as I was by Liam's martyrdom, and he could play the religious strings like the devil with a golden violin.  At the end of the day, they were manipulated too, but I was at ground zero screaming and no one could hear.  It wasn't until after the kidnapping, that others truly started taking the threat to me seriously.  And after surviving, I was subjected to a slew of should-haves from my brother.  I'd survived and done everything that I could in my power, a situation that a strong male couldn't fathom being put into, and condemned for not doing more... because obviously I didn't have enough on my plate.  Ever since, though I love my family, I've never felt like they would ever be on my side. By trying to force me into a religious mould, all they did was estrange me. I've become far more fond of faith and far less trusting of religion... after all Liam was a registered Baptist minister and would brag about how he could make an entire congregation cry.

William Thomas DeLoach, Jr. 

Registered Sex Offender

Birthday: June 14, 1967

Location: Elabell, GA

The thing is, that the horrors of the ex were not just one night.  That was the worst of it, sure, but it was a year and a half of ever increasing misery, isolation from others, twisting of reality, and constant devaluation.  Emotional abusers tear you up from the inside, leaving no evidence of their destruction.  Most people don't believe it, and they only see you reacting, and assume that you are the weak one, because you aren't putting on an act like the abuser.  They push you to your limits doing horrible things and when you finally blow up, you're the bad guy. In my case, he was projecting the crap he did to me, onto me in the telling, so I was not only being victimized by him but also villainized at the same time, and he was using it to feed off of and justify doing worse to me.

Now I've learned far more about emotional abuse and abusers.  I've taken to learning about why people are that way, and why they do the things they do.  I always had to understand why.  If knowledge is power, I'm more powerful now because of it, and if what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I've had enough near death scenarios to be pretty damn strong. Let's see how strong I really am now...

So here's the hard part.  I'm going to share photos of the asshat.  Okay, it's done, and I now feel ill... and usually I read back over the blog and edit some, but I just can't bring myself to do it today.  Not the looker that he once was.  Wonder if he'll still be making girls jealous.

Week 2

Journey's End ©2000 Lindsay Archer

This morning I awoke to shining pavement and signs of a good rain in the night. It was a very sleepless one.  Around 3am I keep waking up and wanting to go for a run, just to get out this nervous energy, so I settled for the exercise bike instead.

The worst part of this is that his release comes at this time of year, a time full of memory stimulators, changing leaves, holiday decor, and a change in the weather.  All which take this new worry, a feeling I haven't truly experienced since his incarceration, and it's a recipe for unbidden memories.

I still can't drink those tiny cans of coke.  When I was tied up between rapes, I remember him pacing, drinking one, and plotting things to do to me, new ways to violate my body and my privacy.

The rain brings a small bit of comfort, because if anything, the monster was keen on covering his tracks in a form of evil OCD. Wet ground means footprints, and I feel somewhat comforted that he wouldn't risk leaving a trail.

The rain does however bring to mind a rainy night that I lived, seeming right out of a novel.  I had recently showered and was in my blue nightgown, wrapped in my komono robe.  Both items I long since divested myself and the memories attached to them.

Once again, Liam had been laying into the emotional abuse, and I'd had enough, so I went to find my keys and leave in my car, but they weren't where I had left them.  Knowing him, I accused him of hiding my keys, to which he reacted as he always did when he got caught.  He laughed and then tried to make me feel bad for thinking that, but his tactics had long since worn thin on me, and I had figured him out.  One of the things I had figured out was that he had a tell when lying, not during the actual lie, because he did that flawlessly, but seemingly while waiting to see if it had worked, he would raise one eyebrow in a spock-like fashion.  As his brow raised, I knew he was lying.  There was a pile of laundry nearby, so I looked threw it and found the keys he had hidden there.

All the way to the laundry basket, he followed me with more lies until I found the keys and called him out on it.  Instantly he shifted tactics, in trying to keep me in the house. All of them were failing, shot down by my logical retorts.  When I turned to leave, I saw him starting to come at me.

Emotional abuse, is harder to combat than physical.  In this, I'd been trained.  In this I knew how to react.  The world slowed down as he swung at me.  I ducked to the outside of his swing, caught his arm with my right hand, and pulled him forward, using his momentum to pull him off balance.  Then I put him a choke hold.

Even then I couldn't hurt him.  I was just trying to lock him down where he couldn't hurt me.  I held on, trying to squeeze the air out of him so he would pass out, as he backed me into a wall at full force.  White hot pain shot threw me as the air went out of me and my head slammed into the wall.  He did it again, but I held tight.  In frustration, the threw himself onto the floor, on top of me.

In this conflict, I had won, as he switched tactics again to crocodile tears and started crying.  I held him, knowing the next move, knowing how to break his neck, but I couldn't hurt him, even after all he had done.  That basic human respect and value for life that he never had was still in me, and instead of breaking his neck or knocking him out, I got free and ran.

We lived in the boonies at the time, and he was angry we had neighbors at all.  I should have ran next door to the Sheriff's daughter, but I just ran and ran until I could run no more.  The rain was pouring down, drenching me with each chilly fall drop.  It was dark out and I was next to a field of cows when that damned fuchsia Sunfire pulled up along side me.  Liam had the window rolled down and told me to get in, but I refused.  He mocked me with that chilly laugh at my willingness to just keep walking.  The rain fell harder and harder.  Eventually I got into the car, not seeing many options ahead of me. One of the many things I wish I could go back and change that night.

When we got back to the house, of course he was feigning contriteness again and finding excuses and reasons not to be held accountable, but I kicked him out that night and told him he was crazy and that normal people don't do those things.  He drove off, and that night he admitted himself to the Coliseum Mental hospital in Macon, Ga where he deftly manipulated the well-meaning people trying to help him. I had once been one of those well-meaning people.  It's that quality that attracts people like him.  A sense of virtue brings vultures, and they circle thinking of an easy meal.

I've started blogging about these experiences when they start flooding my mind, and it's seemed to help. I share them, because I know I'm not alone.  I refuse to remain silent, because silence is the weapon of the abuser.  Secrets are their currency.  They do not deserve my consideration, and will not have my silence. Those who think that doing so is bad... I can't help but think they protest too much, and that perhaps they might be guilty of the same.  I'm an open book, and I won't change that to make other people feel comfortable.  Perhaps they are the very people who need to be made a little uncomfortable and reconsider their own actions.  The only people who are upset by the truth, are those who are living a lie (I don't recall who coined that quote, but will add when I see it again).

