The Perception Weapon

Angel Tears ©2002 Lindsay Archer

If you have read my blog, then you probably have noticed the theme of emotional abuse. Perhaps some artists and other creatives view this as unprofessional, but causes are not uncommon.  This is mine, because it's personal and hits close to home, no differently than a breast cancer survivor or a mother with an autistic child might take on a cause regardless of their professional sphere.  Somehow speaking up and out about emotional issues becomes touchy, as much of it is considered par for the course, or even denied as a problem.  The problem is that it's as common in professional circles as it is in intimate relationships.

Although growing up, I knew that certain things were wrong to me, because certain ways of behaving just "felt" wrong or didn't make sense to me. However, I never had a name for what I "felt, but I felt it in the double standards. I felt it in the constant criticism.  I felt it when I was basically punished for being myself, and later for being happy. I learned it in the behaviors that had less to do with me, and more to do with them. Through it, I learned some of these bad behaviors myself, and it took some wake up calls for me to start really studying things and figuring this stuff out, because I was tired of being treated like crap and then being made into the villain for not taking it silently. Silence is the main weapon in an emotional abuser's arsenal, even though some like to cloak it in professionalism or other more acceptable tones, it doesn't change the core of it.

Emotional abuse has been a constant theme in my life, and it didn't help that I was a sensitive introverted artist.  I might as well have had a huge bullseye painted on me, because I looked like an easy mark with my lack of assertiveness and difficulty saying no (worked on that, and am rather fond of no now).  I avoided lies and therefore didn't understand why someone else would lie for no reason. The predators sensed weakness, and the vultures circled for an easy meal. However repressed, inside me was a fighter.  It took me a while to figure out how to fight emotional abuse though, and where to direct the anger that is a natural response to it.  Although I can be witty at times, when someone attacks me emotionally, I tend to turn the proverbial cheek, when I should be putting my foot down.  Unfortunately this just invites the abuser to up the anti the next time to see how much they can get away with in the end. My tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, or to be so hurt I couldn't respond, were both disadvantages in the emotional war.  Always later, I would think... I should have said this, or I would talk to a friend about it after processing what had happened.

The problem is that emotional abuse seems like just words, and we all learned that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".  Anyone who cares about other people knows that isn't the case.  There are certain individuals where that is true.  They honest to God, don't care what people think, but usually that's a facade.  Abusers often appear that way, but then they manipulate the perceptions of others, because they know the power that perception holds. Wielding it can take on many faces all with the same intention to control that perception: character assassination or defamation of character, gaslighting, psychological projection, emotional blackmail, blame shifting, and other forms of psychological manipulation.  All of these are meant to rewrite reality and often take the victim and make them look like the villain. For instance they will lie, and then claim the victim is a liar to destroy their credibility. By doing this, they project their own deficiency onto the victim and deflect the public opinion.  Meanwhile the victim, lacking assertiveness, lacking confidence, or less popular, may suffer by lacking in skills and ability to fight this public opinion. The lack of confidence in defense then looks less true than the confident liar, and most will falsely read the situation, taking the side of the more charismatic person. There was an excellent episode of Monk with an actor that was a charismatic sociopath, and they depicted it really well.

Sadly abusers can take on many roles to those in their sphere of influence, and being shy at first, I attract them like moths to a flame.  After leaving the abusive ex-husband, I found myself caught off guard, when I worked for another charismatic person who behaved so similarly, but in a professional relationship.  Again secrets were the name of the game, which was information and perception control (not just in projects but in everything).  Extreme anger if I mentioned them (not even in a negative light), especially to people they were trying to manipulate emotionally.  Sexual harassment by being offered jobs and then given to whoever they had slept with the recently, or were trying to sleep with at the time.  Constant criticism, but not constructive, nothing was ever good enough but it wasn't based on skills, but on their own unpredictable personal appeal. Everything was emotional, everything was about them and their feelings while they stomped over the feelings of others and devalued the expression of other people's woes, unless they could garner sympathy from them. Drama was constant, and they were always the victim. Hurting their feelings was the ultimate sin. They were always right, even when it was something as personal as how I felt, and to disagree meant 2 hours on the phone with not a word in edgewise till they felt that they had won by emoting and expressing how altruistic they were (while exploiting others), while my sacrifices (which were many) were minimized. When there was conflict, they sent others to clean up the emotional mess. Upon leaving, there was character assassination on such an epic level that I still am dealing with it a decade later.  Because of them, I have been black balled, kicked out of shows, and general complications due to it. In all of this, no one has ever had the nerve to ask my side of the story... or question why someone would come around years later to a place of business to badmouth me?