Even though I doubt that he'll show today, I remain armed and try to be ready.  Yesterday while putting Morgan down for a nap, Evee dog woke us with her barking, which about gave me a heart attack since I'd thought I'd seen someone near the front door earlier.  That was the extent of the excitement, so nothing more happened.

It's been a really hard week, and I find that it's much like with funerals.  People are always there right when it happens.  You get tons of people wanting to help, and then by the 3rd day, when the reality is starting to set in and you start to really fall apart, the numbers dwindle significantly.  It's those who remain supportive that are the true friends, and it becomes obvious who really cares and who doesn't. It's a rather short list.

All in all though, I think I'm feeling better about things. I hope it's not some false sense of security. In a way I've been through a whole new trauma, or at least a revisitation of the old.  Fears I haven't had in over a decade found new life.  Fears with a basis in harsh reality and experiences that changed me forever.

I can't go back to who I was before, and that's okay. I've learned so much about what to look for, how they work, and I got a degree from the University of Hard Knocks. It's made me more in tune to things that I only knew instinctually before, and given name to those things.  Ultimately it's made psychos predictable when I've met others in similar circumstances.  It's made for healthier friendships and deeper understanding.

Here's a little psychopath 101. Everybody loves a psychopath at first, but most quickly grow tired of their crap.  They are often marked by hopping from one short relationship to the next.  The ones they have are shallow and short lived.  Psychopaths are impulsive but tremendously calculating and manipulative.  They rarely have long standing friends, and the ones they do have are generally separated by distance and not close enough to see their true face.  They cycle through people, exploiting them, and are hard to distinguish at times from narcissists.  Psychopaths are born.  Sociopaths are made.  There is no cure for psychopathy.

It's hard won knowledge, and it's something that many people don't want to believe, but it's there. It's not just something on TV. Hopefully I'll put this information to good use, and maybe, just maybe someone else will learn from my experience and escape similar circumstances.

Day 5

Everybody in the house is sick, and I just can't keep up the hyper-vigilance, so relying on security system and dog.  Honestly I've kinda checked out and find myself just wanting to be alone, and not able to handle a lot of sounds... not a great thing when you have a kid.  Morgan is mad at me for being off, which makes things so much more complicated. I'm doing my best, but it's just not good enough.  Still just wanting to sleep but I can't sleep very well.  Constantly sick to my stomach, but I'm not sure if that's nerves or whatever crud has gotten the house.  Not feeling very verbose at the moment, and all of it just seems to be rehashing of nerves and worry. I guess just another symptom of checking out.  Somehow have to pull it together and be productive this week.

Day 4

The Guardian @2001 Lindsay Archer

Exhausted, and stress has taken its toll on my already crappy immune system... the same immune system that attacked my thyroid.  This morning I got up with Morgan and let Trenton sleep in... as if things weren't hard enough, he's on call this weekend and had extra work thrown at him when we could really use the downtime. He slept for 12 hours, and I got up and am feeling weak and shaky all over. I was supposed to go shoot bows with a friend today, but I don't think I could pull one if I wanted to, even if it's only 35 lbs.

I was nervous when we went out for a walk yesterday, but my dog and my gun, they comfort me.  Part of me is very angry to be put in this position, angry that they let him out, angry that it's now up to me to have to be on guard all the time.  Add that to the general anger that people like him exist, and get away with things, the anger that there are SO MANY women out there who have had similar experiences, which means men like this are everywhere and get away with it.  Also add the anger at people's stupid responses from throwing Bible verses, saying nothing could happen, claiming that you're lying cause things like that only happen on TV, to making it somehow about them, claiming they had some supernatural pre-knowledge, or that I must have done something to deserve it.  All of this makes social interactions a potential powder keg, and all of it is well meaning from people who genuinely don't understand that the only person they are making feel better is themselves.  Obviously not everybody has such responses and I say again I have some awesome friends who are very supportive and counter balance the BS.

We now know who Liam's parole officer is, so we have that contact information, and that is good. That must have been who called yesterday from Jackson, Ga.  I missed the call, but when I saw where it was from, I couldn't even listen to the voice mail and had to have Trenton listen to it.  Mostly they just left us a call back number for the parole officer, and hopefully they'll understand if I have Trenton call. Theoretically I could in fact do it myself, but when I'm freaking out, my memory, and ability to speak become impaired. So I would make it through the phone call and either instantly block it out or not be able to ask pertinent questions... yay for the crazy side effects I'm still dealing with thanks to my bad experiences.

Feeling very unsocial in general.  I'm an introvert so people in general are very draining to me, but now I'm already drained and I just can't muster the energy for social interaction.  Even responding to texts seems exhausting, making my responses rather short and hopefully not curt.  Really I don't have much to say in response.  Typing this blog or talking to close friends, I'm still quite verbose, but not to those I'm not 100% comfortable with conversing.

One thing I will say about this Halloween... it will be the scariest freaking one I've ever had!

Day 3

Earth Bound ©Lindsay Archer

The ex is now registered as a sex offender, and we have an address for him, where he will be living with his mother.  This indicates that he must have checked in with his probation officer. Honestly I was half expecting him to run off into the Appalachians and disappear since he was big into the survivalist thing, but I guess it's a good sign. Just blows my mind when he claimed his mother sexually abused him, but his sisters said that he was spoiled rotten by her.  But then he lied pathologically and his mommy bought him a shiny new lawyer for the court process.

We discovered that cops go around Atlanta on Halloween making sure that sex offenders are not handing out candy to kids.  Not sure if they'll be doing that in the little town of Ellabell, but it was a comforting thing to hear.

Yesterday I got a FB friend request from a friend of mine's stalker and it just couldn't have come at a worst time.  I'm so full up on drama that I feel like I could throw up most of the time.  I'm already looking in my rearview mirror for that damned fuchsia Pontiac Sunfire that I was tied up in the back of, since he used to follow me.

Yesterday was my appointment with my counselor.  Talking doesn't seem to be doing the trick anymore.  For the most part I'm good at knowing why I feel the way I feel, and I've had to recount the events so many times that other people get more upset than I do. It happened, and it's horrible, but I'm on the other side of it.  However, now, with this new addition, I feel like I'm screaming inside and no one can hear.  I'm wearing a mask to try and stay together for my family, but it's so hard, especially when people put demands on me, and Morgan is very demanding.  Not her fault.  To her there's not much difference from October 22 to October 23. She doesn't understand why mommy is staring out the window, or on edge, or having optical migraines. Trying to just stay prepared and be ready is exhausting, and full blown depression is seeping in, making me want to do nothing but sleep.  The weight now falls on me to be ready, because he basically goes from complete incarceration to mostly free except having to check in with a probation officer.  This seems like a drastic shift to me.

The only thing that would truly make me feel safe would be a gps tracker that would send my phone an alert when he was within 100 meters of me.  Hell they do it with tornados!  The tech is there, and it would truly help.  Just stick an anklet on violent criminals maybe for a year to ensure a transition back to integrating into society.  Probation officers could see on a terminal if the criminal went near schools or if they were in the area when a crime happened.  It just makes sense... and it makes so much sense that it won't happen... not when we have victimless crimes to gripe about... instead of real threats to society.

Amidst all of this I'm getting lots of unwanted advice from people who have no experience with this. On top of that I'm drowning in platitudes and scripture verses on one hand, and then being told if I think about him, he'll come after me on the other.  This all seems to negate free will, his free will to me, and also tends toward the victim blame end of the spectrum.  What I need are real things, real support, real answers, and real friends who don't mind listening even if I'm "negative" because I'm lacking positive thoughts. Fortunately I do have a network of loving supportive friends who are checking on me and are "there" for me.  If I didn't, I would be falling apart for more.

The thing is, the first time, I was all alone. I lived next to the Sheriff's daughter and she didn't call it in.  There was no time to call, it was sudden, unexpected, and he had waited till I was vulnerable and alone.  At the end of the day, it's up to me.  Half the people I knew then, didn't believe that I was in danger, as many don't believe now.  So this is me waiting to see if he's moved on to find wife number 5 to abuse or if he's going to come after me and finish what he started, because I held him accountable.  Regardless, I'll be looking in the rear view mirror hoping that objects appear closer than they really are...

Alien News: Dear Sarly

Our reader writes:

Dear Sarly,

I have been married for 15 years to a wonderful man, but lately he has been coming home from work later and later. The other day I thought that I smelled perfume on his shirt. His friends divert their eyes when they talk to me now. I'm sure that my husband is cheating on me, but I don't know what to do.

Please Help!

Helen


Dear Helen,

There's really not much you can do if his eyes are wandering. My suggestion is to possibly try some counseling. If that doesn't work, you should definitely eat him, in one gulp if you can. Just close your eyes and get it over with. If you don't have the ability to eat him in one gulp, just go for the head. Although if he has caused you any emotional damage, I suggest that you beat him with a stick first to soften him up before you try to digest him.

I hope that helps, Helen. It's been a tried and true solution for us Abzons for centuries. It also keeps his friends from getting the idea of doing the same to their wives.

Sincerely,

Sarly

Alien News: Large Cities and Speeding

Atlanta, Georgia - After years of accidents and speeding tickets, Atlantans may finally understand why.

Doctor Cameron Black of the Alien Relations Department of Georgia Technical College has been studying the phenomenon of Atlanta speeders for many years. By studying not only Atlanta but the outlying areas around the city, he has finally announced his conclusion, as of today at 10:00 am.

Atlanta is a thriving city that has continued to spread, encompassing DeKalb, Gwinnett, and other outer regions. As it does so, it has continued to increase its mass by bringing in materials from other areas.

Dr. Cameron Black concludes, "The physics that we see at work in Atlanta, are the same that we often see in space: the larger the mass, the more gravitational pull. The same thing is at work in cities with significant increases to its mass with greater population and construction. In the same way that the moon is attracted in an orbit around the earth, cars are drawn to the city. As they near the city of Atlanta, they pick up speed, and as they pull away from the city in an arc, they sling shot past, slowing as they reach the outside of the city limits and the city's gravitational pull."

In order to slow down this phenomenon, the Georgia Department of Transportation has worked hard to put as many obstructions in the way of would-be speeders, by doing as much meaningless construction as possible. GA DOT director, Jacob Nix, is quoted, "Georgia's roads are fine. Every now and then, if we expect heavy holiday traffic, or public events, we simply pick pick a random piece of road and tear it up. It makes us look like we know what we are doing and makes people continue to fund us. We especially like to do it during the summer time and the beginning of the Georgia Renaissance Festival when we know there will be a lot of people on the road. That's why speeding fines increase in those areas, since we are there to stop speeders and slow things down."

If this method does not work or they need a "quick fix" they have planned accidents on a weekly basis to ensure crawling traffic. As time continues on, more and more of the population employed in Atlanta prefer to orbit the city and telecommute. This has proved to be an excellent way to diminish the mass of the city and its gravitational speeding.

With the growing rate of the city, however, Atlanta may soon have to raise its speed limits or create a more defined orbit out of 285. But Jacob Nix assures us that they will continue in their methods. "I love my job," Nix says. "I get a kick out of it every time I'm driving to work and am stopped in traffic next to a sign that says decreased speed ahead. It just gives me a good feeling to know that we're doing a service for people's safety."

Alien News: Rising Gas Prices Caused by Copyright Infringement

Raised gas prices are a levy against car manufacturers for infringing on copyrighted names.

Pressure is mounting on the United States, as fuel prices continue to rise to record heights without alleviation in sight. Many blame the price increase on outdated oil refineries and the inability to cost effectively build new ones due to US restrictions. This is partially true, but not the main cause.

The real cause is import/export taxation on the United States, but not on other countries. The earth itself actually ran out of oil in the 90s. Since then, it has been importing oil from alien suppliers, and these suppliers are now squeezing the US consumers due to an unsettled legal dispute with car manufacturers.

For years automobile producers have been using names associated with stellar homes to aliens without due compensation. Citizens of Saturn and Taurus are just two of the offended parties in a long list of protesters that have participated in this legal suit.