It's very common place for people to talk, and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there bitching about me, but hopefully it's for things that I actually did. I'm not perfect. I know I can be off-putting and not everyone enjoys my occasionally hard edged and open personality.  That's their prerogative, and everyone's entitled to their opinion.  That's not the same as emotional abuse in the work place. Non-disclosures are not uncommon, but they usually have a timeline and an end date. Exclusive contracts should always have an exit clause, and beware the person who gets offended that you want to read the contract or have a lawyer look at it. Exclusives have to deliver to be worth it. If they don't like you, it could tie your hands from doing things that do make money.

People disagree and people talk, and that's fine.  That's just life. But when it's bent on hurting the other person and damaging them as much as possible, that's another animal. But remember if someone's bitching to you about someone bitching about them... there's a double standard. By their own logic, what they are doing is just as bad, unless they feel that they are above the other person and exempt, which should be another red flag.

So how do you know if someone is using you to get to another person?  In general it starts with a cover story.  It could be a form of contriteness, or the damsel in distress, but the message is, that they wish they could just talk to the other person ("get through to them"=control/get their way).  Or say that they just want what's best for the other person, if the target just weren't so (insert some devalued assessment here).  This altruistic cover is often just masked self interest. This should send up a flag, because if someone is refusing to talk to another person, it could be for a VERY GOOD REASON.  The target refusing contact has established a boundary that the person playing the victim is trying to ignore.  This person is trying to gain some form of indirect contact for control over the target who did not want to be controlled by them.  The moment you decide to be intermediary, you're enabling someone else in stalking and or spying on someone. Usually the intermediary is compassionate and empathetic, but also misguided. These white knights charge in to slay the offender in defense of justice, but might not have all the information.

For example, after my exhusband swung at me for the first time, I kicked him out, and wanted nothing to do with him anymore.  So he started manipulating my family and anyone else he could to try and get them on his side to lure me back.  Getting desperate for control, he committed himself to a mental hospital.  Then after manipulating his counselor, she called me on a conference call, trying to get me to support him, to which she was surprised when I said that I wanted nothing to do with him.  I asked if he had told her that he had tried to kill me, to which he minimized the statement that I had just exaggerated it. I responded by saying it's hard to misinterpret you screaming that you were going to kill me while driving 90 miles an hour toward a 90 degree curve that would have landed us in the middle of the interstate.  The counselor floundered in response, because she had been so taken in by his victim ploy, and this was news to her. So even professionals can sometimes be fooled.

It's not lightly that I cut people out of my life, and the few times I've extended an olive branch, and a second chance, I've always regretted it.  Many times, they've reappeared in my life and reaffirmed that choice by doing things to manipulate and take some form of passive aggressive revenge.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but they heal, they pass.  However words can do more than that, when they manipulate well meaning people.  They can hinder careers, influence people to act out on their behalf, meanwhile the victim might be going about their life, ready to let it all go, but constantly hitting roadblocks set in their way.  You could break a victim's will to go on, through extending the abuse from something that never involved you in the first place.

If you hear something about someone, first of all CONSIDER THE SOURCE!  Second of all, if you know the person, just be honest and say "I heard this ... what's your story?" because the truth is always somewhere in the middle though it may be more to one side than the other. Third, if you don't know the person, you probably STILL don't know the person.  You know the speaker's perception of that person.  Everyone is 3 people: who they are, who they think they are, and who everyone else thinks they are.  All you can do is strive to make sure you see yourself as  you really are, and hope that other people will see that as well.