When approached about the situation, car manufacturers ignored the complaint, claiming that the names were public domain. As a result the alien deliveries of oil from Saturn have slowly increased taxation, hoping to eliminate the gas consuming cars that bare infringed upon names, with cars that run on new fuels.

With limited results, the aliens have been less concerned with concealing their deliveries, especially to the mid east, whereas in their fast descent they appear in a fashion similar to a rocket hurdling to the earth, which has created other drastic responses.

Although other transportation technology is available, even before the alien trade embargo, it is doubtful that most americans will be able to afford the new technology. However until humans are no longer dependent on the aliens for their way of life, they may not be able to afford not to... - Ellar

Alien News: Monks have Known about Global Warming for Centuries...

Devonshire, England

Devonshire, home and namesake to the sinfully delicious Devonshire Cream, may also be home to the discovery of Global Warming.

Contrary to popular belief, global warming is apparently not a byproduct of the industrial age, with the discovery of documents long locked away in the Vatican vaults. While researching through the Vatican Library, Cornelius Nicolai stumbled across documentation from past Popes that led him to rediscover what had been apparently common knowledge to the Vatican for centuries.

Discovered December 5, 665 by Franciscan monk Brother Zachariah Callisto, global warming has been a phenomenon known primarily to the Catholic church until it was leaked to the public in the late 20th Century. With the approach of the ominous year 666, Zachariah Callisto encountered a satanic cult trying to unleash demons upon the earth and bring about the apocalypse. Although himself and the other monks of the order stopped and slew a majority of participants, a gate to hell had been opened long enough to release a tremendous amount of heat into the atmosphere.

In brother Callisto's recording of the incident, "It was as though I could hear the voice of God sounding down from heaven, speaking to me as my father had when I was a boy. 'Don't leave the door open, what are you trying to do, heat the whole world?' Who would have thought that such a thing was possibly? The following weeks were marked with warmer weather and a for a few days it rained instead of the normal winter snow. It was then that the brothers and myself knew that we would have to do something about this and sent word to the bishop."

The report of the events traveled back to the Pope, which created a heightened awareness within the church and a crackdown on those practicing witchcraft. Although the church had always maintained a stance against the use of witchcraft, it had been previously thought to be limited to herbal home remedies and relatively harmless charms. The thought of such practices having global effects, much less increase the already overpopulated demon community, was terrifying.

Later, after a particularly warm winter that had resulted in an excessive number of insects the following year, and record summer highs, it became apparent to the Vatican that the number of portals being opened to hell was increasing. In response, the inquisition was started to try to combat the problem, but due to bad administration, ultimately failed. Still they continued witch burnings and demon hunting to try to compensate.

During the 19th century witch burnings were phased out due to a significant decrease in reliable accusations. However, demon hunting is still in practice today, on a lesser scale, despite an increase in occult activity brought on by the internet and a decline in family values. Demon hunter, Joseph Ash says that he is keenly aware of the "I hate my daddy, so I'll call a demon" psychology that so often ends in tears.

In recent decades, global warming has come to the forefront of the media. Raising it as a banner of righteousness, it has been seized by environmentalists, for their own purposes to divert from the real cause. This can be termed propaganda, which as any educated alien knows the source of the word "Pro Pagan Da". It's origin is Russian, accounting for the Da on the end, which is a common form of yes, ultimately meaning, "yes, we are for pagans".

As many of the most influential environmentalists are pagan sympathizers, they have diverted public attention from the actions of some of their more extremist members and blame shifted the source of global warming to achieve a more personal agenda. Since many environmentalists are lacking in hygiene and cosmetic care, they have targeted such products as makeup, hairspray, and spray deodorant, hoping that by discouraging their use they may produce a guilt forced assimilation. Their ultimate goal is to become more popular and accepted by the general population that marginalizes them.

While pinning the blame on a beauty that they feel they cannot attain, they try to protect trees, while some species, especially sweet-gum, actually produce more pollution than a smokestack. These trees are anything but "sweet", and have been plotting for hundreds of years against humans. The sweet-gum ball, designed to attack barefoot humans, is just the first in their dastardly schemes.

The most interesting aspect is that although the Vatican has been tracking global warming for centuries, it has recorded no severe increase in recent years. Joseph Ash says that it is because the environmentalists are running out of money and need to scare up some funds. According to him and other Vatican sources, the best solution to combat global warming would be to avoid all ouija boards and situations that might unleash evil into the atmosphere that feeds on souls as well as ozone. In the words of Joseph Ash, "It's not just to stop global warming, it's just a good rule of thumb to avoid evil... and never trust a sweet-gum tree." - Zaral

Alien News

Back when I had a Live Journal, I created one for "Alien News" and had different Alien icons for the articles.  It was just a funny satire that I put together, but I'm going to share them on my blog just in case someone needs a laugh.

Wings in Art

When I was growing up, we had ducks, white ones and mallards. I had one, Louie, who would fly after me if I ran, and when I stopped and put my arm out, he would land on it. Wasn't quite as cool as falconry, but it's what I had. In having ducks, I developed an understanding of wings and how they catch air.

In order to prevent a bird from flying away, it is a common practice to trim the feathers along the wing close to the body, as this is where a lot of the lift comes from to stay aloft. Most of the time you would only have to do one wing and it would make them sort of fly sideways a bit, but it was enough to allow them to fly if they needed to without them going a great distance.

Knowing that, I see many paintings of dragons, griffons, or any other animal of flight, that simply could not do so with the artistically rendered wings.



This is a good example. Although Toothless has bat-like wings that reach farther down his body than his fellow dragons, the majority of his friends would never get off the ground, because the essential area for flight is missing.

In order to make something that does not exist in nature look realistic, it still has to play nice with physics and biology in order to be believable. Although animals look very different, their skeletal structures and muscles tend to follow a common pattern, and the same holds true with wings.

KBO - Keep Buggering On

If you think that the danger is over because the first day of his release has passed, then you're dead wrong. The ex was released from prison yesterday and has 8 days to check in with his parole officer, if he's going to do it at all.

More so, this is a man who plots, plans, and bides his time.  He let the air out of my tires, unconnected things on my engine, and followed me everywhere, biding time for the next attack.  He snuck into my house and waited on me behind a door that was cracked open, so he could peer through the crack and jump me when I was busy and thought that I was alone.  I still hate half open doors.

The point is that the danger is not decreasing, but steadily increasing.  This is a man who lulls people into false senses of security. Certainly he is impulsive like any psychopath, but he's also devious, and that's something that takes time.  He's a patient wolf in a world full of sheep, who don't want to believe that wolves like him exist.

I've been feeling freaking narcoleptic. The stress is taking a toll on my body.  Every aspect of me is on high alert and that does not jive with being a mom.  I worry about my parents who still live in the same house, a house that he snuck into and into my room one night, without them ever knowing.

Still getting used to packing a loaded weapon with me most of the time.  It's very odd.  Perhaps when  my new holster shows up, it won't be so weird.  One of the good things about carrying though, is that I don't have to worry about Morgan getting ahold of a gun without us knowing.  Any weapon not carried is in a gun safe.  And really, Morgan does not play alone well, so we don't have to worry about her running off and doing things in general.  She's such a good kid.

The world doesn't stop for broken hearts, and it expects you to keep going too.  I'm very disappointed in the system in general right now.  I'm glad there's something, but when other people get up in arms about certain topics, I'm just left feeling cold and grumbling over the real dangers to society that are here and now.  This was supposed to be a "life" sentence, and that is a very deceptive nomenclature that makes people relax when they shouldn't.

This person is a psychopath.  Psychopaths are 80% more likely to repeat offend than any other criminals.  Add to that he's a violent sex offender, which are also far more likely to repeat offend.  It's a recipe for misery for somebody.  Even if it's not me and my family.  Even if he doesn't come seeking revenge, for holding him accountable, something he hated ... he is still a very real threat to society.

October 23

As of 1pm today, an automated phone call informed me that my exhusband had been released from prison.  Today was the first day I carried my gun with me all day. It was fine when I was working on the cover piece for the Redemption Trilogy this morning, and I was mostly okay. However after picking up Morgan, it became far more difficult to be vigilant with a 4 year old demanding attention.

Lots of people enjoy giving advice with absolutely no experience in this situation.  It's all well meaning, but not very comforting.  The only things comforting are my gun, my dog, and my alarm system.  The world feels like it's restricting around me, and I can't breathe. Optical migraines and on the verge of panic attacks today.  All of it held within for the benefit of my family.

I really just want to sleep.  It still doesn't seem real, and I'm trying to go about my normal life.

Final Countdown

The clock has just ticked to Tuesday, October 22.  In 24 hours the day I've dreaded for the past 12 years is here, and my ex will be released from prison.

I'm staving off a panic attack and should go to sleep, but my heart is racing.  Memories are speeding through my mind, because this was the time of year that it all went down.  No amount of platitudes will make me feel safe.  I was drowning in a deluge of them before the original kidnapping and that was no help either. The comforting words of friends are but the empty air of distance between us.  Intentions are lovely but expectations are low, because realistically at the end of the day, they have their own lives to live and there's little anyone can do.  Although the technology does exist that would give me peace of mind, we are tied to the archaic system of parole officers.  Psychopaths like my ex are 80% more likely to repeat offend, and sex offenders as well, so I can't help thinking that this is all around the worst idea ever to release the monster back on the world.  It might not be me next time around, but as wife number 4, I expect there to be a 5th.

So what do I do with all this? I've done everything in my power there is to do, but I can't help but feel like the hunt is about to begin.  Not thinking about it, would mean being caught unawares if something does go down, and that's not the way to deal with problems anyway.  That's a big fat ticket to denial land and lots of worse problems.  So I'm facing it head on, and holding my ground.  However all the energy feels like it's gone out of me.  I don't feel ready, and nothing about this feels right.

The Perception Weapon

Angel Tears ©2002 Lindsay Archer

If you have read my blog, then you probably have noticed the theme of emotional abuse. Perhaps some artists and other creatives view this as unprofessional, but causes are not uncommon.  This is mine, because it's personal and hits close to home, no differently than a breast cancer survivor or a mother with an autistic child might take on a cause regardless of their professional sphere.  Somehow speaking up and out about emotional issues becomes touchy, as much of it is considered par for the course, or even denied as a problem.  The problem is that it's as common in professional circles as it is in intimate relationships.

Although growing up, I knew that certain things were wrong to me, because certain ways of behaving just "felt" wrong or didn't make sense to me. However, I never had a name for what I "felt, but I felt it in the double standards. I felt it in the constant criticism.  I felt it when I was basically punished for being myself, and later for being happy. I learned it in the behaviors that had less to do with me, and more to do with them. Through it, I learned some of these bad behaviors myself, and it took some wake up calls for me to start really studying things and figuring this stuff out, because I was tired of being treated like crap and then being made into the villain for not taking it silently. Silence is the main weapon in an emotional abuser's arsenal, even though some like to cloak it in professionalism or other more acceptable tones, it doesn't change the core of it.

Emotional abuse has been a constant theme in my life, and it didn't help that I was a sensitive introverted artist.  I might as well have had a huge bullseye painted on me, because I looked like an easy mark with my lack of assertiveness and difficulty saying no (worked on that, and am rather fond of no now).  I avoided lies and therefore didn't understand why someone else would lie for no reason. The predators sensed weakness, and the vultures circled for an easy meal. However repressed, inside me was a fighter.  It took me a while to figure out how to fight emotional abuse though, and where to direct the anger that is a natural response to it.  Although I can be witty at times, when someone attacks me emotionally, I tend to turn the proverbial cheek, when I should be putting my foot down.  Unfortunately this just invites the abuser to up the anti the next time to see how much they can get away with in the end. My tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, or to be so hurt I couldn't respond, were both disadvantages in the emotional war.  Always later, I would think... I should have said this, or I would talk to a friend about it after processing what had happened.

The problem is that emotional abuse seems like just words, and we all learned that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".  Anyone who cares about other people knows that isn't the case.  There are certain individuals where that is true.  They honest to God, don't care what people think, but usually that's a facade.  Abusers often appear that way, but then they manipulate the perceptions of others, because they know the power that perception holds. Wielding it can take on many faces all with the same intention to control that perception: character assassination or defamation of character, gaslighting, psychological projection, emotional blackmail, blame shifting, and other forms of psychological manipulation.  All of these are meant to rewrite reality and often take the victim and make them look like the villain. For instance they will lie, and then claim the victim is a liar to destroy their credibility. By doing this, they project their own deficiency onto the victim and deflect the public opinion.  Meanwhile the victim, lacking assertiveness, lacking confidence, or less popular, may suffer by lacking in skills and ability to fight this public opinion. The lack of confidence in defense then looks less true than the confident liar, and most will falsely read the situation, taking the side of the more charismatic person. There was an excellent episode of Monk with an actor that was a charismatic sociopath, and they depicted it really well.

Sadly abusers can take on many roles to those in their sphere of influence, and being shy at first, I attract them like moths to a flame.  After leaving the abusive ex-husband, I found myself caught off guard, when I worked for another charismatic person who behaved so similarly, but in a professional relationship.  Again secrets were the name of the game, which was information and perception control (not just in projects but in everything).  Extreme anger if I mentioned them (not even in a negative light), especially to people they were trying to manipulate emotionally.  Sexual harassment by being offered jobs and then given to whoever they had slept with the recently, or were trying to sleep with at the time.  Constant criticism, but not constructive, nothing was ever good enough but it wasn't based on skills, but on their own unpredictable personal appeal. Everything was emotional, everything was about them and their feelings while they stomped over the feelings of others and devalued the expression of other people's woes, unless they could garner sympathy from them. Drama was constant, and they were always the victim. Hurting their feelings was the ultimate sin. They were always right, even when it was something as personal as how I felt, and to disagree meant 2 hours on the phone with not a word in edgewise till they felt that they had won by emoting and expressing how altruistic they were (while exploiting others), while my sacrifices (which were many) were minimized. When there was conflict, they sent others to clean up the emotional mess. Upon leaving, there was character assassination on such an epic level that I still am dealing with it a decade later.  Because of them, I have been black balled, kicked out of shows, and general complications due to it. In all of this, no one has ever had the nerve to ask my side of the story... or question why someone would come around years later to a place of business to badmouth me?

It's very common place for people to talk, and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there bitching about me, but hopefully it's for things that I actually did. I'm not perfect. I know I can be off-putting and not everyone enjoys my occasionally hard edged and open personality.  That's their prerogative, and everyone's entitled to their opinion.  That's not the same as emotional abuse in the work place. Non-disclosures are not uncommon, but they usually have a timeline and an end date. Exclusive contracts should always have an exit clause, and beware the person who gets offended that you want to read the contract or have a lawyer look at it. Exclusives have to deliver to be worth it. If they don't like you, it could tie your hands from doing things that do make money.

People disagree and people talk, and that's fine.  That's just life. But when it's bent on hurting the other person and damaging them as much as possible, that's another animal. But remember if someone's bitching to you about someone bitching about them... there's a double standard. By their own logic, what they are doing is just as bad, unless they feel that they are above the other person and exempt, which should be another red flag.

So how do you know if someone is using you to get to another person?  In general it starts with a cover story.  It could be a form of contriteness, or the damsel in distress, but the message is, that they wish they could just talk to the other person ("get through to them"=control/get their way).  Or say that they just want what's best for the other person, if the target just weren't so (insert some devalued assessment here).  This altruistic cover is often just masked self interest. This should send up a flag, because if someone is refusing to talk to another person, it could be for a VERY GOOD REASON.  The target refusing contact has established a boundary that the person playing the victim is trying to ignore.  This person is trying to gain some form of indirect contact for control over the target who did not want to be controlled by them.  The moment you decide to be intermediary, you're enabling someone else in stalking and or spying on someone. Usually the intermediary is compassionate and empathetic, but also misguided. These white knights charge in to slay the offender in defense of justice, but might not have all the information.

For example, after my exhusband swung at me for the first time, I kicked him out, and wanted nothing to do with him anymore.  So he started manipulating my family and anyone else he could to try and get them on his side to lure me back.  Getting desperate for control, he committed himself to a mental hospital.  Then after manipulating his counselor, she called me on a conference call, trying to get me to support him, to which she was surprised when I said that I wanted nothing to do with him.  I asked if he had told her that he had tried to kill me, to which he minimized the statement that I had just exaggerated it. I responded by saying it's hard to misinterpret you screaming that you were going to kill me while driving 90 miles an hour toward a 90 degree curve that would have landed us in the middle of the interstate.  The counselor floundered in response, because she had been so taken in by his victim ploy, and this was news to her. So even professionals can sometimes be fooled.

It's not lightly that I cut people out of my life, and the few times I've extended an olive branch, and a second chance, I've always regretted it.  Many times, they've reappeared in my life and reaffirmed that choice by doing things to manipulate and take some form of passive aggressive revenge.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but they heal, they pass.  However words can do more than that, when they manipulate well meaning people.  They can hinder careers, influence people to act out on their behalf, meanwhile the victim might be going about their life, ready to let it all go, but constantly hitting roadblocks set in their way.  You could break a victim's will to go on, through extending the abuse from something that never involved you in the first place.

If you hear something about someone, first of all CONSIDER THE SOURCE!  Second of all, if you know the person, just be honest and say "I heard this ... what's your story?" because the truth is always somewhere in the middle though it may be more to one side than the other. Third, if you don't know the person, you probably STILL don't know the person.  You know the speaker's perception of that person.  Everyone is 3 people: who they are, who they think they are, and who everyone else thinks they are.  All you can do is strive to make sure you see yourself as  you really are, and hope that other people will see that as well.

Thinking of the Philippines

This morning my mother is visiting and waiting patiently for word of her brother. This 7.2-magnitude earthquake had its epicenter near Tagbilaran, the city where my uncle's family live, on the island of Bohol in the Philippines

My cousin Elicia and I in Tagbilaran, summer 1996.

Personally, I've only been there once, in 1996.  While the Olympics were in Atlanta, I was on another continent.  My grandfather decided after his visit that my cousin and I should experience it for ourselves, so he paid our way to go visit my Uncle Dennis in the Philippines. I was 19 and my cousin, Elicia, was 17. It was an adventure that will be hard for either of us to forget.  Sometimes we get together and ask if some things really happened, because we were the only ones to witness a few of the bizarre events of the trip.  Later I found out from her, things that I didn't know at the time, and the story got stranger. We experienced in a short time, many things that people here would not believe, which were commonplace on the little island of Bohol, from swimming in a cave to being mistaken for Marimar.  The whole trip was a unique experience that I'm very glad I had.

Garden Cafe

My uncle, Dennis Drake, moved to the Philippines with the Peace Corp to help a third world country.  Later he moved beyond the Peace Corps to starting his own institution with a more targeted purpose, the International Deaf Education Association or IDEA.  Without proper medical treatment, deafness was an epidemic in the islands. He continually encountered children who were born deaf or had become deaf from ear infections or other ailments that rendered their lives a silent one.  They each had their own sign language with family members for basic needs, but often lead a life of mute isolation.  

Dennis Drake with monkey
near the Chocolate Hills 

Gathering these deaf children from their huts and hovels, my uncle brought them to a school where they could learn sign language and have a community.  He did not stop there, being an entrepreneur, and also developed businesses to employ the deaf. The Garden Cafe was a restaurant employing deaf cook and wait staff.  You would simply circle the items that you wanted and your hearing impaired waitress would bring it to you.  His keen business sense combined with the compassion for an often overlooked section of the population, changed the lives of many people, who would have lived lonely lives, to a normal functional life with a community, opportunities to prosper, and start families of their own. 

Many were more than happy to teach us sign language while we were there, and they enjoyed naming Elicia and myself with our own names in sign. Their smiles and laughter were infectious and it was hard not to adore them. 

Although the stories there are many and fantastic, and I might take time to tell them later, I ask that today you remember the tiny island of Bohol in your thoughts and prayers.  We've just heard that our family is intact, but that the area could use all the good will it can at the moment.  If you would like to learn more about my uncle's mission, please visit the IDEA website to learn how you can sponsor a child.

Becoming a Con Artist

"The Life of an Artist"

When I say "Con" I mean the abbreviated term for convention.  Although I wrote a blog on getting started doing illustration work in the gaming industry, what about those artists that just want to do their own thing and set up and sell their stuff?

Making the Art

If you are sure that you want to do this, then you need to be able to meet the production demands of your audience.  Every year you will need to be able to have a selection of new art for sale.  That may seem like an easy feat now, but once you start going to Cons to sell your work, it will cut into your production time.  This is why I often like to do something in the booth to maximize my time.

Certain people should not be in this field...

- Those who have to rely on others to make every single piece of artwork.  At this point, you are not selling your own art.  You're selling a combination of you and the person who helped you.  If you are going to steadily produce artwork (different from say 3D craftsmen pieces that can be tag-teamed) then you have to be able to produce independently.

- Those with artwork that is not completely their own.  If you can't come up with something without ripping off someone else, then there's nothing to distinguish you. At that point you are making money off someone else's work or ideas.  The industry is swamped with people copying others. If you do something, you have to have your own voice with your own ideas and not be just a rip off of this or that artist.

Making the Prints

For open edition printing, there are a lot of wonderful printers out there on the market today. 10 years ago, Epson was THEE name in art printing, but now there are plenty of comparable printers.

Use good paper for your prints that will not only give you the best image but will feel like quality. I often use Epson Enhanced Matte Paper for its archival quality.  You want to give your customers something that will last and preserves the image for as long as possible.  If you don't value it, then they won't either.  Your art is what transforms this piece of paper and ink into something wonderful, and if you want those pieces of paper known as dollars, you need to remember that.

Mark your prints with the image title and your name under the image, leaving a border around the image.  Often framers will leave a small border around a print to distinguish it from the original.  It also leaves a place to sign your print clearly that does not disrupt the image. I have started selecting a main color from the image to make a faux matt around the image.  It tends to set off the piece as well as make it ready to pop in a frame and still set off as though matted. In this area it is also good to hide in a small way the copyright information as well as your web address.  This makes it easy for someone to find you for more work or if they have a problem.  If you look through the posters and prints at any craft store, you will see that most art prints carry these things, and get a feel for how you might want to use them to enhance your own print for sale.

Many artists like to make multiple print sizes to make them available and affordable to a wider audience.  There are advantages and disadvantages to this.  If you off mini prints around 5x7 in size, you often find that people will opt for the cheapest option. Some artists get large printings of lithographs in bulk of one size.  This is the classical signed and numbered method of traditional artists.  Sure they may be 18x24 inches each and only cost you $3 per print for something really nice, but it could cost up to $2500 or more to get them printed, depending on the number you wanted.  This way you end up with a lot of ONE image, and if nobody wants to buy it, you'll end up with 2,000 prints you can't sell, taking up space and not making back the investment.  If it's an image that you know you can move, that's a best case scenario.  However conventions are a fickle market.  Larger prints are more difficult to carry around, and the smaller sizes are what tend to sell.  If you are just starting out, I suggest testing the market some before making a huge gamble on a lithograph.

Packaging the Prints for Presentation

One way I have seen artists do is to have a display of the different images, either in a book or just loose on the table.  The customer chooses their image, and the artist retrieves the chosen image to be rolled up into a tube sleeve, or slipped into a plastic bag.

The way I do it, is by packing each print into its own clearbag with a backing board for support, so the customer can simply buy the one that they like best from a bin of prints.

I've done both ways, and they seem to work equally well whether customers are flipping through books or bins.  The nice thing about the bag and backboard is putting a write up on yourself as the artist in the back with your contact information, gives your customer more info and makes the product look more complete.

Legal Stuff

Basically what you are doing is a business, therefore you are going to need a business license.  It's not that hard to get set up as a business, and in the end it gives you protection.  If you are making money, you're going to have to give the government their fair share and some states and counties have additional hoops to jump through to sell in their area.  An LLC is a great way to go for a small business.

Convention Planning

Before you can sell at a show, you have to get into a show.  There are conventions all over for several genres. It only takes some googling to find some good ones, and probably some in your general vicinity.

Most shows have their own website with information on being a vendor or an artist.  There is a difference.  Vendor spaces usually come around 10x10ft and cost more than the Artist tables which are often smaller spaces.  There are advantages and disadvantages to each.  Vendor spaces tend toward more general traffic flow, while artist areas tend toward concentrated interest in art from the lower traffic flow.

Speaking of traffic flow ... Check the numbers! When it comes to conventions, SIZE MATTERS ... at least where sales are concerned.  In general, the more people, the more likely someone who likes what you do will come around.  The larger the show, the more money people will have saved up in advance for it.  Small conventions are a great way to start introducing yourself and your art to smaller more intimate gatherings, but the sales do not compare to larger shows.

You have to spend money to make money, and every time you do it's a gamble. With decent sized shows you can expect to spend between $200 and $3000 dollars for a booth.

You will have to sign up for a booth MONTHS in advance. Don't think... "Hey, Dragon Con is next week, I wonder if I can show my art there?" because the answer is NO.  Many convention deadlines are months before the actual show, and the larger the convention the more of a lead they have. Vending spaces can be limited, so you may be on a waiting list waiting until someone drops out.  Art shows and art tables sometimes have to pass a jury process and also have a waiting list.  Nov-Jan seems to be the slowest time of the year for shows, because of the holidays.  Thusly this is the best time of the year to start doing your convention planning for the following year.

Pre-Con Prep

I generally put together a Con box with certain things, so I have them ready to go for a show and I don't have to think about a lot of these things.  Tackle boxes and the like are real good for this.

Things that you will need:

- Vendor/Artist Packet from the show with load in information

- At least $100 in petty cash to make change.  That means smaller bills.  You will probably end up using this to eat off as well as pay for parking.

- A cash bag/box or secure place to store money that you make.  Lots of vendors like to go with the fanny pack for convenience.

- Receipt Books - These are a great way to not only give your customer a receipt for their purchase in case they want to return or exchange something, but it automatically makes a second copy for your records to keep track of how much you sold

- A way to process credit cards? I swear by The Square!  If you have an iPhone, it's the way to go.

- Bags for purchases - often, I'll recycle old Walmart bags to put prints and such in, but you can also buy packs of TShirt bags Sam's Club or the like

- Pens to sign with, generally sharpies or gel pens of white, silver, gold for dark surfaces.  These should be separate from the ballpoints used for the receipt books.

- If you decided to go with gridwall, you will need zip ties to hold it together and a blade to cut the zip ties after the show.  Additionally, S-Hooks and bulldog clips are good to hang things as well

- Business Cards - Even if someone stops in your booth and walks away without product, make sure they get a card with your web address, even if it's just a deviant art gallery.  Vistaprint is pretty good for cards.

- Inventory List - It's always good to know what you have before the show and after to track lost or damaged items, especially for taxes.

- Cooler - Drinks are often far more expensive at conventions, and if you don't get out of the booth, you will want some sort of refreshments and snacks to tide you over till the hall closes.

- Sheets - When you leave a Con for the day and are returning the next day, you will want to cover your set up to discourage people from snatching product.  Out of sight, out of mind.

- Crash Space or Hotel (many people like to get it for the night before set up, to have energy for it, and the night after the show, because you need the rest before the journey home)

Setup

When you get to the convention, you are going to want to present your work in such a way to catch the eye and also to maximize your space.  I've heard it said that people get convention blindness.  Basically if it's not right in front of the customer's face, they won't see it.

Display is key for this, and don't limit that display to just your table. Many artists use gridwall, or back panels that velcro can stick to, in order to create a pleasant back drop on which to hang your artwork.  Often in order to really make your art stand out on gridwall, it's nice to hang black sheets behind it to break up that visual field.

Gridwall though very useful, can be heavy and cumbersome.  You may decide to do something like these pop up displays which is very quick and handy.  If you stick with gridwall, you will probably still want to do signage.  Pick your best pieces and your name to put on your sign, and then I suggest this place for printing it.  They do a great job at reasonable prices www.alwayssign.com.

Buddy System

Even if you got set up all on your own (which would be impressive with gridwall), you are probably going to want someone to help you with the booth, if nothing more than just potty breaks.  Often other vendors won't mind watching your stuff for you, but they can easily be distracted if they are processing a transaction.

Also if you happen to be willing to take commissions and draw in the booth, you'll want someone to be back up so you can work on the commission.  If anything, they're an extra set of eyes to see if a customer has a need.

Mostly a Buddy is good for going out and grabbing food when you're stuck in a booth all day if you didn't happen to bring a cooler of drinks.

Selling the Art

Many people have their own methods to this, but there's a few rules.

- Stay in your booth.  One of the temptations at Cons is to go look around or visit, but if people come by your booth too much and you're not there, they might get fed up.  Don't make people work to buy your art or you'll lose sales.

- A single large art or sculpture piece will attract people to the booth, or an eye catching costume can be a good draw in addition to display.

- It's good to make eye contact with people and greet them when they begin to look.  It acknowledges their presence, making them feel more welcome, and if someone was being nefarious, it often nips their intentions in the bud by knowing they are being observed.  Plus it's just courtesy. Let them know that you are there to help if they have any questions.

- Don't force the art down their throat.  A picture is worth a thousand words but it still doesn't tell the whole story.  Art customers are often as interested in you and the process of making the art as they are the art itself.  It tells a story, and the customer often wants to hear a little about it.  You are the authority on the art, helping them see through your eyes, so talk to them about your art.

- Art customers are often looking for images that express themselves, their lives, and their interests.  It's what speaks to them, so if it is not their thing, don't take it personally.

- At the end of the day, if you're having fun, others will enjoy it too.  Try to focus on that instead of making money, and you'll be surprised at how much you make.

Tear Down

Time for tetris and you begin to wonder how you got it all in your car in the first place.  Hopefully a few boxes will be lighter.  There's only one real tip for tear down ... If you can't stay for the whole show, it's often best not to do it.  Shows get rather irritated when people pack up before the end of the con, and it makes you look unprofessional.  Life happens of course, but it's generally the best policy to be there the whole time. So don't count your money, till the dealin' is done.


If you are just starting out as a Con Artist, I hope that this helps you. If you are a practicing Con Artist, feel free to comment and add your own show tips.  Good Luck!  And may the odds be ever in your favor!